MAKING SENSE OF A SICK FAMILY: When I reflect back to my days in the Children of God (1971-75) I can’t help but compare it to my own family growing up in Los Angeles. Why would one subject themselves to the humiliation and downright abuse that The Family had to offer? Certainly no one was holding a gun to my head. The only thing I can think of would be the love and acceptance of my entire fellow “brothers and sisters” in The Family. In other words, VALIDATION. I remember being sent to the Fred Jordan’s ranch in the Coachella Valley (average temperature 125 degrees!!) we would work for “the King” 6 to 8 hours per day. At the end of the day I remember getting a small meal—when I complained I was told, “be grateful” (I managed to supplement my meal by standing in line again!). We were also given multiple Bible classes for 40 days and told we would be some of the “Elite troops” of the Revolution for Jesus. None of this seemed out of the ordinary for me. In my real family there was constant verbal abuse (from a mother who was mentally ill) and a stepfather (who was a rage-a-holic). Thinking back now what I suffered as a child fit perfectly into what The Family “dished” out to me—lots of crazy statements and lots of physical hardship! Of course this time it was for “GOD”. I have seen in my work as a social worker and therapist how "victims” constantly look for abusers. The philosophy is “they are doing this to me because they love me”. This sort of scenario played out thousands of times with The Family and manifested in many different ways. Part of the abusive dynamic in The Family was the “shuttle” from commune to commune. It was rare that I would be at any one location for more than 3 months. That way parents and outsiders had a harder time finding the “sheep” as we were called. This “shell” game is used in many families today—avoid the problem by moving it around (you can’t shoot what you can’t see!)—abusive leaders would leave only to be replaced by other abusive leaders. I hear this type of avoidance behavior is still in effect today. When I was a child living at home in L.A. my mother would fly into rages (years latter I found out she was bi-polar and had been sexually abused by her step-father as a young girl) and criticize me for some unexplained reason. I would be hit and slapped and screamed at until my stepfather would intervene. It didn’t matter how good I did at school or how much I went to church (I was in church volunteering 3 times a week) I was always threatened with “we’ll send you to a reform school” or “who do you think you are !”. This was strange to me since I was a well-behaved child–very introverted interested mostly in sports and music and a good student. This corresponds with the experience I had in The Family—it didn’t matter how well one did—you were always ONE DOWN—you were CRAP !!! DUNG!!! etc etc etc. This is another way that dysfunctional family systems keep people in line—degrade them and get them to accept it!! Once you stop accepting the abusive you are considered “arrogant” and “full of yourself” (of course the people “full of themselves” are those same so called “leaders”). I finally came to a point (actually several times) that I got tired of the abuse and disrespect. One time a “leader” told me to “forsake” my guitar (even though I had played guitar in The Family for the better part of 5 years) . I left rather than give this person something I had worked hard for. I was told I was “selfish”. I left the San Juan Puerto Rico commune after being put on a ridiculous schedule of provisioning from 4am to 4 pm. I was then expected to eat dinner and then “litness” (sell Mo letters) till 10 pm. At that time I was suppose to come back to the commune and do chores, participate in activities, classes, etc. and go to bed at 1 a.m.!! I found I couldn’t handle 3 hours of sleep a night. I left The Family and went back to the States and felt depressed and defeated. I rejoined several more times but each time it became apparent that I was always going to be ONE DOWN—always CRAP!! Another dynamic that is worth examining is the parent/child relationship The Family (and any other cult) imposes on their members. If FATHER knows best who are YOU to Question FATHER !! It doesn’t matter how many scriptures you have memorized or how long you have been around—you will always fail because PARENT is more powerful than CHILD!! And PARENT is always right and CHILD is always wrong!! The fact that I had a crazy mother screaming at me and physically assaulting me when I was a child didn’t matter at the time. I was always the default loser. The same is true in any cult. The parent/child relationship of The Family also guarantees that “secrets” (such as sexual abuse) will always be just that. We have seen this play out in recent years in the Catholic Church. Why did it take so many years for these issues to surface to the general public? Possibly due to modern communications (like computers and cell phones) as well as the willingness for society to examine these horrendous acts. I am thankful I left The Family before The Family sent me out to be a “ prostitute for Jesus “!! I personally thought the movement had gone downhill when we were expected to sell “Moe Letters” instead of talking to people and trying to get them to join The Family. Prior to 1973 selling literature was not really done in The Family. The communes were financed by new members who had “forsaken all.” In the early days of The Family just about every activity was done in a group. By the mid 70’s it was common for 2 disciples to go out on the road for a month or two to sell literature. To me this was really an oxymoron to why I had joined the COG. We had become nothing but a “cash cow” for David Berg and his “leaders”. Later I found out from my friends who had been sent overseas that couples were expected to “share” their wives. When I was in The Family I was unaware that I had suffered from PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) growing up as a child in California. Years latter I got help and PTSD was identified as one of my major roadblocks to getting better and having a more normal life. PTSD symptoms vary, depending on the person. Some people feel an emotional numbness (or amnesia)—this was something I remember growing up. When one has been inflicted with daily pain the body and mind react with numbness (some call it the zombie affect). Another symptom of PTSD is withdrawal and feeling hopeless and very moody. Sleep disorders and nightmares (I had those for many years) are also part of this disorder. An inability to concentrate (this was true for me in school) is also common. PTSD is relived again and again until there is some type of intervention. Left untreated many people will fall into deep depression and become addicted to substances. I would say that a large number of people who joined The Family probably suffered from some form of PTSD growing up (kids from healthy families would not last for any length of time in a FAMILY commune). Another component when talking about cults (and especially the sex abuse that members suffered) is the “victimization” of the cult members. Their own families victimized those who stayed and went along with this sexual abuse to children and other adults in most cases when they were young children. A normal well-adjusted person would not stand for this sort of degradation from so-called “leaders.” I strongly believe (and I have 25 years of experience dealing with these issues) to “move on” with your life you have to deal with what happened to you as a child. In most instances The Family only continued (on a different level) what you suffered as a child growing up. Revisiting your past is beneficial (and certainly not easy) because it allows a person to find the “root” of the problem. For me growing up I had a hard time focusing on my schoolwork. This was in large part due to my history of physical and emotional abuse from my family. It took me many years before I had the courage to find this out (and several divorces) and seek help through therapy. For me healing from the abuses of The Family and my early child hood meant having the courage to follow my inner guidance (God within). I had seen what can happen when one accepts a type of reality that depends on “Moe Letters” and “litnessing”. When I left The Family I joined other churches (both eastern and western) and found that most of the members of these churches were still not following their heart or God within!! They still had to be validated by “pastor Bob” or “Swami G”. Adults have to take responsibility for their own lives or else they will suffer the consequences of being stuck in a cult (or a church) and having greedy, ego driven leaders make decisions for them. How many examples of bad judgment to we see today (politically and religiously) of people expecting a politician, minister or corporate leader to “make things right”? God gave everyone a brain so they can think and make some logical decisions. He also gave us a heart to weigh the advice that others give us so freely. I see this demonstrated at work daily (I work for a large beaurocracy) when people blindly follow what their boss gives them to do. Questioning those in authority is not a negative behavior (contrary to popular opinion) it is actually a healthy behavior!! For those who remain in this sick “FAMILY” I can only pray that you get out and seek some help so that the suffering can stop. |
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