Posted by nosnevets on August 07, 2005 at 23:32:56
In Reply to: Re: Reconciliation - pros & cons posted by jo on March 31, 2004 at 21:36:08:
I stumbled upon this thread while looking searching the topic "Sexual abuse reconciliation" While I have never been involved with the "family" I am well aware of their practices and hypocrcies. I had a brush with a "recruiter" years ago. I know it is an older thread but I need the input of people who have been victimized.
There is no better way than to just say it. I committed sexual abuse on my daughter. I can clearly and distinctly recall one episode but she recalls more. In fact I had no recollection at all until after much prayer and soul searching.
In 2001 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. This occurred while being hospitalized for a suicide attempt. One of the key factors in my diagnosis was my tales of hyper-sexuality. The incidence with my daughter was impulsive and most certainly lubricated by marijuana. It was my source of self medication. I have been treated now going on 4 years and while there have been a few set backs (mainly concerning depression) I have never repeated the destructive behavior that once was my norm. I am clean and sober. In fact I have an acute appreciation of all the hell I put my family through that prior to treatment and therapy I was clueless about. I am repulsed by what I was and did. I am truly a changed person but without my being in close proximity to my family all they know is who they remember.
In 2003 my wife left me and we divorced a year later. It was during this second year that my daughter told her school guidance councilor about what was done to her. Of course he reported this to the authorities. Initially I pled not guilty. As I said before I did not remember having done anything but I also admitted I had no clear memory of having NOT done anything. About a week before Mothers day this year I had my recollection. I was struggling with that information and as fate would have it my daughter called me on Mothers day and I admitted to her what I remembered. She asked that I tell certain key family members as she felt (and i would agree with her) that they assumed that she was lying.
That is the way we left it. I am due to stand trial next month. I have yet to change my plea as I promised her as it wouldn't be possible until the trial readiness conference at the end of this month.
I am on full disability due to my BP and will loose it if I am incarcerated. I lost the love of a fine woman over it and I also stand to loose so much more.
I am not an serial or predatory abuser. I screwed up bad once and my entire future lies in the hands of my victim. Yes this scares the dickens out of me but more so I have been hearing of the distractive behavior my daughter is doing and I know I am responsible. I want so bad to atone for what I did. I am not looking for forgiveness. That is hers to give when and if she can. I want to let her know I care. I am sorry. I am willing to do anything she wants. I feel that if any healing is to be done my being a ward of the state won't help. I am 52 years old and the only run in with the law I have ever had was 2 speeding tickets. The conditions of my bond is that I have no contact with her. She has only contacted me that once.
Oh there are so many more particulars.
I am not asking for sympathy. I did what I did and regardless of the whys, I damaged my little girl. That is tragic. All I am looking for is perspectives from those on the receiving end and thought on how I can do right by her, if she will let me. Thanks I have taken up enough of your time already