Posted by long time exer on January 29, 2010 at 12:18:00
In Reply to: Re: interesting article posted by excog on January 24, 2010 at 14:12:00:
I'd call the researcher: The Devil's Advocate. Not being religious here, it's just that a point, no matter how little sense it makes, can become the subject of a book, thesis papers, extensive study to try and prove a viewpoint that just doesn't make sense.
Before therapy was a norm, I was molested as a child by a neighbor who was in the military. I was eight or nine. I felt guilty because I did not fight him off and I didn't go and tell on him in between the many visits to my room on the night of the repeated abuse.
Before the abuse, I remember having that innocent butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when there was a movie on TV with a couple that kissed. One of those G rated (before ratings were introduced) movies. It was a pleasant feeling that I really didn't understand at the time. Just like having a crush on a teacher can happen at a young age, and be innocent, completely.
During the molestation I felt so afraid I was frozen in fear. I didn't seek help. I was afraid to. I remember thinking I could be killed. I hid in a closet, but went back to bed because I was afraid if I hid, he could kill me if he found me hiding from him.
My mother actually took him out of the room and back to their party at one point. I so needed her to help me, but she brushed it off, taking him back to the party where he continued to return to my room throughout the night. Everyone of the adults were drinking, so it was not noticed or dealt with when something was clearly amiss.
I didn't have to know if something was "right" or "wrong" to have strong feelings about it.
I was very depressed for a long time after this happened. When I saw a movie like the one that was felt innocently, it felt like I wanted to throw up and I felt very ashamed and very bad.
It didn't help that my mother heard about it from the neighbor, which embarrassed her. She told me he was so drunk I could have knocked him over like a leaf. And she walked away from me disgusted with me, the eight year old.
I grew up feeling guilty, dirty, bad. His mouth tasted like stale beer and I'll never forget that smell or disgusting taste. Sure kept me from ever drinking beer.
I was later afraid to date and shy of any touch.
In adulthood, I struggled with addiction and two suicide attempts. One nearly successful.
I feel like I am beyond it now, but the effects of child molestation, I am convinced, are felt keenly by survivors and for many years to come. Perhaps a lifetime. Therapy can help (but beware of who you choose to help you. You could get a nut like the idiot that wrote this article).
This situation and the reaction of my parents, plus my own emotional make up, set me up for a life time of problems with setting boundaries and being s target for predators.
I certainly don't believe that roman polanski's crime, because it wasn't "violent" as in hitting or beating the girl, meant it was not so harmful to her.
It makes me extremely sad that people perpetuate myths like this in the name of educated Harvard professorship or other impressive credentials, signifying they know it all. Sure didn't do meaningful research. When looking at a cult dedicated to molesting children "in love", and there are lots of cults doing this, it is always about a perpetrator living out their sick fantasies with no regard to who is sacrificed to meet their appetite for destruction.
To survivors, I wish you all well in rebuilding your lives.
Most survivors of repeated and serious sexual abuse tend to either have no boundaries or to build walls, or go thru phases of both extremes. Perpetrators sense the walls and love the challenge of breaking thru and gaining an undeserved trust. So there is plenty of work to do to have a relationship that is healthy.
Is sexual abuse ever something that only confuses a child for the time being, and they just get over it if it is addressed as being wrong, not their fault, the perp was bad, now move on with life? No. The effects are much deeper. Wish it was that simple.
Is there recovery from the horrors of child sexual abuse? Yes, for most. But the damage a child molester does is incredibly serious and destructive.
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