One of my recurring bad memories is the incessant PTLs and TYJs I had to mutter to myself everytime I was having a trial about something or somebody. I could share my trial only AFTER I've gotten the victory and then share all the many wonderful lessons the Lord's shown me thru it. Then another round of PTLs from everyone. I was constantly being cited as a "shiner", always cheerful, never causing the home reason for emergency exorcism (I would just get on the generic exorcism ritual we did every regular fasting and prayer days). Never had any prolonged bouts of no-no emotions like anger, fear, jealousy, doubts. But I remember always being given word assignments on (gasp!)rebelliousness and self-righteousness, which only lasted at most a couple days. Nothing that would merit extended isolation. In short I was the model of the "perfect" disciple, shining for Jesus. I kept hurriedly burying all those unacceptable emotions because I didn't want to "lose my crown". I wanted to be the "Super Christian", less than this I'd feel like a second-rate citizen. Can anyone relate to this?
I learned that we're not the only ones that suffer from this misguided thinking, but a lot of well-meaning Christians too. But it was just so destructive and tyrannizing in a cult. This conditioning to the ideal of perfection made for the works religion that we labored under. My own natural competitiveness fueled that quest too. But it was a vicious cycle of feeling unworthy and worthless because I faced my own limitations and imperfections on a daily basis. I could never be perfect, that much was clear to me, but I was forced to being a perfectionist. Such a one-dimensional simplistic black or white model is simply not possible for humans. So I was perennially frustrated, overwhelmed and depressed with the impossibility of the task. Phil.4:13, the very first verse I was made to memorize, only made me feel worse about myself.
After breaking free I have come to slowly realize that all that repressing was ungodly. God gave us those emotions. Repressing them was a highly ineffective way of handling them in order to gain "freedom" from them. I virtually exploded when I got out. I had bouts of disproportionate anger which only confused and frightened me. I became overly intense in my work and workplace, though accomplishing much, I just alienated myself from my co-workers. But I did go thru phases of being the most charming and kind person around that people were drawn to.
I've been told my behavior is typical of ex-cultists. It's called the post-cult trauma syndrome some people call it the post traumatic stress disorder. After a long period of denial, anger, self-pity, and all the emotions that were formerly "distasteful" and taboo, I've reached the point of acceptance. Accepting these feelings and acting them out are not the same, specially if they're negative. But it is important to process them, accept them and not bury them. Channeling them to something productive or at least non-destructive is what I'm learning. Not letting them control me but gaining control of them. Just wanted to share that in case anyone was wondering about their own feelings........