In Reply to: Re: Do all things always work together? posted by George on August 05, 2003 at 08:48:27:
I remember when I joined the family, Christianity to me was a foreign concept. Praying and witnessing were new and so were scriptures. When someone gave me a set card I had no idea what the numbers and abbreviations meant. (i.e.: Jn 3:16)
It was a completely different world. On one hand there was sincere witnessing going on and sincerity in pretty much everyone I knew, but the dynamics of unhealthy control were already in place. Those dynamics do the opposite of helping a person to develop a relationship with God because every step was ordered from the top. Nevertheless, there was more sincerity there. Then when litnessing started, there was more emphasis on getting out letter for money with quotas which were oftentimes hard to bare. There was very little time for witnessing and lots of time for work work and more work. On top of that we became highly politicized and promoted "Godafi" of all people. Selling pro Godafi lit. That seemed real bizarre. Then the ffing started. Looking back I remember how I felt inside with all these shifts or measures of control. The early days were full of persecution skits and trials of endurance (unneccesary) and of mindless or "blind obedience" followed by sharp rebukes. there were love feasts that gave a literal high and also purging sessions that were the dread of all dreads. I remember this really large tall guy (not fat, just real big) named Goliath. He had taken a jar of peanut butter and hid it and some bread in his living quarters and was caught. He had greater needs for eating but such individual needs were not considered for rank and file. In front of everybody at TSC he was reamed. "his ass was fileted" by a top leader and he was sent in shame and utter despair from the camp, sent out on a dusty road miles from nowhere. This was not the only such occurence. So even then while great good was being done, so was great harm.
With lit and ff, it was praise the money and influence makers. There was the girl that got Hodgkins disease and slowed down on her lit and Berg basically blamed the disease on her slowing down. Parents were responsible for whatever occurred to their children, oftentimes even when they weren't around. (unless you were a leader, then it was someone elses fault.)
Children were often neglected and families split up. With ffing there was more infighting about one ffer interering with someone else's "fish". There was a tangible change in the whole machinery of the family.
Then sex was filtering down to kids. This is about the point where i left. Escorts were getting STDS and sharing family members were too. Oftentimes treatment was not encouraged if it would take the woman out of business for too long.
So in my own personal opinion, I think the whole enchilada was contaminated from day one.
I also believe that when people joined they had no real idea of what they were stepping into, and there was so much reinforcement of fear and dire consequences to oneself or your children that there was a greater hold on us than the best steel bars or cell.
I saw the effects of the influence of Mao's-style of humiliation and demotion of leadership and so on (and for others as well.) No. everything was not bad or we could not possibly have stayed. That goes back to the boiled frog theory, which I personally believe to be the most accurate.
As far as god being there, I do believe god was, because there were too many things that happened that were very uncanny when abandoned by the family in foreign fields (3rd world) to make it coincidence. I also remember that there were times that mo letters took front seat to the bible as the bible of today more or less. But occasionally bible reading tapes were played. I remember doing dishes one time. Stress had piled so high for me in that group. I heard the passages about false prophets who would deceive many and to believe them not. Those passages stuck out like neon vegas strip style lights, but that well programmed "doubts are of the devil" and reporting on self, etc took over, but could not entirely take all reason away.
One night I was so discouraged about all that was happening that I prayed sincerely that I did not know what the truth was, and I said, in a prayer to God, to please make things so hard on me that I would have to leave if that was his will because I could not do it on my own. And that did happen. Even so, I felt wrong at first. I had that sort of magical thinking caused by such a group that when a hurricane came shortly after leaving it was god coming to kill me and my family. It was pretty horrific. Also, the person I stayed with for a brief time had a car wreck. I felt responsible for that. Any bad things that happened were my fault for leaving and taking my kids out.
Now I can truly say that I am so glad that I did because I am sure I would have been a successful suicide if they had gone to victor camps.
I just see us all as wounded, every generation, even with unique differences. And we are all survivors of a very destructive group. I am very grateful to have worked through a lot of anger and to have to boards here to continue working thru them. All this to say, I definitely believe god was there, even busier with us stuck in mo's outhouse and swimming in his, well, you know.
I am at a point where I am working on a present that will make my past be a memory which I will no longer need to close the door on it. It will have made me stronger. Thanks for all of you here and at other boards. :)