In Reply to: Re: To Anovagirl posted by Acheick on September 25, 2003 at 13:10:44:
He could be a binge drinker, which definitely puts him in the "problem drinker" category, and makes Alanon a good starting pint. However, she has to admit that she has a problem and that doesn't sound to be the case.
I spent many years of my life in a loveless marriage because I didn't want to admit to my parents (particularly my mother) that I had made a mistake. I also had children to think about. Very slowly over time I grew and developed insight and self-confidence. Finally, I got to a place where I really didn't care what other people thought, I was mainly concerned with self-preservation.
My ex was not abusive in an overt way, so it wasn't like he was constantly beating me down psychologically. It was more a matter of coldness, ignoring me, taking me for granted, dismissing my concerns, undermining my interests, etc. It's called passive aggression.
My experience with an overtly abusive relationship came almost immediately after I got out of the marriage. At that time I was a newly-minted MSW doing crisis stabilization with disturbed adolescents and their families. I thought I knew enough about abuse issues to take care of myself in a personal relationship. That's when I learned how powerful abusive relationships can be. Hard as I tried, I kept getting sucked back in...saying and doing things that I knew were not healthy.
I learned two things. First, if you grow up in an abusive family, you'll probably always be vulnerable to these patterns of interaction. The "programming" from that early formation kicks in SO fast sometimes that it over-rides everything you've learned about healthy relationships.
Second, the energy generated by the abuse cycle is extremely powerful. After my experience, I NEVER ask the question, Why doesn't s/he just leave? Getting caught up in an abusive relationship is like being bound and shackeled (psychologically)--as hard as you try, you can find no reasonable way out. Even when you move out, the person may pursue you and continue to play on your vulnerabilities. If children are involved, there's no way to simply cut off all contact.
My advice: Watch and Pray. What you're watching for is a crack in your daughter's defenses--that "teachable moment" when you can say or do something supportive that will give her the courage to change. What you're praying for is the serenity to accept what you cannot change, courage to change what you can, and wisdom to know the difference.