In Reply to: Re: It's okay if we don't agree. posted by anovagrrl on November 22, 2003 at 05:36:56:
This is not a perfect medium. (Conversing on-line). I read what you wrote and just don't relate it to what I have been talking about. I also worked for years with children and adolescents, and with families. I probably do not have as much in the way of formal studies as you do. Mine were more specific with regards to chemical dependency. I also have adult children. They are now 31, 30 and 29. When they went through their adolescence, they understandably had their adolescent views and peers. Many times unhealthy ones. I had to set really strong boundaries with them which meant that I did not always agree with them or support self destructive behaviors. I guess that is being the "adult" in the family. Now, they are grown men, and the youngest is getting married in February. They have their own careers and are not in an extended adolescent phase. I left the family when they were 7, 8 and 9. Over the years, subjects have come up that have been very painful to deal with. What I have discovered is that there is a lot of intergenerational healing that can occur. I don't believe it happens by staying stuck in self-flaggelation and blame game. Often it helps to have professional intercession.
The place where I did my practicum (for LCDC) was a place where families were referred due to chemical dependency playing a role in sexual, physical abuse and neglect to the point of involvement with Protective Services. There were some very angry young children and teens in there. I worked well with them. We were under the supervision of a team of specialists and professionals.
Now back to the boards. Who does not carry their own exer baggage? Frankly, I have discussed with professionals who have extensive experience and education, the dynamics between adult SGs and FGs and between adult FGs. Also directed them to the sites to read for themselves. Without getting too lengthy, suffice it to say, there are a lot of things which I don't believe are the healthiest for recovery for any given group. I don't believe it helps FG exers, in many cases, to self-flaggelate and blame themselves for what occurred under the influence of the family. By the same token, this does not mean shirking self-responsiblity and making amends where they are due. This is a process. Also, I don't believe it is healthy to take the heat for every problem that exer SGs are dealing with or to agree always with their assessments with regard to FGs. This does not mean discounting their experiences, but it also does not make FGs categorically responsible for every horror of the family. There are SGs who have died from despair of the past, and FGs too. This is a REAL dilemma. And both need help. And deserve it too, imo. I think the SGs are gaining great experience by being so self-sufficient and self-supporting. That has to be really empowering. It does not make up for the hurt that is the result of abandonment and "family" style separation or sanctioned abuses. I think the real topic here was collective guilt and how productive is that for anyone? One of the hardest things for me when I started working with families, was to imagine any kind of reconciliation within the families where horrors had occurred. Part of the process was a large multi family group. young children and teens went thru a process that took over a year. So did their parents. They had respective peer groups to deal with their unique group related issues. One thing the children did was to create a list of incidents. (Incident writing). They used references to seasons, senses, (smells, touch, sound, etc.) and wrote about specific incidences that happened to them. They eventually read these to their specific perps during which time the adults, who had prepared for this group(though without knowing the content of the lists they would have read to them), would later listen as the incidents were read in a large group setting. The children had chosen which ones to write about, how many to write about without restriction. (also regarding to what depth they wrote about or what they read in the group.) The perps could not explain or comment on the incidents other than to acknowlege them. (i.e. "I remember when that happened. I remember doing that." or "I don't remember that, but I believe you that it happened") This brought tremendous healing. A further part of the process was what happened with the family after. Some parents split, some worked things out with their families, but all were in a healing process. For those that could not reconcile, there was healing for dealing with that too. Some was support from peers and other adults to deal with the reality that their mothers chose the perp over the kids. (Like in the film, "Bastard Out of Carolina") Anyway this is getting lengthy here. Perhaps It is more clear now where I am coming from, or less clear. But I tried anyway!