My Dilemma
My mother was a very religious person. I grew up hearing bible stories and going to church. I saw God as a white man with a white flowing beard and robe hovering in the heavens. God was supposed to be fearsome and holy and something to respect – all of which I had no idea what that meant.
My mother would often have us watch religious shows or movies to make us more informed of the Christian religion. One day she corralled us children into the living room to watch a very important show about Noah’s Ark. In those days it was called a “Negro” spiritual. The cast was African American and the setting was modern day times. I was a little girl in the 50s so I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember how much it scared me and made me even more afraid of God. I remember that Noah was so righteous and holy and really feared God. He did whatever God told him to in spite of what the rest of the world said and in spite of how foolish and stupid and wrong it looked. People were mocking him and laughing at him, but he kept on in spite of it and those who were laughing ended up being drowned by God himself in an angry act of vengeance. The scene of people crying to get in the ark and fearing for their lives was horrendous for me as a child. I didn’t like the movie. I doubt my mother ever realized the lasting affects this had on me as a sensitive, gullible, trusting child.
Now that I look back on it I see how much these caricatures of God and images did a lot of damage to my own psyche because they instilled a fear in a superior being that was all powerful and all knowing and was playing some sort of mind games to ensure that I was an obedient child of God. I believe now that it was these types of images that shaped my frame of mind and made me susceptible to following a mad man using the bible and religion as his trump card. He played these images of God to a hilt and I was always so afraid to disobey and be counted amongst those people of “little faith” and full of doubt.
Now that I’ve left and had time to reflect, study and do my own research, I wonder if the Christian population is grossly misunderstanding the Old Testament. I think there are many things in the Old Testament that may have been allegories, parables and the like that were used over eons of time to keep human nature in check – legends told even to children so that they would obey their parents. A lot of the Old Testament is mystical, someone once told me. It would explain to me why these stories were told; otherwise, it makes no sense to have a God to tremble under - at least not for me. I don’t believe in a God like that. How could there be a God that makes bears come out of the woods and eat children because they “mocked the prophet of God.” I can understand why a non-Christian person would be so offended at such thoughts. I really do understand where they are coming from, even though I am not non-Christian. (But don’t ask me what I am – the jury is still out on that one)
And then here is the dilemma. Berg did tear the bible apart. Even though he used the bible as a reference, cleverly mixing in scripture with his own demented ideas and claiming he was only following Jesus Christ, the Son of God, he did in fact discredit large parts of the Bible and used only what was convenient for him, leaving out large chunks that didn’t concur with his deviations. So, I can see where people like Alan and Lydia have come to the conclusion that they do not want to do that again and do not want to ever twist or distort the bible and want to follow it explicitly so as to make sure they are not making up any new religion, so to speak.
This has been a sore point for me for a long time and one reason I cannot reconcile my faith and make up my mind just what I do believe. I have several children who are avid churchgoers and if they heard me talk like this, they would never buy it. So where does that leave me? Somewhere in la la land with no real anchor because I can’t fit in anywhere. I’m back to where I started in this whole business of life and finding my place. Back to square one. Have I made any progress? I don’t know. At least I have some beautiful children to be thankful for and who make me happy; otherwise I would probably have gone nuts (or maybe I am?)
In conclusion, I think there is a lot to be said for researching biblical scriptures, just how they came about and just what they actually mean. Where did I read that there is speculation the Roman Catholic Church would only allow men to translate the bible so that women would come out subservient? This could very likely be true. Does it make the bible uninspired or not a book to follow? I don’t think so. I just think it should be followed as it was inspired and not as it was distorted. Look how much Berg has distorted it and we bought it, every single one of us. Who is to say when it is being distorted and when it is not? Not me. But there are some things that ring true and some things that just don’t sound right. I think what Eva is saying about Christ within you makes a lot of sense. I think I catch the gist of what she is saying. Maybe I’m making progress? I hope so.