I had just turned 18, when I joined the COG in San Diego California,
as a lonely and confused young girl, having recently fled an abusive
home. I have never regretted my decision to leave, either my parents
house or the COG, as eventually they proved to be too nearly the same.
The colony was called "the ranch", but I have no idea exactly where it
was, other than somewhere in San Diego County. The colony shepherd
was named Belteshazzar, and I believe I spoke with him once during the
six months or so I was there. He seemed nice and somewhat interesting,
but I observed the doting and fawning of sycophants, who made much
of him, and I feared for him because of that. I have no idea what sort of
character he possessed really, nor whatever became of him.
I was sent away to another colony not far away, to a suburban house,
near a very large grey steel and tall, radio broadcast tower. Rodan and
Helah were very kind shepherds, and I was never abused by either of
them. I have only fond memories of both of them, and I hope they are
well.
I remained a disciple until early 1973, when while far away at another
colony, I left shortly after hearing the Mo letter, Flirty Fishy. When I
heard our little dictator of a shepherd there, read from it that "the bible
was for then and no longer applies", I was deeply offended. I was not
going to become a hooker for Mo; not after the Kahoutek letter, and
his childish denial so very transparent.
I always knew that the dropped stitch, which was causing the tapestry
to become ever more distorted, was the absolute power wielded by
the leadership, and I knew also, that is why Jesus said that our leaders,
should be the servants of all.
Yet we were expected to serve our "leaders", obey them without question,
and not notice as they ate the best food, and enjoyed many other privileges
denied the majority. Flirty Fishy was simply the last straw, and I then and
there, gave up any hope for the COG as a Church, and left. I walked away
with but the clothes on my back, yet years later I went back after one other,
and helped him to leave.
All of this is so very overwhelming! Until just a few short hours ago, when I
stumbled across the Moving On website, I had no idea this website existed
either. Now I see you, and I hear you speaking familiar words. Seeing also
that old symbol, the yoked prophet, brings such a flood of memories.
Reading at Moving On the angst filled and angry words, of those born within
the family, and seeing the pain and confusion which they still struggle with, is
very deeply affecting me. I have no doubt at all, of the many stories of sexual
abuse recounted, by those now young adults there. Shocked isn't the word,
and I don't know what word can describe, how I feel having discovered that
those who were once our dearest colleagues, even counted as family, could
not only have done such things, but are probably still doing so!
Where does one justly put the blame for pure evil? How does one reconcile
even it's very existence? After leaving, I questioned my faith as I pondered
such things, and more. After many years of confusion I finally realized that
God is very real and Jesus is His very face, yet religion is not His work but
man's, and it is the difference between that of faith and direct experience of
God and mere religion, which makes the difference between life and death.
I am glad that my brief years in the COG, were from me to Him, and He
has blessed me so greatly, even showing me these few things.
Years ago though, I thought I had felt my last bitter regrets and outrage, at
those who so abused power, but now I have even found new feelings of
deepest pity, and remorse, at not having done something about the COG
long ago. I though can't imagine, what I can do to help! I am at a total loss!
I am also very tempted to just forget again, these days of my past.
Natasha
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http://tinyurl.com/vj4f