In Reply to: Re: Great Spirit/ Part II posted by AG on March 17, 2004 at 16:50:22:
Memory is a funny thing. I can remember some details from when I was a small child that seem to be useless to have retained. Even what I was thinking. Other things are a blank. It is part of what made it hard to realize that I didn't remember everything. Some memories come back like a flood and very clearly. It is weird how the brain stores things and pops them up.
Anyway, from Denmark we were sent to pioneer the Canary Islands. Then we were instructed later not to go to Tenerife. In hindsight of course I know why now. I got very very ill their after the birth of my 2nd child and pulled thru that by the skin on my teeth no thanks to my "mate".
Then we were sent to Scandinavia where I was sent out litnessing in the winter with the kids and had to raise funds to feed us all and meet a quota before coming home. If it wasn't met, we had to call in to get permission to come back. I was a "shamer" but we learned later about the lit rev. because we did not get everything in the mail in Spain. There were many beautiful things about the people there, but the poverty was horrible. Anyway, I finally got permission to split from my "mate" and he moved in with someone else who had a "selah" Jesus baby by Big J.
Esther had her own queendom there and I went thru some of the biggest hell ever, but in between there was some of the best of nature and some nice people.
Then as a single person I went to Germany where since I had a guitar I was forced to go bar singing. I was scared to death of performing in front of any crowd so I drank alcohol and gained courage and got addicted. Many European family members ignored the alcohol limitation rules. And as long as money was coming in, the local leaders looked the other way.
One precursor to leaving was going on a gig to a place near Nuremberg for 10 days. The people I was travelling with got snowbound in Munich and could not get out so I was without "family" around. At first it was very frightening, but by the last few days I began to feel like I was coming out of a deep freeze and breathing on my own, figuratively speaking.
Then they came and I left and felt my spirit sinking. In between this time, I had been to Asia which was a time that the family abandoned us there for clearance that was clearance but not actually valid clearance. Sound confusing? Well we were confused too. I was there with three small boys and a W. German guy. SOOOOOOO much happened there. Then we made it back to Europe and wound up in Switzerland. While there, the letters came out about India, and saving funds to go there and letters about "Marry Time" and at the same time so much sexual crap and I was cracking under it. I knew that my kids would be taken from me again and shipped away and with my issues about sex I did not want to see them go away and be in "schools" where they would be treated as "adults" at age 12, etc. I thought I was weak and not spiritual because of my resistance and I became completely numb. The funds we were raising for India, I took my amount and then took the kids, on impulse and sang in restaurants while they ate. I collected money for hotels and left Europe from Basel. It was very very rough getting out without any real support.
I was so naive and culture shock was not just coming back to a country I had left nearly 11 yrs before, but also leaving the family culture and going to my sister's house where she was still as sadistic and cruel as an adult as she was as a child. I took lots of odd jobs and low paying jobs because I had a family to support and NO extended family. I knew nothing about what might have been available. And of course, I was afraid to trust anyone.
But we did get out. I went from numbed out soft shell to hard shell and my kids became streetwise and tough. They got into all kinds of bad stuff. We lived in places without furniture and once without electricity, but usually I kept us in something decent. Then I went to school and worked in hospitals. I learned alot from that (10+ yrs at it). Much of the time it was a strain. I was a very good and honest worker and maintained a professional outer appearance, but inside I felt like there was a small voice saying "Help me..Please"
But the years brought changes and help along the way bits and pieces at a time. Now my kids are all well educated with good careers. That would never have happened in the family. And their memory of the family is very faint. My health at that time was pretty good. But I struggled for some years with panic attacks and anxiety and depression.
I think it is good that we are talking about these things. Some people feel ashamed to say how they felt or what happened with them, but we shouldn't. It takes strength to seek help. And I did.
It is often hard finding people who truly understand what it is like to live in a high demand high control and abusive group like the family. Sometimes the best help is finding someone skilled who is willing to learn and who is grounded. That is what I found.
I am sure your experience having been in the family is a great asset to your ability to empathize with those you work with.
I know when I worked with people that were hospitalized, I treated them with dignity and did some of the dirtiest work to alleviate their pain.
I worked with people for a long time and am glad for that experience, and also glad to be out of that field now. Thanks for listening and also sharing your experience. I would like to hear more about yours now. How did you get around to leaving and what was that like for you? Do you remember what your thoughts were back then? Did you feel like you were disobeying and less than until you were away for long enough for reality to sink in? Or did it sink in before?