In Reply to: Re: Great Spirit should be a permanent article posted by AG on March 18, 2004 at 07:33:52:
How was I victimized, in my own personal opinion?
Well, two things were going on in my life just prior to joining the Fam. First, I had had a miraculous HG infilling and transformation from drug addiction 6 years prior to joining, but had backslidden, and was going through an extreme condemnation for backslidding. I was prepared to do anything to get my life back on track, including forsake all. I had read enough of the Bible, prior to meeting the Fam, to know that if I "saved my life (my life of addictions) I would lose it, but if I lost it (my life) for His Name's sake, I would save it," and that if I "forsook all for his Name's sake, I would receive a hundred fold in this life, and in the world to come," as well - you know the verses.
My church upbringing and confirmation was liturgical and rote - Anglican. I had seen through some of it's hypocracy, and that of other churches, as well, and I was looking for something else, a place to serve, I guess - that being the second thing going on in my life back then. When I met Fisher and Banabus at the train station in TO, I didn't need convincing. They were not only able to begin directly addressing the condemation, but were preaching forsake all as well. I turned to my wife and said, "I've found what I'm looking for. Are you coming?" I just jumped right into the boat.
I didn't last long though. Like I said, I was going through an extreme condemnation for backsliding, thinking that I had somehow lost my salvation. Barnabus (Widdle Guy) was very good to me during my first few days in, steering me to the Bible and the MERCY of God rather than the condemnation of God (which isn't). But I was suddenly thrust into going through horrendous forsake all trials because my wife, who hadn't been addicted, and who saw the red flags, didn't join, and kept our two babies. So, on top of the condemnation trial, now I was going through an extreme forsake all trial, and right away, back then, you were supposed to get out onto the streets witnessing - yeah, right. That was hard, cause I had nothing to give, really, I was so stuck in personal problems and grief. Anyway, a few days in and Amaziah read me, "Who To" (I guess he figured I'd just get the victory somehow - I don't hold it against him) and I got all offended (at the time) and took off into the Ontario north woods for a couple of months with a fist full of Letters. It was out there in the woods, over the course of the summer, and through some of the very basic letters, and the memorization of much of the set card, and a few sets of my own on "mercy and forgivenss", that I overcame the condemnation that I had been going through.
I remember checking out my first basic letters (those were the days when they were still individual letters and I only had a few) very carefully during my first few hours in the woods, while the mosquitoes checked me out, cause I wanted to be sure about Mo. I didn't see anything harmful in them, in fact, just the opposite: they were leading me to overcome my trials, leading me to "hear from the Lord for myself", encouraging me to "Stop, Look, and Listen", to "Squeeze Don't Jerk", to be a "Diamond of Dust", to grasp "Beauty for Ashes", teaching me to pray, etc....there wasn't anything in them that led me to believe, or even suspect, that Mo himself was a "SON OF SAM" nut job. In fact, that was just the opposite too. Some of the things that he was saying about himself in some of those letters were about him being just a man, a mess of a man even, simply saved by grace. He seemed honest and humble - "Don't put your faith in me," he'd say. "I can fail. Others can fail. Churches can fail. Jesus doesn't fail! When I go, you gotta hear from the Lord for yourself, etc..." I had no idea, and no way of knowing at the time (I don't know if anybody knew, except, of course, for those he had abused, like Faithy, perhaps Mother Eve, maybe Deb (although she says in her book that he never really got to her, even though he tried) that he knew, personally, that some of his humility about himself was referring, perhaps, to the Ro: 14 delemna of "doing the things he shouldn't do, and not doing the things that he should do" in regards to the pedophillia and, perhaps, the drinking. It wasn't until I came out of the woods and had been in the Fam for awhile, that I came across letters like, "Survival", and even in there he was saying that "others" were calling him the Endtime Prophet and that he didn't feel that of himself. I can see now, though, that through the letter timeline he came to believe, himself, that he actually WAS the endtime prophet. Either that, or he knew exactly what he was doing all along and he was stringing us along the whole time. By the time I came across letters like, "The 70 YEARS PROPHECY OF THE END" and "DAVID", the slow drip of prohecy and subtle brainwash, family lifestyle - the music, the fellowship, the comeradee, had me convinced that I had, indeed, found the Endtime Prophet, and I thought, "was I ever lucky to be one of God's chosen - ha ha. In this I feel VERY victimized. He would have been far better off going for counselling and therapy, imo, skipping the whole endtime prophet business and Cog thing, and remaining a "humbled man", simply saved by grace, for the sake of his personal family, and for our sakes too. But then again, that coulda meant jail time for him, I suppose.
In hindight, the letter, "I Gotta Split", to me, seems more of a run from his pedophillia issues with the laws of man, than it was a "shephard on the mountain feeding a revolution for Jesus" thing, although, perhaps in his mind, it was just that - that he knew exactly what he was doing - feeding a revolution, convinced that in his search of the scriptures, poligamy applies, the law of love applies, and that loving sex, even with minors, is not abusive, and that it was his job, and his duty, and his service to God to speak forth that truth. Whatever the case, intentional or unintentional, the mystique of the prophet on the mountain over a period of time (and a daily drink of Mo letters) was now fully in place, for me, and I was now a victim.
I remember, quite vividly, being asked how I felt about sharing, not long after joining. I hadn't read any of the Letters about it, didn't even know they existed, and I never witnessed any sharing going on (late 76), although Fran says that she was gratefully sharing with Amazia when she first joined as a babe shortly after I left that home. (Fran and I's paths didn't cross until late 78. I knew and had worked with Amazia and Kezia only for a few short weeks. I heard, later, that Kezia left over sharing.) I was still very much a babe in the Fam, about a month in, but I remember saying something like, "That wouldn't really bother me." I think I was thinking in terms of others. Don't ask me why it wouldn'ta bothered me. All I can say is, "What did I know back then, codependent little fellow that I was? I didn't have a personal theology, although by forsaking all I was trying to establish one. I was still in, "hoping that my "system wife" would decide to forsake all and join me" mode, and, if not, I was prepared to be a eunich. I guess my sheps didn't see me as "that kind" of a needy brother anyway. I think I was piously holy back then, but Mo pretty much dismantled that over time with, again, what I consider to be the slow drip of prohecy and subtle brainwash. Other factors that may have influenced me were the facts that I had just come out of a drug addicted hippie lifestyle (I didn't know who, or why, or what I was) and the sexual rev in society that had taken off by that time. Monkey see monkey do? If it sounded good, felt good, tasted good, it probably was good, kinda thinking?
I didn't pick up on the law of love applying to incest until I came here to the boards in 1999, thanks to Sam A. By that time, I had been out of the Fam for 10 years - 5 years wishing I could somehow get back in, and 5 years having my doubts about Mo speaking from heaven. Can you believe that? Did I read Revolutionay Sex? Yes! Did I pick up on that particular quote, "what relative, what age?" No! Did I read the Davidito Book - yes, about half of it. Did it register as child abuse? No. I thought, "Oh, neet, he's getting his pecker wet." Duh! I've said this before, "Had it been a Davidita Book, it probably would have been different. It probably would have registered. It registered when Sam A exposed it all and brought it to light on his board. It registered when I read "The Judgement!", although I hadn't seen any of that in any of the homes that I had been in. And the two cases that I did hear of, they were denounced and condemned.
When the 20 20 show aired, Mo, in the "Vivan and Barz" series, touched on incest saying, "We don't abuse our dear children." We don't believe in incest!" "I never touched my daughters," etc, etc, etc.... and, since that's what I believed, I believed him. He went on to say, in other letters as well, that our vicious antichrist enemies would stop at nothing, even accuse us of incest. I figured that to be true too. Since Mo knew all along that that was exactly what he was being accused of, and yet denoucned it to us, I, again, feel VERY VERY VICTIMIZED. Had he come right out and said, "Yes, we are having loving sex with our daughters, so what!" I would have said, "We are?" Had he laid down the law and made it an offense in the Fam not to, I woulda got the point and would have probably left the at that time, or made plans to for when the resources were in place.
It made me very angry that we had been lied to.
That's my story, that how it was for me. I know now, from reading the boards, that others did pick up on loving sex with their kids, however. When one of my daughters, who has no recollection of the Fam asked, "Why did we leave the Fam?" I told her that, ultimately, when we realized that they were trying to teach us that it was ok for us parents to have sex with you kids" she said "EUGCH!" That's when I really left the Family. That's when I got the Family out of me.
It has since made me angry that Mo so harshly dismantled and condemned the chain, to ultimatley lead the Fam by his loving ways in to the nightmare of the Victor Camps, although, thankfully, my personal family escaped all of that. We were gone before any of that took place. Perhaps I would have left had any of that happened, but then again, you never know. I was pretty cloned about most things, even the ffing.
It made me very angry at myself that I had not seen it for what it really was. It made me very angry to have to pick up all the pieces from the devastaion that was mine in having entered the cult for recovery only to discover that I had traded drug dependence for cult dependence - that I had not heeded His admonition to "beware of those coming in His Name" It made me very angry that I had allowed myself ( I take responsibility for this ) to be doctrinally influenced like I was. It made me ashamed that I, myself, had come in His Name and had influenced others to join. I know better now. Thankfully, I have had a complete recovery and I won't be doing that again.
So what was the point of forsaking all? Well, in a horrendously round about sort of a way, I did get my life back. I came to depend on HIM and HIM alone, just as Berg taught, and broke with the dependence I had on him (Berg) and the Cog parent, and I still love the Lord; my faith is still in tact, and I know exactly who, and why, and what I am. I am me, and that's a good place to be.
The Fam's abuses reach up to heaven, imo. It really ticks me off that guys in the rank get busted for pedo and incest when Mo himself gets, or got away, with it. Sometimes I wonder if he really up and died or if it was just a ruse to get the heat off. Bottom line, now that I see it for what it is, the guy was an absolute spin-head, drunk, nutcase - "Tap tap tap: 70 Years....Space City is on it's way spuing out babies, no, it's in the moon." Gawd! Where was I and what "wasn't" I thinking? "As sure as I ever heard the voice of the Lord." "Thus saith the the Lord." Was he just that nuts, or was it all a part of a deceptive little plan to have a steady stream of girls, or both. Did he read a book on it or what? And if so, was he that sociopathic as to not care what it was doing to his personal family and followers?