In Reply to: Can anyone relate? posted by Fred on March 30, 2004 at 10:13:35:
You sound so much like so many of us, we could have written the same words.
First off, try not to despair. For the sake of your kids. I've been beating myself up for the last 15 years and finally, someone here said wisely, "stop doing that - the kids will think it's their fault." That finally hit a nerve...if for nothing else but to make things easier for them, think about the fact that you ARE a good parent and that you DID protect your kids as much as possible.
TF held us all at bay, they imprisoned our minds using God and the bible. In a way, we were spiritually raped, as one Christian gentleman explained to my husband. It's going to take a long time to sort through what happened and become emotionally healthy.
When I first left the ideology of the COG, when I first abandoned David Brandt Berg as a messenger of God, I felt like I could see for the first time in many, many years. I never realized how oppressed I had been until that moment. But at the same time, I was so angry to have followed what I thought was God's plan for me, to have suffered many horrible things because of that premise, that I was extremely angry at God and felt so letdown. Why didn't he answer my prayers when I was so desperately wanting to be his disciple? If I was genuine, and I was, why didn't he somehow mastermind a way for me out of that group, or not have met them at all. So I was angry, for a very long time. Because of that, then I sort of lost my faith and did not know what to believe, much as what you are saying. You know, I still can't read the Bible without seeiing what Berg said about it so I stay away from it, I only feel violated again. This may never subside for me.
Yet, I still believe, because I know there is a great creator and we are not here by chance. My children are all lovely Christians while I wander around in the inbetween spaces looking for glimmers of truth. I have seen so many doctrines and beliefs that I found it better just to surmise from my own understanding and experiences and go from there. I am much more at peace now than I was even 5 years ago.
Yet, you are right, it is true to try and find what the bible was meant to say in the original texts since we have all but distorted so much of it and look how one man can make a perverted kingdom for himself by using that very same book. Like it says in that verse in the bible, it became a stumbling block to him.
I think the key is to never depend on someone else or some other body of believers, or some other group. It's ok to be a part of something, but not to become dependent on it. Berg & Maria acted as our parents and we became dependent on them and their doctrines. I am having to learn to be who I am without anyone's other ideology or influence in my life.
I know what you mean about leaving at middle age and having nothing to fall back on. This is the cruelty TF left us with, heck, we didn't even get a gold watch for all our years of servitude, tithes paid, hours on the field, etc., etc. When I wanted to leave I had 7 children and no husband. I met my current husband in TF and he helped me to leave. At first I kept tithing though as I was still so afraid to be blasted by God. Then I got pregnant. So we had 8 children, 7 of which were not my current husband's and it was a mess. Neither of us had any skills to fall back on, excpet my husband had been a chef, but where we were, there were no classy restaurants and he was just getting minimum wage. Finally, I told him to go to school and study to be what he wanted and would make him happy. He did, he chose to go into teaching so that we could have good benefits since we had so many kids.
When he started college, the change in him was so drastic, it was like he had been in a coma and then woke up and they took the feeding tube out and he was eating his own meals for the first time. He just couldn't get enough of school. I was just in awe. I said to myself, "you know, I'm tired of being pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen, I want to experience that too." With his encouragement, I also took courses at the local junior college and that was the best therapy I could have gotten. It sure helped me to read and digest what so many other people were thinking and writing. We both came out with our careers and started life in our 40s. I tell you, it was downright hard and there were many ups and downs as well as unhappy times, but I would rather do that then still be in the F. having someone else tell me how to raise my children, what to believe, and where I could live or not live and with whom. Just keep thinking - at least we got out and our children have a chance at life and a healthy emotional life. I hope that was a help for you.