fred, to anwer your title question, can anyone relate... yes! change a little of the arithmetic, (yrs in , yrs out, and # of kids) and you basically havethe story of many of us, myself included. i typed out some thoughts last nite that apparently were swallowed by the demon of cyberspace (who apparently has something personally against me...) but i'm gonna try again.
farmer touches on many issues and i'm sure there may be some overlap, but perhaps several different perspectives will at least be helpful in helping you to sift thru your own beliefs. (btw, that alone was a hugely helpful revelation! it was exhausting trying to force reality to conform to the quirky and often disturbed perceptions of our former interpreter of all things!)
the question of "God's will" was for me one of the most troublesome and difficult issues to sort thru. there were some experiences that i can not explain absent of the direct action of God. and some that are a struggle to see where the heck he was ! the whole concept of "God's will" took on an almost mythic quality, dipped in magic, and resembled the search to locate the golden fleece, or untangle the riddle of some secret rune in a medieval fantasy... some fatalistic script existing in heaven w/ God as director shaking his head whenever we missed a cue, and quickly scrambling to rewrite the script in the light of mishaps along the way. (imo, not only the fam, but many circles w/in the christian community labor under this type of concept.) man o man, that is a lot of pressure! lord help atlas not to shrug!
one scene in the film "two towers" sort of captured my current thinking on the subject . do remember the opening scene, when frodo and sam are hungry and lost , struggling thru the mts. on their mission? sam comments to mr. frodo something to the effect that he does not think gandalf had willed them to follow this course. frodo, recaling the scene of gandalf's recent tragic encounter w/ the dragon, observes ruefully, something like "there are a great many things that gandalf did not will, but they happened anyway." i almost said "AMEN, brother!" outloud in the theater! the question of predestination vs. freewill has filled libraries w/ great minds trying to sort it all out neatly. personally, i don't think it is all that "neat"..like the forces of the atom, and the universe, there appears to be paradoxically, seemingly opposig truths held in balance by each other, in a dynamic that defies neat explanation, but can only be navigated by a trusting heart in relationship with a guiding light. aye, but there's the rub! how do we faithwalkers, emerging from the rubble of our recently blown over house of cards, learn to trust once again??
personally, i have come to the conclusion that trying to hard to seperate the atoms in the molecule of our past is a hopeless, and ultimately fruitless endeavor. the fabric of our lives is to tightly woven w/ with strands of good and evil too inmeshed to ever be properly veiwed, until perhaps that final life reveiw that so many report is part of the deal when this episode ends.blame it on adam and eve, but we live in a fallen world where good intentions don't gaurantee happy endings, and the rain falls on the just and the unjust. and some of the outcomes are unquestionably positives, (if we hadn't joined , we wouldn't have the kids we do, the friends we met, the understanding of cultures, even the discernment we paid for so dearly!) and, the negatives (too numerous to fit in a parentheses!) but it is what has made us who we are, and brought us this far. what are we to do? curse god and die , as mrs. job suggested? or pick ourselves up, do what we have to do, and pray that as we walk on, even in our disillusionment, that perhaps, as with those walking on that road to emmaus, he will pull along side of us, open to us the scripture, and our hearts will again burn within us as the pieces of the puzzle begin to fall into place.
was God with us while we were in? i believe both theologically and experientially, that God was indeed with us throughout our sojourn. i get the sense that he was always broadcasting as we used to say, but that our recievers were being so continual jammed and f--ked w/ we only seemed to be able to get the occasional clear signal. and only when the atmospheric conditions cleared just so, were we able to finally recognize his voice guiding us to do the previously unthinkable, and blowup the damn jamming signal! in the aftermath, it seems to take awhile before we learn to tune in and listen .. and realize he difference in the signals etc. i do believe that many of us experienced genuine answers to prayer, etc right alongside the blunders of biblical proportions we participated in! but rather than spend the rest of our days trying to sort out "the angels of light" from "the angels unawares" , i'm beginning to see "sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" and force myself to focus on the stuff today, and the path o tommorow.
as far as the bible goes, it does seem to help at times to check out the original language of certain verses, esp. those that have been traditionally twisted around someone pet hobbyhorse. but personally, i've come to see it is not meant to be understood as a collection of verse... but really as a story, full of meaning and applications. in context, keeping in mind the various writers and the specific situations being addressed, it really isn't to hard to get the "big picture". as farmer points out, reading different versions proves helpful. (i have found "the message" particularly helpful in shaking off my kjv hunt for ammo to argue doctrine with approach to scripture. a poetic paraphrase, it helps to catch the flow of the story w/o bogging down in too much doctrinal detail. like twain i think it was, i agree that i have more trouble with the parts i do understand, than the parts i don't!
on the job thing i can really relate. (it might be fun to have a "who had the worst job" contest here! i know i've had some doosies!) but, eventually we stumbled, almost forrest gump style, into a business that eventually ended up not only paying the bills (don't get me wrong..still no retirement home in hawaii yet!), but also providing a good deal of stimulation and satisfaction. i've been encouraged by the many stories of his provision to exmems as they eventually find their feet, and learn to recognize their strenghths and assets, and how to utilize them in the marketplace. we'll pray for you on this.
God bless you, bro! hang in there! happy easter! a good time to remember, he did arise..and lives!
ps..have you read "ragamuffin gospel" by manning or "what's so amazing about grace" by yancey? also, "dissappointment w/ God" by yancey too, good stuff to help w/ the healing..