I understand people wanting to enjoy life but not when they
prevent others from reaching their own potential. It is not
only a matter of being controlling but of being power hungry
and of having a desire for total dominance.
Have you ever felt powerless? That is to a certain extent a
motivational force but it is also the result of not having a
comfortable level of control of our own circumstances. Up to
a certain point it is not a bad thing because it can wake us
up to what we need to address and ask ourselves of what needs
to change to regain control.
Powerlessness is the result of losing control, of giving up
control over some aspects of our life. For that same reason,
it is possible to recapture it. It will take work but being
controlled is something we can overcome by setting boundaries
and the such.
Dealing with controlling individuals requires that type of
attitude and interaction. If you have ever dealt with anybody
who is controlling, you know how true this is. You also know
that, up to a certain point, one can still have a relationship
with such individuals.
But have you ever felt helpless? That is not just the result
of control but of abuse. It is the absence of hope, like being
in a prison where everything is regimented and we can't do the
things we want unless we are in the privacy of our cell. Only
then, in that seclusion, we feel a little better and can have
a small sense of control and power... but only within the small
world we are allowed to keep.
This is one reason why some Christian interpretations work so
well to keep the submission of people (slaves, prisoners, certain
types of husbands and wives...) because they tell them to "go into
their closet and pray". They give them a little bit of control in
that closet, where they will not have an impact on the important
decisions that others are making. In this sense, religion is the
opiate of the people.
We place criminals in these environments, taking away their
freedom because they abused the rules. We, as the system of
society, place them in prisons because it is not feasible to
treat them any other way. By taking those freedoms away from
them we protect ourselves, but we also place them in a situation
where abuse takes place. It happens not because the system is
unjust or flawed but because the system cannot differentiate
between hardened criminals and non-violent naive people who
made a mistake and are totally repented.
But that only mirrors real life when some people, who are
abusers, link up with others who don't deserve their abuse
but slowly or naively fell into those situations. At one
point or another helplessness appears, and it might not be
totally overt but it is there.
A man who treats a woman like a property is abusing her. Love
has no part in it, only a sense of property. Jealousy is not
am emotional pain but a reaction to the challenge of ownership
which translates into rage not into pain. It is a matter of
property rights, a pride trip, not love and concern.
In these cases, the owner is the center of the universe, what
the other party wants has little or no bearing on what happens.
It is normally the woman and in many cases, the woman's motto is
that she chooses her battles and lets him win all others. As a
matter of fact, she may win some battles but the war is already
lost.
A man who loves a woman will see that she is taken care for,
that she is exploring her potentials and growing as a person.
Marriage is not an enterprise where one president has most of
the votes, it is not a dictatorship, but a partnership, a real
democracy when one side will never feel put down or pushed into
something or made do or say anything.
One or two controlling individuals in a marriage is bad but as
long as boundaries are clearly defined, things can work out. But
If abuse enters the picture, the marriage is already gone.
Examine the traditional marriage vows: "Do you promise to honor...."?
Honor is the keyword that should never be out of the picture, and abuse
erases it from it. All the rest in that promise becomes hogwash when
one party abuses the other. "In honor prefer one another" (Ro. 12:10).
Both sides, not one more than the other. The first time it happens,
the marriage is gone, the agreement is undone, the whole thing has
ended.
Marriage is a wonderful thing and I have seen it working. It is a total
partnership at all levels, when both partners have equal rights over
every single part of everything. It is as strong or as delicate both
sides make it. When only one side is constantly working at it and all
the time receiving the short end of the stick...
Well, maybe I should leave it at that. I am all talked out :-)