In Reply to: petitioning god posted by porceleindoll on July 18, 2004 at 23:01:15:
You wrote: "In my opinion, it's God's turn to make the next move. And if He does it in a way that causes grief and heartache, it will only serve to drive us that much further from Him, not closer."
I just wanted to say that although I am "FG" you expressed in this paragraph exactly what I have felt and verbalized.
I left home on my 18th birthday and joined the family less than two months after. I would have left sooner but my parents had contacts in law enforcement and I was threatened with being locked up until 21 if I left home before then. I had a lot of damage regarding spirituality and so much anger having been called just about every derogatory name in the book and much of it in relation to the religion of my alcoholic father. I got slapped, beaten, was molested at 8 by a neighbor army sergeant and that was blamed on me. I was called slut, pig, bitch, heathen. I had a very sadistic father, brother and sister and a self-absorbed mother. The family presented itself as a solution to all the worlds problems. Those two months on the sts. before the family were filled with horrors too, but I prefered them rather than go back to my family. The family really felt quite safe at that time as sex was forbidden btw. members, even dating or holding hands. I went from one controlled situation to another which first felt safer.
When all the sex stuff started, because of what I experienced as a child, I rebelled a lot and avoided it and had major panic attacks. I was so programmed to believe I was weak and wrong for having feelings that contradicted the family. But when I read the letters about "Marry Time" and the push was on to India and the talk was taking kids away to be raised in schools, I began to really freak. That and the sexual abuse that was occurring in the family to resistant females like me. I left on impulse and felt wrong until I was away for long enough to gather some marbles..
Perhaps if i had not had such issues about sex I would have stayed in longer. I don't know.
What I do know is that I totally relate to the idea that coming to believe in anything would have to be prefaced by good things and loving things happening in my life. Anything negative, even facing death would drive me further away. After all fear was the predominant factor in my entire life until getting help years after leaving the family.
The chaos of leaving without support or without knowing of any resources or place to go for help that was safe made leaving an experience that was like jumping out of the fire and into the frying pan..and sometimes like back into the fire again.
That is one reason I have such a desire to assist with hunting up contacts for people wanting to leave, as in places to stay and what is available that would fit what a person would feel the most safe around. So far, I have not heard of anyone that is looking for that. But getting out without help or knowing where to look can be hellacious.
We lived quite poorly and had many bad experiences and so I felt quite the same regarding where the fuck was God???????
One person who was a friend suggested something to me and I tried it. They asked me to write down all the characteristics I would like to have in a "God" and since I hated that name, what would I call it. Although I don't use it now, it did help me realize things about what I want. First of all I called it "SAM" for two reasons. It stood for Safe And Mysterious, and the name did not assign a specific gender. Some of the characteristics I gave "SAM" were:
*Loves me unconditionally as if I were the only person that ever even existed.
*Has a sense of humor
*Was not someone that would ever have me kneel but would be able to converse with me while sitting on a park bench...
*Liked leather and the color black (something I liked alot at that time)
*Could appear to me via a friend, a stranger, an adult, a child, an animal, in nature
*Is mysterious not defined in a box, but absolutely safe.
*Is not all powerful.
I don't remember the rest, but what I realized was that I wanted something quite different from anything I had known.
I have to say that there are times in my life when I am certain that something supernatural was occurring that was protective but certainly not for much of my life.
I guess that is why I like Orizon's poetry so much, I relate to the viewpoints utilizing nature and beauty.
Sorry this is so lengthy, and I sure don't mean to diffuse your anger..
Anger was my best friend and protector for a very long time. Still is at times after so much domination from others in my family of origin and then the family.
Anyway, what characteristics would you like to see in a great spirit, or god or universal power or whatever you would call it?