--If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
--And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
--Its been a rough day. I got up this morning put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
--I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
--Once when I was lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He said 'I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide.'
--My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
--I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
--I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
--My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
--When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
--I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
--My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
--My sex life? Are you kiddin'? My sex life is like tryin' to shoot pool with a rope.
--I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.