New Family Health Guidelines
Mommy Mama: With the new push in the media trying to give our sex cult a squeaky clean image & trying to show that we are a Godly group, we were reminded of what dear Grandpa has often told us: “Cleanliness is not next to Godliness—it’s part of it!” With that in mind, we felt it was time to give some new health guidelines. As our Husband has shown us, it’s not just enough to come out & smile in front of the cameras & deny our apostate’s lies, but we must also brush our teeth before we smile & deny apostate lies.
Clair Borowick recently ate a large meal just before a TV interview, & didn’t have time to brush her teeth before the interview, & by now you’ve all read the “Tell A Big One!” series & know the results. Because so much food was stuck on & between her teeth, she was unable to “lie through her teeth” as we had instructed, & as a result, she looked like an idiot on national television. As we have repeatedly instructed in the “Tell A Big One!” series, if you’re not willing to deceive & lie for the sake of the Truth, then who’s going to believe you when you tell the truth, amen?
When we asked our Husband why Clair forget to brush & floss, he said, “Oh my scatterbrained half-brained little hottie lovers, do I have to tell you everything?” (End of prophecy from our Husband.) We then realized that yes, we DO need to tell you everything, including how to brush your teeth, how often, which toothpaste to use, etc. While we were at it, we thought we need to remind you of sexual cleanliness. After all, what do you do a lot of in a sex cult? Have sex, right?
So with this in mind we prayed & asked our dear Grandpa to speak to us from the Spirit World. Many of you had written in recently asking questions, so we printed out your questions, placed the Quija board on the table, joined hands, turned out the lights & got in the spirit. Here are Grandpa’s answer’s to our staff’s questions:
Maria: Grandpa? Hello? Grandpa? Are you there?
Grandpa’s Ghost: Ha ha ha! It’s me all right!
Maria: Which of the girls are you speaking through, Grandpa? I can’t see.
Grandpa’s Ghost: I’m speaking through YOU, stupid idiot!
Maria: Oh. What a surprise. I didn’t even recognize my own voice. It’s so deep. I sounded like Ponderosa.
Grandpa’s Ghost: Why did you disturb me? It had better be important!
Maria: (I then explained the present media situation to Grandpa, & told him that I wanted to ask him some questions from the field. He agreed, so I began.) First of all—let me turn on my little flashlight here so I can read this—Sally Firstfruits from Duluth, Indiana writes: ‘Dear Grandpa, you said that FFers should keep on fucking outsiders even if we have VD, & I agree. After all, their souls are more important than their penises. But today I was reading an old Letter where you said you hated it when women handled your penis, then stroked your hair without washing their hands first. You said you would immediately go & wash your hair. So my question is, if it’s no big deal to deliberately give outsiders venereal diseases, why were you so concerned about a bit of sexual juice on your hair?
Grandpa’s Ghost: What the hell kind of question is that? Who the hell is Sally Firstfruits? Doesn’t she realize that I’m the KING & even one hair of my head is more important than all the penises in the world? Doesn’t she realize how important cleanliness is? Can you imagine? Yuk! Someone touching their sexual parts & then touching your hair? Filthy gentiles. Don’t you know that the Old Testament has 200 verses telling you to wash & stay clean? And those laws are STILL IN EFFECT. Lying, adultery, prostitution all those things are okay in the new age of grace, but forget to wash you hands & BAM! God will judge you! Forgetting to wash your hands is almost as bad an not tithing! Whew! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a men’s washroom & seen men come out without even washing their hands. The Jews wash plenty! “Ik bin ein Yiddisher man mit ein Yiddisher hertz und I vash mein Yiddisher handz.”
Maria: Of course, but I think what Sally was asking is why is it so horrible to get a little sexual juice in your hair, but not bad to give someone gonorrhea intentionally?
Grandpa’s Ghost: Do you want my hair to fall out?
Maria: Is that what would happen?
Grandpa’s Ghost: I don’t doubt it. Look, sometimes you simply have to obey ’cause Daddy said so. As I used to tell my kids when they were little, & ran around the house beating on pots & pans to drive the Devil away, I would tell them, ‘Dr. Koger used to say that you should never touch aluminum pots & pans. They can give you cancer.’
Maria: But about sexual juice in your hair—
Grandpa’s Ghost: I was getting to that. All those sexual germs & bacteria are just fine down there in your sexual parts, & they don’t cause disease or anything, but it’s only when you get them in places they shouldn’t be that they cause problems. So as long as VD stays in penises & vaginas where it belongs, no matter whose penis it is, it’s not a problem.
Maria: So it’s okay to infect others with VD but - ?
Grandpa’s Ghost: You’d better not infect ME!
‘Your Questions & Answers’ be continued.....