In Reply to: Thank God for that! posted by ray on March 17, 2006 at 19:51:41:
I needed a good laugh. ;) You are quite witty. My journey since leaving the Family has been first that I searched churches and felt a lot of rejection because I didn't know I could use therapy or anything and thought people would understand about my experience. Instead, it was turned against me or I was made to feel less than if I could not in my heart endorse the full doctrines of whatever church.
At another time I was pressured into bible studies that I willingly went to from the boss at a workplace. It was friendly at first but the boss was new to a charismatic church and they had church counselors and were telling me how to live my life outside the workplace and when I forged a friendship with someone at the workplace that I did not know was former love interest of the asst. boss I began to be dealt with. I was first their best employee because the Family certainly drilled a work work work ethic into me. After all "free time" was largely a scheduled event unless a person was on the road or something and I wasn't normally.
I was having many problems with very high anxiety and saw a DR. who was also a psychiatrist that was very old. He would ask the same question every time then later he looked at his notes and asked why I kept saying the same thing. I said "Because you keep asking me the same question!" He tried giving me some drugs I did not want to take and then gave me tranquilizers and it worked. I realized I could go to a General Dr. and get them without all the pain. Oh, and the Psychiatrist recommended I see about joining this group of young Christians that lived somewhere in town. For all I knew it was the family! But I guess he figured I'd be happy back in that environment.
So, I got my tranquilizers and then couldn't live without them and I began to drink again too.
I ended up in a 12 step program after a suicide attempted overdose. There I was love bombed and told to get a sponsor but reacted to the cult like control of the big book having ALL the answers and the readings and chant like closings with the Lord's Prayer rang a bell in a bad way for me. But one thing good I got from there was a suggestion to write out what would be the characteristics of a God that I would like and to give it a name. I named it SAM, a good gender neutral name and it stood for Safe and Mysterious. I wanted a God that above all was SAFE and that I did not have to define concretely or totally understand.
I listed characteristics. Though some here have though it silly or berg-like I don't at all. Because before this point and in between it for some years I was a very angry person and called myself Atheist or Agnostic.
Some of the characteristics I listed were:
Loved me as if I was the only person who ever existed.
NEVER wanted to see me on my knees in submission like an object for pleasure.
Could talk to me through a babys laughter or a stranger in passing or though nature
Had a SENSE OF HUMOR. My God had to have a sense of humor.
I can't remember the other characteristics, but in reality everyone can choose either to follow something and take it off track and make it awful and do things like Berg did or seek to do good and enjoy life or go down whatever path they choose and with or without an awareness there are consequences for choices, good and bad.
I don't see anything wrong with the God I invented. It really was an attempt to connect with a higher power that was positive.
Anyway, because of prejudices against atheists and the expectation for people to grow into Christians that many in this 12 step program had, and the lack of really feeling connected to that dream, I floated back towards Atheism/Agnosticism and believe me I was really blacklisted in some ways when I presented as an atheist compared to when I presented as a former "missionary" after leaving the Family.
I was very angry towards any God idea. There are other reasons too that I don't feel like dicussing now. But somehow over time that anger dissipated. For the most part anyway..lol.
Since then I have taken a universalist approach without belonging to any church.
I think that if a person is strong in their faith they don't have to belittle mine or point out the error in mine.