In Reply to: Any takers on this topic? posted by Jo on October 05, 2006 at 20:15:44:
Hi Jo! Good initiative, starting this topic!
On getting out, I desparately wanted to get back to where I'd left off. Only, it wasn't so simple anymore. Along with the intense feelings of relief and hope for the future, was the nagging worry about where to live and how to feed several very young children, with no education and no marketable job skills.
What complicated things for a while was also the fact that I was no longer the same person I was who'd gone and disappeared into the cult for a few years. On exiting, I was someone who still wanted to wake up my children with a reveille and have them spend their mornings in word time. I still discounted their feelings as murmuring. It took a while for me to decontaminate myself from TF lifestyle and allow myself to be me, and allow my children to be children.
On my journey to finding myself again, I got back into music I wasn't allowed to listen to. Just about everything fed my starving soul. But I was still used to applying special meanings to everything a la Berg. In the begininning, even listening to Hotel California by the Eagles made me think the song was a prophecy about TF. Eventually though, I started to appreciate music for what it was instead of trying to find its place in the spiritual scheme of things, the way Berg pigeon-holed everything. I love almost anything in small doses, but old-school Soul and R & B probably agree with me best. West African beats or Zulu Township music will make me dance and cry tears of joy. Algerian Rai will make me party hard. The fluid portamento melodies of a Vietnamese Danbo will mesmerize me. Jazz will trigger my mental faculties and inspire me to live life to the ullest and adapt to any situation. It took me years to appreciate jazz, as deeper forms of jazz require trained ears and you have to know what to listen for and what you are listening to to understand it. Probably the music I identify with least is the super slick stuff, or Barry Manilow for example. I like Aaron Neville and Tori Amos, 2 of the artists you mentioned. I'm really opinionated about music as you can see, but that is me, and I am happy being me.
Bikes are another thing I got back into. For a while dirt bikes were my thing. Now it's big-ass Harley custom cruisers. I think the new models of Harleys are so much better - smooth, fuel efficient, less trouble to maintain. I like clearing the traffic with the roars from a tiny little but of throttling.
Knowlege. There was so much out there to absorb. I was as sponge for information. I could really relate when I watched movies where an alien was having a vacation on earth, and learning to appreciate everything about life here, from the taste of peanut butter to the beauty of a sunset. So many things were a first time for me, and I was exploding with the joy of new sensations after having been in sensory deprivation for so long.
Man, I really understand what you mean about the name thing and how complicated that can be. Going back to my birth name wasn't easy, as I associated it with a lot of negative aspects of my past,having grown up in a severely dyfunctional family with a lot of abuse.
Once in a while strange things would remind me of my special gift with animals. They seemed to have found their way back to me, and if anything makes me know and feel God, it's them. Squirrels would come and eat out of my hands again, sparrows would land on my shoulder. Last year I had a big fish swim up to me, let me hold him in my hands, and hang out and swim with me in the shallow waters of the sea untill I left. (I've got pictures to prove it too :-) ) I became a vegetarian for a few years, concerned about animal rights and the meat industry, health and ecological issues.
For years I wore the same jeans and shirt day in day out, because I was poor, with all my money going to raising my children. Years later when my finances got better, I started buying things that made me stand out as me. It took a while find my style, but it worked. Then one day for no reason I just started designing my own leather jackets, suits and coats, and having them made. Most of what I made looked classical enough, but stood out in some way as being different, and I had people offering to pay me money if I would make them some of the clothes they saw me wear. Designing clothes no longer interests me anymore though.