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Cool Tips for Hot Sex!
Circulated without cost for educational purposes only.
CM. For voting members only.
General Comments 6
Attitude Counts 7
Sex Etiquette 14
Talking Sex with Your Partner 18
What Turns a Man On 27
What Turns a Woman On 31
Everyone Is Different 35
Our Imperfect Bodies 37
Pre-Date Queries 41
The Bare Essentials 41
Making Yourself Sexually Attractive 42
Setting the Stage 47
Breaking the Ice 50
Mental Foreplay 51
Going Slow 52
The Art of Undressing 54
Fabulous Foreplay 60
For Each Other 72
Masturbating a Man 74
Masturbating a Woman 79
Oral Sex 86
Oral Sex for Men 89
Oral Sex for Women 98
In the Act 103
Non-Fucking Positions 104
"All The Way" Positions 107
Spiritual Sex 113
There's always more to learn! 120
Love Words to Jesus 121
This compilation of comments, tips, ideas, and explanations concerning sexual fellowship is being provided as an educational tool. The points included herein are taken from a wide range of sources, including the MO Letters, books and publications written by experts in this field, findings from various medical studies, and different people's personal experiences and opinions. Although you will find important material on communication--a key to a fulfilling sex life--still, this is not a relationship or marriage manual. At best it's a loose collection of what we hope and pray are helpful practical tips to help bridge the information gap regarding sexual intimacy, particularly techniques and ideas to experiment with as alternatives to intercourse.
Depending on your personal feelings and situation and the Family guidelines put forth in the Charter concerning sexual fellowship for people of your age, you may or may not choose to experiment with some of the activities that are discussed in this book. If you are a young person who has had very little personal experience with sex, you will naturally go much more slowly than people who have been having sex for quite some time.
There is absolutely no obligation for anyone in the Family to participate in any of the sexual activities put forth in this publication. By publishing these tips and ideas, we in no way want to give the impression that sexual sharing is our new "top priority." Dad has wisely said that sex is only 2% of life, and it is not the aim of this publication to increase that percentage drastically.
Each person is free to choose what he or she does or does not want to do, as long as it's in accordance with the guidelines allowed for your age in the Charter. Even if, according to Family rules, you are allowed considerable freedom in the area of sexual fellowship, you are still in no way obligated to experiment with the ideas put forth in this publication. In fact, some might seem rather unappealing to you because everyone's sexual tastes vary somewhat, so it's up to you to take what you like and leave the rest.
Here is an analogy that might make this concept easier to understand: Say you walk into a gourmet restaurant. You sit down at a table with candlelight, beautiful china and silverware, and are handed a six-page menu of delicious dishes. You then read about all the dishes, the hors d'oeuvres, the entrees and the desserts. Some dishes may appear wonderfully appetizing and delicious to you, others might be rather interesting, and finally others might not sound very appealing at all. But it goes without saying that no one would expect you to actually order all the dishes on the menu! You would simply pick and choose that which is the most appealing to you personally. Likewise, concerning sexual fellowship, each person can choose (within the boundaries of the Charter and the Law of Love) what they feel in the mood for and what they feel will keep them happy, healthy and satisfied.
We want to again stress that although a variety of suggestions and tips are included in this publication, they are by no means to be taken as "the way you must do it." For example, there is a quote later in this material that says, "One sexual therapist concludes, 'In my interviews with hundreds of men and women, the results were clear: Women generally prefer slow foreplay, long kisses and cuddling, while men generally prefer spontaneity and physical passion.'" Of course we know that women sometimes like spontaneity and physical passion, while men also sometimes like slow foreplay, long kisses and cuddling. It depends on your mood and lots of other things. We pray you won't feel limited, bound or boxed in by what seem like broad opinions or findings. The point is, regardless of who's giving an opinion, whether a young man or woman, an author or sex therapist, it's still only one opinion, and should be balanced with other advice, as well as your own tastes and preferences and those of your date partner/partners.
When you read this publication you might initially feel overwhelmed or embarrassed, thinking, "All this time I've been doing it wrong!" Don't be so hard on yourself! No one knows or practices all this advice. So please don't feel like you've failed or have been a lousy lover because you weren't aware of all this information. Just take what points appeal to you and add them into your lovemaking repertoire as you and your partner/partners(s) feel led.
Another problem that might crop up with the publishing of all this information about sex is the feeling that you now have to compete, or that you have to be the first one to try out all these new things because you feel threatened or insecure, thinking that someone else who your mate, lover or friend shares with sexually will do it better or be freer, more exciting, more innovative, more expressive, more adventurous, or whatever. We would be saddened if this publication would generate competition and jealousy, because our purpose in compiling these tips is not to make you sad, but instead to help you to be more fulfilled and happy in your love times with others. Our desire is to supply new and different ideas, possibly things that you haven't thought of or heard of before, for your information and for you to try as you feel led. But the idea certainly isn't to put you in bondage by making you feel like you have to make love a certain way, or by making you feel that you now have to perform or compete. Listen to what Dad had to say on the subject:
"It's a sad thing to feel competitive when it comes to loving one another, making love, communicating, sharing your heart. Competition is really not of the Lord; it squelches the freedom of the spirit, it takes away your individuality as you're trying to be like someone else, or be something that you're not. Competition is synonymous with fear, because you're afraid that somebody is going to be better, do better, look better, or act better. When you're competitive or jealous, you're afraid that somebody else is going to turn your lover on more than you do, be more exciting, full of newer and better and more ideas. But I want to tell you that this is not the right way to look at it. Not only is it not healthy and it doesn't make you happy, but it's not even the truth.
"What really counts is the spirit, how much of God's love you have, how unselfish you are, how giving you are, how truly loving you are. That's what really counts. The Lord is the one who enhances your lovemaking. He enhances it with the spirit. That's what makes it more exciting, more fulfilling. That's what makes your head spin! That's what gives you such pleasure as you've never known before. It's because the Lord is there in all His glory. And He is able to be there more because of your freedom in the spirit and because you create a vacuum for Him through your unselfish love and giving and your tender, caring, positive spirit." (End of points from Dad.)
Remember, each person is an individual. Each person has his or her own lovemaking style and preferences. No two people are the same. You shouldn't compare one lovemaking partner with another, nor should you compare yourself with others, thinking you've got to do more, or do it faster, or do it better, or do it more often, in order to be considered an "expert."
The goal of this publication is not to create a bunch of "experts." The goal is to educate, to give various ideas and examples of things that you can try if you want to, if you feel led, but it's good to understand that nobody is going to be able to adopt all of these ideas, or even a large percentage of them, into their regular lovemaking habits. If you learn a little here or there, or try a few new things here or there, and if you find what you personally like and what pleases your partner, that's good. And especially if you young people find suitable, satisfying alternatives to intercourse, then that's good. But it would be unrealistic to expect anyone to be able to put into practice all the ideas and tips and techniques put forth in this publication.
As you read this material, if you see something that strikes your fancy that you would like to try, fine, then try it. And if you enjoy it and it is comfortable and satisfying for both you and your partner, then fine, that's good. But there will undoubtedly be a lot of tips or ideas or techniques put forth that either you don't feel comfortable with or that aren't to your particular liking in some way, in which case you can just forget about those.--Don't worry about them at all and don't feel condemned or that you're missing the mark in any way or that you are not free or liberated.
As was said earlier, each person is an individual, each person has different likes and dislikes. Just be yourself. Be happy. Be loving. Do as you feel led of the Lord, and don't yield to the temptation to be competitive, because that will just steal your joy and the freedom of the spirit in your lovemaking.
The points in each section are listed in random order, not by order of importance. Some points are specifically for men, some specifically for women, and many points can be of benefit to both sexes. Enjoy!
Happy fulfilling sexual fellowship begins by having an attitude of faith and understanding that God is not against sex. He doesn't look at sex as some kind of "necessary evil." The Devil hates sex, but God loves it!
Dad said: "Enjoy yourself, you are part of God and His Creation, and He created you to love and enjoy both Him and His Creation forever!" (ML#258:62).
"God created you to enjoy all these things. He created the very nerves which feel good and the very senses which feel pleasant, to look upon things which are pleasant to the eye, to taste things which are delicious, to hear beautiful music and things which are pleasant, to feel pleasurable sensations of touch and to even smell the lovely fragrance of a flower and of delicious food cooking, pleasant smells, fragrant odors" (ML#1035:10).
Everyone wants to be good in bed. We want to be pleasing to our lovers and those we share intimate fellowship with. However, we would do well to realize, amidst the challenge and excitement of learning new techniques, that the most important key to being a good lover has been in our possession all along. The key is remembering to keep the Lord at the center of our lives. As Dad and Mama have always taught, as long as He is the focal point, everything else will be in proper perspective.
Jesus is the key to the satisfaction and fulfillment that we seek for ourselves and our loved ones. All the sex techniques and positions in the world cannot replace the fulfillment of putting Him first and enjoying His blessing on our lives as a result. Here's something Dad said on this subject:
"…If you put Him first, love and worship Him above all and thank Him for all of these things that He has given us to enjoy and enjoy them, find great pleasure and pleasantness in them to the point that they are not overriding or lustful to the exclusion of God and His love and worship, then it is not a sin to enjoy life and sex and food and sensual pleasures which God created your senses to enjoy. PTL! TYJ!" (ML#1035:14).
"God intended for us to enjoy these bodies and our lives in them to the very full with every fiber and every nerve of our body! He put them there for a purpose. If it was a nerve to make you feel good, then He did it to have you enjoy it and to make you feel good, amen? Just don't be excessive and intemperate and abuse your body and overdo!" (ML#1237:28).
Reading the Word and seeing how the Lord feels about sex will help you to enjoy loving sexual fellowship and will liberate you from the unwarranted guilt and condemnation that the Devil would want to burden you with.
Dad expounded on how we do not need to suffer the Enemy's condemnation when he said: "If your attitude is right and you're looking on sex with the right attitude, knowing that it is God-created, God made you to enjoy it and expected you to enjoy it, you're not doing a thing wrong at all, you're just fulfilling God's laws, His natural laws, His emotional laws, physical laws. You can enjoy it without compunction, without being conscience-stricken or condemned or anything else.
"The Apostle Paul brings out very clearly that the business of the Devil is to try to bring condemnation. And that's why he says, 'blessed is the man who condemneth not himself in the thing which he alloweth' (Rom.14:22). Blessed is the man! In other words, if you know it's right and God-ordained and God-made … then you don't have to be condemned and you don't have to be conscience-stricken or have feelings of wrongdoing, because you know it's of the Lord" (ML #1339:38,39).
* So don't let the Enemy condemn you or make you feel carnal or "unspiritual" if you enjoy and desire sex.
"It's not a sin to enjoy sex! It's not a sin to enjoy good food. It's not a sin to look on the beauty of the naked body of a woman, or a man if you're a woman, and it's not a sin to enjoy beautiful sights and sounds and pleasurable feelings, tastes and fragrances" (ML #1035:20).
* On the other hand, don't let the Devil condemn you if you don't feel particularly sexy.
"There are some people who just aren't normally sexual or sexy, so they ought to accept themselves the way they are, quit trying, just act natural, be themselves, quit trying to be somebody they're not. Get interested in the Lord's work and put your energies into something more profitable, instead of just trying to be sexy when you don't feel sexy or trying to be something that you aren't.
"Ninety-eight percent of life is not sex! So why not enjoy the other ninety-eight percent instead of letting two percent ruin all your enjoyment of life and all your pleasure? Sex is not the greatest thing in life! Serving the Lord is the greatest thing in life! Serving others is the greatest thing in life!" (ML #1923:5,7).
* ?Warm, fulfilling, exciting lovemaking is not a result of knowing a specific set of techniques. It's not a "do this, don't do that" affair. It is a reflection of love, emotion, humility, warmth, passion, tenderness, honesty and concern for the other person. The best lover may not be the most experienced, but rather the one who cares for his or her partner with real outgoing concern, and is able to prefer his or her partner's happiness and pleasure.
Give real love. "Sex can only last so long without real unselfish love, and if they don't get that, sooner or later it's going to sour" (ML #560:38).
* Relax. Don't try to be something you're not. Just be natural and be honest.
Take your time. Don't be in a hurry. "There is hardly anything that can be enjoyed in a hurry!--A glass of wine, a walk, a talk, a ride, a view, a meal or an embrace! Go slow, take your time, you'll enjoy it more--even lovemaking! You'll get more out of life!" (ML #11:1,21).
* If you're inexperienced at sex, remember that no one is expecting you to suddenly be an expert or a "super lover." Sex and lovemaking is an art, and it takes time and experience to learn. Just go slow, don't push it, and enjoy yourself.
* Affection on a day-to-day basis lays the foundation for a good sexual relationship. Both partners are more likely to be responsive in sex when tender hugs and kisses are part of everyday life, not just the signal for or a prelude to sex.
* Develop mutual interests with your friends/lovers beyond sex. Sex is an important part of life, but it takes more than sex to make a good relationship. People who spend more quality time together will usually enjoy more satisfying sexual fellowship together.
* Having nonsexual fellowship together can make your times of sexual intimacy flow more easily and naturally, as you feel more comfortable with each other. Have a nice dinner together. Take a walk. Read the latest Word together. Have breakfast and fellowship together on free day. Doing such things should not be reserved only for those who are married or in love with each other, but are pleasurable ways to cultivate friendship and simply enjoy life.
* Be thoughtful and considerate. The best way to ensure loving sex is to work at building a thoughtful, loving relationship that encompasses more than just physical love. If you become more loving, your sexual fellowship with others will improve.
* Staying in good health, exercising regularly and avoiding stress and worry can help you enjoy better sex.
* A good love relationship, if you are in one, does take at least some attention. Chronic extreme busyness and exhaustion from overwork can dull even the most satisfying relationships. Try to set aside at least a little time each week, dedicated to spending time with your partner.
* Some people prefer sexual fellowship to be spontaneous. While that's fine and perhaps the ideal, if you find that your "spontaneity" isn't working, there's nothing wrong with making a conscious effort to spend intimate time together. Planning your dates ahead of time might actually help to put you in the mood, as you'll be able to anticipate and prepare for it. Such anticipation can be quite a turn-on for some.
* Remember, it takes time to get to know one another. As your relationship grows and you feel closer to each other spiritually and can more easily be open and honest with each other, your time spent together in sexual fellowship will become more satisfying. You'll probably have your best sexual fellowship with the people you know fairly well.
* Either the man or the woman can make the first move to initiate sex. Sometimes the man will be the seducer, sometimes the woman the seductress. Neither sex should expect the other to always make the first move.
* One sexual therapist concludes, "In my interviews with hundreds of men and women, the results were clear: Women generally prefer slow foreplay, long kisses and cuddling, while men generally prefer spontaneity and physical passion." So do both and both will be happy.
"The basic need of both sexes is real love. The greatest need of all is love. 'The greatest of these is love' (1Cor.13:13), but the way a man needs to have his love expressed is different from the way a woman most wants her love expressed" (ML #529:9, DB7).
* "Concentration is one of the keys to being good in bed," emphasizes one woman. "I force myself to concentrate on what I'm doing. I become totally involved with the movements I'm making."
Dad said: "I think we have more satisfaction and more satisfying sex in the Family than anywhere! Where can you get really satisfying sex without love? We have sexual freedom along with love! The world goes outside of marriage and they pretend and they think they've got sexual freedom and liberty and license, when actually they're bound with that craving for sex. But it is never satisfied, actually, because sex can never be truly satisfying without love!" (ML #1398:50).
"One of the fringe benefits, I'd say major benefits of our Family, is that we really have got it and we really can enjoy it!--Everything that God has given us, PTL! We've got it all! They have got nothing on us. The Devil tries to pretend, 'Follow me and I'll give you all of this pleasure and sex and money, blah blah!' He's got nothing on us at all …" (ML #2399:66).
"Sex can be just a selfish thing, just because you need it and want it. But to give a person love and affection and cuddles to show that you love them, that's something that's beyond and more than and even greater than sex. That's real love, to show you love them" (ML #2445:6).
The responsibility that comes with having sex is an important issue. Although it's common knowledge that intercourse can cause conception, (and in some known cases, even just heavy foreplay if the penis gets close to the vaginal opening) many people find it easier to ignore this possibility and proceed "with their fingers crossed," so to speak. This kind of attitude often results in an unexpected pregnancy, which leads to people needing to take responsibility that they don't feel they're ready for.
Throughout this publication there are ideas for alternatives to intercourse, mainly to provide information about sexual play that you can engage in with a person who you cannot or would not marry if a child did result. The goal is not to downplay the wonderful gift from Heaven that babies are, but rather to ensure that babies conceived have a caring mother and father who have prayed through their relationship and responsibilities together, as much as possible.
Another part of maturity in sex is not expecting the other person to bear all the responsibility for possible pregnancy. Both partners should be sensitive that they don't put pressure on the other to do anything that they're not comfortable with or don't have the faith for. It will take a little time beforehand to discuss these issues together, but unless you have both decided that you want to have a child together and be married, it is in your own interests to talk about ways other than intercourse to bring each other pleasure and satisfaction. The bottom line is, if you have not talked about it together beforehand and decided beforehand that you want to fuck and you're willing to have a child together, then don't fuck! (See also "Talking Sex with Your Partner.")
* One Second Generation man illustrated the above point, saying: "We're very free about sex, but a lot of people don't really know how to have fun, yet not do more than they intended to do. Lots of times people just go ahead and fuck because either they don't know what else to do, or they haven't talked about it. It's also popular to have 'just let it happen sex,' that is, when you meet someone and they want to have sex, you just do it without really thinking about the consequences.
"I guess I'm the perfect example of what I'm talking about. There was a young woman I had dates with for awhile but on our dates I never came. I guess I should have said something but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know very well how to masturbate her either but I somehow managed to do it! Anyway on our last date we went all the way. That's not to say there was anything inherently wrong with it, but the problem was we didn't talk about it--it just happened. But she was going to a different country, so if she had gotten pregnant I wouldn't have been able to be there to be the father.
"All that to say, it's very easy to go all the way, thinking it's what the other person wants, but with no real guidance, just floating on the currents of feelings and emotions."
When you make a decision to have intercourse, you need to have faith to have a baby. The problem is many young people say they have faith to not get pregnant. They think, "Oh, I'll go ahead and fuck, because I don't believe I will get pregnant. I have the faith for it." Well, that's not the right way to look at it. You shouldn't think you have the faith to not get pregnant, you should ask yourself if you have the faith to get pregnant, because there have been many who said they had the faith to not get pregnant who ended up pregnant!
Be careful about sending subtle vibes to your partner or making demands on your partner to the effect that you won't or can't be satisfied with anything but intercourse. There are plenty of other ways to have fun and find satisfaction in sex, so long as you are willing to humble yourself and communicate and experiment together.
As a single, before having sex with someone (or if you are married, with someone other than your spouse) you should personally decide what your position is concerning the counsel in "Go for the Gold," and then stick to it. Don't allow yourself to make irresponsible decisions every time an attractive person comes along and you're struck by physical desire. As a single, don't decide that you wouldn't mind being attached to another person should you have a child, unless you're sure that he or she shares the same sentiments. By the same token, don't just "chance" it with someone, hoping that a baby will not result. Being responsible about sex is wise and loving.
Plenty of women get pregnant the first time they have sexual intercourse. A woman can also get pregnant by having the man's penis inside even if the man does not ejaculate, because during lovemaking the penis constantly leaks small amounts of semen (with lots and lots of sperm), even before ejaculation. Getting pregnant could and might happen to you if you have the man's penis inside of you, so be sure to seek the Lord, and act according to your faith!
For singles, if you haven't talked with the person you'll be sharing with before a date about having intercourse, then you should not have intercourse during the date. The decision to go all the way is an important one that could result in the creation of a child which will need to be parented. You should not fuck unless both partners together have made the decision to do so before the date begins, with the understanding that if pregnancy occurs the Lord expects you to get married in most cases. Unless you are pretty certain that you want to marry the person you are having the date with, it would be better to avoid intercourse.
Please reread "Mama's Memo!--No. 4" in GN 748, which is a summary of the practical applications of the Go for the Gold message.
* If you have arranged to spend some time with someone, please try to be on time. If you are going to be late, inform them ahead of time so they're not left wondering if you're even going to show up! And definitely don't forget if you've arranged a date, as that can really hurt the other person!
* Your sex life is a personal matter, and the details of what you do on a date with someone should not be loosely discussed with others or spread around. If you do, it can backfire on you, or hurt your partner or others. Your partner may find out and most likely will not appreciate you informing others of his/her sexual preferences. Or, you could unknowingly be talking with someone who also has dates with that person, and what you share with them could cause them trials or make them compare. So keep it to yourself!
There are times when you do need to confide in a shepherd or respected elder, but choose your confidant wisely and make sure they are responsible and not prone to gossip. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
(Senior teens please remember that in the explanation of point F. of the Sex and Affection Rules in the Charter, it says: "We are permitting you [seniors] to partake of sexual sharing within the 16-20 year age range with the understanding that you will agree to be shepherded by the adults, and that you will be open and honest about your questions, tests and trials." This makes it clear that you senior teens are expected to allow yourselves to be shepherded in your sexual sharing so you can get counsel and support from your shepherds.)
Here are further excerpts from the GN "Teen Sex Policies" about the benefit of being open to shepherding:
[Peter:] "When speaking to the adults about the need to shepherd you young people, the Lord reminded us of the old saying that a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from the mistakes of others. As Mama explained in her Letter 'Serve One Another in Love,'… we are hoping that you young people will be open to the shepherding you're given and prayerfully consider it. You have a lot to gain by learning from the lessons the adults can offer, as most adults have had much more experience with these affairs of the heart, and as a result the Lord has given them a fair bit of wisdom and understanding.
"…Remember, it's not just our teens who need shepherding; you adults will need shepherding as well. Just because the Love Charter is in effect doesn't mean that shepherding is out and everyone is free to do their own thing! I don't want anyone to misunderstand and to all of a sudden think they can say 'hands off' to their Home teamworkers when they try to shepherd and counsel them. Nor do I want you teamworkers to back off from your shepherding of the sheep" (GN 649:29 and ML #2978:125b).
No one should ever feel obligated or pressured when having sexual fellowship. Don't do anything you don't want to do.
Point H of the Sex and Affection Rules in the Charter says:
"Members may only engage in sexual activities that are mutually agreed upon by both partners, and permitted for their age group. No one should force or in any way coerce a sexual partner to participate in any sexual activity that they do not desire to engage in.
"As explained earlier, sexual activities are to occur only if both parties are consenting. This clause covers any specific sexual activities which one partner may not feel comfortable engaging in. For example, if a man particularly likes having a woman perform oral sex on him, but she doesn't like it, the man should not try to badger or in any way try to coerce her to do so.
"Simply stated, people should not force or try to coerce their sexual partners to do things that they don't want to do. To do so is unloving and unkind.
"If a woman or man does not want to share sexually with someone, they should not feel pressured or coerced into doing so."
Go slow and don't put unrealistic demands on each other. Never make the person you're with feel obligated or forced to do anything! This is especially important advice for men, because they are often willing to experiment more freely and more quickly than women are.
* Stay positive, don't compare, and don't expect too much of people. Even if there's no big drama or super fireworks between you and one of your dates, the sexual fellowship you share can still be sweet and loving.
* One 22-year-old woman put it this way: "Some people just click sexually and other people don't. Everybody is different. Sometimes the sexual chemistry is there, sometimes it isn't. So it's not fair to anybody to judge who's 'good' or who's not."
* Another woman said: "Even though you don't see fireworks on a first date (or even after the first few dates), and you might feel very awkward due to nervousness, if you give it some time and experiment and communicate honestly, you can still eventually end up with a very fun, satisfying sex partner. Sometimes you just gotta keep at it!"
* "One of the most important things the Lord wants you to learn … is that you can be Jesus and His Love for the people you share with, and they can be Jesus and His Love for you. You can be a channel that the Lord can use to show your brothers or sisters how much He loves them. If you're looking at sharing in this light--that you are Jesus loving one another--then it won't matter so much if the person that you are going to share with is someone you 'click' with or is someone who is handsome or homely, beautiful or ordinary in the flesh, because it will become a matter of the Spirit. This attitude will give you a whole new outlook on the Law of Love, because you will be loving Jesus and giving His Love to another. The love, kisses and caresses you receive will be from Jesus, and this will cause you to praise and thank Him" (ML#3033:189). (See also the section "Spiritual Sex.")
* A young woman had this to say: "It'd be nice if men and women both could work on broadening their definition of the term 'date,' to mean more than just having sex together. For example: Spending time together with someone of the opposite sex, reading, taking a walk, going to a movie, eating a special dinner, going for a swim, talking together. Don't get me wrong; if I'm with a guy I'm probably going to want to have sex with him--whether we do other activities or not, ha--but it would be nice if the scale that's been way overbalanced on the one side (i.e., that date equals only sex,) could be tipped a little the other way, where the men and the women are geared to some foreplay outside the bedroom as well." (And ladies and gents, if your partner suggests an evening walk before your bedroom activities, try to respond positively. It makes for more quality sex in the long run.)
Another practice of love and good manners is thanking the mate of the married person you had a date with. And if you share regularly with that person, then try to thank his wife or her husband regularly. It helps you to continue to appreciate the sacrifice on their part, and sends the reassuring message that you receive the gift as from both of them. Like the quote says, "We give joy to the giver when we become the grateful receiver. Thus, as paradoxical as it may seem, in receiving there is giving. The noble receiver is the noble giver."
* On your first date, keep things simple. Don't feel you have to experiment with a lot of new ideas or techniques, or perform some kind of sexual acrobatics to impress your partner. Just relax, get to know each other, and enjoy yourself!
Talking Sex with Your Partner:
* Good communication is one of the most important factors in a satisfying sexual relationship.
Be honest. "It takes humility to be honest. And as I've already said, it especially takes humility to be honest about sex." (ML #1922:7b).
Dad says: "…I want you to be honest. Be yourselves, honest with the Lord, honest with others. Be open and honest and confess not only your sins and faults one toward another, but your legitimate needs! That is a little humbling. But humility is real good for your pride; it really helps blow it away and melt it. All that cold, hard ice can melt in the heat and warmth of love and honesty and humility and even sex, because it's of the Lord." (ML #1922:21).
* Someone once said, "The path to passion starts with a clear road map." If you expect your partner to just read your mind, you'll probably be disappointed.
* The more open you are about your desires, the easier it is for your partner to please you, which is, after all, what he or she wants to do.
* The Marvelous Marriage book says: "Effectiveness in conveying one's preferences and feelings about sex is the key to a good sex life. Communicating about sex means that you are revealing your most intimate personal needs, feelings, and wishes, an extremely difficult feat for most of us. But it is possible to bring up the subject and to talk about what you need from each other. Some people will be more direct and straightforward when discussing sex; others will be extremely shy or uncomfortable. The important thing to remember is that no matter what your style--direct, subtle, shy, or embarrassed--a specific conversation about your needs is essential.
"Usually in the first stage of a relationship, couples try nonverbal means of telling each other what feels good. Touching and guiding of hands, heads, and bodies is what we typically do to tell each other how we like things to go. Nonverbal methods work--up to a point--but many of us don't pick up on the clues we're given because they're not clear or specific enough. Talking, then, is still the best and most direct way of knowing for sure that his sexual needs, and yours, will be met.
"What is the best time and place to talk about sex? Many men feel that the easiest place is anywhere but bed. The timing is also important. One woman said: 'I can talk with more detachment about sex in a public place. It's also a turn-on for both of us'" (Marvellous Marriage, page 217).
* In the initial stages of a relationship, both women and men may find it difficult to discuss their intimate preferences. And even with sexual openness between partners, it often seems less intimate to interact sexually than it is to talk about it.
However, opening up the communication early in a relationship can only bring positive results. This is true regardless of whether the relationship turns out to be ongoing. If it does not progress beyond a number of dates or evenings together, at least both of you will have experienced pleasurable times together. If it does continue for months or years, you will have learned the kind of communication necessary to maintain a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
* Asking your partner directly about ways to communicate would be most comfortable as it avoids having to guess. When communication is done with caring and with the desire to better know and please one another, it is almost always well received. The more you get out of sex, the more you will desire sex, and the more active and interested you will be in the lovemaking. All of this will ultimately add to your partner's sexual enjoyment as well. A bored and frustrated sexual partner can severely dampen sexual pleasure, and anything that helps to prevent misunderstandings is bound to have a positive effect.
* Ask for specifics. Suppose you would like to do something that you haven't tried together before, but nothing, so far, has been brought up about the subject? How do you go about saying what you'd like? One woman suggests asking a man: "What do you know that I don't know?" "This," she says, "is a no-fail method, a sure way of getting him to say what he wants. You then can tell him what you want. Most men are happy to show their sexual expertise by teaching you what they think you don't know, and it also gives them the chance to explore things they may have wanted to try but have been afraid to ask."
* A lot of people find it enormously difficult to discuss sex with their partner. Maybe they're afraid of what they'll find out! "I like it when you … " is a good start to a great conversation. Being shy about divulging personal thoughts on so personal a subject is perfectly normal.
* Ah, that rare gem, a woman who knows what she wants and tells you! Input is not criticism! Women don't come with instruction manuals, so when she makes suggestions to you, don't act as though you know it already. You don't. Every woman is different. It can't be said enough! However, if being "told" to do something in bed makes you feel like less of a man, ask her to "beg" you instead. You might be pleasantly surprised. A lot of couples find this kind of role-playing extremely erotic!
* Some people--out of nervousness, shyness, embarrassment, or fear of being judged too aggressive--are reluctant to make their desires known. But there is evidence that people who communicate what they want in sex are actually more exciting to their partners. The more uninhibited you are, the more uninhibited your partner will feel he or she can be, which means you'll both have more fun!
* If you are very shy or nervous, the best thing to do is to express just that to your partner, either before your date or when you first meet. It's amazing how admitting you are very nervous can relax you more quickly than if you try to pretend you are not. Confessing your fears by committing them to the Lord together can greatly diminish the tension and put the two of you much more at ease with one another.
* How you communicate your desires can make a big difference. Talk about your sexual desires or needs or wishes in a sensitive, caring manner. Blunt instructions or too many instructions while actually making love can easily embarrass or put your partner off by making them feel like they're real clumsy and not pleasing you at all. If this happens too often, it can cause your sexual relationship to go sour, as your partner will likely get discouraged and give up.
So instead of saying, "Now touch me here, go lighter there, that's not right, move your leg, ouch, you're hurting me, you're pulling my hair, I've told you how to do that, do it like I said to...," you might try something more like: "Mmmmm, that feels so nice. Would you keep doing that and touch me here?"
* A lot can be communicated through body language. Increased breathing, sighing, moaning etc., by which your partner can tell that they're getting it right. If you can't bring yourself to say out loud that you like something, or that what your partner is doing is really turning you on, you can at least make it known through body language. Careful observation can reveal many things in lovemaking, and if you tune in to your partner, you can often tell or anticipate what he or she likes. Sometimes a certain action that they do to you, they would like you to do for them. Although it would be easier to simply say what they like, if they can't put it into words, they may drop "hints" here and there that you'll be able to pick up if you're being observant.
* If you have something to talk about that's a little complicated concerning someone's style of lovemaking--a question or a tip that can't be explained in just a few words--you might want to try discussing it when you're not actually making love. This way the person isn't put on the spot, but instead has a chance to understand and get used to what you're saying, and they don't feel embarrassed, "threatened," put on the spot, or that their performance is displeasing or unsatisfactory to you.
* Don't talk about your "complaints" to your lover immediately before, during or immediately after making love. That's when your partner is likely to feel the most vulnerable, and you may end up hurting his or her feelings. And the problem is, when someone gets hurt in this manner, it's a little hard to pull out if it.
* To introduce a little spice into your love life, try reading something sexy together--either some fitting MO Letters, the Marvelous Marriage book, or even this book. As you read, you can comment to each other about what you like, what turns you on, what you'd like to try, etc. If you're a little shy, this approach opens the door to talk about these subjects and makes it easier for you to make your needs and desires known.
* Talking isn't only mental foreplay for women, but a secret weapon you both can use all throughout your evening.
* Some say that talking is half the fun of sex. Whispering sexy comments can be a real turn-on for your partner. Don't be bashful about making some noise while making love, and don't worry that you're going to say something stupid or embarrassing! Cut loose and have fun!
* As one man put it, "Nothing arouses me more than a woman who is aggressively seductive, who tells me what she wants, says she can't wait, wants to make love now. (Then, if she's smart, she'll make me wait.) Seductive talk is best when it's prolonged. In the bedroom, don't immediately strip and dive in. Move slowly, languorously. Tantalize him. Ask him if he'd like you to slip off your sweater. Ask what he'd like to see next. Be funny, naughty, creative. When you bare your breasts, ask if he wishes he could touch them. Your nudity will excite him; your words will inflame him."
* One of the most exciting things in lovemaking is when people talk and express the tender feelings of their hearts. It can be humbling to tell your partner that he or she really turns you on, or that you are really enjoying yourself, as you don't always know if the same feelings are reciprocated in your partner. But they often are, or at least people appreciate and enjoy savoring the love part of lovemaking and communicating those tender feelings of the heart, so don't be shy or afraid to say those sweet things that the Lord puts on your heart during lovemaking. Remember, "love wasn't put in your heart to stay, love isn't love until you give it away."
It can be much easier to be verbally affectionate with your partner if you're also saying love words to the Lord while making love. (See also "Spiritual Sex.")
* After sharing intimate sexual fellowship most people are eager for a few words of praise, encouragement and acceptance, so try not to clam up after lovemaking is over. One man described his need for verbal communication after lovemaking like this: "I'm probably like most men in being boyishly eager for approval as I lie panting beside a woman, drawn and spent. This is a perfect time to sigh, whisper, trace the curve of his shoulder with your fingertips."
Be humble enough to not only thank and praise the Lord, but also your partner! We all need lots and lots of appreciation!
* A young man on the subject of verbalizing says, "If a woman whispers sexy things in your ear, there is nothing like it; things like 'you're sexy' or 'I really like how you make me feel.' Don't say anything insincere, but if there is something that you feel, by all means say it."
For most women, talking is an essential part of good lovemaking. In fact, words can be the strongest aphrodisiac of all. They're indispensable in the process of seduction and arousal, they can deepen the physical satisfaction of sex itself, and they can foster the after-sex warmth and intimacy that women long for. Given all this versatility and potential, it's amazing that verbal communication is so neglected.
* There's more to talking during sex than just words. Talking tells a woman that you're interested in her as a person, not just a vehicle for sexual fulfillment. Women want to know that men care about their feelings, their reactions, during the act of love. When you encourage a woman to express those feelings, you show that you care about her; you're not so focused on yourself and your pleasure that her reactions are unimportant.
* When saying words of love to your partner, the best thing to talk about is her, the things you like about her. Say something personal. Don't talk about what you're doing or what you're going to do. That becomes commentary. Tell her what feels good, tell her how it feels. Gently provide instructions. Always encourage never demand.
Words can make lovemaking smoother--it can help you inform each other about what gives pleasure. Some women are aroused by explicit sexual requests.--They inhibit others. You just have to test the waters.
Most of the time, you need to tell a woman what gives you pleasure, and encourage her to do the same for you. There's no reason why you should have to rely only on moans and groans. A moan can't tell you to go faster or to use a different motion, or to do the same thing a little to the left.
* "There's something very reassuring about a woman who communicates her pleasure," says one man. "It's like she's in an airport control tower and she's 'talking you in' to a smooth landing. 'I love it when you do that,' she'll say. Or, 'Don't stop.' Or, 'Kiss me there.'" (Women enjoy that open communication during lovemaking as much as men.)
* Honesty becomes absolutely imperative once you get into bed in order to ensure a good time is had by all. Be sure to frequently ask as you try different styles of foreplay or sex positions, "What do you want? Do you like this? Is this any better? How do you feel?" And there is nothing like a little opening of the heart in pillow-talk afterwards.
* Look her in the eye and tell her that you love her. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her she has a beautiful spirit. Tell her that she's tender. If she's being tender and loving you just the way you like it, tell her so! 'I just love how you're being tender. I love that, I love the way you kiss.' Use sincerity and warmth and you'll melt her.
* One woman commented, "I think it's incredibly sexy when I'm masturbating or sucking a man and he responds verbally. It gives me vicarious pleasure to know how good I'm making him feel by the words he's saying. And then when he's near orgasm, for him to beg in pleading ones, 'Oh please don't stop,' is such a turn-on."
* Says a second-generation man: "I have been in situations where we had to be quiet so as not to disturb others. But one woman I made love to would squeeze me real tight when having an orgasm, and I really liked that. She definitely expressed it when she came, although not verbally.
"A lot of us young people over the years have been accustomed to being very quiet, but I've found that it's actually kind of fun to make noise. I think it's really fun to make all the noise you want, to let your partner know that you're having a blast. Not super loud, but just to enjoy it and not to be so conservative to where it's so quiet that you wonder, 'Did anything happen?' or 'Are they feeling anything at all?'"
* To your partner, how you express yourself sexually--vocally--is important. She wants to hear how excited you are by being with her just as much as you want to hear how excited she is by being with you! Don't overlook how arousing groaning, ecstatic cries (even, sometimes, sexually explicit language) can be to your partner.
* Words are everything! If your partner has beautiful breasts or hair, tell her. It's very important to give encouragement during sex. For example: Often men's favorite sexual position is the woman on top. This is often women's least favorite! Why? Women are painfully self-conscious about their bodily imperfections. Being on top makes you feel HIGHLY VISIBLE. Most men don't realize that in the absence of any feedback, women are apt to think the worst. While you're having a great time looking at your partner, she's thinking, "I know he's looking at my stomach. Oh dear, why didn't I do those sit-ups?" or, "My breasts. There he is, looking at my breasts. I just know he's thinking they're smaller or bigger than his last girlfriend's!" That's why--if you want her to be enthusiastic about having sex in certain positions--you have to learn how to give a compliment. Fear is the greatest deterrent to sexual happiness.
A woman confirmed when she added: "By nature I'm the gushy, outgoing, talkative type. Maybe it's just me, but it's so unnerving to go through a date where the guy doesn't give you much or any feedback on if what you are doing is pleasing to him or if he is enjoying himself. When that happens, you just have to assume everything, and make guesses. Maybe he enjoyed himself, but maybe he didn't. You can never really be sure unless he expresses it verbally, and if he doesn't say much, of course, you always imagine the worst! It's a great source of worry. I suppose it works both ways, if a woman isn't giving the guy any feedback they probably feel the same way, but maybe because some women just have the tendency to take everything the wrong way, it affects them more."
* Here is more on praising our wonderful men: "Man's ego is very fragile and before, during and just after lovemaking are prime times to bolster that ego with compliments. Try to develop a sense of wonder at his personal construction. Cary Grant? No. But still uniquely beautiful in his originality. Verbalize your discoveries. Praise his sexual prowess. Even great lovers need to have their talents reaffirmed, and your man is not immune to being told how terrific he is."
* Okay, when's the last time you said "I love you?" Hmmm? Well, if you do want to express your love and appreciation for the person you're with, this is a very special opportunity to do so.-- Especially during orgasm--your partner's or yours. It's the kind of thing writers of romantic fiction love to detail in their novels. You're never more vulnerable than when you're having an orgasm with someone else, so why not go the extra mile and let your partner know how you feel?
Talking about what you would like to do to one another can act as a form of erotic stimulation. What's essential is to develop some comfortable means of communicating sexual preferences, whether it be verbal or nonverbal. At the same time, it is important to realize that the first few attempts at communication, no matter what method is used, are likely to be somewhat awkward.
* A female sex therapist relates: "Many men I've talked with have confessed that they learned to talk about sex from a female lover, and they remain indebted to her. Some of these men said that if it hadn't been for a particular woman they might never have known what a woman liked sexually. These men were often too shy or too afraid of their lover's response to ask her directly, and they appreciated her willingness to take the lead.
"Try not to let your partner's awkwardness or discomfort intimidate you. Don't give up because you feel self-conscious, just continue to experiment with different approaches. Sometimes comfort takes time to develop. The initial awkwardness is natural when trying anything new, like riding a bicycle for the first time or asking someone out for a date. With practice, things get easier, and in the end, the ongoing satisfaction is worth the initial strain and discomfort."
* Any couple's sex life can get into a rut after a period of time. Making alterations can sometimes provide a refreshing change. Just talking about sex and thinking about it at various times during the day can enhance your relationship.
Altering sexual habits in a longstanding relationship often requires considerable time and patience. Changes are unlikely to happen overnight, and they are even more unlikely to take hold after only one or two attempts. It requires constant attention to break sexual patterns that have been established over a period of years.
* ?Talking about sex intimately, openly, and honestly results in improving a couple's ability to talk about other issues more directly. Sex is one of the most personal and difficult areas to discuss. However, once progress has been made in this area, it seems that more honest, open communication takes place in less emotionally charged areas as well.
* Before confronting any embarrassment you may have about describing your particular sexual preferences, imagine how your partner could best tell you how he/she would like you to make love to them. Consider how your feelings might be hurt--anticipate ways in which your partner might tell you that could cause you to feel clumsy, inept, or inadequate. Then imagine how you could be told so that you felt loved and important. What words or phrases would encourage you to follow your partner's instructions with enthusiasm? Then use this information to open the communication lines with your partner.
See also the section "Spiritual Sex."
What Turns a Man On:
* Many men have commented that the thing that most turns them on is when the woman gets turned on.
* "Every person has something you can appreciate," says a New York professional. "Even if he's not Brad Pitt or Robert Redford, you can make him feel like a star if you tell him the ways he really is lovable. And make sure to show a great deal of affection and care. After all, aren't most people starved for affection?"
* Women can take the initiative in sex and be the sexual aggressor now and then. Men love it when a woman isn't afraid to show that she loves sex. Besides, when a man always has to be the initiator, he's always the one who has to risk rejection. He'll love a woman for being willing to put herself on the line the same way. And she'll learn why it's so important for him to have his overtures sensitively received.
Men are easily turned on by visual stimulation. They can get sexually excited at the mere sight of a physically attractive woman. Dad says: "A man can look at a beautiful woman, and just one look can so move his emotions as to affect his physical body with feelings of love and a desire for lovemaking so that it actually can make him begin to erect just through looking!--He can get an erection from a mere look without any physical contact whatsoever!" (ML #307:40)
* So, women, don't underestimate the importance of looking your best when you have intimate time with a man. This doesn't mean you have to spend lots of time getting all dolled up or dressing fancy. Preparing for your dates doesn't have to be time-consuming, but the little things you do to make yourself attractive will be very appreciated.
You can wear a little makeup and perfume and soften your skin with lotion and/or powder, if desired. Also, rather than always showing up for your fellowship time together in your jogging suit or the jeans that you've been wearing all day, try wearing something sexy or sensual. You don't have to wear lingerie or anything fancy for dates, especially if you don't happen to have that type of date-time clothing. It can be quite sexy to wear a bathrobe, a sarong draped tastefully, a silky or soft-to-touch blouse and panties, a dress with no panties, a man's long shirt and stockings, etc. Use your imagination!--And his as well!
(Men should also look attractive. Avoid wearing that baggy pair of old "holy" underwear; rather, wear your bathrobe, silk boxer shorts, or simply a nice towel. Some women really like a man in a nice pair of jeans with a button-down shirt on unbuttoned, or no shirt at all.) Man or woman, whatever you decide to wear, try to look your best for your partner. Your partner will appreciate the effort you make to be clean and attractive.
* Many men do enjoy seeing a woman in a filmy sexy negligee. These little outfits can often accentuate your strong points. Taking something like this off slowly, revealing your body one part at a time can be a real turn-on. Even making love with them still partially on can be real fun. Some men like total nudity, others don't and then again probably most like variety.
Here is some counsel from Dad on the look that will drive your man wild: "Don't show him everything all at once, girls! Partial and frequently varied revelations are apt to hold his interest and curiosity longer than all that naked and unvarnished truth staring him constantly in the face! This is the whole principle of the time-honored profession of strip-teasing--how to prolong the agony and the ecstasy by the excitingly slow and tantalizingly teasing graceful and gradual disrobing of the female form!
"A graceful drape through which the nipples are obviously protruding…is often even more beautiful and provocative than just plain nakedness!
"Long straight hair hanging naturally down a woman's back or falling gracefully over her shoulders is not only extremely beautiful but terribly exciting, even sexy and provocative! There's just something about letting your hair down that really does it and turns us on! It's just like the rest of the way God made you: It's absolutely glorious!" (ML #250:4;1012:3;250:10)
For more of Dad's excellent tips on this subject, please see "Revolutionary Women," ML 250.
* Men often enjoy your long hair down during the date, but you could wear it up in a pretty hairdo when you first come for your date. Some men quite enjoy seeing you let your hair down in a tantalizing way, especially if you let it run softly across their bodies.
* Remember, ladies, your partner is turned on by what he sees. So try to have some light in the room, such as candlelight, moonlight or a dim night light. Allowing his eyes to roam all over your body might be the single most passionate gesture you can make. So for both your sakes, "let there be light"!
A young man confirms this by saying: "If you ever wonder why it seems that a man's piece of 'machinery' is only running at half capacity maybe it's because a good part of the input system is not running, his eyes! You don't have to be under a spotlight, but a little light to cast a soft glow across your warm body creates a silhouette that makes erotic images dance in his mind, as he wonders who this sexy woman is!"
* One young man in his early twenties had this to offer: "Sometimes people have a stigma that guys are just in it for the sex. In a lot of cases it's true--we do need sex! But oftentimes sex can be more than that; it can be a time of real communication. For me, the most exciting thing about a woman is her mind. It's fun to fool around and do all this other stuff as well, but it's really the mind that makes the connection."
* Women, concentrate on your man! Observe his responses very carefully so you can give him even more of what he really likes. Every man has his own personal hot spots and turn-ons. Find out what his are and play on them. Learn to read his pleasure barometer so you'll know what to do more of. Your man may pant when he becomes very excited. His stomach muscles may become tighter, his testicles harder, or his nipples more pronounced. Maybe he moans and groans, or shudders.
Get to know your man's personal preferences so you can play him like a finely tuned instrument. The music you make will give both of you extraordinary pleasure. And the more you give, the more you'll get.
* A woman expressively expounds upon the joy a woman can experience, giving her all to a man in bed: "We can't be so busy in bed getting 'satisfied' that we forget our responsibilities as women. Remember that there are two in that bed and it's just as important to give the man a wonderful experience sexually as it is to receive it. Pin up on your bed, your mirror, your wall, a sign, lady, until you know it in every part of your being: We were designed to delight, excite and satisfy the male of the species. Real women know this.
"When you are able to joyfully and tenderly offer up every square inch of yourself for him to feast upon and when you are able to use sweetly your erotically skilled body as a sensual instrument to satiate his appetite, then you will find that you will receive a piercingly beautiful pleasure in return. For he will be unable to help rising to the occasion and matching your complete sensuality. No one has more to gain from giving than a woman. Giving can carry you to paradise. A 'gimme, gimmie' attitude in bed can win you mediocre sex or worse--no sex at all. He's quite likely to find a more responsive partner."
* Do unto him what he does unto you. Make mental notes of the special places that he touches you and the way he does it; then later do the same to him. If he plants light butterfly kisses on your eyelids, you could do the same for him. If he twirls your nipples slowly between thumb and forefinger, he could be signaling that he has sensitive nipples himself and would welcome your reciprocal nipple massage. Without realizing it, your man could be telling you what he likes in bed by doing it to you first; it's a subconscious urge we all have. And you can use it to give him pleasure.
* An author gives the women some further tips on touching: "Oh those lovely hands of yours. How they can excite. Never, never let your hands be idle during lovemaking. There is always some area of his body you can reach to set on fire with your touch. Exploring every part of his body with loving hands will increase your sense of intimacy. Memorize all the variations of skin texture, from the roughness of his legs to the miraculously velvety feel of the head of the penis. There is so much of him to discover. After a while you should be able to pick out a man blindfolded by using your tactile memory. If you've been sitting on your hands, get up off your pretty behind and start giving them a workout. Your hands are important lovemaking instruments and, used artistically, they are a unique sexual signature."
* A man shares: "I agree that it's important to communicate about what you want, but it's nice after you've been having sex with someone for a while to not always have to tell her what to do. It's fun and exciting for me when the woman I'm with is creative.
"I think one account in the Marvelous Marriage says it all, there's one man, a 6' 2" engineer, who says that sometimes after a busy day he just likes to be 'taken care of'! It's true!--To be pleasantly surprised like that is a real turn-on. Of course that works best if you know your partner well."
* Men's inner worlds are based upon what they see, while women organize their thoughts more upon what they hear. In other words, men are visual and women are auditory. Men also--like women--want to know they are approved of and loved, they just need to "hear" this love and approval in their language of action.
What Turns a Woman On:
* Women are turned on more psychologically, romantically or emotionally. While men are more visually oriented, women are more verbally oriented.
Dad says: "Some say it's 90 percent psychological: You gotta talk 'em into it, woo them into it, inspire them into it, thrill them spiritually into it, excite them with words, music, flowers, or perfume!
"Lovemaking is hypnotic, wooing is all a part of that process of romantic hypnosis. It's partly physiological; your body chemistry gets in the mood. But it's definitely largely psychological, because your mind and spirit sort of get in the mood too. And there's got to be something of the spirit about the eyes in wooing.
"Young men, one look and bloop!--He's ready to hop on!--Whereas she hasn't even begun to get ready yet! You've got to love and kiss her all over and love her and caress her and stroke her and squeeze her!
"It's like getting the girl ready to receive it. You pet her and you stroke her and you caress her and you love her and you kiss her and you suck her breasts and you do all these things that really get her in the mood till she's just gotta have it!--Amen?" (ML #154:73; 304:31; 2320:11,16).
* A woman of 23 explained it poetically: "The dictionary definition of foreplay is: 'Sexual stimulation intended as a prelude to sexual intercourse.' My definition of foreplay is this: looking, loving, talking, hugging, squeezing, whispering, kissing, teasing, touching, tickling, smelling, roaming, craving, mumbling, moaning, groaning, wooing, winning, giving, holding, laughing, giggling, wiggling, nibbling, lingering, gentling, licking, sucking, fondling, rubbing, playing, and most of all enjoying."
* The difference in that men are stimulated largely visually and woman psychologically might account for the reason why many men can be ready to get into intense lovemaking almost right away, whereas women take a while to "get in the mood."
Marvelous Marriage says: "A man is like an electric light bulb--you flip a switch and on he goes. A woman is more like an electric iron--you flip a switch and it takes a little time to warm up. When you turn it off, it takes a bit of time to cool off too." (From "Sexual Differences" page 264.)
For this reason, it's nice to have a little bit of a romantic atmosphere if possible when having sexual fellowship.--Maybe a little candlelight or dim lighting, some soft music and a little wine. Use lots of tender caresses, sweet compliments and heart-to-heart conversation. And be sure to go slow!
A woman offers her opinion on the other side of the coin: "I know some who prefer the passionate and intense approach as opposed to the slow one. It's a real turn-on for me when the man knows what he wants and goes for it, sweeping you up in his passion, rather than him going so slowly and carefully, always waiting for you to initiate the next step. Women, too, are attracted by confidence and men who are not afraid of touching them."
* Another woman gives some tips on the tricky balance of knowing when to speed up and when to slow down: "One way to go slow and still make sure things don't get too drawn out, is to 'check in' with each other to see how things are progressing. Or be sensitive to little hints she may drop that indicate it's time to move along. The key is to communicate, since the guy may not know exactly what the woman prefers or doesn't prefer. So if the lovemaking is going too slow, rather than grin and bear it, ladies, please speak up in a sweet and loving way that lets the man know what you like or want."
* Being unified in heart, mind and spirit is very important. In fact, most women find it hard to feel sexually aroused when they are not emotionally at ease.
Remember, "To get real love, a woman must be wooed, not forced." (ML #335A:12)
* This is how a woman in her early twenties put it: "I guess in general you're more inspired to have dates with the guys who are gentlemen on a daily basis. That's just the way they are. They're polite, considerate and courteous. And they're not partially courteous; they're not courteous to you because they're hoping for a Saturday night date, or just because they like you, but they'll do the same thing for any woman because that's the way they are. They're just gentlemen and that speaks loud and clear. You're much more inclined to have a date with a guy like that; you'll sometimes even start thinking about it before he does. Being gentle and considerate is very attractive."
* Wooing is not just five minutes before you go to bed. Wooing is an attitude of spirit. It's something that you're doing all the time, and not just for sex. Instead of saying, "Okay, I'm going to be real nice to this woman for sex," what you need to say is, "I'm going to be nice to people in general." We men need to have a gentlemanly spirit and ask the Lord to help us to be that way: kinder, more considerate, more tender, and more loving.
* Another thing to remember is that in sex, quantity is usually more important to men, but quality is usually more important to women. Men are much more genitally oriented than women. Lovemaking for a woman is more hugging and cuddling, kissing, caressing and stroking all parts of the body.
* I think most women crave slow stimulation. Seduction is not the same thing as arousal. Seduction needs to begin hours before arousal. Sex is very closely linked with the mind for women. It's more of a physical thing for men. Women are stimulated more by touch and romantic words. To women, sex doesn't begin in the bedroom. It begins in the living room. Women see sex beginning as a tender touch, continued with affectionate words and then later climaxing in intercourse.
* A married woman in her twenties gives this tip to the men: "Compliments don't have to be physical or sexual. That's nice if that's how you're feeling. But there are other kinds of compliments that you can give that will touch a woman's heart, like qualities or attributes or talents or gifts that she has; something that does really touch your heart about her or a gift she has that impresses you. Anything that's said sincerely, I guarantee it will touch a woman's heart and eventually affect her in the bed. Even if what you said didn't have anything to do with sex; if it's genuine and loving, it really makes a difference."
* Few women say, "Well, the thing that I really look forward to is the size of the guy's penis or the positions he can use and how aggressive he is." Those aren't the things that turn the women on. Instead, it's quality. But it's not just quality of sex, it's quality of spirit.
* Many women say that a quality they'd like to see more of in their partners is "passion." "Imagination" is another one. Passion is the key to everything. Whether it's passion about your work, passion about being a good father - whatever. Here are some secrets to being passionate:
#1: Passionate men aren't afraid to make noise during sex. Passionate men make love like they've got one day to live and they take no prisoners. Passion is not necessarily tender. Sometimes it's strong, masculine and always exciting! Passion (the first of two great sexual secrets) is contagious and completely uninhibited. Webster's defines the verb "ravish" as "to transport with joy or ecstasy," and the adjective "ravishing" as "delightful; entrancing."
#2: Ravish is a close cousin to passion. It is women's number one sexual fantasy. Ravish, in this context, has nothing to do with rape. Rape is nonconsensual sex. Rape is when you persist after she says no. Ravish is when you look at your wife of fifteen years and are seized with a sudden voracious hunger for her. Ravish is when you are so overcome by her beauty and desirability you can't help it, you tackle her right there on the living room carpet and have unspeakably wonderful sex. Women's romance novels are full of ravish. With ravish there's an unspoken surrender on her part and wild-eyed desire on yours. With ravish you get rumpled clothes and a death-defying heartbeat. Ravish isn't pink, it's scarlet and black and electric blue.
* A woman offers the following definition: "Passion to me is when it seems like it's the most important thing to the guy at the moment, with all his mind and soul, to feel and touch my body with firm loving hands, holding me tight and pressing our bodies together. His mind and actions are totally focused on physical interaction, and I know he's not going to let me go anywhere!"
* There are really two things that have to happen before a woman is ready to make love. First, she has to want it. Her mind has to be made ready for it, willing to accept it, emotionally eager for it. That part is what would be called "seduction," and usually happens out of bed. The second part, maybe the easier part, is physical. She has to be "primed" to make love. Her body has to be ready for it, aching for it. That is what could be called "arousal," and usually happens in bed.
I don't think the labels matter. What does matter is that helping a woman reach the stage where she is ready for lovemaking requires attention to both her emotional and her physical needs.
Don't lose heart, men, if women sound a little complicated. Another woman adds: "Of course affection during the day and loving words and compliments certainly help add that spark when you're in bed, but for me, even just the fact that I'm desired in a sexual way can be a turn-on emotionally and physically, and is one of the greatest compliments to me as a woman."
For more on what turns a woman on [and off], see Marvelous Marriage, page 492 and 493, subtitles: "Prepare, prepare, prepare" and "Try it, you'll like it," as well as excerpts on pages 357-359.
Everyone Is Different:
* Take time to get to know the person you're with and what they like and don't like. Even if you have had lots of experience and you think you really "know what you're doing" in sex, you've got to remember that everyone is different.
Dad says: "Like happiness, lovemaking is a lot of different things to a lot of different people, and the same thing doesn't necessarily work on everybody! It takes variety--the spice of life! You've got to be honest and open with each other! Talk, converse, communicate, ask questions, give answers! Different women are pleased in different ways! Some like it one way, some another! Find out what she likes, and give it to her! Find out what he likes, and sock it to him! It's just as simple as that!" (ML #154:73).
* You also shouldn't expect every date with every person you spend time with to be "fireworks." Sometimes you really hit it off with someone and you have an exceptionally fun, sexy and fulfilling time together. On the other hand, your time with someone else might seem, by comparison, rather "ordinary," and you might be tempted to feel somewhat disappointed if your expectations are too high.
Even if you do "hit it off" with someone, don't expect every date you have with them to reach the same level of passion and excitement. It's better not to go into a date with a lot of high expectations of what it's going to be like. You could be setting yourself up for disappointment if you do.
* Broaden your expectations. I know of many people who hardly ever get a date because they are waiting for the movie ideal to walk into their life. People can come in all sorts of packages and still be sexy and lovable. Review all of your judgments of "I could never have a date with a person who...." You could be limiting your choices too severely. Broadening your expectations also means freeing yourself from roles. Don't expect your lover to behave in certain ways because of their gender or ministry. I know of men who really appreciate it when a woman takes them out for dinner and alternatively women who appreciate having a meal cooked for them. In freeing yourself from judgments and expectations, you open yourself to enjoying the new and unexpected aspects of your lover, thus broadening yourself.
* ?A woman adds: "When asked by my partner 'What do you like?'--well, we all know it's good to be honest, and I'm all for honesty, but on the other side of the coin, for me personally I sometimes am reluctant to answer this question because I don't like to be put in a box! I find it's fun to leave myself open. (Ha! No pun intended!) So it's good to avoid getting in a rut, going down your 'list' of do's and don'ts and thereby 'locking yourself in' to a certain set pattern. I find sometimes what I like with one person, I might not enjoy as well with another! One guy might kiss my breasts great, while with another--maybe that's just not his forte and I enjoy something else he does more.
So the point is: It's nice not to get stuck in a certain mindset of what you like and don't like; maybe you don't like it cause you only tried it with one person! Keep experimenting and try new things with different people."
Our Imperfect Bodies:
* It's comforting to realize that men don't expect women to have flawless bodies. Women sometimes expect too much of themselves or have unrealistic ideas about what their bodies should look like, based on the very unrealistic images and standards that are thrust upon us in movies, advertisements, etc. Worrying about what she considers are "flaws" in her body can be a big distraction for a woman. If she's concerned about what in her opinion are little breasts, hips and thighs that are too big, stretch marks, being too fat or too skinny, etc. this can really get her mind off the fun!
You know your bodies, women, and you may want to learn what to undress under brighter lights and what to keep for later, or even what to keep on while making love. You can learn to emphasize the positive and de-emphasize the less positive. Of course, if you don't have a picture-perfect body and yet are comfortable with your body in any light and state of dress or undress, all the more fun and enjoyment for you! Men have described that some of the sexiest women they know are those who have confidence.
This is why, men, reassurance, compliments and genuine appreciation of her natural beauty is a great boost for any woman and can do wonders to help her relax and feel more appreciated, much freer and less inhibited.
On the other hand, women, learn to take a compliment, as men do get quite turned on when in the presence of a woman and some may see beauty that you may not quite see. It can be a little disarming and offensive for a man to have some of his sincere compliments met with "Oh, come on, that is ridiculous…" or "That's not true, I wouldn't call my breasts beautiful…". Remember Don Quixote and Dulcinea!--Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So don't contradict him. Be thankful for his appreciation.
* Some people worry that they might not adequately satisfy their partner due to what they consider deficiencies in their physical makeup, such as small breasts or a small penis. The size of breasts or penis are relatively unimportant, and neither being well-endowed or on the smaller side is a guarantee of either "success" or "failure." It has been said that our most effective "sex organs" are not our genitals but our fingertips.
A man in his twenties confirmed this by saying: "Let your fingers do the talking! That's one of my favorite parts on a woman; you can tell a lot about a woman's response by her hands and fingers--the way that she 'talks' with her hands."
* It's better not to comment much on the parts of your partner's body, unless you have something positive to say. When you're in bed with someone is definitely not the time to ask if they've gained weight recently, or what kind of exercises or get-out have they been (or have not been) doing lately. When someone is naked, they already feel like they are on "show" and an innocent comment or one made in jest can be taken quite seriously and be a real turn-off.
* The unimportance of the size of the penis is a point that's worth repeating, because many men have the mistaken idea that the larger the penis is, the better or more exciting or more fulfilling the lovemaking is for the woman. It does not usually make much difference to a woman if a man's penis is considerably smaller or larger than average.
A woman's vagina adapts to whatever size the penis is, so there usually isn't that much difference in the satisfaction for her whether the penis is small, average or large. If desired, a couple can vary the positions used during lovemaking to either give more or less penetration, depending on the size of the penis. For example, some women feel more penetration when sitting on top of the man, or if the man comes on top of her from the back, or from the side from the back. Try what fits best for you and your partner.
The point is that a lot of women don't come during intercourse anyway, so the size of your penis doesn't matter so much as your ability to use your hands and your tongue. It's like the saying goes, "It's not the size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean that counts!"
* An author and sex therapist advises: "Feel sexy and you will be sexy. No kidding. Try it and see. Many great philosophers have said that you are what you think you are. And it certainly holds true for sexiness. Even if you're not gorgeous, or slender, or voluptuous--even if you're not feeling particularly sexy at the moment--just conjure up your own sexy self-image. Pretty soon you'll feel sexy and therefore be sexy. Send out warm, sensuous vibes a man can't help but pick up and he won't even realize you're a little too short or too broad or too fat or too skinny; he'll see you as his own personal sexy goddess. And in your sexy mood you'll just naturally do and say wonderful sexy things. Your touch will be electric. Just the way you glance at his buns will make his temperature--and other things--rise. Great sex does not begin with your body. Great sex begins in your head!"
* One of the greatest turn-ons for a man is to see how very much he's exciting you; he wants to know that his lovemaking is driving you wild in bed. The only way to arrange it so he stimulates you, and therefore himself, to the max, is for you to know beforehand where all your sexual switches are and how they are turned on. If you aren't already familiar with your own body, take the time to start getting acquainted right now.
Remove your clothes and rub your hand over your silky skin. Blow on it. Rub a rough cloth against it. Tickle yourself with a feather. Massage, knead and caress yourself all over. Cover every inch. Find out what feels best, most relaxing, most exciting.
True beauty and sex appeal in a woman is more than a voluptuous body or gorgeous appearance. Take it from Dad: "We have got the most wonderful, beautiful, sexiest, lovingest girls in the whole world! They're full of fire and spirit and they have what really counts, the real sex, and that's the sex of the Spirit, praise God!--The loving Spirit of the Lord that really turns you on!--That look of love that really lights your fire! Praise God! Their hands are good too, everything else works fine, but there's just something about those looks and those eyes and those sweet faces and that wonderful spirit that's shining through that you just know they love you. And it's that kind of real love that turns you on!
"Our girls have Jesus. They have the Spirit, and that makes them want to love and do things for others. Our girls are the sweetest, happiest, most beautiful in the world! They exude love and sex just the way God intended for them to do! They are the love of God!" (ML #2399:65; 1026).
Even the boldest of people sometimes have a hard time discussing issues of sex before having a date with someone. Yet there are a few essential points that need to be communicated if you want quality time together. Asking and answering these questions shows consideration for the other person as well.
* A young woman says: "Something I'll often do is just talk to the guy in general about sex either personally or in a group, and find out his stance on the Go for the Gold issue and so on and it can be helpful. If there's someone that you could see yourself having a date with, but it hasn't happened yet, you can always discuss sex in general as part of a conversation--a very interesting one at that--and if you're candid enough you can, in a very detached way, find out things about the person, and tell him things about you, so that you are informed when or if you have a date with him at a later time. Some might prefer this approach."
* Another young woman adds: "Sometimes I go into a first date with the understanding that it's more of a 'get to know you' date, because it's easier for me to talk about sex when I'm already in a kind of intimate setting. Then the next time around, not only have we let each other know what our thing is regarding Go for the Gold, but we've already broken the ice with physical intimacy, cuddling, kissing, probably even being naked together but not going all the way."
The Bare Essentials:
You most likely know if your partner has had sex before; but if not, ask! And here are a few other key questions that are necessary to discuss before having sex!
What's your personal decision regarding "Go for the Gold"? Shall we go all the way or not? Do we want to have intercourse and take the chance of a pregnancy resulting? If you do want to go all the way, have you prayed and heard from the Lord about it? If you think you want to go all the way, do you have faith to get pregnant? What would your feeling be about going all the way if I told you that I don't feel ready for or have a desire to get married should a baby result? (Reread the "Responsibility" section if you're not confident about your answers to these questions.)
With your personal decision regarding "Go for the Gold" in mind, what would we feel comfortable doing on this date? (Or what are we not going to do?)
Also, if the person you are sharing with is married, find out what kind of agreement he or she has come to with his or her mate regarding what you'll do on your date. (See "Go for the Gold," ML #2961:160,323,324 or "Mama's Memos--No.4," ML #3138:23,24,54.)
* Don't forget that people change. So continue to communicate!
Making Yourself Sexually Attractive:
* Cleanliness when having sexual fellowship is important! If you are met with resistance to your sexual overtures, you may want to check that your cleanliness habits are up to par.
* A woman says: "When a man is generally clean, that is fifty percent of sex appeal. You know he's just showered and he smells good, has clean hair, clean teeth.--Not only just before a date or during the date, but in general he's a clean guy."
* A man says: "Just like women are stimulated by smell, touch, nice-smelling breath and all of that, men are the same. Of course, it almost goes without saying that you want your partner to have freshly showered."
* It's also nice to have clean hair when you're going to be close to someone. Oily, smelly hair is not very pleasant to run your fingers through. Dad taught the women in his Home to put a little perfume or cologne on their hair. That is something you can do so that you don't have to wash your hair before every date, since it can be a bigger deal for some women to wash and dry their hair.
* Advice from a woman: "Be sure to shower or wash up and be 'squeaky clean' when you plan to spend time with someone. Shower shortly before your date if possible. The shower you had that morning won't do much good if you have put in a full day's work since then.
"If you're not able to bathe or shower right before your date, you can at least freshen up by having a sponge bath and a 'bottom wash.' The British call this a 'top-and-tail,' when you wash under the arms and the entire bottom area with soap and water. To do this, women can sit on a toilet or bidet, and pour fresh water over their bottom area, and men can use the bidet or stand at the bathroom sink and wash up.
"Good wash-ups can be achieved with the use of a soapy washcloth that will actually 'scrub' the skin very clean. Using soap and water is usually sufficient for most parts of the body, but for areas where perspiration and body odor are more persistent, it is important to use a little extra scrub.
"The man should wash his upper legs, penis, hair, scrotum area, etc., right before lovemaking, so that it is sweet smelling, fresh and clean. Putting a bit of cologne around the scrotum area or on either side of the man's genitals can make it even more desirable and sensuous for the woman to kiss."
* Men who are uncircumcised should pull their foreskin back and wash the crown of the penis thoroughly.
"Women should wash their whole genital area well, including inside the inner and outer lips of the vagina. Be careful to avoid getting soap on the delicate mucous membrane areas of the inner lips, as that can be very irritating; fresh water will do for that part of the body. Also, be sure to completely rinse all the soap off.
"If you want to freshen up the inside of your vagina, you can use plain water or water with a little vinegar. But you should not do this too frequently as such douching can upset the delicate flora of the vagina. Don't use soap inside your vagina; it can throw off the natural balance that helps keep you healthy down there."
* Having a bubble bath or shower together is not only sexy, but ensures you both get nice and clean as you soap each other up. Added candlelight and soft music, maybe with a glass of wine, will add even more atmosphere!
* Cologne is attractive and sexy. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or expensive. (It's interesting to note that one of the first ways a woman is stimulated sexually is via her sense of smell. On the other hand, body odors can easily turn her off.)
Get the most from your cologne by putting it on the body's "smell points," where the blood runs closest to the skin--behind your earlobes, on your neck, wrists and inside your elbows. You may also want to use a little where you know your partner may find interest in loving you, such as near the breasts, around the shoulders and the abdomen or around the genital hair line.
Dad said that the place he appreciated women's cologne the most was on their forehead and hair, because when he held them in his arms those were the places he was the closest to. This is especially helpful, ladies, if you've been cooking or in smoky public places, as your hair can pick up all kinds of smells.
Men, it's also recommended that you put cologne in your hair, and in your beard if you have one.
* A man says: "Usually women have one special perfume and that's nice, because you know their perfume; but it's also nice to vary it if you have regular dates with a person. Then your perfume can set the mood. For example, musk is hot and sexy, floral is cool, etc."
* A man comments: "I really like perfume on women, of course; I'm sure all guys do, but I don't like too much. I really like kissing the woman's neck, but sometimes there's too much perfume on her neck and it tastes bad. So a little tip is to put cologne on lightly."
* Also if you find out your partner doesn't care for a particular cologne or perfume for some reason, you should try not to wear it on your date. In some cases a particular perfume might bring up negative memories for your partner, or it might be too strong and cause an unpleasant physical reaction such as a headache.
(Naturally, if you don't already know what your partner likes, how are you going to find out unless you ask, which you should do. Of course, you can't be sensitive, but wouldn't you rather be a little hurt by asking him and finding out he doesn't like your perfume rather than risk going merrily along, not realizing that your "fragrance" is not what he prefers? And men, be honest, but try to be sweet about it.)
* Be sure to brush your teeth well right before a date to avoid bad breath and to be more "kissable." You can also use mouthwash, if available. Also brush your tongue; germs that cause bad breath are found on the tongue.
* You might want to avoid eating raw onions or garlic when you plan to be with someone later, especially if you know your partner doesn't like the after-effects on your breath. (Some people don't mind.) However, if both people eat onions or garlic, then it usually is not too noticeable to each other. Chronic bad breath may be the result of gum problems or indigestion.
* Men should be clean shaven--which means it's nice if you shave right before a date. It's uncomfortable and a turn-off for a woman if her face or breasts are irritated by scratchy whiskers.
* If a man has a beard, he should still be sure to shave the areas that can be prickly, such as the neck and below the cheekbones. Mustaches should be well trimmed. It can be unpleasant for a woman when a man's mustache is so long it covers his upper lip and goes in her mouth when they're kissing.
* Like beard stubble, rough and callused hands can make foreplay unpleasant. Your hands are important tools in sexual stimulation, and it is not at all unmasculine to keep them soft for her with regular use of a good hand lotion. While you're at it, check those fingernails. Keeping them trimmed and clean is essential for the intimate moments.
* Take a few minutes regularly to keep fingernails well manicured. This goes for the men too--please keep your fingernails trimmed and clean. Fingernails that are rough or long can irritate a woman's genital area. By the same token, if a woman's fingernails are too long they can be quite hurtful to a man's genital area. If in doubt, ask your partner!
Also, please keep your feet and toenails clean. Dirty feet and grungy toenails are a turn-off, as they can give the impression of an overall lack of cleanliness.
* Women, keeping your genital hair trimmed is more hygienic, especially in hot weather. Also, trimming it nice and short makes it more attractive for some men. Many men are excited by the sight of your genital area--the shape, the lips, etc. You can easily trim the hair using normal scissors and a comb. To do this you simply run the comb through the hair, and while keeping the comb flat against the skin, you cut off the hair that is sticking out of the comb. Using a comb in this manner protects you from accidentally nicking your skin, because the comb is kept between your skin and the scissors.
You can cut most of your genital hair as short as a quarter of an inch. But don't clip the hair that's right around your clitoris or your vaginal lips too short or you may find that your clothes will irritate you and cause your clitoris to get sore. You may want to leave the hair in that area at least a half an inch long. Instead of using a comb with the scissors around your clitoris and lip area, use your fingers. Simply hold the hair between your index and third fingers and then cut whatever hair is sticking out.
If you wish, you can also shave the outside edges of your genital hair; what is sometimes referred to as the "bikini line." In other words, you can shave the hair on the outer edges on each side of your triangle of hair--which makes the overall area that's covered by hair smaller. If you choose to shave, it's important to only move the razor in the direction that the hair grows. Don't shave against the grain of the hair, because, while this will give you a closer shave, it might also cause ingrown hairs, little pimples or a rash to develop, which doesn't look or feel very nice. Applying a little powder or inexpensive cologne to your bikini line afterward leaves it dry and comfortable with less chance of rash or friction. (You don't need to shave or trim your genital hair before each date; only as often as is needed.)
* A charming Midwestern mother of five teenagers had the following point of view: "Whenever possible I try to sustain an element of mystery and privacy about my body. This isn't prudery on my part, but a feeling that my husband keeps a more romanticised image of me if he isn't a regular observer of my toilet habits and more elementary hygiene measures. I never leave stained Kotex around for him to see or smell; I don't remove my makeup in his presence--or put it on--and I don't go to bed with my hair in rollers and cold cream on my face. I also like to dress separately when we are going out for a big evening so that his first glimpse of me is special. I think men are eager to admire the finished creation but don't relish witnessing the collecting of the ingredients and unglamorous assembly job ... at least my husband feels that way. He loves to see me undress sometimes and I like to do that for him then, but mostly I dress and undress in my own little dressing room off our bedroom ... which used to be a hall closet. I get a great deal of satisfaction out of the knowledge that my husband still feels I'm glamorous." (From "Total Loving" page 421, Marvellous Marriage.)
* The longer people are in a relationship, the more apt they are to forget about shaving, washing, and brushing their teeth. But try to stay conscientious even in your comfortable relationships, because those little things make a big difference--especially to women who have a very keen sense of smell.
Setting the Stage:
* It's nice if the room you spend time together in is neat and tidy, not too dark, and kept at a comfortable temperature.
* If you live in a cooler (or very cold!) climate, plan ahead and have the room where you're going to spend time together warm, if possible. It's been scientifically proven that it's more difficult for a woman to become sexually aroused when she's cold. "The almost unanimous consensus among women is that in sex, they can't stand cold."
"If a woman says, 'It's cold in here,' and the macho lover replies, 'Don't worry, baby, I'll make you hot,' he doesn't know that the chill can keep 'baby' from becoming sexually hot, because women's bodies contract when they are cold and they secrete sexual fluids more easily when they are warm."
* Don't underestimate the power of music. Soft romantic music can be a very quick way to arouse desire. (Whether you prefer instrumental or vocals, classical or contemporary music, be sure to check the tastes of your partner, as some find certain kinds of music quite distracting.) Incidentally, music that is too loud can be very distracting, and can even prevent some women from being able to climax.
* Much has been written on creating the right mood for lovemaking. Cliché though they may seem, four favorites are:
* Although caring and confiding are more important in making love than champagne dinners, there are times when your man or woman wants to be treated specially. It's at times like these that ambiance* can truly enhance the act of lovemaking. These are the times to really roll out the red carpet, put flowers around, light as many candles as you can find, put on some soft music, and, as a friend of mine puts it, "make like a wine commercial." *(Ambiance: The special atmosphere or mood created by a particular environment.)
* You might also want to ask your partner if they'd like to do anything together beforehand, like take a walk, play a game, go out for an ice-cream, watch a movie, see the sunset. (Men, although of course you won't always be able to do something together before your intimate fellowship, try to have something planned once in awhile to surprise her, as it's unlikely she'll push for it herself when you ask this question. Remember "What Turns a Woman On." The definition of "date" is not just sex.)
Breaking the Ice:
* Here are just a few tips on ways to break the ice and get from that awkward first greeting to the fun stuff.
* If you sit and converse a little before getting intimate, try to sit fairly close to one another, as distance can be a hindrance to good communication, and even a turn-off to some.
Start your time together with prayer. Invite the Lord to join you. "Where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20)
* Some slow, romantic dancing together is a fun and relaxing way to start your dates. It's a very natural way to talk and lends itself to easily start touching, kissing, etc.
The same can be said for massage. Giving your partner a short massage can easily open the door for touching, especially if you're having a hard time wondering how to stop talking and start touching. Sensual massage doesn't need to be a very strenuous, tiring affair--gentle relaxing touching in massage will work wonders. But no tickling, please; it's a distraction rather than a sexual turn-on.
For more details on massage, see "Heavenly Helpers" Volume 4, page 405.
It's very important to learn how to touch each other. Touch the whole body--don't just zero in on the genitals or breasts. Touch lovingly, slowly, tenderly, gently, playfully. Extending the nongenital-touching part of foreplay can be highly stimulating.
Dad says: "Lying together in each other's arms so lovingly while praying seems to be conducive to sex! You get in the spirit by praying, so try it! Try lying in each other's arms in bed, petting each other while you pray. It's really really conducive to the spirit and sex!" (ML #1456:29).
Mama has said, "Making love is just another part of our lives, and whether therefore we eat or drink or whatsoever we do, we should do it all to the glory of God. Thankfulness to the Lord for His blessings, creations and pleasures should be in our minds and our thoughts, even during that time." (FSM 108, page 3)
You will find that as you learn to pray more with your partner, it will become part of "the act." Making a habit of including the Lord in your lovemaking becomes so inspiring and uplifting that you may find yourself wanting to pray not only when you first meet, but also at different times--such as when you are in each other's arms, when you are about to climax, or when you have both climaxed, etc. Of course, this is especially true now that through the Loving Jesus revelation we know more specifically how to bring the Lord into our lovemaking by saying intimate love words to Him! (See also the section "Spiritual Sex.")
* We've all heard about aphrodisiacs. Fun stuff--but fairy tales. To get into a woman's bed, first you have to get into a woman's head. This is about foreplay before foreplay. Research indicates that many women who are orgasmic are women who think sexy stuff before they have sex. Stimulating a woman's sexual imagination can be just as important as stimulating anything else.
* Talking does wonders in putting a woman at ease in the bedroom.--And not necessarily talking about sex. Talk about mutual interests, or something interesting that you read recently, or tell a funny story about your childhood, or tell the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you. Or you can just lie together for a while, listening to a relaxing tape, praying and praising the Lord.
* A woman in her mid-twenties says: "I think that humor is one of the most relaxing, and stimulating things while having sex. For me, a nice glass of wine, and just laughing and talking and having fun is such an enjoyable part of sex. I like it when I can laugh and joke, tell funny stories or even be a little foolish. Laughter and humor break the nervous jitters and somehow lend themselves so easily to sex. I don't know why, but it just somehow works."
* "Talk isn't just talk," says one woman passionately, "Talking is a lubricant."
Treating him like a gentleman or her like a lady is marvelous mental foreplay.
Talking to the Lord together can be mental foreplay as well. Try each taking a turn thanking the Lord for this opportunity to spend time together. This will help you to respect each other more, and as a result have more quality in your interaction. (See also the section "Spiritual Sex.")
* Nonsexual touching as you talk is also mental foreplay for the woman. She's coming to know you as a person, getting used to the feel of your arms about her as you lie together on the bed, or the sensitivity of your hands as you hand her a glass of wine. And if she already knows you, talking and touching helps her to relax and get her mind off the events and problems of the day. And that is worthwhile foreplay.
* Be free with your compliments too. If your partner smells nice, say so. If they've been especially considerate with the setup of the room, express appreciation. Your attention to details speaks volumes; it shows that you are not one-track minded, with just one three-letter word flashing in your brain, but that you are interested in them as an individual, and in making the occasion pleasant and memorable.
* Just looking at each other can be mental foreplay. Look into each other's eyes. Undress your partner mentally before you even touch.
* Another way to use some sexy talk as a mental warm-up is to save it up for an occasion when you're out together in public; on the metro, in a restaurant, whatever. Look him straight in the eye and, in a completely normal voice so no one would guess what you're saying, tell him what you intend to do to him later. Be very specific. Then smile sweetly and change the subject. Be sure to fulfill your promises later.
* Going slow with women and making plenty of time for foreplay is one of the prime requisites to being a good lover. No matter how slow you think you should go, in the beginning you'll want to try to tack on ten or fifteen minutes extra, until you get in the habit of thinking in terms of women's bodies and the investment of time that they need to become fully aroused.
* Concentrate on taking pleasure in every part of your partner's body. Smell their hair. Run your fingers over their skin. Women, make it easy for him to take enough time to enjoy you by allowing at least a candle to be lit in the room. If you insist on darkness, you'll be cutting out a lot of the pleasure.
* The mere thought of the physical act of sex doesn't arouse most women anywhere near as much as it does the man, and this is where her body must be slowly, gently, erotically awakened. She usually turns her sexual senses off during the daily routine, so in some ways you have to give her "permission" to enjoy those senses to their full, by giving her time to savor each one.
* It's important to create a calm atmosphere that will allow the woman to indulge every possible sense--hearing, smell, touch, taste and sight. This doesn't mean you have to have an expensive stereo set, or exotic hors d'oeuvres, or name-brand cologne. Simply make everything as pleasant as possible, and you won't be disappointed in your investment.
* Just as you don't rev up your car and speed off, but you take time to warm the engine, the same with a woman. Start her up slowly, gently. Give her time to warm up, and pretty soon she--just like your well-cared-for car engine--will be purring like a kitten.
* Women, help your man to go slow by allowing him to. Let him feast his eyes on every part of you that he wants to. Help him to learn the pleasures of savoring the moment, whether it's a tender kiss, or your breath on each other, or exploring each other's bodies. Don't forget to tell him how good it feels, or how nice he smells, or how nice and warm the room is, or to thank him for going slow.
* It may take time for the woman to respond to your beautiful, leisurely pace if she's already accustomed to you getting straight to the point. But once she realizes that you are in no rush and that you are expecting her to just relax and warm up, you will be pleasantly surprised at the new, more responsive woman that you have in bed with you.
* Many men are very turned on by the idea of a woman so aroused that she's literally begging to be satisfied. Well, it's one incentive to prolong the foreplay. Women can get as aroused sexually as men. The fact that they take longer doesn't lessen the intensity any. Try investing a little more time, and before too long you'll see that carefully nurtured flame grow into a blazing bonfire of desire and wetness and erotic hunger, as your woman's legs fall open and she's begging for you inside of her.
Now don't expect this the very first time you prolong the foreplay together, or explore touching all over her body more slowly and sensuously, or put more effort into making the room comfortable and the atmosphere romantic. It's important that your partner doesn't feel you are simply using techniques to "turn her on" like some piece of machinery. You truly have to put heart and soul into enjoying her fully.
It's like the old saying "If you go slow, you get there quicker; at least you get there." Prolonging the romancing and the foreplay won't diminish your pleasure; it will only enhance it and make it more memorable.
The Art of Undressing:
* Women, undress slowly and seductively. Slide each piece of clothing over your skin as you remove it and hold it in front of you briefly before you let it drop to the floor. Lift your leg and point your toe or prop your leg enticingly on a chair as you push your stockings off. Toss them in your man's direction. Ask him to undo your zipper, then back away. Lift your arms high and arch your back as you remove your blouse or dress; this pushes your breasts up and out. Stretch and arch with catlike grace at every opportunity.
When you get down to your bra and panties, you may want to turn your back to him as you slip off one or the other, then slowly face him with your nakedness. Or let him watch as you glide your hands over your nipples while removing your bra or over your inviting triangle as you drop your panties. Performing this striptease in candlelight will give your body a soft glow and help to camouflage any of your less-than-perfect features.
* Ask him to undress you. Help him out by stretching languorously as he removes each item.
* Undress him. Take it slow and easy, and kiss and fondle him as you go. Start with his shirt and slide it sensuously off his back with both hands. It's a nice touch to caress your face with his shirt, taking in his masculine aroma; he'll feel very special. To avoid a hopeless muddle, remove his footwear before going for his pants. Then, in preparation for undoing the zipper, massage his penis through the fabric. Keep kissing him, too. After you've opened his fly, slip your hand in around his penis and testicles to protect them as you slide his pants down and off. Fondle him through his underpants before you lift the elastic over his stiff erection and glide them slowly down his thighs. You've just unwrapped a very special package.
* Your nudity can be enhanced by leaving on one piece of jewelry or clothing; it tends to focus the erotic imagination. Try wearing only a long silk scarf to flutter against your breasts and his skin. Or leave on your stockings (roll them at the top so they stay up or use garters). Wear a pendant that hangs in your cleavage, or a single strand of pearls, and let it dangle against his chest or wrap it around his penis.
* Above-the-elbow gloves are fun; or try wearing short gloves with the fingertips cut out so your stroking will produce two different sexy sensations. Don your lacy camisole or leave on your unbuttoned shirt. Wear only a slim gold chain around your waist or let your bracelets jangle against his bare skin.
* Give him an erotic surprise by taking off your casual outfit to reveal some sexy outfit underneath.
* For contrast, don't take off anything at all--except your panties--and let him struggle with your clothes to "ravage" you. A very sexy man introduced me to this wonderful game by "ravaging" me one hot Saturday afternoon without removing any of my clothes.
* Kissing really makes or breaks the date. It's just like driving a car. You can't start at one hundred miles per hour. You have to start at zero and accelerate slowly, not too fast or hard or aggressive.
* Kissing is an art, which can be extremely sexy. Delicious kisses can often get a person sexually aroused very quickly.
* Good kissing is something that usually has to be learned. It's very difficult to explain how to kiss, because each person's kiss is unique and no two kisses in the history of lovemaking have been exactly alike! We'll take a stab at outlining some "kissing pointers" below. But apart from these few ideas, you'll just have to experiment to see what works best for you and what your partner likes. (Whadda way to go!)
* A woman wrote the following explanation of what makes a sexy kiss: "Nice kisses don't usually look like what you often see in movies. Have you seen those kinds of 'movie kisses' where the man grabs the woman (with his mouth wide open and his tongue hanging out) and roughly smothers her with a kiss that looks like it's going to break her neck and leaves half her face all wet and slobbery?--And on top of that, the man is often all sweaty, unshaven, and dirty and half-drunk. How unrealistic! That's not what the average woman is looking for in a kiss!
"Of course, there is a place for passion in a kiss and sometimes you will get a little 'wet,' but I prefer to start out slowly. Again, it's the principle that the woman can't usually go from zero to one hundred miles per hour as quickly as a man can (unless she is quite emotionally involved with the man or feeling unusually frisky due to spending some time mentally anticipating the rendezvous). In my opinion, a woman needs time to work up to those big passionate kisses.
"Kiss softly and lightly at first, with your lips and mouth relaxed--not clenched closed tightly, but not wide open either. Touch your lover's face softly, on the cheeks, the hair. Look into each other's eyes between kisses. Talk a little bit. Don't rush. As you get more into it, you will naturally increase the intensity of your kisses. Gradually you can open your mouth more, use your tongue a little more ... and the excitement will build. After you're both aroused is the time for those stronger, more passionate and wetter kisses where your mouth is open and your tongue is more active.
"Even after you're sexually aroused, you can still take a break from deep kissing for some soft gentle light kisses now and then too. You can move from the lips to the neck, the ears, etc. And don't forget to use your hands when kissing--touch each other. Let your partner feel your hands on his or her face, neck, hair, waist, back, breasts, etc."
* A man wrote the following explanation: "Kissing doesn't always work that great in the first few minutes, but if you enjoy her lips, keep at it. Find out how she likes it. Try to learn the art and the fun of kissing. You don't have to get into big French kissing or too wet of a kiss from the start unless you both like it that way. Start out by gently caressing and licking each other's lips and tongues. And when you're done kissing her lips, then move to her ears and fill them with sweet words."
* Another woman had this to say about kissing: "Romantic kissing can be one of life's sweetest pleasures--showing emotion, sincerity, tenderness, and also passion and excitement. To discuss what constitutes a nice kiss, it might be helpful first of all to explain what is not desired. Kissing is not a contest to see if you can reach someone's tonsils with your tongue. It's not the first signal of an onslaught by a steamroller. The woman should not be worried about whether she will come out of the encounter with a bruised mouth. Not that anyone would kiss too hard deliberately, but it's advisable to get ahold of yourself in the midst of all the excitement, and try to go slow.
"A very moving kiss often begins with gentle touches or stroking, perhaps on the hair or the face or the arm or the fingers, to set the stage and warm up the atmosphere. Women love to have their hair and face touched--it's so tender. Then as the realization begins to dawn that a kiss is about to occur, it's nice if the beginning is delicate, maybe little kisses at first, or with a light touch and your mouth not open much. This is like the intro.
"Then as your kiss becomes deeper, you can open your mouth a little (not too much) and sort of gently rub your lips together. You begin touching tongues, caressing each other softly with tongues and lips.
"At this point, the kiss might develop into a full-scale passionate embrace, close and tight, more pressure, lots of movement. This kind of deep kiss can even go on for quite a while, with hand massage going on at the same time, responsive moans, purrs, and a general feeling of euphoria. Or if the time and place don't lend themselves to such abandon, the kiss can cool down after gentle squeezes. A gaze deep into the eyes before or afterwards adds tender meaning to a kiss; a look of love makes you feel that the person cares about you.
"Although we are discussing kissing on the mouth, it's also good to develop skill in kissing breasts, collarbones, neck, back, earlobes, etc., etc. You can lightly touch with your lips, or nibble, suck, blow little puffs of air and so forth. The friendly response of your partner to these loving kisses will prove that you don't have to go all the way to have a sexy and loving encounter with someone.
"Kissing is somewhat of a lost art, but it's worthwhile and fun to invest time in learning it. So pucker up! Practice makes perfect, and is very enjoyable!"
* Here's another man's description of desirable kissing: "I think the most important thing about kissing is to just relax--relax your body and your mouth. Don't try to have a set plan on how to kiss, or how to hold your mouth, or what you're going to do with your tongue and your hands. Women say they appreciate tenderness and gentleness more than any 'techniques.' Start with soft gentle kisses and caresses, and the rest will develop naturally!
"In most cases I've found passion usually builds gradually, especially for the woman, and the Hollywood kisses--big kisses upon first embrace--don't usually turn them on. As Dad has said many times, a woman has to be wooed and gentled. She wants to feel the man's gentleness and love.
"Work up to the first kiss by telling her how pretty she looks or how nice she smells, etc., and talk with her between soft kisses, letting her know how much you appreciate her and care for her and how nice her kisses are and how they excite you, etc. Gradually her passion and yours will increase, and you'll discover what you both like in a natural way."
* A young adult woman wrote: "I'd just like to 'Amen' that kissing is a huge part of sex and can really turn you on or off. So it's important--and in my opinion it's the most important thing!! Even if a guy isn't so experienced in all of the other aspects of sex, if he knows how to kiss, it makes everything enjoyable, fun and sexy. At least, that's how I feel."
* A common mistake in kissing is that one person can press too hard with their lips, thus overpowering the other person. For example, if the woman is on her back and the man is lying above, kissing her, if he presses too hard with his lips and mouth, the woman can feel suffocated. Make sure there is enough "breathing room." Pause regularly to allow her to shift position if she's getting uncomfortable.
* Although you don't want your lips to be dry, neither do you want to leave saliva all over the other person's face while kissing. Swallowing regularly can help keep the saliva level down, and will ensure things don't get too slobbery. Also, don't exhale forcefully into your partner's mouth.
* Some people aren't quite sure what to do with their tongue once it's in someone else's mouth, so they just move it round and round the other person's tongue, like a merry-go-round. It's good to vary the motion, sometimes softly petting each other's tongues, exploring the other's mouth or whatever, without getting stuck doing one particular movement or motion, which can get a bit monotonous. And be sensitive to your partner's desires; some people just don't like a lot of tongue action when kissing, period.
* Kissing is a very fine art. Sometimes we forget just how erotic a deeply felt or unusually placed kiss can be. Concentrate on the sensation of lip against lip, tongue on tongue, wet against dry. Be inventive. Use your lips, your tongue, your teeth. Press hard. Brush softly. Suck, lick, and nibble. Linger lovingly, press passionately. And respond sensitively to your partner's lip maneuvers.
* You might try licking only the corners of the mouth, two highly erogenous spots. (But note your partner's reaction, or ask if he or she likes it, because some people really don't care for this!)
* Offer your partner the inside of your lips while kissing deeply; it's much softer and more sensitive, and is a deeply intimate gesture.
* While enjoying some lovely open-mouthed kisses, pause for a while, mouths still open on each other, and simply breathe each other's breath. This is very hot! (Another good reason for having pleasant smelling breath!)
* One woman commented, "I know a man who gets very excited when, instead of one extended kiss, I give him many short, sucking kisses, one right after another; he seems to want to reach inside me for more. Try it with your man."
* When kissing, don't use your tongue right off the bat. Kiss just her lips awhile, leisurely. The nape of her neck (just below the hairline in the back) is very erogenous. Your breath alone will make her quiver. Do quick little running kisses over the back of her hand, up her arm, across her back and down her spine. There are tender downy hairs in the small of her back, all of which you should tickle with your breath.
* Many women I know would rather be in bed with a good kisser than with a sexual athlete. In a list of things that really turn women on, knowing how to kiss would rank very high. Women often think of kissing as a special form of communication.
Unfortunately, many men think that kissing is just useless schmaltz unless their mouths are wide open and their tongues are somewhere toward the back of their partner's gullet. For women, kissing is a much more varied and refined art. "French kissing is fine," says one woman, "in its place. But I have to be pretty turned on before I really enjoy it. I like warming up with soft, affectionate kisses. They're much more likely to get me to the point where I want to French kiss." Most of the women in one survey seemed to agree.
So think of kissing in terms of stages. Start with your lips closed. Kiss her softly, warmly. Tender is a word that is heard again and again from women: "A tender kiss is a real turn-on." As she becomes sexually aroused, you can begin to kiss more firmly, more wetly, more quickly. Then you can coax her lips apart and test her reaction to your tongue venturing inside her mouth and touching the tip of her tongue. If you withdraw it and hers follows, go a little further the next time. Never push too far too fast; always be aware of her reactions.
Give the woman an opportunity to initiate the kind of kissing she likes: let her coax your lips apart, let her make the move to the next stage.
* Most men simply don't realize that foreplay can be at least as exciting and satisfying as intercourse--sometimes more so.
* Foreplay is the ingredient that women mention most often as "essential" to real lovemaking. Oddly, it's also the ingredient that they observe is most often missing.
The most important point to keep in mind is that what is foreplay for a woman is often direct excitation for a man. If you gently stroke her breast or tongue her ear, that's only a beginning for her. If she does the same to you, an erection is almost instantaneous.
Timing is the crucial element in foreplay. Because men can be aroused faster and reach orgasm more readily, they often forget that women need more time.
So you have to take the initiative in foreplay--especially in the beginning. Give her pleasure for a while without expecting anything specific in return. That way you can give your partner a head start down her longer road to orgasm.
* The amount of foreplay really makes a big difference in how good a woman feels during sex. It might be helpful to realize that if you have good foreplay that she enjoys and it gets her feeling good and ready, then the lovemaking will feel twice as good and it won't take nearly as long for her to come if you have the right amount of foreplay. It can be a strain if you haven't had enough foreplay. The woman can feel under pressure, like she has to try to work to come or it's going to take too long.
Consequently as the woman, you feel like it's not worth it to even try to have an orgasm because you haven't been prepared enough and are not ready enough. So you don't really feel like you want to. Sometimes you don't even feel like you can come, when actually if you had just had maybe 5 or 10 more minutes of kissing or touching or sweet interaction before jumping right into it, then it would've been easy and pleasurable. So the amount of time really makes a big difference in how much you enjoy it.
* There are many erogenous zones in the body that are often overlooked in sexual touching. [Definition of erogenous: adj. 1. Responsive or sensitive to sexual stimulation: erogenous zones.2. Arousing sexual desire.] According to The Massage Book by George Downing, the erogenous zones are those areas of the body, besides the genitals, which carry a heightened sexual charge. They are primarily the pelvic region and the regions immediately joining--the stomach, the insides of the thighs, the buttocks, the lower back and the breasts. Other areas that respond to sensual touches are the ears, the lips, the back of the neck, the palms, the insides of the elbows, the armpits, the soles of the feet, the big toe and the back of the knees.
Some of these areas on a person may be more or less sexually exciting. Caressing or kissing some of these regions may send one person into ecstasy, yet the very same thing may drive someone else nuts, especially if they're ticklish in those areas! A little experimentation as well as honest communication will help you determine what your partner likes.
* These are the woman's erogenous zones (besides the most obvious, breasts and genitals) you should commit to memory:
the orbital bone (eyebrows)
the nape of her neck
the backs of her knees
the soles of her feet
the insides of her thighs
the backs of her thighs
the lower abdomen
the palms of her hands
* Touching is an important part of the sexual arousal process. The skin is the body's largest erogenous zone. Touching all over the body, before approaching the genitals, is the most certain route to arousal for most women. While men seem to respond more strongly than women to visual stimulation, women react more strongly to bodily touch.
* Being touched through clothes can sometimes be more titillating than being touched in the customary way and place, naked in bed. Being touched lightly and delicately through clothes introduces a variety of stimuli; clothing can provide pleasurable friction. A man who had difficulty maintaining an erection when naked found that when he wore his undershorts while engaging in sex play, the sleek feel of the material helped to stimulate him. Women have found the same--sometimes being touched through silky slips, panties and lingerie can be very sexy.
* You may feel your woman takes too much time getting aroused. Yes, sometimes women take FOREVER! There are many ways of heightening a woman's sexual sensitivities before foreplay that will save you from heat stroke. You've read about some already, and there's more to come.
* Petting can involve almost any part of her body; there's hardly a square inch of it that doesn't have the potential to become fully erotic.
* Every woman has her favorite place, a place where she's very sensitive and easily aroused. Explore her body and discover her special place. Good candidates are her ears (especially the earlobes), her mouth, her neck. I've known women who shiver with excitement when you gently massage their hands or their feet. (If you do choose to massage the feet, make sure you wash your hands thoroughly before moving on to other parts of the body.)
Try unusual combinations. Instead of simply mouth to mouth, try touching her lips with your finger, or massaging her fingers, one by one, in your mouth. (Editor's note: Not everyone cares for foot or finger massage during foreplay. However, needless to say, those of you who do will want to make sure your nails are scrubbed/clipped and your hands and feet are nice and clean.)
* Please note the following very important point on timing!
On the subject of when and how to touch a woman, the author of the book Touch Therapy says, "A sudden touch makes us undergo the startle reflex, a reflex we are born with. Our startled bodies may perceive such a touch not as enjoyable but as threatening. Your lover puts his moist tongue in your ear and you reflexively jump. He mistakenly thinks that you don't enjoy this sex play. You do enjoy it--but only after you've reached a state of arousal. You and your lover start foreplay and he suddenly starts masturbating your clitoris. But you need more touching first, so you hold him back by pulling his hand away. He misinterprets your touch message as meaning you don't want to be masturbated. You do, but not yet.
"The pace and pressure of our fingers is also important to good sex. Early in the act we enjoy 'feather message,' long slow strokes with airy pressure. Only after we are aroused do we want short, rapid, intense strokes with heavier pressure. A partner whose finger probes prematurely with short, hard motions can literally turn off pleasurable sensations rising in us."
* Just like a woman, a man has lots of erogenous zones all over his body. If you explore thoroughly, you'll be sure to discover all of them and probably create some new ones! Here are some of them:
Eyelids. A soft kiss, light lick, or gentle caress on your man's sensitive lids is a very intimate and unusual gesture. The exquisite closeness it creates will carry into the rest of your lovemaking and raise the level of intensity a few notches.
Ears. In many men, there is a direct connection between the ear and the penis. Plug into it and watch him sizzle. Suck, lick, nibble, and blow on the lobe and tender inner portions of the ear. For a special effect, point your tongue and slide it in and out of the ear cavity; it feels marvelous and will make him think of sliding moistly in and out of you. (Men, if you want to enjoy this particular pleasure, please keep your ears clean! Tasting a build-up of wax is very unpleasant indeed, and if this happens, you won't likely get a repeat performance of this treat next time!)
Neck. The crease under a man's chin and the skin over his esophagus and Adam's apple can be especially sensitive areas and respond very nicely to sucking and licking. You might try alternating these activities with nibbling on the tendons extending from ear to shoulders. When you've made him very hot, keep it up just a little longer; you'll make his penis tingle.
Hair. The right kind of hair pulling can be very erotic. Hold him by the hair at the back of his head, draw his head back, and lick or love-bite his outstretched neck. Tell him how delicious he is.
Armpits. Any part of the body that is protected by hair or another body part and is not usually exposed is exquisitely sensitive. Obviously the armpit qualifies as one of the premiere hot spots. Don't miss it. Stroking, licking, nuzzling and nibbling produce delicious sensations and will usually have him writhing about in ecstasy. (Watch out for deodorant, though; it tastes terrible!)
Nipples. Just like a woman's, a man's nipples can be erotically sensitive. The difference is that, while the sensations he arouses in your nipples flow to and inflame other parts of your body and you love to have your rosy buds stimulated for long periods, a man's reaction to nipple massage is more localized, sharper, and wears thin much faster.
(For some reason, men are often not so eager to admit this sensitivity of their nipples, maybe because admiring and caressing the breasts is a sexual act that seems to be traditionally reserved for the woman. A woman may not want to ask her lover about whether his nipples are a real "hot spot" for him; rather she can just experiment and see what his reaction is.)
Do unto his nipples as you would have him do unto yours, and you're off to a great start; but don't keep it up so long that it starts to feel more like irritation than lovely stimulation. Suck, lick, and nibble. Pull the nipple out with your lips or teeth (gently!) and let it go. Circle it with your tongue, flick your tongue back and forth over it. Blow on it. Roll his nipples between your fingers. Squeeze them. Pull on them. Slather them with whipped cream or honey and lick it off (and later have him do this to you!). Add a few gentle strokes to his penis now and then to help diffuse the powerful sensations. Then move on to something else while he's still begging for more.
Navel. Here's another juicy spot to stick your tongue in. Massage, lick, and suck the surrounding area first, saving the slippery insertion for last. Tease him by tickling the surrounding hairs with your fingers and breath. Then thrust your pointed tongue in and out of his navel. Or pour in a little wine or honey and suck/lick it out. (Some navels collect body oil, dirt and lint from clothing more than other navels, depending on the size and shape, so make sure it's clean. Use a Q-tip if you need to.)
Spine. I'll bet you never thought of the backbone as an erogenous zone. But men have sensitive nerves along the spine, especially at the tailbone, that seem to be directly connected to the genitals. Send erotic messages to his penis by traveling down his spine with your mouth and tongue. Bite gently, lick insistently, suck hungrily. Pay special attention to the very end of his spine, the tailbone.
Inner thighs. That soft protected area on the inside of his thighs, from above the knee to the crotch, is a hotbed of sexy sensations. And of course the higher up you go, the hotter he gets. Caress lightly, press firmly, tickle gently. Lap your tongue over the sensitive skin. Suck and nibble on the underlying tendon, especially right where it connects at the crotch. The spot where inner thigh meets pelvis is the most responsive to erotic stimulation. So spend some quality time there, and farther up the pelvic bone as well, before arriving at his now quivering penis.
Hands. The hands and fingers are made to be especially sensitive and discriminating of different textures and sensations. Use your fingernails to inscribe small circles on the palms of your man's hands. Suck each finger as though it were a small penis. Tease his fingertips with gentle scrapings of your teeth. Thrust your tongue in and out between his fingers and their base, and suck on his knuckles. When his hand is nicely sensitized you may want to guide it to your breast and move it in slow circles around your nipples, or pull it lower to trace his palm lightly across your pubic hair. He'll probably take over from there.
Buttocks. The adorable rear that looks so good in tight jeans fairly begs to be cupped in your sensuous hands. Don't miss the opportunity to give both of you a super-sexy treat. Start with a bun massage. Tickle the baby-fine hairs at his tailbone and massage the base of his spine. Kiss, suck, and lick his buns. If you really want to drive him wild, reach around to stroke his penis at the same time.
* A woman's breasts are one of the most obvious erogenous zones. Because of this, women often prefer being touched elsewhere at the beginning of foreplay. But that doesn't mean they don't enjoy it when you eventually get around to the breasts. They'll probably enjoy it more!
Caressing a woman's breasts is an art--a gentle art. Because the breasts' sensitivity can vary from week to week due to hormonal changes in a woman's body, you should always be sensitive to her reactions. There's a fine line between stimulation and pain.
Begin by caressing the breasts smoothly, brushing lightly over the nipples. Always vary the direction and the weight of the stroke so it doesn't become irritating. The nipples should begin to stiffen. When they do, take one at a time and press it gently into your cupped hand. Now move your hand in a slow, circular motion. The friction will be exquisite and the nipple will be fully erect.
You want to move in stages, each stage more stimulating and more forceful than the last. Never too much too quickly. You could alternate each stage of touching her breasts with kissing or touching other parts of her body. The next stage is to take the nipple between your lips and alternately lick, suck, and "flutter-tongue" it. All the time you should be kneading the breast itself with increasing firmness (but never too firmly).
Some women especially like attention paid to the entire breast area, not just the nipples. To kiss or lick the entire breast, the underside of the breast, or where the breast meats the chest underneath can be quite a turn-on. Women who breast-feed may experience a measure of desensitization in the nipple area, and consequently appreciate the focus on the entire breast.
The moment when your face comes to her breast is a special moment. Relish it. Most women find the contact between a man's mouth and their breasts very stimulating. "I think it's one of the key moments in lovemaking," says a housewife. "Somehow, having that man's head between your breasts, his breath on your nipples, his hair brushing against you, that's sexy."
* The size of a woman's breasts has nothing to do with their sensitivity. A lot of men think bigger breasts are less sensitive and smaller breasts are more sensitive. Not true. Breasts have varying sensitivity, especially at different times of the month.
With your tongue extended and your lips pulled away from her skin, lick around her nipple. It's important that your lips not touch her actual flesh right now, that air be able to circulate. Why? It feels better. The sensation isn't "smothered." Nipple sucking is nice, too, but be sure to start out with just your tongue so her nipples can peak. Peaked nipples are at their maximum sensitivity.
Many women like having their nipples very lightly nibbled. If you use your finger to stimulate them, make sure it's very wet and run it around the peak of her nipple like you would a wine glass. Or dip your finger in a glass of wine, gently rub it on her nipple in a circular motion, then lick or suck it off. Blowing on a wet nipple feels wonderful! (Just make sure the room is warm or this could make her nipples cold and less responsive to the arousal.)
* When it comes to foreplay, there is hardly anything more relaxing and arousing than a sensual massage. One experienced man shares his special techniques: "I usually use some oil. I like vegetable oil better than baby oil--it isn't absorbed in the skin so quickly--like almond oil, avocado oil, or olive oil. You make them smell better if you add some drops of scent. I use a little of my cologne, so the oil smells like me. (It's always better to work the oil in little by little; you can always apply more if needed.)
"Sometimes, I heat the oil a little. But you have to be very careful not to heat it too much--you can burn yourself. I always test it by putting a few drops on my wrists before spreading any on her body.
"When you start massaging, don't stop. Even for a minute. If you want to put some more oil on your hands, stay there lying next to her. Put your leg on hers, or your body. Anything so the contact isn't interrupted. Once you've taken your hands off, the spell is broken.
"I work in three stages. "The first stage is the least erogenous zones, like the back of the neck, the calves, the small of the back.
"Then I turn to the places that are more erogenous, like the stomach, the buttocks, the inner thighs, the ears, the insides of the elbows, the insides of the knees.
"Finally I turn to the most erogenous zones--especially the breasts, the nipples, the genital area. I still think of it as a massage. That's important because that way she can get aroused without getting too aroused--at least not yet anyway."
Here are some recommended techniques:
"For the nipples, you should put your two thumbs together in a line, with one nipple in between. Then push the thumbs in opposite directions. Keep on doing that in different positions, around and around the nipple. Believe me, she'll like it.
"With the genital area, I also do something special. If her vagina isn't naturally lubricated, you begin by lubricating your hands. The first thing I do is press the tips of my thumbs against the spot between the vagina and the anus. That, by itself, feels really good.
"Then I push my thumbs in a straight line right up to the inner lips. Then I separate the thumbs, brushing them outward across the outer lips. I bring them back to the inner lips, then back to the spot below the vagina. I repeat that until she's so turned on she can't take it any more. That's when the massage ends and the main act begins."
* Here's another person's description of that "perfect massage":
There's nothing quite as inviting, languorous, and sensual as a slinky, full-body massage. Make sure the room is warm and you are both fresh and clean before situating your man in the bed or on a thick carpet. Both of you should be naked. Always use oil so your hands will slide smoothly and uninterruptedly over his tender skin. You can use massage oil or any vegetable oil scented with your favorite perfume. Keep it warm over a candle throughout the entire massage.
As much as possible, use your entire hand--the palm and the pressed-together fingers--to make contact with all the areas of your lover's body. You can start anywhere and use any kind of stroke as long as your movements are slow, steady, smooth, and in constant rhythm. Knead with your fingers, press with your palms, circle with your whole hand, pound gently with the sides of your hands, and slide your hands gently back to their starting position at the end of each stroke. Repeat each movement at least three times before moving on to a different stroke. Don't forget to spend a good deal of time on his head, hands, and feet; massage in these areas can elicit some of the most directly sexual responses from your mate.
To lend erotic accompaniment to the feel of your warmly insistent hands, add your hot breath or your cool, silky tongue to the stimulation of his neck, nipples, abdomen, inside of his arm or leg, or anywhere else you can think of. Keep up your slow, steady and sensuous movements for at least thirty minutes, and then, depending on both your moods, either towel him off and luxuriate in the quiet intimacy of the moment, or oil yourself down, too, slither up against him, and see what comes up. (Editor's note: If you're concerned about your sheets getting oil on them, lie on a separate sheet or towel on top of your regular bed sheets. Or you can try talcum powder if you don't have or like oil; it's less messy too.)
* Men and women alike often enjoy their partner rubbing body lotion on their feet and hands as part of your foreplay. It is very relaxing, softens the skin, smells nice and can be extra stimulating if you "pull" and stroke their fingers and toes as you rub the lotion or cream in. (If you decide to do this, please make sure that your feet are clean! And wash your hands after touching the feet before proceeding to other parts of the body. Perfumed body lotion or massage oil can cause irritation to some women whose vaginas are particularly sensitive, another good reason for washing your hands.)
* Using Other Parts of Your Body:
Eyelashes. Bat your eyelashes against his (or her, if you're a man) cheeks, ears, lips, underarms, nipples, tummy, behind the knees. Alternate between fast and slow.
Nipples. Your nipples, women, can be used to give as well as receive pleasure. Trail your erect nipples over your man's entire body, taking the time to stop occasionally for a wiggle and jiggle over sensitive spots. Guide one or both nipples into all his cavities and crevices--ears, mouth, hollow of the neck, underarms, navel, crease between thigh and genitals, spaces between the toes, backs of his knees, crease at the bottom of his buns, over the crack between his "cheeks," hollow of lower back. Press your nipples against his and roll them together with your fingers. Caress his lips with your nipples and let him lick them for a while. Wind up this lovely treat with several seductive passes over and around his genitals. The sight as well as the sensation will drive him wild.
Hair. Lean your head forward and let your hair fall over his body. Move it slowly, gently tickling and stroking back, chest or legs, or any place desired.
* A woman comments: "I find it very stimulating when a guy has long hair and with it he gently strokes me, starting at the breasts and going down to my tummy."
For Each Other:
Dad says: "Let's face it: nearly all genuine lovemaking is masturbation pure and simple, or a massaging of the sexual parts to orgasmic satisfaction by either hands, fingers, mouth, tongue or penis, and in some cultures even by the feet!" (ML #258:51)
* Many people think masturbation is a last resort for lonely nights. In fact, it can be very exciting and very intimate to masturbate together. After all, you're asking someone to share one of your most private acts.
A woman in Boston has this to say about masturbation as a part of lovemaking: "Not long ago, I made love for the first time with a man considerably younger than me. After a while, he asked me if I'd mind masturbating a little. He said he'd never seen a woman masturbate and he thought it would be very sexy. I said I'd do it, but only if he'd do the same too. There we were, touching ourselves, without the slightest physical contact. All the intimacy was in the eye contact. I had an orgasm like I could almost see it. And so did he, almost at the same time. He was right. It was very sexy."
* Masturbation can be as fulfilling when you are with your partner as lovemaking. In fact, many couples don't mind those times when they can't have intercourse, as they feel just as free to make each other happy through masturbating one another or masturbating themselves in front of each other. If you can get into the habit of conversing with each other about the more technical details and all the while keep the romantic mood going, you will find that the mechanics of changing positions, mutual or individual masturbation, etc., can become such part and parcel of your interactions that they are as exciting and fulfilling as the other ways of satisfying each other.
So try to let each other know if you masturbate on your own, how often, whether you feel inhibited in front of someone else, whether you get turned on seeing your partner masturbating, etc. Ask your partner what she or he does when masturbating and find out what feels best to your partner. The position, the timing, the place, the way they do it, how often they climax can all be fun and exciting things to talk about. In the process you will not only learn a lot, but it will also dissipate a lot of the fears and phobias that you may have about doing it in front of each other. Don't be afraid to express what you like!
* Many men and women enjoy watching their partner masturbate, and some who are a little shy at first become so excited by their partner's thrilling experience that they easily and eagerly join in the fun.
"God made you to need sex! If you can't find somebody else to give it to you, then why can't you give it to yourself? Why not? God made a very simple little way to relieve yourself, satisfy yourself! Let's face it, everybody does it! You do it! You've done it all your life. Why are you ashamed of it? You're simply satisfying your sexual desire. What's wrong with that? It's a physical need just like eating! God made it so you can do it and satisfy it, so what's wrong with that? What's wrong with masturbation? You only think it's wrong because somebody told you it was wrong, that's all! These false religions tell you it's wrong!" (ML #2475:27)
"All the things that you absolutely need and have to do, God made very enjoyable, very desirable, like eating, sleeping, even working, playing, sexing, whatever you want to call it! God made the most essential things in the world, the things you need the most, very desirable, in fact virtually irresistible!--Like you beautiful girls and sex and even masturbation. It must be good for you, because you need it, you desire it." (ML #2176:26)
"Lovemaking is an art--sometimes highly technical, sometimes just plain hard work, and you've gotta really work at it--both of you! The girl may have to work hard to get him in shape, and he may have to work hard to make her flip!--I mean really hard! As the Word says: 'Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might!' (Ecc.9:10)--all your might, if necessary--whatever it takes, do it!" (ML #154:71)
"Hands are wonderful things! They can really give a lot of loving! They can finish the job when nothing else can!" (ML #259:24)
* Give him a private show he'll never forget. Masturbate for him. Almost every man dreams of watching a sexy woman play with herself provocatively, but they almost never get to make this dream come true. Most women are too shy for this kind of very hot teasing. But when you see the look of naked desire this behavior produces on your man's face, you'll quickly overcome any inhibitions.
You can each masturbate yourselves. To watch and listen to someone masturbating themselves can be quite exciting, often especially so for the man. Or you could take turns masturbating yourself, while your partner kisses you all over.
* The woman can dance or strip for the man as he masturbates himself. Since men are so visually stimulated, dancing for a man can be a fun thing to do on a date, whether he's masturbating himself or not. As he's lying on the bed, the woman can be beside it dancing. As things progress, she could work her way up onto the bed.
* A surprising number of women find the sight of men masturbating to be wildly erotic. A fair number of men find the sight of women masturbating erotic, too. Therefore, should the opportunity present itself, suggest she pretend you're not there and see what she does to please herself. This is especially sexy if there's a door separating you and you peek through a keyhole (makes her feel less self-conscious, too), or a glass door, or at the very least a sheer fabric like mosquito netting hung around the bed.
Masturbating a Man:
* There are some women who don't feel comfortable touching a man's penis right away during sex, and they may need to get accustomed to being with their partner before they do, even more before they can masturbate their partner.
However, for your information, ladies, although most women prefer not to have their clitoris touched in the beginning of foreplay, men in general do like their penis to be touched and caressed, even if their partner will not ultimately masturbate it. It is a sign of acceptance to a man, and to have you simply touch his penis in intimate moments (even if he does not get hard), can reassure him immensely and make him feel at ease with you. So try to get used to touching your partner's penis, even if you are a little apprehensive about doing much more.
And men, try to understand that if your partner isn't touching you very much "down there," that it's probably simply because she's not comfortable with the idea, or still getting accustomed to being with you, or perhaps she's afraid of arousing you too much when she still needs more time to get "warmed up."
* There are many ways to masturbate a man--try a little experimentation. The most sensitive areas of a man's penis are usually the head, the rim around the head, and the underside of the penis, especially the part that is closest to the head. The shaft or base of the penis has less sensitivity. The testicles or "balls" are often very sensitive, but be careful not to squeeze them or pull on them too hard or touch them too roughly, as this can be quite painful and a real turn-off.
* The key to success in masturbating a man to climax is having the man express his desires and what he likes. It is important that he tells the woman if he likes it and if she should continue masturbating him once she has developed a steady rhythm, as sometimes the man will say afterwards, "Oh, I could have climaxed had you kept it up for just one more minute." Communication is essential so the woman knows how much progress has been made. So don't be shy, men, to respond, "Slower, faster, harder, tighter, right there, right around the top, keep going, that's great! Good! Could you touch my balls?" etc.
* There is great variety in what men like. Some men like the "soft teasing touch," whereas other men comment that a common "mistake" made by women when masturbating them is that they don't hold the penis strongly enough, therefore the pressure exerted isn't sufficient to bring the man to climax.
For fun, ladies, you can have your partner masturbate himself by grasping his penis over your hand. (That is to say your hand is under his hand as he stimulates himself.) It might surprise you to see how strong and tight, or how gentle his grasp is.
* Also, if a woman wants to see what a man likes, she can watch him masturbate himself. That will give her a pretty good idea of how he likes it, since he's had years of practice--ha! This works well for men too--watch her masturbate herself and you'll see a sample of what she likes. Once you get over the awkwardness you may feel at sharing this intimate act, you'll find that the effort is well worth it! A picture is worth a thousand words!
* A woman comments: Some men like to have a little lubrication or saliva spread on the head of the penis. Wet your fingers with your saliva before handling his penis. It's warm, gentle and sexy!
* While the technical side of things is definitely important in masturbation, don't neglect those very sexy words and compliments that will take your mind off the mechanics and onto some very sensual thoughts. Don't be afraid to look and enjoy all you are seeing. Learn to appreciate those moments of passion and express in words what you are seeing and feeling. Those words can be very sexy and provocative, and in fact will most likely add an extra sensual dimension that will bring about the climax more easily. Men love it when you comment on what you see, gals, and so do women, men, so speak up and express your visual pleasure.
* For some men, right after orgasm the head of the penis is very sensitive and even painful to touch; whereas other men, if they are being hand-stimulated, like a little more movement. Whichever you prefer, you can either tell the woman you like that movement, or otherwise touch the woman's hand to let her know she can stop.
* Holding his penis right: Not having a penis puts us women at a big disadvantage when it comes to knowing how to make one feel good. But one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to assume that what feels wonderful on your clitoris and in your vagina will feel equally wonderful to his genitals. Wrong! In case you hadn't noticed, his penis is a completely different animal altogether. Whereas the general rule of most clitorises is "the gentler the better," for most penises it's "the firmer the better." So you should develop a grip for him something like the one you use on your tennis racket.
* The most sensitive areas of the penis are the head, the rim around the bottom of the head, the long ridge running the length of the underside, and--probably the most sensitive spot--the slender string of skin connecting head to shaft on the underside. If you keep these hot spots in mind and use your fingers accordingly, you should have a very happy penis in your hands.
* Some of the better ways to hold this lovely piece of equipment, depending on the direction from which you approach it, are:
Rest your index finger on the little thread of skin going from head to shaft; other fingers can line up along the underside ridge. Let your thumb lie against the rim of the shaft on the top side.
Place your thumb on the bottom of the underside ridge, while the rest of your fingers curl around the shaft, with your pinky resting against the rim of the shaft.
Make a ring with your thumb and index finger and slip it snugly around the base of the rim as a starting point.
Stroking it right: Now that your hand is strategically placed, it's time to get a little action going. Just three things to remember for the perfect stoke: do it firmly, do it smoothly, and do it in a steady rhythm.
If you want him to climax this way, increase your speed as he nears orgasm. But when he actually gets there, stop moving your hand. Either grasp him more tightly and just hold on, or relax your grip completely and let your hand act as a cradle. (Note: Unless he is one of those men who likes the continued action when he comes. Be sure you find out, because to stop too soon can be anticlimactic and quite a disappointment, as it can cause the climax to be much less intense.)
If you have other plans for his penis while it's still hard, simply remove your hand gently and smoothly when you feel him getting too excited. Be sure to distract his attention right away with a deep kiss.
* Variations on the basic stroke:
* Knead his penis between both your hands as though it were a piece of dough.
* Roll it between your palms.
* Stroke the underside with your palm as you press his penis against his pelvis.
* Make two rings with the thumb and index finger of each hand. Place them next to each other in the middle of his shaft. Gently pull outward in both directions at once.
* Make two rings as above. But this time put them both at the base of his penis. Slide your top hand up toward the glands, letting it come off the end completely. Then replace it at the base and repeat the stroke. The "ring" of your other hand should exert pressure downward as the top hand moves upward. Keep repeating these strokes till he begs for mercy.
* Roll or thump his penis against your belly, thigh, or face.
* Press your breasts together and let him slide his well-oiled penis between them. Occasionally, he can rub it across your nipples. Or he can alternate his thrust with sucking on your nipples. Or while he's busy sliding between your breasts, you can stimulate your nipples yourself. He'll enjoy watching this. Or at the end of each stroke, let his penis emerge from between your breasts and into your waiting mouth.
* For an extra little treat, press on his perineum, the area between his anus and scrotum, while you're caressing his penis. When you press there, you are stimulating his prostate; for him, this feels similar to the way G-spot stimulation feels for you. (See "Masturbating a Woman" for explanation of the G-spot. Use your forefinger and press firmly and in rhythm while you stroke his penis with your other hand. If it's comfortable, you can curl the other fingers of your pressing hand around the base of his organ, using them to keep the penile skin taut. This sort of handiwork usually makes for a more deeply felt and longer-lasting orgasm.
* Another thing you can do while rubbing his penis is to fondle his testicles. Cup them gently in your hand as you caress the base of his penis with your fingertips. Or, with thumb and forefinger on either side, press your fingers together between his testicles and pull down gently in rhythm with your stroking. Or use the ring technique around the base of his scrotum and again pull down rhythmically. Whichever technique you choose, use firm pressure but don't squeeze too hard. (Some men dislike having their testicles fondled, so it's worth asking, or take special note of his body language and verbal responses.)
* The scrotum, which is the pouch of skin holding the testicles, is extremely sensitive, so use the lightest of touches here. Stroke softly, lick, or blow light breaths over the skin. Some men like it when you take one or both of their testicles in your mouth and suck gently. Or lightly massage them with one hand while stroking his penis with the other.
* Many men love to have you pull on their testicles while you're massaging their penis. Either encircle the top of the scrotum, right up next to his body, with your thumb and forefinger, or pinch both sides of the scrotum together between the testicles, and pull down. Don't jerk. Pull easily and gently, in rhythm with the strokes you're giving his penis. You should know that pulling his testicles down firmly is one way to forestall ejaculation; this trick may come in handy for those times when you're not quite ready for the show to end.
Masturbating a Woman:
* Women, you are not doing the men a favor when you sigh and say "Oh, that's okay, you don't need to do anything for me," or "I never come anyway, so don't bother." Granted, you may feel you can't or don't need to come and that it's not the end of the world if you don't come while having sex. But there's good reason to allow the man to pleasure you, to at least touch you and for you to direct him a little as to the way you like it. Why? Because that's how he can learn to touch you the way you like, even if it takes being fifty times with the same person before you are undistracted enough (yes, men, it's not always because we're nervous) or comfortable enough to climax. Inexperienced men then also realize that women want to and can be satisfied, even if it takes time.
* Start by touching her entire body: her breasts, nipples, stomach, navel, pelvic bone, inner thighs--everywhere. Only after the body is relaxed and fairly excited do you begin to work your way to the vaginal area. The most sensitive part of the vagina is, of course, the clitoris. But for that very reason you should not approach it first. Begin by rubbing the inner lips on either side of the clitoris. You can also try making circular motions around it. A third way to stimulate the clitoris in-directly is to move your fingers inside the inner lips in the area just below the clitoris, so that it tugs at the clitoris itself. All this activity should lubricate the clitoris and prepare it for more direct stimulation.
If there is not sufficient natural lubrication (there are no lubricating glands immediately adjacent to the clitoris; the lubrication must reach the clitoris from within the vagina itself), consider using saliva. The act of taking some saliva from your mouth and pressing it against her clitoris is a turn-on for many women. Or you might use an unscented lotion or K-Y jelly. (Scented lotions can sting the sensitive tissue. Do not use Vaseline or any kind of petroleum jelly as it is not water-soluble and therefore holds germs in the vagina for a much longer time, which can be a health risk.)
* The most sensitive genital areas for a woman are usually the clitoris, the cervix and/or the G-spot. The outer opening of the vagina (the inner and outer lips) and most of the vaginal wall are not very sensitive to sexual stimulation.
A woman's clitoris is a small knob of tissue, a little smaller than the tip of your little finger, that is covered by a bit of skin called the clitoral hood. The clitoris is an organ designed solely for pleasure. It has wonderfully sensitive nerve endings, as many nerve endings as the tip of a man's penis. The cervix is the opening of the womb, which is located inside the woman's body at the far end of her vagina. It can be stimulated with certain intercourse positions in which there is deep thrusting.
The G-spot (or Grafenberg spot, named after the doctor who discovered it) is a mass of tissue on the upper wall of the vagina. It generally ranges between the size of a dime and the size of a quarter in the unaroused state. But since it seems to be composed of erectile tissue, it can double in size when a woman becomes sexually excited. Some women find that direct stimulation of the G-spot, once they are sexually aroused, can trigger orgasm.
* The G-spot is not easy to locate. Women have a hard time finding it, too. And not all women believe they have one, but they do! The method, however, is simple if you want to find yours: while sitting or squatting, you can insert one or two fingers into your vagina with your palm facing up. Now bend the fingers slightly. The inside of your vagina feels like a ribbed condom, but between your bladder and pelvis exists an area that is very sensitive. You may or may not be able to distinguish its shape (which is roundish). Many women report an urge to urinate when the G-spot is stimulated, so urinate before trying this. This response is common because the G-spot is located around the urethra, close to the neck of the bladder. With continued stimulation, however, this feeling passes and then the sensation becomes pleasurable.
If you think you have located your G-spot, you can stimulate it by rubbing and firmly pressing the area. The awkwardness of this position can make it difficult to maintain firm pressure, so you may prefer to try this with your partner's assistance.
Some find that direct stimulation of the G-spot brings about an orgasm quite rapidly. Some women do not enjoy having the G-spot stimulated until they are at least somewhat aroused. (Some books strongly suggest not stimulating the G-spot until the woman is aroused!)
Just as some women do not find direct clitoral stimulation pleasurable, some women do not find direct internal pressure on the G-spot comfortable or pleasurable at any point in the sexual arousal process. But it can be fun to explore what the G-spot means for you.
* There is great variation in the kind of stimulation women respond to. Some women like to be touched directly on the clitoris. Other women enjoy direct but gentle stimulation with the aid of a lubricant such as saliva or K-Y jelly. Others, who find direct touch of the sensitive clitoris too overpowering, prefer a little more roundabout stimulation--to the side or slightly above the clitoris. Or the man can rub the palm of his hand on the entire clitoral area. (Women, you might want to experiment alone to determine the kind of stimulation that most excites you. Then show your partner what to do.)
* Some women report that it's more pleasant if the man alternates between clitoral stimulation and running their finger or tongue along the outer lips and inner lips, then back up and around the clitoris. The woman often gets very excited through this little variation, and that way nothing gets numb through being pressed too hard or long. The key is to be sensitive to what the woman is responding to.
* Learning to masturbate yourself can help you enjoy partner sex much more. One sex therapist and author of several books on the subject says, "The more orgasms achieved, the more can be achieved. The more orgasms you have by any method--self-stimulation included--the more sexually responsive you are likely to become."
It's been said that a woman learning to have an orgasm can be compared to walking through a heavily overgrown forest or meadow. At first there's no path, the grass is tall, you can't see much ahead, you don't know where you're going, and you have to sort of struggle to make your way through it. (And it might take quite a long time, as you may get lost or delayed or tired, etc.) But the more you walk through that forest or meadow, the more the path to your destination is defined. Gradually, the trail becomes easier and easier to find; until eventually, you have a well-marked path that is easy to follow.
* Sometimes the Devil tries to condemn you about masturbating or make you feel "carnal" or "unladylike" or "oversexed" or all kinds of bothersome things. Just rebuke his lies and accusations, and relax and enjoy yourself! (See "Revolutionary Sex," ML #258.)
* It is usually recommended to use a little lubrication when masturbating a woman. (Sometimes women need lubrication during intercourse as well, especially women who are experiencing or have experienced menopause, or women who have not yet had much intercourse.) A water-soluble solution such as K-Y jelly works well, as does a light, unscented lotion. If you don't have any other lubricant handy, saliva is a good lubricant. In fact, some women like that the best. She can moisten herself with her own saliva. Or you can moisten her with your saliva on your hand or through oral sex.
Don't be embarrassed, ladies, to suggest using a little lubricant or to reach for it yourselves, because it can help prevent your getting sore from too much friction.
If a woman isn't getting very lubricated naturally, it doesn't necessarily mean that she's not turned on. Sometimes other factors can cause her to not get wet--such as taking a hot shower or bath right before lovemaking. (This washes away even the normal amount of lubrication that is always present.) Also, making love near the breeze from an open window or with a fan on in the room can cause a woman to get dry during lovemaking, as the breeze actually dries the natural lubrication. Sometimes drinking wine can cause women to get dry--not only in their vagina but also their mouths. (It's apparently a reaction to the chemicals that are present in some inexpensive wines.) As mentioned previously, being drier in the vagina is a natural result of menopause. So don't take it personally, men, if your lover isn't naturally very wet; just use something to lubricate her and have fun!
* Men, if you have not asked what she likes or how she likes it, then start softly and gently and you will know by her reaction if she can take it a little harder and faster. Starting hard and fast can be too brusque for most women and can actually be a turn-off. So be gentle while experimenting, and be sure that when she's moving her hips that it's because of the pleasure you're giving her, and not an attempt to back away from the pressure of your fingers. Better yet, ask as you experiment to narrow the field and the margin of error. Some like it soft throughout without changing the pace or the pressure throughout climax. Others like to start soft and work their way to a little more speed and pressure. It's good to find out what she likes because doing it "just right" as she starts to climax can make a big difference in the intensity of the orgasm.
* You might notice, ladies, that when men are making love they can change positions repeatedly and even stop completely without losing the momentum of their sexual excitement. Their sexual arousal builds steadily, in spite of such interruptions. And then when they start moving again, they are easily able to regain the same excitement level and keep climbing. In fact, many men enjoy stopping, even many times in one lovemaking session, in order to prolong the pleasure.
It's pretty amazing to a woman that a man can stop moving completely and then start again, and then within what seems like seconds, he has an orgasm. The reason this is amazing to women is because most women have to have a very steady build-up to be able to reach an orgasm; and when they're close to going, if their partner stops or even varies the stimulation greatly, a woman can lose the momentum. She then doesn't usually just immediately pick up where she left off, but often has to pretty much "start over."
So the key is when the woman says, "That's it, don't stop!" that's exactly what she means. In fact, not only does she mean don't stop, but she probably really means don't vary the pace or the pressure or the position.
For some women to have a climax it takes a lot of concentration--so when she's close to going, don't expect a lot of conversation.
* Assuming you have spent enough time in foreplay to make her sufficiently aroused, below is a little set of techniques that you can try sometime.
The second most eloquent instrument on your body, dear men--besides that fabulous tongue of yours--is your hands. Your hands are a Stradivarius* from which you'll wring the most beautiful melodies. [*Stra·di·va·ri, Antonio. Often called Antonius Stradivarius. 1644?-1737. Italian violinmaker who developed the proportions of the modern violin and created instruments of unsurpassed beauty and tone.[
* First of all hold your hand as though you were making a pistol with it--two fingers pointed out, the rest curled under. Now raise your thumb. Then:
* Place your thumb on her clitoris.
* Insert your fingers into her vagina.
* Rest the knuckles of your last two fingers against her rectum. Don't grind, just press. Making sure her clitoris is well lubricated, slowly twist your fingers in and out of her vagina. Gradually increase the pace. Maintain as much contact as possible with the clitoris itself, but you can expect to lose it occasionally. No problem--the lighter the pressure, the greater the intensity of her orgasm. Note: when she does come, very softly flick your thumb over her clitoris, barely moving it at all.
During orgasm, a woman's clitoris may disappear altogether but don't let that worry you. With a shudder of satisfaction, it merely snuggles down into the soft pink blossom of itself. Post-orgasm, the clitoris may be ultra-sensitive, too sensitive to touch. That being the case, cease all manual stimulation and use your big gun. (Editor's note: If you've agreed in advance to go all the way.) I imagine you'll get a very warm, wet reception. (A slight adaptation on this method is instead of twisting the two fingers that are inside the vagina in and out, simply curl them within her vagina toward her tummy and massage the G-spot.)
* There are few things more blissful than this particular technique when executed properly. The trick is to exert the right degree of pressure at the right time. Lubrication is the key.
* Wet two fingers inside your mouth or her mouth.
* Insert your fingers slowly but deeply inside her vagina. Simulate the rhythms of your penis but vary it--sometimes quickly, lightly; sometimes deeply, forcefully.
* Now very quickly slip your fingers out of her vagina and slide them over her clitoris. Use a light, fast pressure.
* Plunge them into her vagina again.
* Repeat, only this time prolong your contact with her clitoris.
There should be a slick highway between her vagina and her clitoris upon which your fingers swiftly travel. It's the combination of light pressure on her clitoris coupled with the powerful thrusting of your fingers that makes this so exciting. It's unexpected. When you feel her coming, pull out of her vagina and focus--softly, lightly--on her clitoris, barely moving at all. And once again, the clitoris being the sensitive, delicate organ that it is, don't continue to manipulate it once she's through. Give it a rest. (Then begin again, if you're game for it!)
* It's essential that your woman be relaxed. If she's uncomfortable or anxious, for any reason, the chances of bringing her to orgasm are very low.
Of course, the best way to help a woman relax is to lavish her with time and affection. One reason most women take so much longer to come to orgasm is that they can't relax without long, consistent physical intimacy. If a woman isn't having orgasms, spend more time with her in bed. Spend as much time as possible--in foreplay and in intercourse.
Remember, for most women to come to orgasm, the clitoris, not the vagina, has to be stimulated. In fact, the inner two thirds of the vagina are so insensitive that minor surgery can be performed there without anesthetic. But if most of the vagina is practically insensate, it bears repeating that the clitoris is often much too sensitive. Approach it indirectly at first and always carefully.
Also remember that most women come to orgasm more easily through manual and/or oral stimulation than through intercourse. So concentrate first on stimulating the clitoral shaft with your fingers and/or your tongue. It's also important to maintain stimulation as long as possible. If you do choose to have intercourse, the woman-on-top position gives her maximum control over the depth and pacing of the penetration, making orgasm easier to achieve for her. (Or, you might discover that your woman is the kind that reaches orgasm easier when the man's penis is inserted, so prolonged clitoral stimulation might be frustrating; ask her what she likes.)
* Here are a few general points and guidelines for both men and women regarding oral sex.
[Mama:] Since some people may have wondered over the years if oral sex for women is okay health-wise after what Dad said in the Letters, I want to round out his very good comments with the following points that I prayed about. I hope they're a blessing to you and give you the confidence to proceed according to your own faith.
First of all, oral sex is not wrong or "dirty"; it can be a beautiful, intimate, warm and loving experience. Many people find it exciting and a source of great pleasure.
However, just because oral sex is an option doesn't mean that it's an obligation. Oral sex isn't a requirement either for men or women. But if you take pleasure in it and you are with a partner who also enjoys it, then proceed prayerfully according to these general guidelines and according to your faith.
Just as with other aspects of love-making--kissing, caressing, masturbating, fucking--each person has varied likes and dislikes, each person is unique, and each person must go according to his or her own faith, pleasure and desire; so it is with oral sex. If you do, however, happen to choose oral sex, either for the man or the woman, you can proceed in faith, knowing and understanding that there is nothing wrong with it, nothing to be hidden or feared or embarrassed about. It's a natural part of lovemaking which the Lord has created.
As in any form of intimate sexual contact with another person, there are health risks with oral sex. We don't live in a perfect world and our bodies aren't yet in the Heavenly realm. Our bodies aren't perfectly clean, and the Enemy is constantly looking for a way to afflict, weaken and destroy us, the Lord's creation. And so, with lovemaking, as with many other things in our natural lives, we must seek His protection. Just as we pray over the food and water we drink, because we want to be healthy and whole in order to serve the Lord, it stands to reason that we should also pray over our lovemaking, asking the Lord to protect us and raise a standard against the Enemy and his afflictions.
Remember, when asked why is it okay for women to suck men but not men to suck women, Dad did not close the door on oral sex for a woman, but he did issue a warning, saying:
"It depends on what woman and what she's got or hasn't got!--VD symptoms on the male organ are usually much more obvious in the form of sores, etc., and therefore can be avoided. Whereas, a woman's sexual organs can conceal at least 20 kinds of sexual diseases extremely contagious in oral sex!" (ML#1566:93).
Our greatest defense against contracting any type of germ or affliction through oral sex specifically, or lovemaking in general, is prayer, but of course we must also follow common sense guidelines of cleanliness.
Before oral sex--and any form of love-making for that matter, including kissing and intercourse--make sure your body is clean, and that you have no obvious outward signs of illness. If you have no symptoms of illness, either in your mouth or your genitals, then proceed with prayer according to your faith.
Watchfulness, cleanliness, and prayerfulness are keys. Watch for any signs of affliction or sickness; anything that might indicate there is something amiss or off-balance in your system, either in your mouth or throat or penis or vagina.
If all seems well and normal, the next step is to make sure you are clean by bathing or showering, and by brushing your teeth. Gargling with salt water or some kind of antiseptic mouthwash might be good too. Then proceed prayerfully, by faith. (End of comments from Mama.)
If you have the faith and the desire, and you are careful and obedient to the health guidelines, oral sex can be a good substitute for fucking and can give much pleasure and satisfaction. It can also bring great intimacy and is a source of variety, but again, it is not a requirement for satisfying lovemaking and no one should feel forced or obligated to do anything they don't want to in this or any other area of sex. It's not to everyone's liking or taste.
* Oral sex does take getting used to, and though in some cases it may not be very appealing at first, if you are motivated out of love for your partner and a desire to please him or her, you may find that it's not as difficult as you expected and it's not as distasteful or unpleasant as you thought, and it can, in fact, even be exciting.
* If you are feeling sick or unwell in any way, then it would be wise to avoid oral sex; when your body is weak and run down and your resistance is low, you may not be able to resist the germs that you may encounter in the other's genitals, which under normal circumstances would not affect you adversely.
* There are always some bacteria present in the penis and vagina, even when you are as clean as possible, but if you are healthy, strong, and prayerful, they will not usually harm you. But if you are already sick or very run down, or not feeling well, then these bacteria may be able to take hold in other parts of your body, such as your mouth and throat, and cause problems.
Likewise, if you have any unusual symptoms in your penis or your vagina, any discharge, pain, itching, or anything that is out of the ordinary for you, then you would also want to avoid oral sex--or any partner sex for that matter--as it could indicate some sort of affliction or imbalance in your natural flora in those parts of your body.
But if you feel that all is well and you are generally healthy and strong, and if you're prayerful and careful with your cleanliness, then you can proceed by faith and trust the Lord, knowing that He has made oral sex for men and women as an option that is acceptable, good, and right in His eyes.
Do not perform oral sex on anyone if you have a cold sore (herpes) on your mouth. Dad warns: "One girl caught genital herpes after oral sex with her mate, since he had a herpes sore on his mouth when he was sucking her! So when in doubt, don't! The sores are extremely contagious! 'Love thy neighbor as thyself!' Mt.22:38-39" (ML#1315:51).
* As a general note regarding both men and women, it is hygienic and pleasant to have wine on hand to sip after engaging in oral sex.
* There is a slight misconception that comes with the use of the word "sucking" when referring to oral sex for either a woman or a man. Giving oral sex does not mean that you literally suck extensively on either the woman's clitoris or vagina, or on the man's penis. Most of the action is with the tongue in cunnilingus, and the mouth, tongue and hand in fellatio. While a man might put his tongue partway into the vagina at some point when giving oral sex to a woman, the idea is not that he sucks her vagina vigorously. Most of his attention is usually on the clitoris, which involves taking into his mouth very little of her juices. Likewise, a woman does not literally suck out the semen any more than she blows into the penis, as is suggested by the well known slang term "blow job." The man's body naturally releases the semen upon climaxing.
Oral Sex for Men:
(Note: Also known as fellatio.)
Dad says: "Oral sex [for the man] can be a very helpful alternative during menstruation, late pregnancy and difficulty in attaining an erection. Be sure the parts are clean and rinse your mouth with wine or liquor afterward" (ML #530:71).
* If you are a little shy about touching or masturbating your lover, you should both try to spend more time nude in front of each other so that you get more used to seeing that "little rascal" (the penis) and realize that it is not as harmful as it looks. Also, touch it often, even if you don't plan to masturbate it or suck it. At least getting used to the feel of it, the size, the smell, the reactions, etc., can be a turn-on that will help you no longer "fear the unknown."
There's nothing sinful or wrong, ladies, about liking a man's penis or looking at or studying its reaction. You can get to know it. Men should also talk about it, as that also will help the woman loosen up, since it's not usually an easy thing for women to start talking about penises and ask about it or be aggressive in that way. But if the man is open about it, then it just seems natural and she can more easily follow. So talking is good and can be stimulating, and it definitely helps get the worries or inhibitions out of the way.
Often couples have a pet name for the penis. Giving it a nickname can be fun and even make it more comfortable to discuss it.
* When a woman is very inexperienced at sex, her automatic reaction to oral sex might be, "Oh dear, you want me to put that in my mouth?!" So please be understanding and realize that oral sex takes some getting used to--the idea, the position, the taste, etc.
If a woman is in love, she will probably be more ready and willing to try oral sex, because she will have more utter abandonment to please her lover, even if it means some slight sacrifice on her part. But even when a woman has strong feelings for the man, she will probably either prefer to forego this act in the beginning, or otherwise will likely start out with a "grin and bear it" attitude to a certain extent, until she gets used to performing oral sex.
For this reason, it's best to be gentle in your requests for oral sex. If you are demanding, or the woman feels obligated to do something she doesn't really want to do, it can be a very big turn-off! In fact, she can even be completely repulsed by it, especially if she's new at it. A demanding attitude can virtually ruin your time together.
Sometime when you are not having sex, you might try some positive, intimate talks about oral sex. Discussing the subject outside of the bed, when she doesn't feel she has to immediately "perform," might help her to warm up to the idea.
* Also, men, you should not expect her to swallow your semen. This is something that she might enjoy with time. Of course, maybe some women will like it right away and it won't be a big deal, but others will need time. Some women never acquire a taste for that part of oral sex.
* Men, be sure to express a lot of appreciation to the woman while she is sucking you, as that alone can make the extra effort worthwhile. Communicate how you are feeling so that she is not "on her own down there" for a long time while you are silent and have your eyes closed.
In spite of how much most men enjoy oral sex, it's important for men to realize that it's often very difficult for the woman to get used to, especially if she is very inexperienced in sex. It's important to go by her feelings and desires in this matter. If you suggest it and sense that she is reluctant, no matter how much you desire it, it's better to drop the subject and find something else to do.
* A surprising number of men say they don't like to be sucked so there's no need to try it, or they'll reluctantly have you try it but they give up soon. This could indicate that they have not been sucked the right way before, or they worry they are putting you out and that you are only doing it sacrificially. You can put them at ease, ladies, by learning to really love a man's penis.
* Two important factors that greatly contribute to a woman wanting to suck a man are hygiene and comfort. Please remember, men, if you look and smell nice and squeaky clean all over, it invites the woman to want to love and kiss and suck you all the more. Comfort and relaxation are very important for both of you. Without either one you can become tired and distracted by an uncomfortable position for yourself or your partner.
* A woman elaborates on the subject of hygiene in her own words: "Oral sex for me involves all the senses, it's the sight, the feel, the taste and the smell. You can just tell when a man has taken real care to wash his penis very well, it almost shines when it's hard, and it certainly feels and smells and tastes good. There's just something real sexy about it when I know the man has been taking extra special care to wash it well; it almost calls out to be sucked. But, boy, it's the opposite on the erotic scale if it's smelly! I'm sure men can say the same to us women, too."
* The man can lie on his back, on a pillow, while the woman positions herself between his legs, sitting on her folded legs, or up on her knees. She may support herself by her elbows, or with her arm laid across the man's pelvic area.
* If the woman is tired, she can lie diagonally and put her head on the man's tummy, which is a very comfortable position to maintain while sucking him.
* You may like to have the man sit comfortably in a chair and the woman on her knees padded by a cushion on the floor. This way he is totally supported and relaxed, and she can suck him in a better, more upright position.
* A woman gives this technique suggestion: "It helps greatly, ladies, to take advantage of the prostrate gland which helps to make the man's penis erect. One way to do this is to firmly secure the fingers of one hand around the base of the penis (near the balls), while the thumb firmly grips from under the balls. This does not hurt the man; it excites him, as you press the fingers and thumb together firmly around the whole base of the penis and balls. This helps a soft penis become erect as you then suck it from the head down the shaft some and up again. Meanwhile, your free hand can be holding and stimulating the shaft of the penis as you suck the head, making sure to apply more pressure as your hand comes up around the head.
"You may like to begin by kissing or licking the head, even running your tongue around the head, for stimulation. The part where the skin gathers right under the head of the penis is extra sensitive to the flick of your pointed tongue. This foreplay, along with the right kind of grip, whether around the whole penis area and balls or just with one hand sliding up and down the penis as you suck it, helps the man to build up to an orgasm.
* The man can help the experience of oral sex to be much more enjoyable by directing a little. He may move her hand to where he likes it best, or give verbal guidance, like "tighter with your hand, a little faster, keep going," etc.
* The man can play with your nipples as you suck him, and this can arouse you both simultaneously.
* Ladies, once you establish a steady rhythm and know the man is feeling good, keep at it! Men, be sure to tell her if you want her to keep going, as if the woman doesn't get the signal that she's pleasing you, she will naturally change methods or stop.
* Swallowing semen can be one of the most intimate, satisfying, and erotic things you'll ever do for your lover. Almost every man derives intense fulfillment from having a sexy woman swallow his semen with obvious pleasure. Semen is composed mainly of protein and sugars; it's completely natural and utterly harmless (as long as you know it's healthy.) However, if you have a problem with the taste, or it's unpleasant or difficult for you then you can just think of his semen as a tasty, intimate gift and swallow it all in one gulp; that way it bypasses most of your taste buds. Most important, look and act as if you loved it! Otherwise the whole effect is ruined and he'll feel uncomfortably self-conscious.
* It helps greatly for the man to say when he is about to come. This helps to prepare the woman for the semen, and gives her the opportunity to decide whether she will catch it in her mouth or hand. It also signals her to keep sucking, that you're getting close.
* If you just can't get into the idea of swallowing semen, there are ways to avoid it while still giving him the pleasure of having an orgasm while in your mouth. Without making a big deal of it, just hold the semen in your mouth and make an elegant exit to the bathroom to spit it out. Or have a washcloth or tissue handy, turn away for a moment, and unobtrusively empty his semen into it. Or you can let the semen go in your mouth but then just let it trickle out again, as you continue sucking. In other words, it can go in your mouth, but that doesn't mean you have to swallow it or hold it in your mouth. You can let it flow out (over his penis and your hand) as quickly as it flows in. You could also remove your mouth at the very last second, taking over completely with your hand.
* If you are not concerned with the taste of the semen, but are afraid of gagging, you can simply not take the penis too far into your mouth so the semen doesn't hit the back of your throat which is what causes the involuntary gagging. Or you can teach yourself to close off the back of your mouth. This will ensure that the semen doesn't shoot down your throat.
If you wish and feel the need to do so, you can practice bringing the back of your tongue and posterior wall of your throat together while you squirt a water pistol into the back of your mouth. After some practice, you should be able to figure out how to prevent the water from going down your throat while you are able to breathe comfortably. Then you can do the same thing during oral sex.
* If even the idea of taking the semen into your mouth is distasteful to you, you don't have to worry. You don't have to take it that far if you'd rather not, and it can still be enjoyable for the man. You can simply ask him to tell you when he is about to come, then remove your mouth at that point and continue with your hands, or breasts. (Even if he doesn't tell you, you soon notice that sometimes there's a certain point at which you can tell that he's about to come. The penis gets a bit harder and feels more "full.") (Editor: Or use one of the other methods mentioned in the section of this publication called "Non-fucking Positions" if you have decided not to have intercourse.)
* As a woman gains more sexual experience, she will probably be willing and able to perform oral sex on a man even if she isn't in love with him or doesn't have particularly strong emotional feelings or sexual attraction for him. It does become much more pleasurable for the woman with time--usually because she derives vicarious pleasure from the man's enjoyment.
* It has been said: "Oral sex [for men] is more than just sexual pleasure--it's complete acceptance. For men, receiving oral sex is a favorite sexual activity. The secret lies not in knowing that men love it, but in understanding why it gives them so much pleasure.
"For some women, performing oral sex initially creates anxiety and discomfort. But many women may find that they'll overcome their discomfort by considering this: Not only is a man's penis the most sensitive and vulnerable part of his body, it is also the outward sign of his maleness and identity. As a result, having oral sex performed on him makes a man feel totally received and accepted.
"No woman should ever do something she finds sexually objectionable. But in understanding what oral sex means to a man, perhaps you'll be able to view it differently. There may be times when you feel comfortable loving your partner this way, and times when you don't. Either way, the two of you should discuss how you both feel about giving and receiving oral sex. Such a conversation is an important step in creating more sexual intimacy between you."
* Some men can't achieve orgasm through oral sex. If a man needs a lot of motion to be able to ejaculate, he may find the sucking motion too slow. But it can still be pleasurable for him. If he can't come through oral sex, don't worry about it, or feel like you are failing.
* Oral sex can be a lot of fun when used as part of foreplay. Maybe you'd rather not suck the guy all the way, but you can suck him for a little while and have a lot of fun with it.
* One woman offers this example of what she likes to do when she and her partner are both in the mood for a longer, more drawn out sexual experience. This isn't practical nor is it even that appealing for the man every time, as sometimes he prefers that you get down to some "hot sex" pretty quickly, but at other times, the following description might be just the kind of delicious sensual encounter that your man is wanting: "I like to maximize the experience when I suck a guy. I don't just take the penis and start sucking it immediately. I try to build up to it very slowly, teasing him. Sometimes I start by kissing my way down, kissing his neck, then moving slowly to his chest, then his stomach, etc., while caressing his penis, or stroking the insides of his thighs at the same time. Then sometimes when I'm almost down to his penis, I'll start kissing and stroking my way back up. Or when you get to the penis, you can skip over it, and move to his legs, kissing them, or the insides of his thighs. I like to go slowly and make it exciting, to where he's wondering, 'Is she going to, or is she not?' Then by the time I get around to it, he's really ready and wants it bad!
"When I get close to his penis, I like to keep my hands busy, either caressing the insides of his thighs, or fondling his testicles, or gently massaging his penis. Sometimes you can gently breathe or blow across his penis. I like to start by softly kissing his penis, the head, the shaft, etc., then move to soft licking, almost like you were deep kissing. The head is the most sensitive part in most men, so at the beginning I concentrate on that, running my tongue around it, all kinds of different ways, and slowly work up to where I take the penis into my mouth. Then I put my hand around what doesn't fit in my mouth, and we are ready to start in earnest!"
* When speaking of the best oral sex they've ever had, men invariably mention that it was the woman's passion about what she was doing that made it so outstanding. "I could tell she really loved licking my penis, and it made me feel special." "She was even more excited than I was. I had to beg her to stop." "She made me feel like my penis was the tastiest lollipop she'd ever had in her mouth, and she was savoring every lick."
Once again, attitude is everything. You must really want to pleasure him this way; you must know that you can. Develop a passion for that extraordinary and mysterious piece of equipment that dangles between his legs. Show him with your excitement that you crave the feel of his penis in your mouth. Relish it. Treat it like a beautiful and sacred tool of pleasure. Delight in his masculinity, and he will delight in your femininity.
* Focus on your task. Don't let your attention or your passion wander. This keeps the intensity high.
* Continuous movement: Do everything continuously, smoothly, and evenly. No sudden jerking or abrupt shifts. Keep the action and the juices flowing.
* Really hot oral sex takes caring and preparation. Look at his gorgeous, hard erection and savor the thought that now you're actually going to get to taste, kiss, and suck it, like an ice cream cone! And he's gonna love it.
Stroke his penis lovingly with your hands and let him anticipate the coming attraction. Remember, the brain is the hottest erogenous zone. Tell him how sexy his penis is and how hot it makes you. Tell him just what you're going to do to it.
Start by licking the head of his penis. Find the ridge that runs down the underside and run your tongue along it and across it. Point your tongue and flick it over the ridge between the head and the shaft. (This is usually his most sensitive spot.) While this is going on, you should stroke the rest of his penis, his thighs, stomach--anywhere--with your free hand.
Visualize your mouth as a very imaginative and agile vagina. Then open your mouth, cover your teeth with your lips (so you won't hurt him), and slide his penis slowly inside. Let it rest on your tongue. Now move your head up and down smoothly and continuously. (Don't hinder his enjoyment and your concentration by stopping and starting!) Remember to keep your teeth covered and increase your speed gradually.
Put your hand around the base of his penis and move it up and down in rhythm with the movement of your mouth. They should both go up and down together. While he's in your mouth, you can also wiggle your tongue back and forth across his quivering shaft and probe into the slit on the top. Delicious!
* Here are several imaginative ideas for pleasuring your man in this way:
* Gently lick his testicles and take them one at a time into your mouth. Move your tongue languidly around each one. This is very erotic for him and it's likely that very few women (if any) will have delighted him this way. Be very careful when touching or sucking his testicles as they're very sensitive and too much pressure can be painful. (Some men's testicles are so sensitive that any such activities will be painful. Go very slow the first time you try this on a guy, and don't be offended if he would rather you didn't touch them.)
* After kissing his penis from shaft to head, push the head of his penis around the shape of your lips several times, as though you were putting your favorite shade of lipstick on.
* With a very small opening between your lips, push the head of his penis slowly into your mouth. Stop before the head is fully inside and do this two or three times--it feels as though he's entering a virgin and is very exciting.
* That small area between his scrotum and anus, the perineum, is very sensitive to tongue work, too. It's so sensitive, in fact, that you may want to start with a few very gentle licks and hold his thighs down (or up) to protect yourself from his rapturous writhing.
* Another great tongue trick is to move it in circles around and around his penis while it slides merrily up and down. Not easy but worth it. Occasionally, you can just suck on him like a piece of hard candy. Use your other hand to caress his inner thighs, scrotum, perineum, tummy, or whatever you can reach.
* Lightly massage his perineum while sucking his penis. But watch out that this doesn't make him come sooner than you want him to!
* Hold his penis in your mouth by sucking firmly and shake your head at the same time. This gives him a nice little tingle.
* For an extra added taste treat, eat a banana, peach, berries, orange, or other juicy fruit while eating him. Rub the juice all over his penis and lick it off, or simply keep the food in your mouth while you give him a fruity genital kiss.
* Coat his penis with honey, jam, maple syrup, cream, or melted chocolate (cooled off a little) and lap it up. Yum!
* Try using a strong mint-flavored mouthwash just before you get into bed. Your tangy tongue and mouth on his delicate penile skin will cause quite a sensation.
* In the middle of the night, wake him up with your tantalizing tongue.
* Hum while you have his penis in your mouth. The vibrations feel divine.
* Use your mouth like a tiny vacuum cleaner, sucking the penis into your mouth until it is inserted about half way; then, still exerting the vacuum pressure, slowly start to slide the penis from your mouth. This double pulling action can be very exciting. This technique is also helpful if he hasn't attained a full erection.
* For some men, receiving oral sex while standing or kneeling is one of the most ecstatic sensations he can experience. His upright position apparently intensifies the exquisite pressure in his penis. Play around with the best positions for this to accommodate your respective heights; he kneels on the edge of the bed and you kneel on the floor, or he stands on the bed or a chair and you stand on the floor, or he kneels on the floor and you sit on the floor with your legs wrapped around his knees. (What a view for him!) Caress his legs, inner thighs, buttocks, and stomach as you suck him passionately. Rub your nipples against his legs. Stop occasionally to tell him how gorgeous his erection is and how hot it's making you.
Oral Sex for Women:
(Note: also known as cunnilingus.)
When discussing oral sex for women Dad has commented: "Great!--If she likes it.--It really turns some women on!--And some men too! But I wouldn't say it's for everybody.--'To each his own.'" (ML #539:25)
* Men's basic fear about cunnilingus is that vaginal juices will be unpleasant to smell or taste. And, in fact, just as some men's semen tastes more bitter or more sour than others', some women's juices are stronger than others.
* Men think it makes women feel uneasy and therefore wait for the woman to ask. But the women don't ask for it--partly because they don't like to initiate this particular sexual activity, and partly because they think men find cunnilingus distasteful. Therefore, it's up to the man to reassure her that he does in fact want to perform cunnilingus. That he's doing it for himself as well as for her.
If you've never performed oral sex before, you're missing out on one of the joys of sex. If you're skittish, just take it slowly. You can make sure she's fresh by suggesting a bath together--before you go to bed. Then, go one step at a time. For one thing, don't begin with a new lover. You're much better off trying it for the first time with someone you're easy with, and just as important, someone who feels comfortable with having you perform oral sex.
* "I like intercourse," a female said. "But what I really like is when he caresses me with his fingers or with his tongue. It's so pleasurable in so many ways. It helps you relax, it's psychologically reassuring, it helps lubricate the vagina, and it can help focus on the crucial areas--especially the clitoris. So many men think all women care about is how long he keeps his erection during intercourse. If a man really knows how to use his fingers and his tongue, I'd almost be willing to forgo intercourse altogether."
Our culture puts so much emphasis on penetrating that most men aren't aware that penetration is not the best way to give a woman an orgasm. Most women require stimulation of the clitoris in order to achieve orgasm, and penetration--regardless of the position--is not the best way to stimulate the clitoris. The fingers and the tongue are far more effective tools: they can be directed more accurately and controlled more fully.
According to The Hite Report on Female Sexuality, only 30 percent of women can achieve orgasm by penetration alone. Hite also reported that orgasms achieved during genital intercourse are "light," "less pulsing," and "gentler" than orgasms achieved during masturbation, oral sex, or some other noncoital method.
* Few things feel more exquisitely erotic for a woman than having a man perform oral sex on her after having drunk a very hot beverage. Or a very cold one. Perhaps you can vary the temperature, thereby discovering which one she likes best. You will need to keep the drink handy so you can maintain the extreme hotness or coldness, but for heaven's sake, don't use ice cubes directly on her genital area! Most women, in fact, prefer the hot beverage to the cold; the chill tends to numb their full range of sensation.
* Be gentle. Teeth will hurt her just as much as they hurt you - probably more. Vary your activity. Kiss generously, suck gently, and use your tongue inventively: lick, prod, rub.
* Start by giving her a few soft kisses along her thighs, moving slowly but steadily toward the genital area. Although the clitoris is your main goal, don't concentrate on it in the beginning as it can be irritating and even painful. Kiss the entire vaginal area, giving special attention to the labia*. Only when the vagina is wet should you approach the clitoris. Be sure to give at least as much attention to the clitoral shaft* as to the clitoris itself. If the clitoris continues to be sensitive, approaching it indirectly by licking the clitoral shaft is a way to avoid giving pain in the effort to give pleasure. (*To find the clitoral shaft, start at the clitoris and move your finger or tongue upward (toward her tummy) very slightly.) The friction of a tongue will bring some women to orgasm long before a penis has entered the scene, and many women find it a more intense orgasm. (*la·bi·a 1. Any of four folds of tissue (or lips) of the female external genitalia.)
* Oh ho ho! Won't you be popular after mastering this technique! A more sublime distillation of erotic impulses was never conceived.
* Keeping your tongue hard and pointed, slide as much of it as you can inside her vagina. Move it around - back and forth, up and down, not necessarily in and out. Your tongue, unlike your fingers, is double-jointed, so wiggle it as much as possible.
* Now keeping your lips away from the clitoris itself and keeping your tongue pointed, "wag" your head from side to side (as though you were saying no). Starting from the vagina, slowly guide your tongue up toward her clitoris and back down again.
* Insert your tongue back into her vagina. Then make your way to the clitoris, stopping this time to stimulate it more fully. You should now take your fingers and work them into her vagina while your tongue is stimulating her clitoris.
* Switch. Now it's your finger that is lightly brushing her clitoris while your tongue is working its magic inside her vagina.
* Continue switching until she approaches orgasm. Bring her to orgasm with your tongue only. Remember: a light pressure side to side is enough to do the trick.
* If you can perform this smoothly, without a lot of forced or jerky movement, all will proceed satisfactorily. Linger at least thirty seconds at each "station" before switching. At the moment of truth, keep your tongue barely twitching on her clitoris and your fingers inside. And watch the fireworks sizzle!
You can try gently pulling her clitoris into your mouth with a sucking motion. This feels exquisitely wonderful to some women. Others may find it uncomfortable.
* Performing oral sex well is not easy for many men. No matter how often you've done it, every woman is built different and every woman reacts different. Doing the same thing can send one woman to the heavenlies, make another one uncomfortable, and put a third to sleep.
Because you can't know for sure in advance what will feel good and what won't, you have to pay especially close attention to the woman's reactions. Start out gently and search for the right response. If she's enjoying it, she'll respond. Her breathing will speed up, her hold will tighten, her body will push toward you, encouraging you to continue. As she becomes aroused, the pushing may become more rapid and thrust-like. Be careful not to go too far or to exert too much pressure. Time the movements of your tongue to follow the rhythm of her thrusts.
* If you want to try oral sex, and give her major pleasure, just make sure of three things: 1. She is both relaxed and aroused; 2. She is warm; 3. She is comfortable with you.
* Although the tongue has the central role in oral sex, there's no reason not to use your hands too. You can stroke her clitoris while you're kissing her thighs, or massage her thighs while tonguing her clitoris. One woman confided to me that she becomes almost delirious when her lover inserts a few fingers in her vagina, then rubs the wetness across her clitoris, then stimulates her clitoris with his tongue as he inserts his fingers back into her vagina.
* A woman says: "It's nice if the guy makes a point of rinsing his mouth afterwards with wine or mouth wash. If he has been in me with his tongue I definitely feel more comfortable kissing him afterwards if he's rinsed his mouth. Wine or mouth wash is best, but even water helps if those are not available."
* If for some reason you prefer not to swallow the woman's juices, you can just let your saliva run out during the act; this will keep the woman lubricated at the same time. (If you do this, however, the bed gets a spot wet, so a towel underneath the woman comes in handy. In fact, a towel under the woman is recommended for many sexual activities, if you can swing it!)
In the Act:
* Isn't it wonderful that God made other ways to achieve orgasm aside from intercourse? Using hands and mouth are some ways, as you have just read. (See sections on masturbation and oral sex.) But there are other things that you can experiment with as well. Sometimes it can be nice to break out of a routine and try something new. Here are some different ideas, fun positions and activities that can be used in your sexual fellowship. Some may work for you and some may not. You can try them and see.
A lot of lovemaking positions can be adapted so that you aren't fucking, but by using the fucking motion, and having the penis on the outside of the vagina, without penetrating, you can sometimes both reach orgasm. You can experiment and see what, if anything, works for you. You'll probably need extra lubrication for most of these positions, and will want to have tissues or something handy for the semen.
* Also, please be aware that some of these following positions put the penis in very close proximity to the vaginal opening. Throughout foreplay, before ejaculation, there is a slight secretion of semen from the penis. So, a word to the wise: If you want to be 100% sure of not getting pregnant, don't get the penis too close to the opening of the vagina. It only takes one eager little sperm to make his way up inside you, and bingo! He's hit the jackpot. It's been known to happen on more than a few occasions, so please keep this in mind when experimenting with the following non-fucking options.
* Lay side-by-side in the "spoon" position, both facing the same direction. The man can put his penis between the woman's legs, and move it in and out. The woman can reach down and hold his penis against her vagina. Sometimes simply the back and forth motion is enough to bring both the man and/or the woman to orgasm. Or the penis can be between the woman's thighs, not quite up so close to the vaginal opening, and the man can reach around and masturbate the woman at the same time. A variation of this position is with the woman standing and bracing her arms against a wall, with the man standing behind her. In this position, it helps if the woman crosses her legs at the ankles.
* The woman can sit astride the man with her vagina resting on the underside of his penis; she pushes back and forth, while holding his penis between her vaginal lips (this can feel very nice for her and she may even be able to come this way,) and/or caressing the end of his penis with her thumbs and fingers. (You may not get up to speed to bring the man to orgasm, but this is also a nice foreplay variation.)
* If a man has a penis that stands straight out when erect, this semi-missionary position is a good one to try. (If the penis lays against the body when erect, it may be difficult to keep from penetrating in this position.) The woman lies on her back, closes her legs and crosses her feet at the ankles. The man gets on top of the woman, with his legs over hers, and puts his penis in between her legs, right up against the vagina. He may have to ride a little higher than he would if they were having intercourse in order to get the position right to keep up the momentum. In this position, if you use it all the way till the man climaxes, you'll want to have a towel or something underneath the woman's bottom to keep the semen from soiling the bed sheets.
Or you can do it vice-versa. This position works best if the penis lays against the body when erect. The man lies on his back with his legs together and the woman lies flat on top of him, with her legs over his, her weight resting on her elbows and her vagina riding on his penis. If the woman likes to masturbate herself while lying on her stomach, she may find this position very pleasing. As she's lying on top of the man, the man's hands are free to caress her back, or hold her by the bottom, helping her with the back and forth movement.
* The woman can lie on her stomach with the man lying on top of her; both facing the bed, in other words. The woman can reach down between her legs and hold the man's penis close to her vagina as he moves back and forth. In this position the woman would probably be able to catch most of the semen with her hand, but you may want to have a towel or something underneath you just in case.
* Breasts can also be used to bring a man to orgasm. Some men especially like this because of the softness of the breasts. The woman can either lie on her back, supported somewhat with pillows, while the man is straddled over her, with his penis between her breasts, or the man can be lying on his back with the woman between his legs, with her breasts over his penis.
If the woman is lying on her back, she can hold her breasts together to make a more tight-fitting space for the penis. If the man is on his back, the woman is between his legs with her breasts hanging over his penis. He presses her breasts around his penis while she rocks back and forth (with lubricant, if you wish). This way he gets maximum cleavage, and such a view! (Men, let her know she's one of the wildest, sexiest women you know.)
This concept doesn't have to be limited to only women with very large breasts, although if you are smaller you might need to combine more hand action as well. Just the thought of his penis between your breasts will be exciting for your man.
* The man can lie on top of the woman, supporting himself with his arms, with his penis sandwiched between the woman's lubricated stomach and his own body. The friction caused by the two bodies moving together, coupled with being able to kiss at the same time, makes this option very pleasurable.
You can also use this technique when the woman is lying beside the man and manually stimulating him with either hands or mouth; when he is very near orgasm, he can roll on top of her and finish it off with his own momentum, using the above technique.
With the same idea in mind, the woman can lie on her stomach and the man lying on her back can move his penis back and forth between the lubricated cheeks of her buttocks, and he can kiss her neck and back. He can also reach around and stimulate her clitoris or breasts, if the woman raises herself with her arms, or she can stimulate herself.
* Similar to the idea of the semi-missionary position, the man can move lower down and rest the underside of his penis between the woman's lubricated vaginal lips, moving back and forth, but not bringing the man's penis down far enough to slip inside the woman. Men, don't try this one unless you have very good self-control. This is a nice one when you can't fuck during your period too, as the woman can do it wearing a tampon.
* A married woman offers this alternative to intercourse. Although it's a bit of a trick to master it, she said that it can work for men who have a hard time coming without actual intercourse. The woman lies on her back and positions one or more pillows down long-ways and rests her back on them. Her knees are up with feet spread and resting on the bed. (You definitely need a towel under your bottom). (If you can't visualize the position, just lay on the bed and do it.) She lubricates her hand with K-Y jelly and reaching her arm under her bottom, holds it in the shape of a hollowed fist as close as possible to her vagina. And basically the man can "fuck" her hand. (If this sounds unnecessarily complicated, remember, you're simulating intercourse, so if the guy felt your arm between your bodies, it would lessen the effect.) She can also support herself with her other arm on the bed. The fact that it's pretty much the same position as intercourse is what makes this successful. The pillows are good for leverage and it's important for your bottom to be elevated somewhat off the bed, so that the head of his penis doesn't touch the sheets, which would break the illusion of intercourse. Lots of lubrication is important, and hold tight.
"All The Way" Positions:
Missionary position: This is when two people are making love face-to-face, the woman lying on her back with the man on top. The missionary position has much to recommend it. Many men prefer the orgasms they have in this position because they can achieve the best control over the depth and pace of their thrusting. (However, in this position men often climax more quickly.) If a couple wants to have a child, the position is particularly conducive to conception. It's one of the few positions where couples can really hug, kiss, talk to each other, and feel each other's bodies.
The position actually permits a high degree of penetration, since the woman can regulate the degree of penetration by raising or lowering her legs. There can be comfortable insertion with the woman's legs down, even when a woman is not fully aroused, and the vagina has not yet 'ballooned.' As she gets more excited and the vagina expands, she can raise her knees for deeper penetration.
To spice things up, a (flexible) woman can put her ankles on her partner's shoulders (thus affording maximum penetration) or spread her legs as far apart as possible.
Another variation if you're not quite flexible enough to have your legs straight up, is to hold the same position, only with the man kneeling between her legs and instead of her legs extending straight up, they bend at the knees (so her lower legs and feet are on either side of his torso or waist), and the man holds her ankles or under her knees as he thrusts. This is nice if the man is heavy, as her legs take his weight and he can also control the thrusting more, thereby giving her greater pleasure.
Improving the position: The problem for women during missionary-style intercourse is the lack of stimulation to the clitoris. Most women need clitoral stimulation in order to climax. Touching your partner's clitoris may be like doing a one-arm push-up at first, but you'll quickly get the knack of it. The trick is to put your thumb (your wet thumb) above or beside her clitoris, not directly on it. You don't need to move it at all. The movement of your body will do the work for you.
If you don't particularly like the idea of stimulating her manually during intercourse, she can stimulate herself. A lot of men have a problem with their partner masturbating during intercourse, which is unfortunate because it can free them up to enjoy other things--their partner's breasts, for instance. Self-stimulation is a good idea some of the time. What's great is you can watch (very exciting) and learn the way she touches herself. The next time, you can do it yourself.
Woman on top: All your favorite things and you've got a front-row seat! As the name implies, the man is lying on his back and the woman is on top, either lying on top of the man, or sitting or kneeling with her legs astride his hips. This position allows the woman to determine the rhythm of lovemaking, which can often make a vital difference for her. It also opens the vagina wider to allow deeper penetration. It frees your hands to caress her body and, especially, her breasts. Also, because the woman is on top, she can regulate the depth, firmness, and frequency of penetration. That can be not only exciting to a woman, but also reassuring since it puts her in control.
She can pivot around and face your feet if she chooses, or she can balance her weight on the balls of her feet. If she's extremely flexible, she can do the splits over your penis.
She can also sit or kneel on top of the man, with her legs astride him, while he sits in a comfortable chair.
Improving the position: You can improve this position the same way you can improve missionary-style intercourse: by stimulating her clitoris. In this position, it's a cinch to locate. Many women find it easier to climax on top, so here's an opportunity to maximize. A note here on stimulating a woman's clitoris with your finger: most men rub too hard. The important thing is to keep your finger well lubricated, use an extremely light pressure (unless otherwise directed), and move your finger side to side.
Because the position of the woman kneeling or sitting on top of the man permits the two of you to look at each other's bodies during intercourse, many women consider it the most visually erotic position. However, some women complain that the woman-on-top position makes them feel ill at ease because their entire body is exposed. You can ease her initial embarrassment, gentlemen, simply by closing your eyes the first few times. And don't forget to tell her how great she looks.
* Comment from a first generation woman: "At first I wasn't sure that the size of a man's penis didn't make much difference, because I could not manage to climax when fucking till quite recently, after about 22 years of sex! I realize now that the key was to learn and experiment with how to position my hips and bottom in order to benefit most from the action of the penis.
"I have learned it helps both me and my partner to feel much more pleasure if I put a pillow under my tummy when lying face down, or when on my back, to pull my legs up and hold them by the knees, or my feet high and hold the ankles, and then I really explode! It also sends me right over the edge to a tremendous orgasm if the man gently touches my nipples right at the height of feeling--it excites us both so that we often climax together!"
Spooning: Picture two spoons nestled back-to-front in a drawer--hence the name. The scenario: You're both on your sides facing the same direction, with her in front of you. She parts her legs and --voila! In you go. You can reach across and feel her breasts or stimulate her clitoris. Or both. This is possibly the only comfortable position for pregnant women.
Improving the position: When copulating, most men thrust in and out, in and out like pistons in an engine. Far better to move slowly but forcefully. That means drawing your penis out very slowly, pausing half a second, then driving it home again hard. A lot of men forget how exciting it can be when they vary their rhythm (or the depth of their penetration). I recommend you try this with all positions, not just spooning. Sometimes it's nice to start out in a spoon, then proceed to doggie-style with your partner lying flat on her stomach, or being up on her knees. (But do not use the doggie position for pregnant women, the penetration is too deep to be safe!)
* Few men use the full potential of their penises. They don't move as enthusiastically as women wish. So next time, pull out almost all the way until just the head of your penis is still inside of her before plunging in again. Or … penetrate as far as you can go, moving deeply within her. Ideally, you might alternate. The trick is to vary your movements and to maximize your size. And few things are sexier than a man truly enjoying his own sexuality.
The Woman on Her Stomach (aka doggie style): The woman lies on her stomach (with a pillow under her if she wants) and you enter her vagina from behind. Although some women are wild about this position, some don't like it because they can't face you; the visual intimacy is lost. But many women find the pleasures of this position irresistible. For one thing, it permits you to begin with back and neck caresses and kisses. More important, you can penetrate farther and more firmly than you can in the missionary position. This position lends itself to stimulating the G-spot. It also frees your hands during intercourse to stimulate her clitoris. The combination of vigorous pelvic thrusts and gentle fingering sends many women into an ecstasy of repeated orgasms.
Other variations of the doggie style: You both begin by standing, facing the same direction. The woman stands next to a high surface, such as a table, a counter, and bends over, resting her weight on the table, counter etc. The man enters her vagina from behind.
Also, the man and woman can both kneel, facing the bed or a chair, the woman leans over, resting the weight of her upper body on the bed or chair, and the man enters her vagina from behind.
Woman on her back, Man alongside: This variation was suggested by a woman who had discovered it was a delightful way for her partner to stimulate her to orgasm as she enjoyed his penis inside her. He doesn't come quickly this way either--an added advantage. She lies on her back with one knee raised, while he lies on his side facing her and bends his lower half toward her. She then places her leg closest to him over his middle, allowing him to insert his penis. His lower arm can be under her, and his other hand can be free to caress her breasts and body and clitoris, as he's thrusting his penis in and out. (If you can't picture that, you might need to just try it with someone, step by step. You'll get the picture.)
Variation: Make it more of an upside-down T-shape. He's on his side, she on her back with both legs over his thighs. She can then even pivot a bit more to where her legs are leaning on his chest or over his shoulder.
Man and Woman Standing: This is a face-to-face position. Depending on the height of the two people involved, the woman may need to stand on something, a phone book or little stool, to help "the connection" to work. This position works well in the shower, as long as there is a way for the woman to brace herself while the man engages in his thrusting position. (Editor: But please be extra careful and prayerful in the shower. Accidents can happen on the slippery surfaces!)
Woman Sitting, Man Standing: The woman sits on the edge of a medium-high surface, such as a table or countertop. The man is standing and enters her face to face. Ideally find a spot where the woman can lean back so that she will be comfortable while he thrusts. She can lock her ankles around his back too.
Side by Side: The man and woman lie on their sides facing each other, and the man enters the woman. You have to have your legs intertwined to get sufficient penetration. This one might take some experimentation. And remember, men, not to rest the full weight of your leg on top of the woman as it gets very heavy very quickly and can be quite a distraction.
Legs over the shoulders: The man is on top and the woman underneath, but her legs are propped over his shoulders. This allows for very deep penetration. Can be done with woman lying on counter and man standing beside the edge also.
Getting Carried Away: The man (a very strong man) is standing in a semi-bent position, so he has a lap, and he holds the woman up on his lap, facing him, with her ankles dangling behind his waist and his arms under her knees. She is in the air, buoyed up by his arms, his lap, and the erect penis. He moves her up and down, lifting her.
A variation of this is that the man kneels on the bed instead of standing, holding the woman in the same position.
The Lap-Sit: The man kneels. The woman kneels in from of him, with her back to the man, on his erect penis. He holds her closely and moves her in a thrusting action. He can stimulate her clitoris with one hand for an especially tantalizing effect.
Another variation to this is the man cross-legged or kneeling with the woman facing him and sitting on his lap with her legs wrapped around his waist. (This variation can also be done with the man sitting in a comfortable chair.)
* There's just something about having a penis inside that can drive a woman wild. It's both a sexual impulse and a procreative one. Your penis is, for our purposes at least, primarily an instrument of pleasure. So when you are fully erect, try the following:
Fully lubricating your partner's vagina, use your hand to press the head of your penis against her clitoris. Try a circular motion as opposed to a side-to-side or up-and-down motion (or the head of your penis, being hard, will ride roughshod over the clitoris instead of smoothly gliding).
Slide it down to her vagina, effect no penetration, then slide it back again.
Repeat steps number one and number two several times before actually penetrating her vagina with the head of your penis. Just the head, no further.
When finally entering her vagina fully, vary the depths of your thrusts and the forcefulness with which you administer them.
A word to the wise: Contrary to previously stated advice, a firm pressure against her clitoris is recommended here. Why? The movement, in order to be effective, must be continuous. Not bumpy. So the more pressure you exert against the clitoris the less likely you are to "skip" across your plane of resistance. This technique will eventually drive both you and her absolutely crazy, so when you're ready to go for the gusto, place your thumb lightly against her clitoris and plumb her depths. No mercy here: really do it like you mean it. It'll be one for the record books.
The Seesaw: Sex doesn't get any better than this. You will master this one handily providing your aim is true. To wit:
* If you haven't already noticed (!), there's a very sensitive vein that runs up the underside of your penis. When your partner is fully lubricated, with you on top straddling her, place that delicious part of your penis against her clitoris. Thrust up.
* Now--without using your hands--thrust gently down into her vagina. Withdraw and thrust up against her clitoris.
* Repeat as many times as desired. Most people can only take so much of this before going completely insane.
The trick of it is to know exactly where your partner's vagina is in relation to her clitoris. You want to keep the rhythm steady and the movement fluid. Don't go banging around trying to find the thing. Slip it in, slip it out, slip it up, slip it down. If she's ready to come right away, press your penis firmly against her clitoris and effect a rocking motion. (Note: This can also be a non-fucking position by skipping the intercourse part, just rock the underside of your penis back and forth against her well-lubricated clitoris.)
You are not required as Charter Members to practice the Loving Jesus revelation. But many of you have discovered that--among the many benefits that can be had (see ML #3033:13,14)--being intimate with the Lord while making love does greatly enhance your sex life. With that in mind, it would be an obvious and unfortunate omission to not include some tips on this important subject.
There are whole secular books written on how feeling free to say love words to each other during sex greatly enhances the experience. Loving Jesus together only takes this benefit a step further. Many of us have discovered, simply in practicing the Loving Jesus revelation by faith and loving the Lord together more intimately, that the freedom and expression and wooing and making love to the Lord have also freed us to woo and make love to each other even more passionately and with greater freedom.
The full counsel and picture is laid out in the Loving Jesus GNs, but just as there is always more to learn in loving one another during sex, so there is always more to learn in loving the Lord together during sex.
Tips from Peter on Loving Jesus:
* "Before you have a date, it's helpful to pray and ask the Lord to help you to be giving, loving, gentle. My prayer often when I'm going to have a date is, 'Lord, please help me to show Your love. Please help me to be for this woman what she needs, what she desires, what she wants. Please help me to be You for her, and do for her what You would do if You were here having a date with her.' Such an attitude makes your dates more spiritual, and as a result, your sharing can be more of a blessing for her and for you."
* "Really what you're doing when practicing the Loving Jesus revelation is praying and praising. It's a way to pray, a way to tell the Lord we love Him. And as you say the love words to the Lord, it's easier to also say loving appreciative words to your partner, and vice versa. It then makes your interaction more verbally tender and expressive, which most people appreciate."
* "A little tip: Loving Jesus during dates is a nice way to indirectly let your partner know that what they're doing feels good. You can say something like, 'Oh Lord, I really love Your touches. That feels so good!'
"Please understand, it's not like there's this constant verbiage going on. Some of the times you're not saying anything. Some of the times you're talking to each other. Some of the times you're talking to the Lord. It just gets all blended together."
* "Loving Jesus intimately is just basically prayer throughout the time that you're having sex. It really makes the sex much more beautiful and spiritual. It's just being intimate. It's intimate with the Lord and with the person that you're making love with."
* "Just talk to the Lord. Say what you're comfortable with. You can begin by saying simple things, like, 'Thank You, Lord, for loving us.'"
(For more details on ideas of what to say, please see the list at the end of this publication.)
* "Although it's not necessary to love Jesus intimately every time you have a date, it's nice to always at least try to bring the Lord into your dates somewhat. If you pray before you wash dishes or if you pray while you take a shower, you can also pray while you're having sex. It actually makes the sex more intimate. It's humbling, but humility is what makes love and sex even better. And as you do the humble thing, you can be sure the Lord will bless you for it." (End of tips from Peter.)
* A young woman makes this comment: "I've found that Loving Jesus intimately helps to take the jitters out of first-time dates. That may sound crazy, but it's true. After a few very nice first-time dates that included saying love words to the Lord (after years of the jittery 'Oh-my-God-I'm-so-nervous' kind), I realized what the secret was. Think of it this way: Here is an opportunity to share some unforgettable moments with the Lover and Friend you both have known for years and years. And in knowing Him, you know each other. In loving and touching Him, it's so much easier to love and touch each other. Rather than being preoccupied with 'first-time' fears, we're preoccupied with unwinding in Jesus' arms and telling Him once again how much He means to us. And the rest just flows. It really works!!"
* A man in his twenties says: "Loving Jesus really serves to make a date a success in the way of bringing you together, though it's humbling at first to hear yourself saying sexy words, especially if you're not accustomed to it. Some people are also afraid to say sweet words to each other for fear of what the other person might read into it. But when you're loving the Lord together everything just seems to flow more easily.
"Also I find it really sexy to hear a woman get turned on to it or for me to 'play the role' of being Jesus, which is what you are doing, you are the vehicle that the other person feels His love through. This really turns me on."
* If you feel shy about saying love words to the Lord while having sex, especially with someone new, you could try reading some love words together with your date before you actually start your lovemaking. For example, you could read together some or all of the words listed at the end of this section. There is something about verbalizing these words with your own mouth, even if the words are printed and not something that you thought up yourself, that helps to loosen you up in front of your partner. The words you say become your own love words to the Lord. It helps to break down any walls between you and makes it easier then when making love to say your own love words to the Lord and each other, because you said similar things together earlier.
Another plus to reading love words together is if you don't have a good imagination and it's hard for you to think of what to say, the printed list helps to give you ideas, and in time you can build up your loving Jesus vocabulary.
* A woman gives the following tips: "If you're shy you might find that in the beginning it's easier to just address your love words to Jesus.--With time it comes more naturally to say them to each other. In the case where things seem to be a little 'dry,' spontaneous heartfelt prayer can work wonders, asking the Lord to make it work. Sometimes the Enemy simply fights our love up times."
* One woman comments: "Loving Jesus with a partner--saying love words to the Lord and each other--can be such a thrill! I find that sometimes prayer and praise not only after, but during lovemaking can help you relax and bring that sweet calm of the Lord over both you and your partner. I'm not talking about a formal routine prayer, or a drawn out prayer, but simply and naturally speaking to the Lord off and on while making love. Also, speaking in tongues interspersed with love words can help lubricate things!
"If you're a little shy about the thought of loving the Lord with a partner, asking for the Lord's help and interspersing prayer phrases for each other along with saying the love words seems to help it all flow and come together, and can excite both partners and help you to let loose! Then as you proceed into saying love words to the Lord and each other, the excitement can really build.
"For a real cherry on top of the sundae, after exploding in orgasm, as you lie in each others' arms, let the Lord speak right there on the spot!"
* You might find that some women aren't able to talk much--either to you or the Lord--when they're nearing climax, as they need to concentrate fully. So you can't necessarily expect much conversation at that time. But many women are very turned on by hearing about how the Lord is loving them. For example, if you're masturbating a woman or fucking her and she's nearing orgasm, it's very exciting if you say such things as, "I can see Jesus loving you. He's fucking you so beautifully. He's so turned on, so hard, so hot for you. He's about to come, and He's loving it." This type of running narration or word picture describing what the Lord is doing is especially valuable for women who don't have a good imagination and who don't fantasize well. (On the other hand, if you're with a woman who has a good imagination, she might find a running narration distracting and would prefer being able to concentrate.)
* Even if you're very shy about saying love words to the Lord, if you at least "Amen" what your partner says it's good. That will assure your partner that you are not offended, that you like the words. Also, the Lord will honor your "Amens" and will then consider your partner's love words to be yours as well.
* Playing loving Jesus songs, especially a comp of slow ones, might help to prompt your loving Jesus vocabulary--sing your love words!
* It is not necessary to be very graphic in your love words to the Lord if you don't feel comfortable doing so. You might become more graphic as the lovemaking progresses and you get more sexually aroused, and you might feel freer to say more specific words to the Lord when you're with a partner that you know well. Your loving the Lord intimately will probably vary somewhat from date to date, depending on who you're with, how much time you have to devote to the lovemaking, your mood, etc. Just take each lovemaking session as it comes and do as the Lord leads you on that particular occasion. Don't put the Lord or your love words to Him in a box!
* After loving the Lord intimately, at the end of your lovemaking is a good time to have prayer and praise time together. Many feel the Lord's Spirit deeply at that time, and it's very conducive to further sweet communication with Him, which is very unifying for you and your partner.
* A woman in her twenties comments: "One way that I personally enjoy spiritual sex with my partner is when he expresses the Lord's love to me by saying things like: 'I can feel the love that Jesus has for you,' 'Jesus loves to have His arms around you,' 'You excite Him,' 'Jesus wants you.' It excites my passion to hear these things whispered in my ear as we touch and kiss and caress. I then feel free to respond in like manner, 'Jesus, I want You so much,' 'I love the way You make me feel,' 'You make me so wet for You.' In this way my partner and I are able to communicate with each other at the same time that we are communicating with the Lord. And it's so natural!"
* A man comments: "Expressing in words to the Lord how much I want to please and give Him satisfaction makes it easier for me to humble myself in front of Him and my partner. The Lord has given me much love, and so I want to try to love Him in the way He likes and needs. I try to express to the Lord and my partner just how much the Lord loves us and has given us and how exciting it is to be able to give back to Him in this sexy way. Somehow it makes it easier for me, and it seems often for my partner, too, to relate when we feel we are meeting the Lord's needs at the same time we are pleasing each other.
"I'm finding it easier with each loving Jesus experience to have a beautiful love-up with the Lord and yet make my partner feel she, too, is special, sexy, and giving, and that she is being loved and appreciated as an individual. I do this by saying sexy sweet words of appreciation to my partner as well as to the Lord. I don't direct all my love words to the Lord only. I try to communicate to my partner what turns me on and that she is exciting and desirable. I try to make it a threesome date--with the Lord, my partner, and me."
* From a man in his early twenties: "When the Loving Jesus revelation came out I really wanted to put it into practice with a partner but found it was pretty humbling, especially if you don't know the person all that well. What helped me was we would thank the Lord after our date and hear from Him in prophecy, and often what we would receive was so sexy and exciting that it made us want to start all over again. This helped me feel the Lord's love and have a greater peace about saying more erotic or sexy words to my partner.
"It may be a bit difficult for young people as we seem to be more concerned about each others' opinions, but when you bring the Lord into your date in what may start as a non-sexual way (like hearing from Him together in prophecy) it helps to break down those walls and get you more in the mood for being more personal with each other."
Dad says, "That's why we're such a sexy religion, we believe in this Book [the Bible]! We believe God created man and woman and sex--'male and female created He them, and they two shall become one flesh'--that that's what God made your bodies for, to produce human beings, immortal souls for the Kingdom of God! There's only one thing better, and that's spiritual sex, intercourse with God Himself in the Spirit, being married to Jesus Christ as His Bride.
"Thank You Lord for sex! Thank You Lord for our physical bodies capable of sex and our sexual organs and sexual union and sexual pleasure and sexual orgasms and the beautiful results of sex in our children. Thank You Jesus for all these things! And yet we thank You above all for our wonderful spiritual sexual union with You, becoming Your Bride in the Spirit, united with our Bridegroom to enjoy that marvelous coming Wedding Supper of the Lamb in Heavenly places when we are finally united with You in Heavenly places forever! (ML #1181:52,57).
(Editor: For the full counsel on Loving Jesus with a partner, see "Loving Jesus!" Parts 1-7 in ML#s 3024, 3025, and 3029-3033.)
There's Always More to Learn:
* A good lover knows there is always more to learn, and the great lover is the person who enjoys the lessons!
* Every one of us has sexual reactions as unique as our fingerprints. No two people have sense receptors that respond exactly the same way to touch. This is why a man (or woman) who thinks he (she) is a great lover and who becomes annoyed when a partner tries to tell him (her) how she (he) likes to be touched may actually be a poor lover. Lovemaking is best when two people teach each other, with their touch and their words, what their areas of greatest pleasure are.
* In a long-term relationship it's good to make allowances for the other person to change. A person who did not like deep kissing at first might have changed and now miss it when he or she doesn't have it. A man who did not care to give oral sex at first might have completely changed after you showed such appreciation. Or a woman who usually preferred climaxing with manual stimulation of her clitoris might change and your lovemaking positions and routines may differ greatly after a while from what she originally liked.
Saying, "Do you still like this?" opens the door for the other person to express new needs or desires.
* Even if you and your partner have been together for a long time, keep experimenting, communicating and getting to know one another. No two people can ever know each other completely, because we're continually changing, growing, learning and maturing. It is this process of endless discovery that keeps a couple's sex life fresh and new.
Love Words to Jesus:
For those of you who may have a hard time thinking of love words to say to the Lord, we're including the following list of examples. Besides saying these types of words to Jesus, you might even want to say some of these things to your mate or loved one when making love together.
* I want You, need You, desire You, yearn for You ...
* I want You to kiss me, caress me, touch me ...
* I love Your kisses, caresses, touches, Words of love, seeds ...
* Come! I'm here for You.
* Oh please, I want You!
* I want Your seeds.
* My darling. My sweetheart. My precious Love. My Bridegroom.
* Come and lie in the bed of love with me.
* I want to be in love with You, Jesus.
* Come to Me, Jesus! Be here with me and love me. Let's hold each other and say words of love to each other.
* Come to my bed, come to my arms, come to my kisses, to my lips!
* Come into me, I want to be one with You.
* Kiss me, caress me, love me, fill me completely.
* I want to lie in Your arms.
* Hold me, I love You. Come fill me.
* I want to woo You, Jesus, and to be wooed by You.
* I want You inside of me! Give me Your seeds.
* I want to make You happy by kissing You, and by loving You in whatever way You wish.
* Your wonderful touches and kisses make me happy.
* Please satisfy me.
* I want Your kisses.
* I kiss You.
* Touch me, love me. I want to be one with You.
* I'm open for You.
* Fill me.
* I surrender to You, Jesus. I'm all Yours. Take hold of me.
* I need You, Jesus. I want You, Jesus. Hold me.
* You excite me, Jesus, and I want to feel Your love. I want to excite You, too!
* Jesus, You're the Lover of all lovers.
* Teach me how to love You.
* I love You so much, my dear Darling, my wonderful Sweetheart and marvelous Lover, my faithful Husband!
* I'm Yours and I'm one with You, Jesus.
* I'm in love with You as My Lover, My Husband and My Bridegroom!
* I'm all Yours, and I give You everything.
* You make me feel so good.
* I'm all naked for You, Jesus, and desperate for Your love! Come to me.
* I want to enjoy You, Jesus, to look at You, to taste You, to feel You, to fuck You!
* I've got to have You in my arms. I've got to feel Your naked body pressed to mine.
* I'm getting so hot for You! I've got to have Your lips on mine!
* You turn me on!
* Your touch is so tender, it makes me feel so loved, so secure, so warm, so wanted.
* You're beautiful, Jesus, and so sexy--sexier than I ever dreamed--so handsome, so naked and so hard!
* You draw me near, and my heart skips a beat. I tremble under Your touch.
* Your touch melts me. It moves me, stimulates me, sends me.
* Touch me through the hands that You made. Possess me!
* I'm really getting horny for You, Jesus.
* I want to feel all Your love and all Your passion!
* Jesus, show me what I can do to You to make You feel good.
* I want to excite You and give You pleasure and satisfy You, as You excite and please and satisfy me.
* Jesus, I'll do anything for You. I'll do anything to give You pleasure. Let me satisfy You. Teach me what You like best.
* I want to show You how hot and horny and passionate I am for You!
* I want to enjoy You. I take pleasure in caressing You, kissing You, fondling You.
* I want to know You completely--every inch of You.
* I want to kiss You everywhere.
* I want to suck Your penis. I want to suck Your seeds!
* I'm wild about You! I'm crazy about Your penis!
* My pussy is excited for You, Jesus!
* I'm juicy for You.
* I'm prepared, Jesus. I'm wet. I'm wanting You.
* I'm so excited and I'm so horny for You, Jesus!
* I want to feel the ecstasies of Your love!
* You've got to fuck me now!
* Yes, yes, I want more! I want more than words. I want more than spiritual communications! I want to feel it, I want to know it, in my heart and in my body and in my spirit.
* I can't wait any longer!--I'm overcome with desire for You, for Your penis, for Your seeds.
* I can't wait. I've got to have You, Jesus! Your love excites me! I've got to have You inside me!
* I crave You, Jesus. I'm hot for You! My legs are spread to receive Your penis! Enter into me! Give me Your seeds.
* I'm desperate for Your big, hard penis! I crave it, because I want Your seeds!
* I need Your penis! I need to feel You explode inside me, giving me Your seeds!
* I receive Your love, Lord, with open arms and open legs and a receptive heart.
* I'm Yours. I give myself to You in complete surrender, for Your pleasure. Do whatever You want with me.
* Come into me, Jesus. Fuck me. Make me go, Jesus!
* Fuck me! Take me!
* Hurry, Jesus! I need You now.
* Fuck me long and hard and deep. I want to feel You in the very heart of me. Longer, harder, deeper!
* I can't get enough of You. I have to have all of You!
* Come, Jesus! Oh please, come!
* I can't do without Your seeds. Please give them to me!
* Yes, yes! Fuck me, fuck me! Don't stop! Don't stop! I want You! I need You! Give me Your seeds!
* Fill me with Your seeds. Flood me with Your seeds. Explode in me!
* Give me more, more, more. Don't stop until I have every drop of Your love, every one of Your seeds.
* It feels so good to have You inside me, Jesus! I've never known such pleasure, such ecstasy.
* Jesus, I'm lost in Your love. With every thrust of Your penis You take me higher and higher.
* Don't stop! Don't ever stop fucking me! Let this thrill, this ecstasy, go on and on and on and on forever!
* Your penis drives me wild. I'm out of control, but don't stop!
* I went for You.
* Oh my Darling, my Darling, how I love to fuck You! How I love to be fucked by You!
* I've never known such joy and satisfaction as this!
* Jesus, You're the best! No other love can compare.
* Thank You for wanting me, for desiring me, for exciting me. Thank You for wanting to fuck me and become one with me and give me Your seeds.
* Thank You for giving Yourself to me so freely, so completely. Thank You for letting me explore Your naked body in all its majesty--to hold You, to kiss You, to suck You, to fuck You.
* You're so wonderful!
(End of File.)