In Reply to: the bad side .. posted by ray on August 08, 2003 at 04:38:36:
ray...greetings. I just had an impulse to tell you something because it appears to be so clear to me from reading your posts. here I go:
"i can appreciate the question. it is one i continue to ponder."
You remind me a lot of women who have been in terribly abusive relationships with men they have been in love with. When you think back on the years spent together you find the most beautiful moments (nice loving charming stuff) right next to the most atrocious episodes of abuse. I explain: the guy who hugs you kisses you makes love to you one day is the SAME guy who rapes you, spits on you, hits you, tortures you emotionally and psychologically. This is also the same guy who comforts you at times when you need it (often after he himself abused you), buys you gifts, takes you out to dinner, etc etc.
The problem is that there is NO way to separate sugar from salt and when you have such disfunctional personalities....the mess that ensues is a very 'schizophrenic' one because of the extreme duality of the personality. the good is pretty good...hey you decide to marry the guy (compare that to joining the F) and the bad is the worst you could ever imagine. The fact that these 2 are so incompatible and YET were lived at the same time leaves victims or better yet survivors of abuse with the same questions you and many keep pondering.
Was it 'love' and was it 'real' when he held me that night and said so many loving things...I had the best time with him on several occasions (that was Dr. Jeckyll)...and how could then he hit me, kill my cat, call me a whore, lock me into a room, humiliate me in the worst possible ways for no reasons or to punish me for the slightest (his perception) mistake?
This is not a gender free analysis, but there are many cases where people experience the above in same sex couples, or with a parent etc etc.
the bottom line I am trying to make is that survivors of these situations grapple with the seemingly incomprehensible things and memories many of us face. Some of them decide to major on the 'nice' times....maybe because they just cannot handle more...I don't know...everybody's gotta survive somehow...some others major on the horrors, because that is where their traumas originated...but all usually concur that they would have rather not have had to live all of that because the good...is mixed with stuff that leaves scars that remain for a lifetime.
We have survivors of such relationships who come to give their 'testimony' in classes like Violence in the Family (how appropriate :) - now, it seems to me that many ex members suffer from exactly such a syndrome and it is not surprising considering 1) that Berg was considered God and
2) that each person was like the 'bride' of Christ/God.
The analogy, the patterns etc all fit. I would like to just say that no matter how charming, how nice, how 'sincere' a disfunctional abusive person can be, a relationship with them is just not WORTH the horror that has to be endured and that gets created in the process.
I hope this helps at some levels. It is something I have been wanting to say for a long time.
Peace, marina