In Reply to: Attitude toward my adult child in the Family posted by Laura on September 08, 2003 at 16:26:43:
Interesting, Laura,
If it were me, I would be very careful not to alienate my adult child. The child might well know my views, but I would not bring them up continually.
I feel it is very important that the child knows there is a place to go, a place that he or she will be accepted, when he or she finally realises that the group is wrong. As I see it, it makes it so much easier for someone to decide to leave if they know there is a place to go. Someone who cares.
As you know, it is hard to leave, especially if you were really ideologically committed. It means admitting, "I was wrong, I was taken for a sucker," stuff like that. As I see it, it is important to create an environment where it is easy to say that.
It may take years before the lights go on. Look how long it took for us. But if the lights came on for us, they can easily go on for your child, somewhere along the road.
If I were in your shoes, I would be saving a little money when I could, if I could, building up a little savings so that when your child leaves, you have something to help her with. It is so frustrating wanting to help, but not being able to.
I don't think I would consent to having my child fleece me though. Some kids show up at their parents trying to get money out of them -- the spoiling Egypt mentality. I would not go that route, I think. I'd just save the money for when they left.
I think it is also important that when the child does leave, that there are no 'I told you so' vibes. Or, what took you so long?
The reality is, the 'children' are adults and they have the power of choice, and there is not a lot parents can do to circumvent that. But we can adapt the long view and position ourselves to be able to support that child a little bit whne he or she decides to leave. We can make it clear of our unconditional love for the child-adult without compromising our views about the group.
I just LOVE IT when people ask my opinion!