In Reply to: Re: Understanding my fiance posted by Lisa Q on November 26, 2002 at 01:59:00:
Lisa, I'm glad to hear you have that confidence in your fiance, and that you believe him when he says that he has not been abused. Trust is a very important part of entering a lifelong relationship.
While many of his memories must be painful to sift through, it is very important that you and he get to know each other very well before marriage. If he loves you and has made the decision and commitment that you are THE one he loves and the life partner he will share his heart with, then he needs to begin opening up to you now. If he has indeed not been sexually abused in the group, you are very fortunate. That's one less thing to deal with. But the lack of education, the Victor Camps, the forced labor at young age, the psychological beating down, these are all issues to deal with.
I feel the same way as your finace in one sense. I don't place a high priority on material things and I believe in sharing materially with others. This is well and fine and to a certain degree healthy, Nevertheless, it is an attitude that was drummed into us by the cult -- a stand against the materialism of America at the expense of the rest of the world. And I've been around rich Christians in churches who flaunt their wealth, don't care for the poor, and who basically make me sick. We were told all American Christians were worldly hypocrites. Our thoughts were filled with self-righteous stereotypes that made us feel that having a good job and enough money is some kind of sin. Deep down inside, we were taught that America was the great materialic Whore (comercial system) of Revelation 17,18, and that if we had a good job in the American system, we were "F----g the Whore." (Talk about propaganda.) But you are right, there is nothing evil about wanting sufficient wealth/income to build a life together, have financial security for children and save for the future.
You said, "I have tried to discuss the subject on occasion, though much of the time he becomes very anxious when we speak about it." If you are talking about the money issue, here, all I can say is that you have every right to discuss financial issues/career plans with him openly and freely. He should not be anxious, and if he is he needs to relax. You should not enter a lifelong relationship with unstable finances. Have you read Larry Burkett's book, "Money Before Marriage?" check it out at your local Christian bookstore,or maybe your church has a copy in its library.
It's good you're patient with him and not pushing him faster than he's willing to share, as far as his past, but at the same time, you do have a right and a need to know, so don't be satisfied if he tells you there are things he can't share with you. You are going to be his wife and share every aspect of his life. Of course, don't push him faster than he is ready for, but if he's ready for one of the biggest decisions of life (marriage) then he needs to understand that he needs to be ready to share his heart too. Especially since you are there for him, love him, are not condemning him, and want to understand.
Have a great day, Lisa.