In Reply to: Journey questions posted by Zither on April 11, 2006 at 19:32:11:
The first thing I noticed was very high anxiety and irrational thoughts of God out to get me or people close to me.
I don't know why but I never went through this stage but many other have reported it.
Next to follow was years of numbness with sudden outbursts of anger and nightmares/anxiety galore.
Sometimes depression.
Numbness sounds right but I am aware of it and try to fight it. I think it is a reaction to protect me from being 'hurt' so I remain distant.
Talking about "forgiveness" angered me, extremely.
Most of that has faded away now over time. I don't believe I have to "forgive" someone's acts when they are not sorry or have not said so and yet I have forgiven by my choice and NOT BY ANY DEMAND or threat of eternal damnation or bad consequence, my parents even though I was never able to hear them apologize or acknowledge very hurtful and cruel things.
This is a tough one. It still comes through. I am not sure I have forgiven some people or even if I want to forgive them. In most cases I push them away from my memory but when I don't, some sort of emotion comes in and makes me very upset and frustrated. I avoid even thinking about the subject most of the time because of the many buttons it triggers.
I suppose I just got to a point where I realized how miserable mean people already are. I don't want my life to be consumed with the misery that anger internalized gives me.
Same here but it is not easy for me. It is almost as if I'd rather not forgive some of those jerks.
Realistically I know it does not go away until a person is ready to let it go. Some may never fully go away.
I agree again. When I left, I totally put all and everything away but after almost 20 years it came in and I couldn't contain it. In my case, I used that as a source of energy to what I have been able to accomplish.
No one is on anyone else's timetable for it either.
It is not only the timetable but the amount of emotional involvement what is different for everybody.
I am way past all that well of seemingly endless unresolved pain. Again, not perfection but not tortured by the past. What did you or what do you do to release pain of the past?
People often aske me why I am so busy doing ________ (whatever I am doing) and my answer is that If I stop some demons will catch up with me. They think I am joking but I know you all understand how it is. I always have about 10 different projects running as if I am afraid to stop and rest. I do it but it has to be under my control and command. I do think about art and have already a few projects lined up for when I run out of the others. Anyway, I gotta go and finish up that chore... :-)