In Reply to: Re: something i found posted by Q II on October 17, 2006 at 09:01:05:
Hi Q11
I have to admit that my personal bias is to approach the discipline of children without using corporal punishment. I can agree that some of the more intense general statements regarding the use of spanking are not overly useful.
I really think there are two major issues in the debate. The first is the value of spanking and the second is that "... parents should have the right in a democracy to discipline thier children as they see fit". Both the USA and Canadian courts have agreed in principle that moderate phyisical discipline administered by a parent to their children is not against the law.
There seems to be opposing poles in the first area with some advocates demanding spanking be made illegal and other advocates demanding the right to use coporal punishment. Both poles have factions that are very emotionally intense in their positions while milder factions in both camps are trying to find objective answers and a balance to the concept of child discipline. Some say a light slap on the hand and don't slap a face or butt,and never use an impliment. At the same time others think that perhaps a less intrusive method of physical control might work such as physically guiding a child away from the immediate area until they are able to control their behavior.
I do not know many parents or caregivers who at one point or another in their relationships with their kids have not felt driven to wanting to swat a kid for repeated inappropriate behavior.
I don't know if I can totally agree with your second point due the broad nature of the overall issue. I do, however, note there is a deeply buried custom in most cultures that punishment for negative behaviors must be applied and it is a serious mistake not to do so.
For me the answer seems to be based in putting aside, for a moment, the general population's social habits, cultural folkways, morays, historical customs and laws. This allows us, as parents, to objectively weigh the value of each action when we want to discipline a chid. For example:
- what is really in the best interest of my child
- is my method relevent to the child's behavior
- are my actions potentially harmful to the child
- will it help the child to move towards internalizing appropriate behavior
I try to stay away from bottom lines and over consequencing kids. I prefer to think of ways and means for discipline that are strategically and tacticly united. The major problem with physical discipline can be most appreciated when it fails. Where to you go from there? I believe that how we, as caring parents, deal with negative behavior in our kids is a personal journey of discovery that each of us must take in regards to how we will discipline our children.
To be honest I have worked with a number of "monster" kids who were violent, dangerous to others and in some cases grew up into life-takers. One interesting point to note is many of these kids were not strangers to heavy corporal punishment or punishment based deprivation pf one kind or another.
On the other hand I do not think that parents who spank their kids out of an honest sense of discipline are completely off the wall. As I mentioned before, it is a very tough issue to address. In our culture it is almost a automatic response to want to use corporal punishment to correct negative behavior in ourselves as well as our children! Just be in a mall with an unruly child and you will feel the spanking vibe emanating from almost every adult parent in the mall. In fact I have seen incidents where verbal directions and advice to "...spank that kid" are given freely and without inhibition by other shoppers. I am sure some of those making such comments during the incidents would have liked to "jump" into the situation and demonstrate the best methods of corporal punishment.
When my kids got older I used to tell them if their behavior kept up being negative I would be forced to close the money wicket for a while. If they were fighting in the car I would pull over, turn on a really dull talk radio station and read the paper. Granted any method does not always work but I got some good milage out of those two approaches at times. Sadly( or happily from a Personal pocketbook side) they now have their own cars and money and are quick to sound off if I show the slightest incination to direct their behavior in any way. It now is a standard joke for them to tell me to be quiet or the money wicket will be closed.
Well I better stop as I am getting a bit blaby here. I just find behavior in general to be very interesting and there is a real art to be found in developing succesful methods of disciplining our kids.
Sincerely
Rocky