Posted by CB on November 21, 2010 at 20:39:16
In Reply to: Re: Vivaah .....For those of us who believe in real love posted by Aunty T on November 17, 2010 at 21:27:13:
When I think back to my exit from the cult, one of the things that helped me was hitting bottom and realizing my way of doing things wasn't working. Of course, I wasn't raised in The Family, so it didn't take me very long to figure out a better way of doing things.
Still, the principle of letting your niece hit her bottom is a good one, but it won't be easy for you. If you decide to give her two weeks' notice, do it in as open a manner as possible. That is, let her know that you're still willing to help her, but it has to be on YOUR terms, not hers. As long as she refuses to listen to your advice and accept the things you are willing to provide, she is on her own. When she decides to do as you ask--and not just say "Yes m'am" and do what she wants anyway--then you will be there to help her.
It will be difficult for you not to step and rescue her after she is asked to leave your home. Nevertheless, it's a matter of helping your niece to learn the relationship between the choices she has made and the consequences for her behavior. It's a lesson most of us learn growing up, and as Thinker points out, she got that lesson in a screwed up way from growing up in TFI. If she's going to make it in the world outside the cult, she will need to learn this lesson from the school of hard knocks.
If you are a prayerful person, it is important that you pray that God protect her, but don't put yourself in God's place by trying to protect her yourself. You are not God, and you cannot love her to the point that she is permitted to do damage to you and your family. She needs to learn that her behavior is hurtful to you and your family. Just telling her this has not worked.
When I have had to let a willful, self-centered child go and learn from the school of hard knocks as a young adult, it helped me to talk to Jesus as the Good Shepherd.