Posted by CB on February 11, 2012 at 19:20:28
In Reply to: Re: Self-righteous Anger? posted by IFT on February 11, 2012 at 16:19:07:
No, not changing colors. Just reflecting the complexity of who I am and my take on reality.
I feel like we're chasing each other through a hall of mirrors. I think you play mind games and project them. You think I play mind games and project them. So none of this has anything to do with you, and it's all about me. Are you kidding me? Are you even capable of owning any of your own stuff, or am I the only cold-hearted, cruel, abusive hypocrite in the room? If that's how you see it, well then, that's your reality. It seems to be what you need me to be, so there is absolutely no way I'll ever disappoint you.
When I ask you to own your own stuff, I'm not asking you to confide in me. I'm just asking you to quit making me the problem every time I say something you don't like. I didn't consciously set out to use abuse to relate to you. We got sucked up into that dynamic, maybe because of your loss and maybe because of mine. If you want to say I'm the one who started it, and it's all my fault because I'm a self-righteous hypocrite, fine. I'm the one who started it and it's all my fault because I'm a self-righteous hypocrite.
Now who's the cruel one, the victimizer? My heart is broken and you throw my friend's name in my face. Perhaps I should not have confided in YOU? I don't care what you think of how I grieve or who I grieve over. It is really not fair of me to listen to you scream and then say, Why can't you be more like her?
If you are not wallowing in self-pity (which is very closely related to self-loathing), why does my suggestion that you appear to be someone consumed by despondency make any difference to you? Simply say, "CB, I don't think that's the case." If you have any humility, you might add, "I could be wrong--after all, I can't see myself as others see me. But I don't trust you, so I'm not going to put any credence in your perception."
Or is your position more like, "Yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself, and who the hell are you to be naming my demons?" I am not trying to define who you are as a human being if I say your behavior appears to be that of someone who's stuck in a pit of despondency. That observation doesn't make me better or morally superior. It just makes me someone who's been to hell and back, so maybe I recognize a few of the milestones. I view self-pity as a contagious toxin. So maybe I'm saying, "Jeez, girl. Cover your mouth when you cough."
But if you're not coughing or stinking up the room with emotional farts, then it must be me. Oops. Sorry about that. I'll try to get a better grip on reality.
What makes your pain so special? Read what I wrote again: Because it's YOUR pain. That's what makes it special. It's one thing to feel empathy, quite another to go on living after a stake has driven a spike through your heart. There's a place in that pain where you are totally alone. No amount of talking, screaming, blaming will change that solitude of the soul. Maybe you experience an in-breaking of a Higher Power, maybe not. No one can ever know that except you.