Posted by Thinker on September 17, 2012 at 17:35:04
In Reply to: Re: Question #3 posted by Extreme on September 14, 2012 at 09:34:24:
Man, I've been avoiding this thread due to the sensitive nature of the topic you touched on. You are asking some really tough questions, I'll tell you that!
Yes, I did have trouble resolving the issue of polygamy vs. monogamy when I first got out, but that didn't last very long. There's a real romantic inside me that desires nothing more than to be with the one. Like you, part of me is nevertheless conflicted in that I'm not sure if that's just an illusion I'm after, especially when I look back at the failed relationships I've had, despite my believing at one time that we'd grow old together.
The partner I had when left TFI wasn't the woman for me, because we were in very different places mentally when we left. I had so many things to catch up with and fix in my own life that I had to be true to, that she could never be a part of. I know, it sounds cold, but in hindsight, it was the right thing to do for us to separate.
In my journey to find the one, yes, I did have several relationships, and I did hurt some and got hurt some. Then I got settled in a long-term relationship for some twelve years. Things changed again, we were in different places mentally and emotionally, and I had to go, because part of me was just dying and part of me just needed a clean slate from all the mistakes I'd made.
I agree with you that the desire for exclusive love is tied to self worth. I learned very soon after leaving TFI, that I wasn't shy, had no problem talking to drop-dead gorgeous women, could pretty much charm and "get" any kind of hot woman I wanted. But I also learned very quickly that to get whatever kind of woman, if I wanted to keep her, I had to be the kind of man that was compatible. If she was sporty, I couldn't be a couch potato. If she was a super-model type who was shallow and very high maintenance, I'd have to be a shallow sugar-daddy type. Although there were periods in my life I was actually rich, I just wasn't made of that stuff. So in the end, I never aimed for having shallow super-model types around me. My need for deep conversations usually did the trick of scaring them off.
I make no judgments about relationships because I think there are no easy answers. I do have an ideal that I pursue--being with the one. But I haven't always measured up, or life just happens and things go wrong and people change. I've had one-night-stand threesomes and even parallel dated several women during the periods when I was in transition--lost, in other words. And I confess, I have, in a sense, been looking "outside home" for sex when I didn't get my needs met.
Recently, I found myself in a difficult situation. My partner was the ideal partner except for one thing--sex. We were in a platonic relationship for seven years. I tried to convince myself that sex didn't matter and even tried to wait it out so that my libido would diminish with age and time. From the outside looking in, everyone thought we were in a picture-perfect relationship, but I was unhappy. In the end, I began having secret no-strings-attached affairs. Finally, I decided to leave my partner just when she was going through a big crisis in her life. The timing couldn't have been worse. The good news is that it caused to her to seek help, to finally deal with issues from way back, things she'd buried and been in denial about. And all of a sudden she was making all this progress, becoming a living, sexual being. My foot was already out the door, literally. After a few months of pure confusion as to what to do, I decided to give it another try. I'm proud of myself for having stuck it out, not proud of myself for the affairs I had. Although I do understand why I did what I did.