Posted by long time exer on September 27, 2012 at 01:12:17
In Reply to: Re: Question #4 posted by Extreme on September 24, 2012 at 13:42:02:
I joined as a teen and I felt safe at first as well as somewhat stunned because COG was not about the sex stuff at that time and I got hooked into the "love bombing" and feeling of family that I didn't have growing up, but the screening, the purgings, the dictatorship/absolute obedience crap and subservience women should practice was degrading and went against what I believed before joining. Since I had been molested as a child I pretty much grew up feeling like a horrible person and an object to be used by others. Because of the nature of the abuse, what was innocent about sexual relationships was skewed and what could be beautiful made me sick to my stomach. I avoided anything sexual, then years later, focusing on political in high school. Any kind of sexual activity, no matter how simple (i.e. kiss, intimate hug) absolutely put me in a full panic. For one thing, I could not say no when someone was aggressive, until it got to a certain point and I would do anything I could to try and get away. Then I joined the family and when FFing was later introduced to lower rank and file (first as flirting a la "Look of Love")the full fledged doctrine was being intro'd to a broader range of "leadership". I felt like this must be how the whole world is. predators and prey. Only I didn't have those labels. It just seemed to be what life was about because it was what I knew.
Where my sister (childhood, pre-TF) got very vocal during abuse (older sister), I shut down. I think I only said "Please", very softly, hoping it would end.
In the Family after FFing, I was dealt with for resisting and I really felt like God could kill me or harm my family for my resistance. As sick as that sounds, I suppose that was an easier viewpoint for me to hold than had I grown up in TF where my peers would be wanting to rebel against what was so terribly degrading, debilitating, and destructive to the core.
While in, I noticed how the FFing "revolution" along with so many other "revolutions" that tore people apart and broke them down, started making people get competitive, territorial, even fighting over "fish" and it was all about who could screw the most and bring in the most money or most influential people. I began to drink very heavily and was a musician so I went out singing and didn't get much pressure because I brought in lots of funds that way, but I was used by guys in ways that made me very sick to my stomach again. I started having full blown panic attacks that were horrible. I thought God was dealing with me for my resistance.
When it was clear that this was headed down to children, I jumped ship with no real home for support and it was tough. No drivers license, no checking account, no work experience, no references, resume, etc. AND there was a lot of garbage to sort through and take out and gratefully, I had help from some professionals who worked with me for a very low fee or freely. One of those therapists was very sick as well, which is why it is good to get references.
I do believe people have to figure out for themselves what their preferences are, whether their sexuality, their politics or their religion or lack of religion. I could personally shoot any NAMBLA member or other pedophilia org. member that I ran across and I'd feel good. But I wouldn't do it because it wouldn't be worth spending the rest of my life in jail and hurting my family if that were to happen. But as far as what adults do, as long as they don't prey upon children, animals or someone mentally challenged, or anyone where there is a power imbalance, I think it is the business if they are consenting adults. There are things I think are weird, like Alphabet stuff (SM, BD etc)but I don't believe in playing moral police. I do believe many things consenting adults do can be very damaging to children if they observe that. Many times people do not think they are hurting kids or others, but they are. A lot more than they realize. Just as when I was in the family, what the children saw when FFing was going on was very sick and very hurtful.
Looking back now, I realize the extent of horrors of TF and know it is far from similar to what is the norm in many systems, whether USA, Europe, South America or most other areas of the world where fringe members of those societies dance around in the underbelly of their society. On a societal level there is no comparison of TF to larger societies/countries; but there is a comparison to other similar societies such as Jonestown, Koresh, Roc Therrault, Charles Manson and other infamous NPD's.
About porno, it is not my cup of tea, but for adults who want to watch it, that is their business. What matters is how do you feel about what you do? Is there some aspect of what your behavior is that you don't feel comfortable about? Not that I'm asking you to say what that may be here, but it's something to think about so you can figure out what you are actually feeling okay with. Indulging in random sex with multiple partners does have huge risks.