The Family / Children of God

Women in The Family -- April 1996

By Paul and Nora Williams

© April 1996, by The Family, Zurich, Switzerland

Introduction

                Traditionally women are considered to be the weaker sex, yet it is their qualities of love, concern, compassion, sensitivity, intuition and understanding -- deemed weaknesses by some -- that are most needed in our troubled times. Learning to respect, nurture and properly use the finest qualities and wonderful differences between people is the key to unlocking the storehouse of human joy, creativity and fulfillment. When war, violence and force are everywhere on the increase, great strength and inspiration is found in manifestations of these so-called weaknesses: the gentleness, the protectiveness of women, the care and concern. More than at any time in history, we see the need for women to come forward and use their special gifts and talents, and in the power of God's Love, reach out and help heal our hurting and war-torn world.

                The Family's spiritual leader, Maria, has this to say:

                "Women are generally known to be more tender and loving, but this is not a weakness, this is a spiritual strength. ... The Lord wants us all to be that way. ... We all need to have the qualities of Godly women, more than the qualities [of physical strength and aggression] that are generally attributed to men." [1]

                In this article, we hope to give insight into the spiritual, social and sexual dimensions of life in The Family that have allowed our women remarkable leadership roles and equal authority with men, while protecting their right and freedom to enjoy fulfilling feminine roles as wives, mothers and lovers.

Women in "The Revolution for Jesus!"

                The original membership of the Children of God (our founding movement) came largely from the ranks of the young, single, often sexually liberal counterculture of American youth of the '60s and early '70s. [2] This liberal-minded following proved worthy candidates, with the needed zeal and adaptability to build an entirely new Christian communal society. Under the tutelage of David Brandt Berg, their founder, they launched out to "win the world for Jesus." Men and women entered the movement pretty much as equals, united in a common spiritual cause. However, as these single young "revolutionaries for Jesus" began to marry, male and female "positions" and roles became more of an issue. Some husbands were not too happy operating as equals with their wives. Some even clearly preferred to quench their wife's gifts and talents once married, rather than be upstaged, or worse, live in the shadow of a very gifted, outgoing wife.

                In early Letters [3] to his followers, David Berg had to address this problem of certain men not wanting to share the limelight with their wives. Although David, as the leader of the group, did at times need to play an authoritarian role, he was always very considerate of the women, making sure that they were represented in every important meeting, listening to their comments and suggestions the same as to the men's. He did not approve of men squelching women, or putting them down or belittling them, but instead encouraged married men to let their wives come to the fore in all areas. Still, it took some time for the balance of male and female power-sharing in the founding years of The Family to equalize. And that it did, largely thanks to the efforts of David to encourage women at all levels to accept and be accepted and respected in positions of responsibility and leadership.

                The most outstanding example of the active role David took in empowering Family women is the years of personal training, confidence and eventual transference of Family leadership to his wife Maria, who started out in the movement as his personal secretary. In a tribute to women leadership, David showed the lasting influence his evangelist mother, Virginia Brandt Berg (1885-1968), had on him, as well as the great confidence he had in Maria:

                "There are more women leaders in the world [today] than there ever have been in the world's history! -- Prime ministers, presidents, governors, all kinds of women leaders. My mother was one of the early pioneers of women's leadership in the Ministry. I'm sure Maria is going to be a real flame of fire to light your way in the dark days ahead when I'm gone!" [4]

                Although church traditions of the time favored male domination not only in marriage but in the church, David was confident that in Jesus, men and women are equal. He believed that in God's Kingdom, sexual differences are inconsequential; all that really counts is each person's personal relationship with God. Even the early Christian writer and apostle, Saint Paul, who insisted that the women of his era be subordinate to men in the church, nevertheless freely conceded that in Jesus "there is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28). Building on this Scripture, David said:

                "In our Homes we consider that our wives are equal [leaders] and that there's no difference in the Lord, that there's no male or female in Christ Jesus, that all are one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28). And therefore we consider that the mother of the Home is just as important as the father." [5]

                When David Berg passed away in 1994, he was fully confident that the work he founded would be wisely and lovingly continued under the spiritual leadership of his wife Maria, who for many years had been an executive leader. In the years immediately preceding his death she had increasingly shouldered the responsibility for the spiritual and administrational leadership of The Family.

                Maria's full leadership came as no surprise to members who for many years had been prepared by David for this transfer of authority to her. The Family was already accustomed to having women in all administrative positions. Family women of many nationalities are actively and equally involved in every aspect of our work, including being equally represented in our highest executive positions worldwide. In The Family, as much as possible, we do not look at whether a person is male or female, but instead, it is the calling and election of God, the anointing of God that rests on the individual that is recognized and respected.

Family Theology Is Female Friendly

                We believe that the Holy Spirit, part of the Godhead Itself, is female. The Bible bears this out in Genesis, chapter one, verses 26 and 27, where God's decision to create humans is recorded. He decided to make us resemble God, and in doing so, He created a male and a female! "And God said,Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness. ... So God created man in His Own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them." When we understand that the Holy Spirit is female, we realize that part of the ruling power of the universe is female, and thus we can deduce that, in God's eyes, male and female can and should work together in leadership roles. We also realize that God the Father, the Holy Spirit and Their Son Jesus form a Heavenly Family very similar to a human family with a father, a mother and a child!

                Having this concept of the relationship between God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus helps to give us a better perception of what a woman's role should be. The Holy Spirit is not only a Wife, a Mother and a Comforter, but She is also a Leader. We believe women today should be given the same variety of roles, if they desire, of being not only loving wives and mothers, but also leaders in their professions, communities, churches, etc. Not only should it be a very rewarding and exciting experience for a woman to be a loving wife, and wonderful to be a mother with children, but she should also have ample opportunity to exercise and develop her leadership potential, as our women in The Family do.

                Besides being leaders, Family women enjoy being women. They enjoy being sexually attractive and having uninhibited, natural, joyful sex. They enjoy being wives and lovers and mothers. Family women like to look attractive and feminine. Of course, more important than physical beauty is inner beauty.

David wrote:

                "It takes God's inner beauty in your heart and your life and even in your body to make you shine and radiate the happiness and the peace and the joy and the Love and the beauty of Spirit that God alone can give." [6]

                "Remember that the most beautiful part of you is that lovely radiant happy smiling Spirit-filled face! ... You've got to have that shine on your face in order to be truly beautiful. ... Even the plainest faces light up with glorious beauty with that heavenly sunshine on your face and in your eyes!" [7]

"Fishers of Men" -- Matthew 4:19

                Jesus called to His disciples, some of whom were fishermen, saying, "Come, follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men." This challenge meant that if they would leave their nets and follow Him, they would learn to bring people to Jesus. Instead of fish, they would "catch" men for the Kingdom of God.

                In the late '70s, a new and different method of "fishing for men" was revealed to David.

                Having traveled a lot in his former years to promote Gospel shows for television, David knew firsthand the deep agony of loneliness that so many men and women endure when their jobs separate them from the arms and beds of loved ones. Then, too, so many people who do find sex may not receive the deep and reassuring love they need.

                One typically chilly London evening, David and Maria encountered a lonely businessman named Arthur at a ballroom studio. David suggested that Maria dance with Arthur and encourage him.

                As David watched Maria warmly interacting with and witnessing to the tall man with the lonely eyes, he wondered just how far a Christian can go to show God's Love to those in need. Here was a man in obvious need of love, reassurance and sex. Can a Christian even go to bed with someone in order to show God's Love for that person?

                The Bible says that if we see a brother or sister without food, and only say nice things to them and send them on their way without food, we have done nothing. (See James 2:15-17.) Of course, it is one thing to give a hungry person food, but could that same principle be applied to needs for love and sex?

                And even if one did have the faith to share one's own wife or husband to satisfy another person's sexual needs, could they endure the inner hurt and fear of losing the one dearest to them? Would God be pleased with such sacrifices? After much thought and prayer, David decided that the answer had to be yes.

                "What better way to show them the Love of God than to do your best to supply their desperately hungry needs for love, fellowship, companionship, mental and spiritual communication and physical needs such as food, clothing, shelter, warmth, affection, a tender loving kiss, a soft warm embrace, the healing touch of your loving hands, the comforting feeling of your body next to theirs -- and yes, even sex if need be!" [8]

                So began the ministry of "Flirty Fishing" (FFing), as David dubbed it, and it didn't take long for this unorthodox approach to evangelism to hit the news worldwide. FFing proved to be tremendously fruitful. FFing was effectively used as an outreach ministry in The Family for close to ten years. Over 100,000 people were won to Jesus because of the sacrificial love of Family men and women who laid down their lives and their wives to prove the Lord's Love. [9]

                The personal cost was very great. Although some mistakes were made along the way, those souls won to God's Kingdom are truly eternal and well worth the sacrifices made for their sakes.

                We do not consider it wrong that the Lord used the beauty, love and charm of the missionary women in The Family through this ministry to set men free, give them the Gospel and to show them God's Love, even at great personal sacrifice. What many of our women chose to do was done out of love and to win eternal souls for the Kingdom of God. There was nothing degrading or sinful about it. The motivation for Flirty Fishing was not money or power, unlike what happens in society at large today where the beauty of women is used by advertisers to sell all manner of goods, and to seduce the masses for material gain.

                In 1987, The Family discontinued FFing to emphasize other means of ministering the Word of God to others, as well as to take advantage of opportunities to reach more people than the very personalized ministry of FFing allowed. At that time as well, the plague of AIDS had just begun its rampage through the world, which seemed to us another clear indication that it was time to stop the FFing ministry. We believe the principles behind the FFing ministry remain sound, even though we no longer allow any sexual involvement with those outside our communities.

Debunking a Common Myth

                In Genesis, the first book of the Bible, Jews and Christians alike learn the story of how the first man and woman, Adam and Eve, were created by God and lived in a garden paradise called Eden. They were perfect and happy. Also, they were totally naked and not the least bit ashamed about it. In the garden were two special trees, the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. God warned them not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, or terrible things would happen to them. One day, Satan, the fallen angel and evil tempter, appeared in the form of a snake and convinced Eve that God was not telling the truth about the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Eve believed the Devil's lie about God and ate the forbidden fruit, and then convinced Adam to also eat. Because Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, God banished them from the garden so that they would be prevented from eating from the Tree of Life, which would have enabled them to live forever. So it was that death and evil and sin entered the world. This event is known as the Fall, or the Original Sin. [10]

                In many church traditions this Fall is thought to have been somehow connected to sex, with the woman as the chief culprit. This "sex was the first sin" myth has not only given sex a bad reputation, but has been the source of much mistreatment of women down though the centuries.

                In The Family we do not believe that sex is evil, nor do we see Eve as having been a sinful seductress using sex to lead her poor innocent husband astray! Our first parents' sin came about as a result of their not believing what God said; unbelief, not sex, caused them to disobey. We completely reject any teaching that female sexuality was the snare that brought death and destruction into the world, or that sex is inherently evil, sinful, or contributed to the downfall of humanity. In fact, long before sin ever entered the picture, God Himself told Adam and Eve to have sex, when He said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth" (Genesis 1:28).

Marriage

                David Berg believed in marriage and encouraged couples to marry, usually after a time of living and working closely together to be certain of their decision. Following are a few comments he made about marriage:

                "Marriage is the most satisfying, most strengthening and most lasting human relationship on this Earth." [11]

                "Marriage should be as equal as possible, as sharing as possible. You should talk together, pray together, love together, discuss together and then decide and agree together." [12]

                "Marriage is more than sex or friendship or even a business partnership for the Lord's work! It is the most intimate, humbling, loving and self-sacrificial relationship between human beings in all of life. "No greater love hath any man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends!" (John 15:13). This is love, real love, true love -- the willingness of a husband to sacrifice himself for his wife, the eagerness of a wife to lay down her life for her husband! This is supernatural love, divine love, God's Love, more than human!" [13]

                We feel that married couples who are part of The Family should operate in much the same way the overall Family operates, where men and women are equal and no one is lording it over another. The ideal is that married couples operate as equal partners. That means that since the wife should submit to her husband, then the husband should submit himself to his wife, sharing their work load equally. Marriage is a partnership that needs to be fair, with the work load evenly distributed in love and mutual consideration for each other.

Divorce

                David wrote:

                "Marriage is supposed to be for life, except for the most unusual circumstances, truly desperate and/or Scriptural exceptions! Everything humanly possible should be done to keep couples together, both for their sake as well as for [the sake of] their children and the work of God!" [14]

                In the past many Family couples did separate for various reasons. At present, parents are more strongly encouraged to make their marriage work, especially if they have children. Divorce is still permitted, however, after all efforts at reconciliation fail or the marriage is no longer viable. Couples are expected to part amicably and with mutual respect, and come to a mutually acceptable decision about the care and custody of the children. The preferences of the children are to be taken into consideration when these decisions are made.

                A probationary separation period is suggested before divorce to give couples time to reconsider. Temporary separations are usually handled informally within The Family, but where couples wish to dissolve their marriages, they are required to make out a notarized written agreement containing the details of the custody of the children, etc. It is up to the couple to decide if they wish to be legally divorced or not.

                Legal battles seldom occur except in occasional circumstances where one parent decides to leave The Family and a custody agreement cannot be reached. Since our missionary lifestyle does not lend itself to individual Family members acquiring lands or costly personal items, property disputes common in secular divorces are largely non-issues in The Family.

Motherhood

                We make a conscious effort in The Family to make motherhood as easy as possible, both physically and psychologically. Motherhood, as with most challenges in life, is made easier, happier and more rewarding when those around show good, positive and encouraging attitudes. Expectant mothers get good prenatal care and training. Natural deliveries in pleasant, peaceful home environments are preferred, if practical and possible.

                Family women sometimes face a certain amount of criticism for taking a traditional, seemingly out-of-sync-with-society approach to life. To marry young, love a husband, and expect to have more than a couple of children is not politically correct in many modern societies. Since Family beliefs generally discourage the use of birth control, the overall average number of children for each married woman in The Family is about four, and it is not at all uncommon to find families with eight, nine, ten or more children. With such a number of children to care for, one could wonder what aspirations beyond caring for children are realistic for Family women. Once you have several children, doesn't that pretty much end your career as a disciple of Jesus?

                As the number of our children increased, our movement had to come to terms with the reality of having to care for children while continuing to serve God. David Berg recounted his own struggles along these lines years before, when he and his first wife, Jane (known as Eve), raised their four children. Jane had been very active in church work, so when she had children it seemed to her that she had "lost" her ministry. She wondered if she would ever preach or teach again! The mundane tasks of housework and caring for the children while her husband was often gone on church business were difficult for her to accept.

                What she didn't realize at the time was how very important to God's work her care and training of her children really was. Those children would someday help start a Christian work that would reach millions and circle the globe. To encourage members who were discovering that their children had become their major ministry, and who were tempted to lament the "loss" of their careers, David wrote:

                "God's gifts are God's work. ... [Children] are the Kingdom of God. So while you're taking care of those children you're helping God's Kingdom come "on Earth! -- As it is in Heaven." -- The Lord's Prayer! They are His Kingdom, members of His Kingdom. So are you, of course, but you're helping take care of His Kingdom on Earth, and you are helping it to come on Earth as it is in Heaven as you take care of His children." [15]

                Focusing on children as a new mission field and equally as important as other aspects of the work of God helped to lift from parents, and especially mothers, the feeling that they needed to do double duty: be a missionary as well as a parent. As time passed, however, a surprising fact became evident: Many of our most outstanding mothers and women leaders are those who also have many children! How is that possible? Conventional logic teaches that having children is supposed to effectively stop a mother's pursuit of personal interests and outside-the-home activities, certainly not increase them! In the larger society this is usually true, but Family members live in cooperative communities where help is available.

                One great advantage members of The Family enjoy is an ever-present support group, complete with built-in nursery and trusted friends who can help care for loved ones if a man or woman's talents are needed elsewhere for a time. [16] Also Family mothers have a public ministry that often allows them to take their kids to work with them, since Christian service work makes it easier for parents to find ways to include their children. Hence, Family mothers and fathers discovered that they were still able to accomplish a lot for the Lord (and sometimes more) through, with, and around their children.

                "I am convinced that our children and families are some of our greatest witnesses, the proofs of the pudding, the sample of the sermons, that what we have to say about living for the Lord the way we do really works!" [17]

                One bonus that comes from caring for, training and motivating children is that it provides some of the best leadership and people-handling training anyone can get. Recently, when Family leadership prayed for guidance as to the practicality and wisdom of young couples with children taking on leadership responsibilities, they received the following in prophecy from David:

                "The Lord is seeking out young married couples with children to be a leadership sample. [Speaking to young couples with children:] You understand what it's like to raise children! You understand all the difficulties involved with raising children. You know their needs. You know from first-hand experience, and that makes you a good candidate for leadership. ...

                "[Speaking to Maria and Family leadership:] Sometimes you feel that young couples should not be in a position of leadership because they have too many children. ... But the Lord will raise up caretakers and helpers for these young leadership couples ... [because] it is so important that these young leaders have children so that their peers can see that life and usefulness and challenge does not end when you get married and have children.

                "[Having children] is not the end of a career, it just enhances your career! -- And makes you more valuable for the Kingdom, more gifted and more understanding. It will truly be a testimony to The Family that you do believe that God's gift [of children] is God's work, that the fruit of the womb is His reward, and that [having children] doesn't hinder you in your service, but it is a blessing!" [18]

                Perhaps that explains why experienced mothers in The Family often march in where others fear to tread. Part of their secret is that they have moved quickly from being a mother "in captivity" to being a team captain; from saying, "Oh, my, I have so much to do," to saying, "Okay, listen up, we have a lot to do today, children!" When you see a line-up of young Family singers, or Family teens doing relief work at a disaster site, a Family Christmas play at a local orphanage, or a Family young person comforting someone facing death in a hospital or taking time to listen to a lonely heart in a home for the elderly, look for that busy mother not far away watching and praying and praising each one along. She has learned the secret of how to turn the "burden" of motherhood into an eternal blessing.

Parenting Responsibilities

                Even in our cooperative society, having children is hard work, especially considering that we nearly always home school our children. In the early days of the movement, a more kibbutzim-like approach prevailed in child care, with parenting being largely a collective concern. Raising children collectively has both advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, it increases the responsibility and love that all members feel for the children. But on the other hand, it can weaken parental influence and authority. Less direct parental involvement can in turn lessen an individual's sense of personal responsibility and accountability for the care and conduct of his or her own children.

                Finding the balance between parental and community care of children has been a challenge. To strengthen the parent-child bond and to give children needed time with their brothers and sisters, it is required in each community worldwide to set aside daily "Parent Time." We also suggest that Family parents set aside one day a week for a Family Day with their children. (A minimum of two Family Days per month is required, but four are encouraged.) Single mothers are encouraged to join with another family for Parent Time and Family Days, and single and married men are encouraged to provide father figures for any children who do not have their fathers with them. At present, the number of people per Family community is less than it was a few years ago, and this is having the effect of further uniting individual families.

                Our Family's Charter [19] requires that all members, be they single, married, single with children, or married with children, help provide proper care and education for all Family children. The Charter also states that "special attention must be paid to the needs of single parents and their children, so that children of single parents are treated with the same care as children having two parents."

Single Mothers

                We support the principle that every child needs and deserves to have both a father and a mother. Still, as in society at large, we respect the fact that this ideal is not always possible or practical, or even desired by everyone. Fortunately, our communal lifestyle provides our single parents (mostly single mothers) with all the advantages of living in an extended family where help is available.

                Unlike many of their counterparts in society at large, single mothers in The Family receive a great deal of help with the many details and responsibilities of daily life. Business matters are often taken care of by others. They do not have to worry about trying to find a safe, suitable, yet affordable daycare facility for their children. They do not have to leave their children in the care of people they do not personally know, and who do not know and love their children.

                Living communally can also help free single mothers from many of the daily chores that a mother living on her own would need to face. They do not normally come home tired from work and have to face doing grocery shopping, house cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry, driving, or worry about finding a baby sitter on short notice.

                Loneliness is not so great a problem for single mothers in The Family, as they usually have friends close by to talk to. They do not have to concern themselves with going out and trying to find a date, or some safe and suitable male companionship when they feel the need for love and comfort. Within our communities, it is acceptable for a single mother to ask one of the men in the Home for companionship or even sexual fellowship. This can include a married man, provided the wife gives her consent. The same conveniences and advantages are also afforded single fathers.

                Clearly being "single" in The Family is not the same as being single in society at large. Our Charter also makes it a moral obligation to care for and provide needed assistance to any single parent in a Family Home.

Abortion

                We acknowledge the great and eternal value God places on each human soul, and to deny a new human being the right to be born and experience life -- except when the mother's life is in danger -- we believe is clearly wrong. Although we oppose abortion, we do not condone or support any form of violent opposition against those who believe otherwise. (We believe aborted children continue their existence and develop in Heaven.) We are very sympathetic to expectant mothers who face extreme hardships because of the birth of a child, and provide counseling and help as we can, and believe much more must be done everywhere to make it easier for young mothers to keep and properly care for their babies.

                Our spiritual beliefs regarding the miracle of conception are best summed up in the following quotation by David Berg:

                "It is a miracle of God that conception takes place. I don't believe it just happens by accident. The spirit that that child contains is not physical! God has to cause the conception to take place that creates a new human soul by the combination of a new human body with a new human spirit. The flesh is a mere vehicle, it's a mere instrument, it's a tool. But it's the spirit that brings life and a new human soul into being, a new personality, a distinct, separate, individual personality different from anybody else in the whole world ... created by the hand of God and placed there in that tiny egg, along with a sperm, to become a new being, a new personality, a new human being, a new spirit, a new soul, an eternal, immortal, imperishable spirit!" [20]

Showing Affection

                Showing affection to others is characteristic of Family life. Being affectionate with others is considered to be quite different from making sexual advances. David and Maria explain the physical affection shown in Family communities as follows:

                "Affection is very important, kisses and cuddles and hugs, just to know you're loved; sex doesn't even enter into it. The physical contact is important, because it shows that you're loved and it helps you to feel secure. Sex isn't necessarily a sign of love, but affection is always a sign of love. That's real love, genuine love, and it can even be sacrificial love! Sex can be just a selfish thing, just because you need it and want it. But to give a person love and affection and cuddles to show that you love them, that's something that's beyond and more than and even greater than sex. -- That's real love, to show you love them.

                "I think it's real spiritual love and affection that count the most: The real love that you show them, the concerned and loving words you say, the affectionate comfort of holding you in their arms and simply feeling you dear and close to them, to feel that somebody really loves them and cares about them. It's a tremendous blessing and a great encouragement to them, and it inspires their faith to feel that you love them and really care whether they're happy or unhappy, that someone is actually concerned about them and their feelings and their happiness! It is such a small easy way to show it by just a smile or a kind word about the Lord's Love, a few affectionate pats or pecks." [21]

                Family beliefs, lifestyle and group safeguards greatly reduce the chances of sexual harassment being a problem. Sexual harassment can be defined as a one-sided and unwelcome sexual advance in which one person makes a habit of using their social or economic power or position to sexually intimidate or take sexual advantage of weaker or more vulnerable persons.

                Since our job is our way of life, "employees" and "management" live together as equals, especially since Home leadership is elected by the Home's voting members (those age 16 and above). Any attempt by a member to ask for or offer sex in exchange for job security, power or pay increases would be quite meaningless. In the absence of anything to be gained or lost, members are more free to be themselves.

                Showing affection and greeting members of the same or opposite sex with a friendly embrace is a social and scriptural tradition in The Family. Touching the person you are talking to is not uncommon, and such sincere and friendly expressions of affection and appreciation are, in fact, encouraged. Even if such an exchange between a man and woman does become mildly sexual in tone, if both are comfortable with it, no offense is taken.

                It is completely normal and natural for men to be attracted to, desirous and appreciative of, and even expressive of their delight in the beauty of a woman, as long as this is presented in a loving and considerate manner. Overt displays of sexual affection in public are avoided. Members are free to communicate with others and their overseers if they feel sexually intimidated or uncomfortable. In Family communities, being sexually offensive is a serious matter, which if continued, will jeopardize the offending member's place in The Family.

Sex

                One of the main things that sets The Family apart from other churches is the belief adults share in practicing certain sexual freedoms within Scriptural bounds. Family adults, be they single or married, are free to enjoy loving sexual relationships with other consenting adults. We believe that God is a sexy God. He created sex, so why would He not want us to enjoy it in love? And thus, we believe our love for one another, including sexual love, is an expression or illustration of God's Love for us. He created the beautiful marriage union of man and woman, with Himself also united in their union as part of their loving relationship.

                A married member is free, after receiving the agreement of their spouse, to have sex with another partner. Women are as free as men to initiate a sexual relationship. This sexual freedom is a very rewarding experience, but it is not without some personal sacrifice. One difficulty is finding the time. Both the men and women in The Family are very busy with their service for the Lord, their duties in the Home, and the care of their children. Another hindrance is the problem of jealousy. We have learned through experience of the need to be extremely considerate of others' feelings and to do everything possible to avoid or at least minimize the circumstances that would trigger or intensify jealousy. Love, prayer, consideration and understanding go a long way in helping someone to combat the temptation to be jealous. Another obstacle to a person who is married having sexual contact with a single person is that the married person doesn't have an overwhelming need for sexual activity with others, because their sexual needs are met by their spouse.

                But in spite of these obstacles, married people do share sexually with singles because "the love of Christ constrains them" to help their brother or sister in need. Such giving is regarded as a sacrifice, and it is respected and admired in The Family as being evidence of unselfish love. This sexual freedom is not simply a chance for married folks to bed-hop, but it is a sacrificial act that the married ones do in faith, trusting God that their marriage will remain strong and that the Lord will bless their giving.

                Some of the sexual sharing that our married members have with others outside their marriage unions results in long-term relationships. Some married women or married men take on another companion or lover on a permanent or semi-permanent basis, providing their mate is in agreement, of course. This, however, is rather rare, since it requires extraordinary trust and sacrificial love and an exceptional amount of stability in a marriage for either married partner to establish a third-party relationship on a permanent basis.

                Open marriages and the freedom to fully enjoy sex as a pleasurable gift of God bring about a higher degree of unity and love than is usually found in other churches. While sex is not the most important thing in our lives by any means, sexual sharing is especially helpful in our communal lifestyle, as it draws us closer to each other and to the Lord, and assures that everyone's sexual needs are being provided for in a clean, healthy, safe and loving environment. As Christians, we try to follow Christ's commandment to love our neighbor as ourselves and be attentive to the needs of those around us. Jesus said, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these My brethren, ye have done it unto Me" (Matthew 25:40).

                Although we are sexually liberal, at the same time we realize that sexual activities must have fixed boundaries to prevent hurt or abuse. As Saint Paul said, "All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: All things are lawful for me, but all things edify not"(1 Corinthians 10:23)."For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" (Galatians 5:13,14). The clear boundaries that we have established to govern our sexual freedoms include:

                1) No sexual contact between adults and minors.

                2) No male-with-male sexual activity.

                3) No sex with those outside The Family.

                4) Sexual activity between adults must be with full consent and done in private. Married members should have the consent of their spouse and, if conditions require, the consent of others involved, if they wish to have sex outside of their marriage.

                Although we have a sex-positive approach to life, and believe it is right to be loving, considerate and as accommodating to others as possible, this does not mean that Family women or men are obliged say "yes" to sexual offers or requests. Our Charter clearly leaves all choices in sexual matters up to the individual. All sexual requests are expected to be made discreetly and without coercion.

                We feel it is Scriptural for husbands and wives to be as sexually accommodating to each other as possible and to not refuse their marriage partner sex unless circumstances make it difficult or impossible. Saint Paul admonished: "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (1 Corinthians 7:3,4; NKJV).

Lesbianism

                David Berg taught that it is generally not wholesome or natural for women to only desire to have sex with other women. Present Family policy is that exclusive female homosexual relationships are not permitted. That does not, however, mean that we prohibit all female-with-female sexual activity. The Bible and our Charter explicitly prohibit male-with-male sexual activity, but there are no passages specifically forbidding such activity between women. David considered it fairly natural for women to be affectionate and loving towards each other. Hence, though rare, it would not be totally unacceptable for two women to enjoy sexual contact in private, as long as it does not lead to a relationship that excludes men. Of course, as with all sexual relations in The Family, any such female-with-female activity must be with mutual consent, and no one should be coerced or feel pressured into participating.

Sex in Heaven

                Since the joy of having sex was part of God's original creation, we believe that sex and having children will remain a very real and wonderful part of the Life to come, which we will enjoy in supernatural, miraculous, resurrected, transformed angel-like bodies. Although Jesus said that people do not marry in the Kingdom of God, He did not say they would not have sex; He only said they would be like the angels of God [22] (Matthew 22:30). In the Book of Genesis it tells us that the angelic "sons of God" at times had sex with women on Earth: "When the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men of renown" (Genesis 6:1-4).

Our Violence-Free Lifestyle

                We try to maintain harmonious home environments, free from excessive competitiveness, aggression, bullying, intimidation or violence. Even during vigorous sports, love and consideration are stressed above winning. Playing violent video games, watching excessively violent TV shows and movies, using harsh and disrespectful language, or listening to secular songs that promote violence or abuse or unloving sex are all discouraged. Differences of opinion or disagreements are to be resolved through prayer, honest communications and counseling.

                Intentional acts of violence, except in self-defense, are not tolerated -- especially any form of domestic violence. Any member who is violent with a spouse or children faces expulsion from The Family. Since we live communally, any such offensive behavior is soon noticed.

                To further assure communal harmony and the health and safety of all members, limits are placed on alcohol consumption, and of course, any use of illicit drugs is strictly forbidden.

                Boys and girls are taught to be protective of their younger brothers and sisters. Men and boys in The Family are expected to be gentle and respectful, manifesting qualities such as love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, goodness and faith. We do not consider these Godly characteristics a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength and the presence of the Holy Spirit at work in their lives. Women, for their part, are expected to not only be feminine, but to be loyal, brave and dedicated "soldiers for Jesus," willing to "endure hardness" side by side with the men (2 Timothy 2:3,4). Some aspects of our Christian work do involve enduring discomforts and at times even facing significant dangers. Family women have endured persecution equally with the men. [23]

Women in the Workplace -- Advantages of a Non-competitive Lifestyle

                In The Family, there are many cases where men work under women, just like there are cases where women work under men. In spite of differences in titles and responsibilities, members work side by side with mutual respect and regard for the gifts, talents, experience, and opinions of each other. Having yielded our hearts to Jesus, it makes it easier for us to yield to one another.

                Being united in a common cause and members of a unique Christian communal movement dedicated to Jesus and His message of Love creates a social bond that is often missing in larger society. Family communities enjoy an atmosphere of mutual respect, trust, admiration and interdependency that transcends age and gender differences. Young and old, married or single, male or female are frequently called upon to share their different viewpoints and opinions on matters. Each person is needed and contributes their particular skill, knowledge or ability to help the group function and survive.

                When humility abounds, all can work together and when there is a need call upon those who have the gifts that they lack. This is what we refer to as "teamworking." No man is complete in himself. No woman is complete in herself. The Lord has made it this way so we all must work together as a team in unity, as God Himself works unitedly with the Holy Spirit, His Wife and Jesus, His Son, for the good of His creation.

                Our entire social structure is based on cooperation, sacrificial love, helping and sharing with others. Just as the universe is run by the Heavenly Teamwork of the Trinity, we find it is best to have our Homes overseen by at least three elected leaders who must learn to blend their talents and abilities and work as a partnership, in love and unity and mutual respect. Even in those situations where one person, for example Maria, holds a more senior title, she still works in teamwork and in counsel with those who help her in this responsibility. Leadership in The Family is to be more a position of guiding than controlling, commanding or domineering.

                In Family communities, excessive competition as a virtue or workplace motivator is out of place. Likewise, job or gender inequality is considered counter-productive and has little ground to develop. Family women do not have to compete with men for key jobs, positions, or needed salary increases, since they are equal "shareholders and owners" and run the "company" just as much as the men. In the absence of pay differences, or having to meet certain pre-requisites for employment, or any great disparities in job status, people are more free to gravitate to those jobs they have the greatest interest in and where the greatest need is. Individual interest, initiative, and ability are greater determinants of job and position in The Family than gender.

                In The Family, age, education and gender do not greatly affect one's job success, as can be the case in secular society. Our principal task is to preach the Gospel, and this goal can be just as readily accomplished by a woman as by a man; even our young people can succeed in our primary work, in some cases more effectively than adults. We do have many other jobs and individual ministries, but we consider these secondary and supportive to our central purpose. Some jobs may seem more personally appealing or interesting, but overall, the social status and spiritual value associated with different jobs in The Family remains about the same, whether it be cooking, child care, business, writing, etc. [24]

                Within our communities we are less directly affected by wage or income differences than those in secular society. Our incomes are pooled, unless someone takes a secular job to raise funds for a special personal need. Individuals may receive spending money or funds to purchase certain needs, but generally purchases are made and bills paid collectively, and any funds received are not distributed in the form of wages to individuals. Because everyone receives about the same benefits, and all share their belongings and work voluntarily, members of a Home all live and operate at about the same social and economic level. Even those who bear greater responsibility, or undertake more difficult or technical jobs, or have seniority because of their experience or time in The Family, are not usually materially advantaged. No matter how prestigious one's job may be, or whether they are male or female, they usually drive in the same car, sit at the same table, eat the same food, and live in the same house as every other member of their Family community.

                Very few jobs in The Family are considered the exclusive domain of either gender. Men often work in home maintenance, dishes, cooking, or childcare. Of course, more males than females do the heavy physical work, just as more females than males choose to work with children. The social effect of this community partnership or team approach to work, combined with the overall sense of job equality, can hardly be stressed enough to those trying to understand life for women in The Family. As David Berg put it:

                "The babies and children are not just woman's work! They used to have an old song, 'Let the women do the work, do the work, do the work!' -- Well, that's not supposed to be true in our Family. We're all supposed to have our jobs, that's true, and the old-fashioned idea was that inside [at home] work is for the women, outside work is for the men.

                "In The Family we're supposed to be willing to do whatever needs to be done, whether it's inside or outside, or cooking, washing dishes or taking care of babies or children or whatever needs to be done. If you have real love for the Lord and each other and the children, you will do whatever needs to be done." [25]

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A Personal Message from Maria

                When talking about equal opportunity or equal rights for men and women, the real question that is often on our minds, whether we readily admit it or not is, "Who is in charge?" Competition, pride, comparing and discontentment haunt many peoples' lives today. What a relief it would be if in every workplace and in our personal lives we could simply recognize each others' talents, skills, and strengths; and without regard for gender, do the best we can to make sure each person is in the position where he or she will be happy and challenged and able to accomplish the most for the advancement of whatever company, organization or church we're involved with. "But," you're probably saying, "that's more easily said than done." You're right!

                People everywhere yearn to be liberated. The quest for freedom is not unique to women. Men, too, long for liberation. But where can one find it? -- The secret to freedom is not in men dominating women, or in women dominating men, but in everyone working together. We believe this is what not only true Christianity, but society at large should be like -- men and women working together in harmony, united, blended together in God's Love, each fulfilling their role, each one esteeming the other person better than themselves, in humility serving one another.

                This to you might seem a very unrealistic dream, a utopia that could never really exist on this Earth. Given the common faults in human nature, how in the world can we get around such things as contention, jealousies, divisiveness, fierce competition, dog-eat-dog back-stabbing, etc.?

                In today's world, many have seen the resources and talents of women being unexplored, underdeveloped, neglected and unused. Some have sought to remedy this problem in their own strength, by force, by legislation, even by domination, and in so doing, they have perverted the grace and beauty that God has bestowed upon women. But we believe God has a way that is superior to this. To begin with, it might surprise you to know that God doesn't extol the strength of an individual, whether male or female. For the strength of the individual is very limited, but the greater strength, the greater anointing, the greater liberation, the greater love and the greater gifts come from Above, from God. Therefore those who are most liberated, whether they be men or women, are those who look to the Lord and depend on Him and call on Him for their strength.

                When you bow in surrender to Jesus Christ, you take His Spirit into your heart, into your life, into your mind. And as you yield and surrender more and more to Him, you blossom and grow. -- Then the talents and gifts that God has given you are multiplied many times over, so that you are not as you once were. You become a new person in Him, not with the strength of the flesh, but with the beauty and power and anointing of the Spirit. Even if you are a weak vessel, with no strength of your own, He can empower you with great gifts. This is true of both men and women.                When you yield to the Lord, His power will empower you. This is the power of surrender. When you give your life to Him fully, He takes over. You've surrendered, and in a sense you've become immersed in Him, giving yourself to Him. Your yieldedness and meekness become powerful, because it is the Lord's Spirit in you. He is the One working in you and through you. It's not that you become powerful in yourself; He becomes the power working in you.

                God's Spirit can work through both women and men. It allows women to have the faith to exercise their gifts and talents, and men to have the faith to recognize and appreciate those gifts and talents, without feeling threatened. Unfortunately, too often women have used their womanly powers for their own benefit, for ugly domination. They have used their gifts in a cruel way, instead of a loving way. But when women's strengths and gifts are manifested by allowing God's Spirit to work through them, they uplift, they encourage, they show love.

                The key to true liberation is not seeking domination or power or having one gender ruling over the other, but it is each one lifting up the other, the man helping the woman, and the woman helping the man, and each one giving what he or she is able to give. The solution is unselfishness and sacrifice on both sides, mutual acceptance of the gifts and talents of the other, mutual recognition of God's Spirit in each person.

                The more we yield to God's Spirit, the more we discover there need not be a separation between the sexes. For the Lord is in all of us who have received Him, and He is empowering all of us and working through all of us; and as we grow closer to Him, we will see more and more of His Spirit in each other. We will not think, "This is the opinion of a woman," or "This is the opinion of a man," but we will see that it is a miracle of God's Spirit at work.

                Love, respect, trust, mutual admiration and appreciation for each other come from God, especially when we yield to Him and love Him and worship Him. If you seek to have these fruits in your life, you first must come to Jesus, and He will empower you and bless you with the fruits of His Spirit, and with a true understanding of all the gifts and talents that He has bestowed upon His men and His women. You can't do this on your own. You need Jesus' help.

                All of us who believe in and have received Jesus are His Bride, collectively and individually. He is our Husband, and He wants us all to respect and love Him, as a woman would her husband. Being yielded to Jesus as our Husband helps us to yield to each other and respect each other. He is the only One Who can give us sufficient love and respect for one another -- regardless of our gender, and start us down the path that leads to true liberating equality. -- Maria

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Conclusion

                Although this article mainly deals with the role of women in The Family, we hope it gives you a personal measure of renewed hope and inspiration. Our common faith and experience have convinced us that there is much that even one person with God can do. We firmly believe that God can use anything or anyone to accomplish the impossible. David Brandt Berg's vision inspired a group of mostly hippies to work together to help evangelize the world. He also believed that women, in the power of the Holy Spirit, would in these Last Days come forward and do great things.

                It is so easy to lose sight of hope when there is such a preponderance of negative forces at work, robbing humanity of peace, love and happiness. The love between men and women seems to be growing colder, and the exchange of human affection, even between members of one's own family, friends, fellow workers, caregivers and children, is often being withheld because of selfishness, hurt or fear. Sadder still is that in the aching void of human hearts, that love could fill and where love could abound, instead grows bitterness, loneliness, low self-esteem, frustration, anger and violence. And all the while, a world of wonderful marriages, rewarding family life, the joys of motherhood, warm friendships, fulfilling jobs in caring places of work, and safe, healthy, wholesome environments for our children could be ours if we would just unite in the Love of God and make it so.

                God promises there is a better way and a much brighter day just beyond the horizon of these troubled times. But you don't have to wait! You can let His Love pour into your life and fill your heart and brighten your corner of the world this very moment. Simply pause for a moment of strength with Him and pray this little prayer:

                Jesus, please come into my life and fill me with Your Light and Love and empower me with the Spirit of God. Show me Your solutions to my problems, and give me Your strength and courage to face this day, and do what I can to help others. Amen.

                Jesus said: "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in Heaven" (Matthew5:16).We leave you with a vision of womanhood that has endured through three millenniums of human history:

                Who can find a virtuous woman? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts in her. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches carefully over her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her, saying "Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all." Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised (Proverbs 31:10-12,25-30, edited).

                If you have any further questions or wish to comment, or if you need a friend, counsel or encouragement, please do not hesitate to contact us at the address below:

                Visit The Family at our Internet Web site: http://www.thefamily.org/family

                E-mail: family@thefamily.org

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What Is The Family?

                The Family is an international fellowship of independent Christian communities, with members in over 60 countries. Our current full-time membership numbers about 3,000 adults and their 6,000 children, as well as over 20,000 associates.

                The Family has three broad objectives. First and foremost is to share with others the life-giving message of hope and Salvation found in God's Word. Secondly, we try to be a living example of the love that we preach. Toward this end, The Family produces and distributes worldwide, a wide selection of inspirational publications and audio and video tapes. Members perform regularly at musical benefits, serve as volunteers in disaster relief, and often seek ways to provide comfort to the disadvantaged. Our third objective is to ensure that each of our children receives a Godly upbringing in the best possible environment we can provide.

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References

                [1] ML #2989:42; 2/95.

                [2] We trace our origins to 1968, when our founder, David Berg, began sharing the good news of God's Love with the disillusioned youth of America's hippie counterculture. His original following soon grew into the movement known as the Children of God (COG), who played a significant role in the "Jesus Revolution" of the time. In early 1978, the Children of God was dissolved and The Family of Love was formed with a new organizational structure. The Family of Love is now known simply as The Family. We follow a communal lifestyle patterned after that of the earliest Christians, sharing our material possessions, resources and responsibilities (see Acts 2:44,45).

                [3] David Berg, whose pen name at the time was Moses David, communicated with his followers through letters of inspiration and counsel, which became known as "MO Letters."

                [4] ML #1474:50; 1/83.

                [5] ML #1001:23; 4/81.

                [6] ML #2102:31; 10/85.

                [7] ML #1026:148,153; 7/81.

                [8] ML #501:50; 4/76.

                [9] See "Flirty Fishing -- The Inside Story" -- a series of testimonies of lives changed through FFing.

                [10] See Genesis 3; 2 Corinthians 11:3.

                [11] Mop 81:54.

                [12] Mop 81:82.

                [13] ML #154:62; 2/72.

                [14] ML #154:78; 2/72.

                [15] ML #746:64-66; 8/78.

                [16] Please see other Family Statements, such as "The Heritage and Home Life of Our Children," for further details.

                [17] ML #315:3; 10/74.

                [18] Prophetic message received from David from the spirit world, October 1995.

                [19] "The Love Charter of Responsibilities and Rights" is the governing constitution of The Family, often referred to simply as "The Charter."

                [20] ML #1566:6; 7/83.

                [21] FSM 241; 7/93 [citing a compilation of quotations from: ML #1923:13; 5/85; ML #2445:5; 5/88; ML #309:14,25; 4/74].)

                [22] "For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in Heaven" (Matthew 22:30).

                [23] Paramilitary police raids stirred up by anti-cult groups against Family communities in Spain, Australia, France and Argentina in recent years made international headlines, although scant attention was paid to the outcome. After intensive investigations, all charges were dropped for lack of evidence of any wrongdoing.

                [24] See "What Is The Family?", page 28, for an outline of our main goals.

                [25] ML #746:22,23; 8/78.