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Family Specials News Magazine!
FSM 162 (FN 271) DFO
Copyright: March 1990
By Family Services, Zurich, Switzerland


Dear Faithy,
        GBY! WLYSM! We've been very happy to read your reports on the JETTs & how involved you've been with them. It's so encouraging to see you so involved in one of our most important ministries--our precious children. It certainly sounds as if you're growing & making real progress & we're all very proud of you. We were also thrilled to read your recent report about what the Lord showed you regarding your personal relationships. It's wonderful to see you so open & yielded to the Lord! PTL!
        It's so very encouraging to see the tremendous progress you've made over the last year-&-a-half since you've been at the School. You've passed many difficult tests & the progress you've made has been very commendable. God bless you for being such a fighter!L
        Knowing that you have overcome so many battles over the last 18 months, it seems that perhaps now the Lord has brought you to the threshold of a new battle that He definitely wants you to win.--The battle with alcoholism. It has become evident in this last year that you have been fighting a losing battle with alcohol. You've been turning to it for solace & comfort, & it seems to have a serious grip on you.
        In fact, the alcoholism seems to be one of the major causes of your independence, as because of it you want to go places alone & be left alone so that you can purchase alcohol & drink. An alcoholic is not necessarily one who has to drink all day every day, it's just someone who has a DEPENDENCY on alcohol, whether they drink it once a day, once a week, or even once a month or once a year. If they're dependent on it, they are an alcoholic. You've proven your dependency by your actions. You go out of your way to buy alcohol, using all kinds of excuses & reasons, both true & false, to do so. Once you have any alcohol available you drink to excess.
        Although alcoholism can sometimes be a weakness that is inherited, it's no different or worse than the weaknesses that others inherit from their relatives, like myself with depression. Such weaknesses can't be accepted as inevitable, they have to be fought against. In discussing your problem with drinking, Dad said, "This is definitely something Faithy needs to fight against & get the victory over. She should not drink any more at all, & if I hear she's spending any of her monthly gift on buying alcohol I will withdraw the gift. I know it's a hard battle to fight, but I know the Lord can deliver her. She needs to make a public confession, as I did, & ask for prayer as I have, & I know the Lord can help her as He's helping me. I love her & I'm praying for her."
        As with any serious weakness, the most important factors for victory are: Admitting it openly, making the decision to take a stand & actively fight it & ask for the laying on of hands & desperate prayer. We recommend that you ask the whole body to lay hands on you & pray against this problem. We're sure some of them are already aware of it & have either seen you or heard about you having a problem with alcohol, & they would be happy to join in to try & help you to gain a lasting victory in this area. A lot of people in the Family have had or have this problem & you could be a real sample to them of someone who will openly & honestly admit it, confess it, & get the victory over it.
        We love you, Faithy, & know the Lord can help you to overcome as He has in so many other areas. You've been a good sample of really fighting for the victory & we trust you will be in this too. Please know that we have you in our prayers. We love you so much! God bless & keep you.
       Love, Peter


Dearest Ones,
       PTL! ILYSM & think of you daily & have you constantly in my prayers. It was really wonderful to have that chance to have desperate prayer for you. PTL! I was so happy that we had that fast day, Dad, & were able to all have desperate united prayer together & claim your healing & ask the Lord to keep your security. It was timely for me also, because I really needed that day to get close to the Lord myself about some of my problems. The prayer & fast day happened right after I had recovered from my bad fall, just before I began to work with the "Teen Victor Program" for problem teens.
       So it was a real special day for me & it started to lay the groundwork & prepare my heart for what was to come. It seems like I always get a lot of help myself when I pray for you. I'm thankful for the power of prayer because it has really saved my life & ministry a number of times. I want to thank you for being such an example of asking for prayer & depending on prayer. You've been a real good example for me. PTL!


       In Jesus' name, help me to be as clear & concise as possible with what I need to share. TYJ! I first want to thank you for your message to me. You saved my life with that message & I want to really thank you for having the faith to confront the issue with me & believe that God is going to do it. You made it possible for me to fight by your faith & your own example, because I just didn't have the will to fight.
       I don't believe I had ever been willing to face the fact that I needed to give up alcohol completely.--And I certainly wasn't willing to face that I was an actual ALCOHOLIC & had the disease of ALCOHOLISM, which to me was the worst thing anybody could possibly tell me. So when I read your message, at first I was very CONVICTED, but I also was very AFRAID & even somewhat rebellious because I didn't think I could do it.
       About a week before I received your message, I had been caught drinking & Josiah asked me to return from helping with the Victor Program & re-evaluate my priorities. So at that time I had a chance to think & pray & contemplate about what I was doing & where I was heading. But most of all, I had a chance to really read the Word, & everywhere I looked I was confronted with what the Lord wanted me to do about my drinking problem. But even though I knew what to do & I was getting it from the Word, I didn't have the COURAGE to confront it myself. I am really a coward when it comes to things like that. I am not the greatest confessor in the world, especially if it means confessing something that is a total death to my SELF-IMAGE & my PRIDE & whatever REPUTATION I may or may not have.
       I want to thank you for laying your own life on the line for me. I think what really helped me was when you, Dad, told me that the Lord could help me to fight it like He had helped you.--That really spoke to me, that I wasn't alone in the battle.
       I know that the Lord was really trying to speak to me & get through to me, especially after I had that bad fall down the stairs where I bruised my face so badly. I knew that the jig was up & that the Lord was really displeased with me, & He had allowed the unthinkable to happen--the Devil was able to sock it to me because of my independence. I refused to connect my fall to my drinking, although deep down in my heart I knew that it was connected, because I knew that my independence was connected to my alcoholism--as you so aptly put it in your message to me. But I wasn't willing to admit that to myself, just like I wasn't willing to admit that I was an alcoholic.


       Each point in the message where you outlined my problem really rang true, although it was the hardest thing in the world that I ever had to hear about. There are some points from it which I have somewhat memorised or they are indelibly written upon the tables of my heart--if not word for word, at least the facts.
       Number one, it really rang true that you felt MY INDEPENDENCE WAS CONNECTED TO MY ALCOHOLISM. I could clearly see that drinking caused me to be apart from others, due to the fact that I thought I had to drink ALONE so that I wouldn't stumble anyone else. I thought my only sin in drinking would be if I stumbled someone else. I felt if I was just drinking for my OWN comfort & solace, then there was nothing wrong with that.
       But as you so clearly put it, my drinking did cause a lot of other effects. It caused me to lie & deceive & cover up, just for the sake of drinking. I tried to play it down in my own mind, that it wasn't such a big thing & I wasn't depending on it because I could go for long periods of time, even months without it, so I thought, "How could I be dependent upon it?" But you really cornered me on that excuse when you said that it doesn't matter if I drink once a day, once a month or once a year, if I am dependent at ALL on that drink, then I am an alcoholic.
       That little truth really shook me up. I could see that I did turn to drinking at specific times, & therefore I was dependent on it at those times no matter how frequent or how rare they were. So that hit the nail on the head on that point. You sort of cut off my every excuse by the things that you shared--such as about alcoholism, that I don't have to ACCEPT it, I just have to FIGHT it!


       The week before I received your message, when I was contemplating & re-evaluating my whole walk with the Lord, I was reading the Word & the Lord led me to two Letters that I just opened to. I was hungry for the Lord to speak to me, even though I wasn't so willing to totally ACT upon it.
       As I said earlier, I thought that my drinking wasn't hurting anybody but myself. I wasn't STUMBLING anybody, I should say, so I thought my problem with drinking was just between me & the Lord. I guess that's what all alcoholics tell themselves, that nobody else knows but them; when actually, as you mentioned, it had probably been obvious to others, because if there is any alcohol around I do tend to drink excessively.
       I thought, "Well, drinking doesn't make me violent, it doesn't make me do bad things." But I read "Christmas Eve Massacre" & I was shocked by the point where it says, "Some people it just makes very silly in their conduct & a poor example." (ML #856:71) Josiah has told me that when I have too much to drink I get quite silly or out-of-line. This is because, of course, I can't be on guard & watching what I am saying & all that, because it seems I get quite out of control. So although I told myself I wasn't stumbling anyone, obviously I WAS because other people could see it. So that really showed me that MY OVERALL SAMPLE WAS HURTING OTHERS.
       Then I read in "Christmas Eve Massacre" where it says, "Any tiny little gap in our united front can cause serious problems. ...It's a very poor testimony & a very bad, sad witness, & has reflected against the Family in a few cases." And finally this point really put the nail in the coffin, "May God forbid that we should have any Christmas Eve Massacres or a slaughter of our spiritual effectiveness for the Lord on any Eve or any day--anytime--because of drink or drug abuse!...That we never massacre our effective work for the Lord or be a bad influence on our fellow Christians...May the Lord deliver us from these sins & keep us pure & strong & aware & ready to fight the Enemy even in a surprise attack." (ML #856:113,124,86,77,86)
       This Letter also advises that if a person drinks excessively you should give them two or three admonitions & then reject them. And I thought, "I have had quite a few admonitions, I wonder if I deserve excommunication or what?!"
       Then I just turned to "Get the Victory or Get Out!" & that was a shock! I hadn't read that Letter for awhile & I was really scared, because I could see so clearly what the Lord wanted me to do.
       The Lord was showing me that He wanted this problem to be a PUBLIC thing. He wanted to make it public knowledge & He wanted me to have public, united prayer & get the victory or get out! The key point in this Letter that spoke to me was, "Then it really puts the person, the problem case, on the spot to deliver the goods or be a failure, because very often it's up to THEIR will." (DB1, pg. 303)


       Quite obviously, even though I have had prayer for my drinking problem a number of times, my WILL was not completely surrendered. What I realise now is that I was never willing to give up drinking completely, or even confess to myself that I had a serious problem & that I was an alcoholic & I needed to be delivered from this addiction & this dependence that I had on it.
       "Get the Victory or Get Out" has that same message about "If he will not hear them, then let him be cast out as an heathen & an heretic."--And that was really a shake-up! (See Tit.3:10; Mat.18:17.) I thought, "Oh Lord, are You telling me that my time is up & that I have got to get the victory or get out?"
       The Letter goes on to say, "The Devil really tries to scare people out of taking a definite step of faith & putting God & themselves on the spot." (DB1, pg.304) I know that's the case because when I read your message to me I was just scared to death! I was just super scared of having it all exposed in public & having to go in front of the whole body for public prayer. I thought that was the worst thing that I could possibly be asked to do. Fear really gripped me! But the verse says that if you go to the individual person & they don't change, then you take two or three & if they still won't change, then you've got to bring him before all. (See Mat.18:15-17)
       I knew that I had had the private warnings & the warnings from two people also. Josiah had talked to me, & then Josiah & Chris had talked to me & different ones had prayed for me at the School & at the Office & so on, but now it was going to have to be brought out before all! I felt the Lord speaking to me through this as clearly as anything He has ever spoken to me about.
       It says in "Get the Victory or Get Out" that this is a very trying ordeal. Then there was a real key point: "It's a trial of faith, & it takes the combined faith of the leadership, the congregation & the problem case." (DB1, pg.305) It explains how you've got to expose the individual & if they really want it we know that God won't fail, God will give the victory. That was the key point. This point showed me if I really WANTED deliverance, I was going to get it. I guess before I just never wanted to believe that my drinking problem was as SERIOUS as it is. I was completely DECEIVING MYSELF.
       It says, "Let everybody know it's serious & really pray & bring'm before the congregation, have public prayer! And if there is complete unity with all three factors--the problem case, the congregation & the Lord--then you will get RESULTS!" (DB1, pg.305) Oh, I could just feel those words piercing my heart! Inside of me I was just torn up, because I knew that the reason I hadn't been healed from alcoholism before was because I wasn't letting go of it.
       Then it says, "The problem case seldom ever wants to be put on the spot & publicly exposed & be made a public problem case, because he knows then he's GOT to get the victory." (DB1, pg.305) I knew if I did this, if I followed through with the Lord's leading of having public confession & prayer, then I wouldn't be able to drink any more.--And that is exactly why, even after the Lord spoke to me so clearly, I still didn't want to go to Josiah & tell him, "Josiah, I am going to have to be brought before the whole School for prayer." I just couldn't face it, I couldn't tell him, I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the courage, I didn't have the guts & I didn't have the will & the want-to.


       I must say that the Lord is really faithful, He really spoke to me & told me what I needed to do. Then I read "Roll Ye Away the Stone". It says that you have to roll away the stone & you have to WORK for it. "We have to work at these things ourselves & weary ourselves with them." (DB1, pg.571) I know that the Lord was bringing me along step-by-step, just like you said. He brought me to the threshold of this, the biggest test of all. He didn't force it on me last year, I wasn't ready for it, but He brought me along. Whatever I was willing for the Lord to do & whatever changes I was willing to let Him make, He faithfully made.
       Like the lessons I've been learning concerning forsaking my unfruitful personal relationships, when I was finally willing to face it & give it up, the Lord changed my heart. He really did it. I consider that to be a really big miracle. But it is amazing that I was willing to give up RELATIONSHIPS even before I was willing to give up DRINKING!
       I got the picture of the guy who sits alone in his room with his bottle, which is kind of like his wife & his whole source of comfort & companionship. I guess that is what I was doing. In a way, I was kind of bargaining with the Lord, "OK, Lord, I will give up THIS thing (unfruitful relationships), but I've got to keep THAT thing (drinking) in order to make it, to be able to take it. You can't ask me to give up BOTH because I can't bear forsaking both. Forsaking some personal relationships is bearable IF I have this (drinking), but You can't possibly mean that I have to give it ALL up, because I need it to bear it!"


       Also the Letter about Leah (ML#2547, GN396) was really convicting me, but at the same time I was using every excuse in the book why I didn't have to accept its message. It says, "She will probably say that she is NOT addicted to them. Very few drug addicts & alcoholics will ADMIT that they are addicted." (ML#2547:11) Also the part about wasting God's money, which you also mentioned specifically in your message to me, was extremely convicting.
       It was like the Lord was giving me every opportunity, every Word on it to get the point across.--Like where you said to Leah that her co-worker needed to get tough with her & lay down the law & that we don't want anybody in the Family who is addicted to any kind of drugs, pills or whatever. Then you used the example of Mrs. Dukakis publicly admitting it--there was that "PUBLICLY admitting it" again!
       I knew the Lord was really trying to get that point across to me, that I needed to confess PUBLICLY, & that was what He wanted me to do. But I still COULDN'T, until your message came & then I had no alternative. I knew you were right & I knew all the points that you covered in your message were right!
       Well, as I say, I used every excuse in the book. Even about Leah, I thought, "Look she's a DRUG ADDICT & I'm not as bad as THAT! And at least I'm not a big leader in a real important position like she is. Besides, she was in such a state & the Lord let her carry on in a big leadership position.--I don't know if the Lord treated me fairly because He didn't let me carry on in a big leadership position with my less serious problem. He has really humbled & chastised me & taken everything away from me, & now she's got everything I had & here she's a bigger mess than I was!" (Ed: What Faithy didn't know when she wrote this was that Leah had been relieved of her responsibilities in order to allow her the time to work on her weaknesses without having to bear the burden of leadership at the same time. TTL, she seems to be totally delivered & is making tremendous progress in her rehabilitation.) The Devil was really using it to give me excuses for hanging on to my alcoholism. I like to say "alcoholism" because it does me good to say it, because I get more CONVICTION about it every time I say the dirty word.


       But slowly the Lord was showing me the fruit that drinking has been bearing in my life. I was getting little glimpses of it, as long as I was willing to see it. I reflected back on when I fell down a flight of stairs.--I felt so alone & so bad & so terrified! I was wondering what I had done that was so bad & what had displeased the Lord so much that He had to take such drastic action with me & allow the Devil to really hurt me. But the Lord in His mercy healed me so fast!--Everyone who saw my bruised & scratched face when it was at its worst really gave the glory to the Lord for my healing, & now there is almost no sign of the bruises at all, which I know is just the Lord's mercy! PTL!
       When I reflected back on that bad accident, it was like a reference point of the Lord's displeasure. It was as if He said, "Remember how you felt? You knew it was serious! Okay, this is it! This is the moment for the victory & you can't play around with it any more."


       These were the things the Lord gave me specifically about my drinking problem the week before I got your message. But as I say, I didn't have the courage or the guts to obey on my own. So when I got your message I thought, "This is REALLY it! Those quotes I received were all the Lord. He told me what to do & I didn't do it, & now I'm being told AGAIN. Now I have to do it & do it publicly to make sure I change, to make sure I fight for it."
       I knew that the Lord was speaking to me & He had given me many victories along the way, but this was the hour for THIS victory.--And that's exactly what you said in your message, that all of this progress & all of these victories were to bring me to the threshold of this victory.


       But I have to say that I STILL FOUGHT IT! I just literally freaked out & said, "No, I can't do it & I won't do it & you can't make me do it!" I was just really, I mean REALLY scared!--Scared & rebellious! I was scared of being totally & publicly humiliated & exposed with what I considered to be one of the worst things that could happen to me.
       Josiah gave me the message before I went on my visa trip. To be honest, I tried to convince myself that I didn't NEED the prayer because I had already made the decision in my heart to give up drinking completely. I thought, "I have made that decision in my heart, so I don't know why the Lord is asking me to have this public prayer & confession."
       I was rebellious about it & thinking that the Lord was asking too much of me, & to prove it I was going to take this visa trip & I was NOT going to fall back into my drinking problems!--And then when I came back I was going to show them: "I don't NEED the prayer, because I'm okay!"


       I came back from my visa trip & I told Josiah that I was okay now. Well, Josiah knew that I needed to get back over to help work with the Victors, & he wanted to get this problem taken care of & get it behind me, so he sat me down & talked to me about it. But I just said, "No, I can't do it! It's too much. The Lord is asking too much this time! It would be too humbling & too humiliating. Besides, I just can't accept that I am an alcoholic! I just can't believe that I have alcoholism!" I was fighting & fighting it!
       I told him, "If you FORCE me to have this prayer, it's going to be like other prayers I have had, prayers that I felt forced to have, but my will was not completely there with the prayer. But if those are the conditions, that I HAVE to have this prayer before I get to go back to work with the Teen Victors--& I really want to go back to work with the Teen Victors, because I really want to help those kids--then I will have this prayer. But I am not really ready to make this decision right now & make this total surrender & have this total victory & this total public humiliation, I'm just not ready for it. You've just got to give me time to get my WILL there."
       But then Josiah said, "OK, that settles it. I'm not going to force you. You're right! This time you need to have this prayer because you WANT to fight & you WANT to get the victory. You need to have it when YOU want to have it. So you think about it & you let me know."
       Getting a reaction like that from Josiah was worse because then I really knew that the ball was in my court, & then I was scared that maybe I wasn't going to be able to come through & deliver the goods, & I wasn't going to be able to come & ask for the prayer when I needed it. I was scared to get the victory & I was scared to NOT get the victory, both! I was scared to obey & I was scared NOT to obey your order! I was such a coward, I must be a coward through & through! There wasn't one ounce of courage in me & no will to fight!


       I was desperate! When I am desperate I always go to the Word because it's the only thing I know that can give me faith or help me find the answers or help me do what I am supposed to do. So I opened up DB5 right to the Letter, "Attack!", right to these words: "I guess it's kind of like a disease: You can't very well find the CURE unless you confess you HAVE the disease & you reveal the SYMPTOMS. It's one of those secret, dirty diseases that you are ashamed to confess you have, because you know it's a result of sin. Because if you are honest, you know your fears are results of doubts, & usually your doubts are the results of disobediences or feared disobediences or failures--feared failures, past failures or possible future failures!" (DB5, 171:2)
       That hit me right between the eyes! Wow! I knew the Lord was really speaking to me clearly about having to confess this alcoholism. He couldn't have been more specific!


       My fear was all a result of worrying about failure, & just like it says in "Attack!", the fear of what others were going to think about me really had a terrible grip on me. I think the Lord was bringing this particular fear to a head. He was wanting to confront this FEAR OF MAN that I have, this fear of people's opinions.
       So in dealing with the alcoholism, the Lord was dealing with two of my greatest problems: My pride (spiritual pride) & my fear of Man & what people's opinions are of me, what they think of me. Like "Attack!" says, "You KNOW that GOD will forgive you, but others find it hard to forgive! The fear of hurting them because of your failure, fear of letting them down, disappointing them, hurting their faith, disillusioning them, discouraging them--the fear that because of your failure others will fail too!--This is the hardest to bear!" (DB5, 171:3)
       But it wasn't just that, I also had this fear of facing the truth about MYSELF, because to confess & face this alcoholism was to expose my innermost self, the part that I hid from everybody, even those dearest to me.--Or tried to at least! And I was even hiding it from myself because I was afraid to think about it & face it.
       But that wasn't enough. I kept reading. It says, "It would be like trying to ignore that you have a disease that you've really got, because as long as you have it & try to hide it, you can't very well find the remedy!" (DB5, 171:8) That was definitely the picture of what I was doing. And I have to also admit that I was on the defensive about all of this, & therefore, as it says, "You can be destroyed by defending instead of attacking." (DB5, 171:20)


       Then it says, "One of the main reasons for our success has been our willingness to face the facts, to tell it like it is & know where it's at!--To refuse to continue to drift along in that dream world." (DB5, 171:22) That was really the picture of me! I just wasn't facing the realities of my problem. In fact, I was adamantly refusing to accept that I even had a problem as serious as alcoholism. I mean, I was willing to accept that I had a drinking problem, but I wasn't willing to face it for what it really was, ALCOHOLISM.--Especially after Dad had said that taking diet pills is just as demonic as alcoholism or gambling or any other destructive bad habit, which had really hit me when I read it.
       Then it goes on to say in "Attack!": "We've faced the facts, faced the fears & declared war on hypocrisy, war on (my) deceptions & delusions." (DB5, 171:23) My problem with alcoholism had led me to greater hypocrisy, lies, deceptions, delusions, cover-ups & independence & rebellion. I am only now beginning to see the extent of how it affected me.
       Now that I can look back on it objectively, two weeks after I've had prayer, I am just utterly amazed at the way that it was affecting my whole life & the control that it had over me & the chains that I was bound with, because I never believed that I could be so free as I am now. It's the most wonderful thing to be free of something that I thought was HELPING me. But now I am seeing how much it was HURTING me, I mean really hurting me & causing me to even keep my distance from the Lord & my loved ones around me.
       I thought that I had kind of a deal with the Lord, that the Lord would overlook this if I was doing OK & trying in all of the OTHER areas. But as I see it now, my drinking was just holding me back from the real freedom that the Lord wanted to give me. It was holding me back from so many things, which these past two weeks I have been able to enjoy to the full! TYJ!


       Well, back to my battle: I was just scared to death as I was sitting there reading these quotes because I knew that I was on the spot! I was going to HAVE to have prayer. The Lord was telling me that the time was NOW!
       Then I opened to "I Am A Toilet". I opened to this paragraph, "God had to put me in such a situation so that it's impossible for me to condemn anybody for almost anything, because there is hardly anything that one of our dirtiest hippies have done that I haven't also done!" (DB5, 264:3) And I thought, "Wow! That's really true!"
       So then I looked back & I read the beginning of the Letter where it says, "I was so holy & so good in so many ways & such a dedicated Christian, I would've been so self-righteous & holier-than-thou you couldn't have touched me with a ten-foot pole! I couldn't have stood these stinking hippies & their filth & I never could have understood or stood them, I could never have had sympathy or compassion or really loved them, if God hadn't permitted me, in fact nearly forced me, into such a situation so that I cannot brag about my own holiness being suitable enough to suit the Church.--I have nothing to brag about!" (DB5, 264:1)
       Then I thought about how I was just getting ready to start working with the Teen Victors & trying to help them. I could see that the Lord was really doing a job on me to get me ready for that.--I was going to have to be completely humbled & humiliated through this prayer for alcoholism if I was going to be able to help them.
       Then I read this, "But I am a whole lot more useful as the potty under the bed, to catch all their dung that THEY would have thrown out of the window...The Lord said that He made of me a BETTER vessel: Not a more beautiful or a more DECORATIVE or PRETTY one, but a BETTER one.--A TOILET!" (DB5, 264:7,16) The vision was also in the Letter that we are God's toilets for their polluted youth of today. I saw that I too was going to have to be willing to become a toilet if I wanted to help these Teen Victors, our own "polluted youth", these kids who are polluted by their desire for the World & their different vices!
       But what really clinched it was this quote: "The vase was thrown off the shelf almost in anger & violently by the Lord, like He didn't like it standing there so beautiful & so USELESS, like the churches! He preferred to break it & trample it in the mud, & out of that mud to make the potty, the toilet, the lowliest vessel in the house, but the most useful & the most essential!" (DB5, 264:37)
       I just knew that was the answer! That was exactly what the Lord was doing with me! All of these different steps of progress had been these different breakings, but now was "the trampling in the mud" & I just had to go through it, there was nothing else I could do. This was the final death blow to any reputation I may have still been trying to hold on to.


       When Josiah asked me what I was going to do, I told him I was going to go through with the prayer. TTL! I think that walk to the School & walking up to the front of that meeting was the longest walk of my life! My confession & prayer was not even in context with the meeting.--It was a musical inspiration, & I was to be the first thing on the program before the music. It wasn't like there was a big class on the subject or a lot of other confessions to hide behind; I was going to have to just walk up to the front & turn around & face everybody & face my worst fear.
       I felt that the best thing to do was just to read to the body what you had said in your message, Peter, & also what Dad had said to me, so that there wouldn't be any, "Oh, poor Faithy! Why is she having to do this?" That way it would be really clear that this was one Hell of a problem & this was the solution & there was no other solution. I wanted everyone to know that nobody was being mean to me or forcing me to get up & make this confession in front of everybody, but I was making the decision to obey it & to attack & fight!
       I was literally shaking as I walked up to the front & it was probably one of the hardest things, if not THE HARDEST THING that I have ever done in my life! As you put it, Dad, it's putting all of your cards on the table, because you don't know what people are going to think of you.
       And I was really stunned because I found out that the JETTs (whom I had worked with previously) were there, who had come to regard me as their teacher & Shepherdess! That was the last thing I wanted, to have to do this in front of them. Oh, it was all so embarrassing! But the JETTs actually ended up being the greatest source of encouragement for me, because there was a lot of faith in their faces as I looked at them. I even ended up addressing them, explaining that we are all in the same boat! I explained how we all need each other's help, at different times we have to help one another, & "every dog has his day" & this was my day--so I needed help & prayer & I needed to make a public confession.


       I also wanted it to be clear that this was not my idea, but that I had been ordered to do it, & I was just OBEYING--by God's grace! Once again the Lord was rescuing me when I couldn't rescue myself, therefore He gets all the glory. All I can say is, the Lord did it! He really helped me. PTL!
       "Roll Ye Away the Stone" talks all about how you have to obey God's conditions for Him to do it, & no matter how much hard work it is, it says God wants to see you OBEY FIRST. And the minute you start obeying & working, God will do His part without fail & He will bless it.
       I can now see absolutely that the Lord did not fail! The Lord did it, even though it was HARD WORK to make that decision & battle this thing out with my will & turn my will around to God's Will & tell everyone at the School all about it, even reading your message to them word for word so that it would be very clear to them so they wouldn't sympathise with my problem or think that I was being treated wrongly. That way everyone knew that it was clearly my decision to obey & my will was completely on the side of this prayer, & I wasn't being forced. I really WANTED it & I WANTED to do as you said, I WANTED TO FIGHT FOR IT!
       I had to work for it, I had to fight for it, just like you said, "Faithy has got to fight!" Those words kept ringing in my head. It was so true! I hadn't been fighting, I knew that I had been taking the coward's way out every time because I had no will to fight!
       I needed to WANT the victory. Turning my will over to the Lord was the hardest fight of all, making a definite decision with the Lord to give up drinking completely with NO CONDITIONS, no if's, and's or but's. I had to say, "This is it!" No matter what everybody thought of me when they found out that I was an alcoholic, I knew I was going to have to confess & get public prayer for the LORD & also for YOU. You had done it for me & the Family, & now I needed to be willing to do it too!


       I knelt down then on the stage & people gathered around me & prayed for me. It was like I was surrendering all, finally! I really felt that! There was nothing left of my reputation, nothing left of me. It was such a good free feeling that I didn't have to worry about what people thought of me, I just had to worry about what the LORD thought. I knew I was pleasing the Lord & that's what really counted in the end.
       I have to admit, though, that it was hard to walk back down that aisle afterwards & stay in the inspiration meeting & sing along with everybody. But the more I sang & the more I praised the Lord, the better I felt & the fears of what people thought left me. I found that I have to shut the door on that kind of worry just as much as I have to shut the door on the alcoholism. I have to just think about pleasing the Lord & let THAT be my main concern. If I have pleased the Lord, then that should make me happy.
       Since I went before the whole congregation & had prayer I have been miraculously delivered! It's a total miracle! I just want to say that the result has been that I have been able to help the Victors by honestly & openly sharing this testimony with them. It caused a major breakthrough in their lives this past week. PTL! Now I realise why I had to have such a fresh battle & victory, so that they could know that THIS IS THE HOUR FOR VICTORY! It certainly was mine! TTL!


Dearest Loved Ones,
       GBY! I love you & pray for you, especially at this time of the New Year, that the Lord will bless you with a special blessing, health, strength, protection & continual provision for your every need. This is a very special Happy New Year for me, thanks to you & your faithfulness in continuing to give me the correction & the faith I so desperately need to be able to fight for victories in my life. I'm so thankful!
       The thing I was the most thankful for this year was for you & your love & correction, & for the message you sent me which gave me the faith & the will to fight my alcoholism problem. I had never been willing to admit or face that problem before, but now I have been freed from it! TYJ!


       The verse the Lord gave me to claim for this upcoming year was, "Lovest thou Me? Feed My sheep." (See Jn.21:15-17) This is my greatest burden now, to feed His sheep. I feel like the Lord has done so much for me & given me so much that now I want to do all I can for Him, to feed His sheep & help our young people, like Dad did for us when we were teenagers, & teach & train them to be what the Lord wants them to be. I want to help set them on-fire with the Word like you did with us, Dad.


       That's my main burden.--And to do that I have to mortify the flesh with its affections & lusts, & I have to be single-minded in my goals, & really set my affections on things above, not on things on the Earth (such as unfruitful relationships). I need to have more of Jesus & be more like Him & more like you. That's what these teenagers need whom I'm working with, they need more of us adults to be like you, Dad. We need the vision & the burden that you had to take a bunch of teens & train us to be World-changers & real revolutionary disciples. You had faith in us & that's why we made it, & that's why I'm still making it.
       You are still teaching me to fight & give my all. I was thinking the other day of how much of a father you have been to me, not just a Shepherd. You've always been there when I needed you, & you didn't just leave my correction up to others.--You weren't afraid to administer the spankings I needed. Sometimes correction can be the best present a person can receive, the best gift a father can give to the daughter that he loves. Your correction has saved my life for the Lord's service again & again!


       It's been six weeks since I had prayer, & I can now see much more clearly what a big hindrance alcoholism was in my life. Now I see how it caused me to be drawn away after my own lusts & the temptation of the flesh. It also caused me to do things that I wouldn't normally have done, such as deceiving & covering up my sins & temptations & disobediences. I'm really thankful--even though to finally lay all my cards on the table & admit that I was an alcoholic was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!
       I've been sharing my testimony with the Teen Victors. The first time I shared my lessons with them, it was so difficult. It took me quite a while to be able to be free & talk about how I was an alcoholic. But the more I have talked about it, the more I've been taking the stand of faith. I've really been freed from alcoholism & now I can talk about it freely! Testifying about what the Lord has done really helps me to see & know that I DO have the victory!


       When I got delivered from alcoholism, the major problem I had with that independent streak seems to have gone with it. That's such a relief, because my battles with independence were almost as bad as the alcoholism itself, which was pulling me away from the Lord & others whom I needed. My drinking problem was causing me to be independent in so many ways. Now I have a completely different feeling, like I don't ever want to be on my own, I don't want to be alone. I really like the fellowship & want to be with others & not go wandering off alone in any way.
       So what you said about my independence & deception & lying & covering up being linked to my drinking is very true. It was all linked together. I can see that the alcoholism was what caused me to have such instability in my life.
       I've been talking with others about it, like with Ricky (Jaziz) here, who has had a drinking problem similar to mine. I was telling him how I can see that drinking made me very undependable & very unstable. And no matter how many other gifts, talents & experience I had, this undependable side of me really held me back from being able to be depended upon by you, the Lord & others. So it really limited my usefulness to the Lord's service & to you.
       It's really clear to me now, whereas before I couldn't see that my drinking was such a big problem. I didn't want to give it up. It was my little vice that I depended on & hung on to whenever I needed it. That fall that I took where I hurt my face was a traumatic experience. I still have a little scar on my cheek from it. I guess the Lord hasn't taken that little scar away because He wants it to serve as a reminder to me of what happened & the seriousness of it, so that I won't fall back into drinking again in any way, shape or form.


       I have to say that the door to drinking is really shut, it is shut tight. Another miracle is that I don't have the DESIRE to drink any more. Even when I didn't have alcohol before, I would still have the desire to drink, but now I don't even have the desire, it's just not there! It's the most amazing thing. Once my will was on the side of the Lord, then the Lord could work. Once I shut the door, it's just like the Lord has LOCKED IT. So the Enemy hasn't been able to get in that door at all. PTL!


       The Lord has really used my testimony to help the Teen Victors, because during our prayers for deliverance several of THEM confessed to having serious problems which they have never confessed.
       This made me see even more clearly why the Lord had to help me to get the victory, REALLY get the victory, so that I could help these Teen Victors. If I had come to help them in the shape I was in before I had prayer, they would have seen right through me. These Teens are so smart--it's amazing how they don't miss a thing!--And if I'd come here with that problem, they would have smelled the rat & would have probably felt that I was a hypocrite--& I couldn't have reached out to them with real conviction like I did.
       It was very hard for me to confess to the Teen Victors that I had to make a public confession & have prayer in front of the whole School for something I considered to be a really dirty disease. Finally, during the class I told them that it was real victory over my pride to have it CRUCIFIED there on the altar of confession & public prayer for alcoholism. I explained to them that that was the hardest thing I ever did, it was just like dying, it was death to my pride, it was like the final nail in the coffin of my reputation--whatever might have been left of my reputation, at least in my own eyes if no one else's. That confession & prayer was the finish of my "image", the old man, the old Faithy.
       That explanation really spoke to the Teen Victors. It was hard for me to have to stand up in front of them because I was supposed to be trying to help them. I had to tell them that I'm a Victor too & I had to confess my own RECENT problem. It's not like confessing something from last year. It really shocked them that I had just made a public confession & had prayer.


       Many of the Teen Victors said my confession was what really helped them to finally open up & tell us some of their secret sins, things that have been holding them back for years that they haven't been able to publicly confess & admit & have prayer for.
       Josiah said that he thought that my confession was going to be the key for these Teen Victors, & I really see that. As hard as it was for me to have to confess that to them & tell them a bit of the gory details about how alcoholism led to lying & covering up & deceitfulness in my life, & separation from my Shepherds & my continual falling back into my own sins & weaknesses, it was a major breakthrough for them because they were able to then really open up about the things they had never told anyone else about.
       It was amazing, when I was sharing my confession about the alcoholism, I was even able to tell them about the deceit & lying & cover-ups & hypocrisy that it led me to, & the hypocrite that I became. As I took a step of faith, the Lord met me & He just made it so easy to confess the other problems I had.


       This time of confession to the Teen Victors did me so much good, I felt even more liberated afterwards! And every time since then when I've talked about it or confessed it to someone or testified about the miracle the Lord has done in delivering me from the grip that it had on me, the more I see it! It continues to be a tremendous victory in my life! It's a real miracle because I feel so happy & so free, TYJ!--And now I can help set others free! PTL!

       "It certainly is a lesson, that if you are going to drink, then you can't very well fight as a soldier in the Lord's Army! We cannot have drunken officers & drunken soldiers who are apt to endanger the whole Family or Army & lay themselves open to a surprise attack of the Enemy that could virtually massacre their unit or efforts, & wipe them out as far as their usefulness to the Lord is concerned. That's the story of the Christmas Eve Massacre--because of drink!
       "We have allowed the use of a little wine, which even the Lord & His Disciples drank. But if you can't handle it & you can't drink it safely & conservatively & with proper caution, then it is better for you not to drink wine at all!
       "Help us to protect Thy Work, Lord, Thy bastions, Thy outposts, Lord, that they may not be weakened by such excessive indulgences which would lay them open to a surprise attack of the Enemy." (ML#856:70,69,83,90)
       "Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise."--Pro.20:1.

Copyright 1996 The Family