Home » Children of God Publications » My Confession! – I Was an Alcoholic!

The Family / Children of God

Internal Publications and Secret Directives

DISCLAIMER: The sole purpose of this page is to document the existence of a publication produced by The Family International a.k.a. The Family, Family of Love, Children of God and various pseudonyms (hereon referred to as TFI). It is provided for the record, for educational and research purposes, with the principal aim of promoting accountability by the TFI for its teachings and statements, which have proven detrimental to the lives of many. By replicating this material, exFamily.org neither endorses the views expressed in this publication nor justifies the existence of this publication and its statements. Reader discretion is advised. The material on this page may be unsuitable for minors and may contain disturbing words of racism, hate mongering, directives to unhealthy lifestyles and/or criminal activity, and/or contain plagiarized works.
THIS PUBLICATION MAY HAVE BEEN "SANITIZED." This digital format of this publication was extracted from TFI's HomeARC 99, which was subjected to encryption and editing by TFI, who, in order to hide its controversial writings and thus escape moral and/or legal accountability for past/present core beliefs and directives, sanitized (edited) and purged (deleted, destroyed, burned) its texts—both printed and electronic. Where possible, exFamily.org has compared this digital material with the cult's original paper-printed versions to ensure that this publication accurately reflects the original, uncensored version. Locations where the text has obviously or potentially been sanitized is hilighted with bright-red [DELETED] or [EDITED] markers.

MY CONFESSION!--I Was an Alcoholic!       DO 1406       The Tropix!--Summer '82

       1. I'M A GREAT WATER DRINKER! After my coffee I drink almost as big a mug-full of water! And you need to do that, Beloved. It's good for your health, good for your internal circulation system, your blood system, your waste system, everything. That's probably one reason I'm still in such good health at my age!

       2. I'M ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT I DAMAGED MY STOMACH, obviously, through some of my past misdemeanours. They were really more than misdemeanours, they were more like felonies! The worst time I did it was after Rachel left us. That was quite a blow when Rachel & Emanuele departed. Deb & Jeth had already departed, & a whole bunch of top leaders departed at the time of the RNR.

       3. I GUESS I GOT MAD AT THE LORD & I said, "Well, Lord, if everybody else is going to quit, I might as well give up & quit too!"--& I drank too much. Lord forgive me. I don't know, maybe He hasn't. Maybe He figures I deserve to suffer from it still, to remind me of what a serious thing it is to want to die & almost attempt to take your own life!

       4. WHAT IF I HAD DIED? I THOUGHT WE'D REACHED OUR PEAK THEN!--Ha! We hadn't even begun to have reached our peak! We only had about 5,000 people in the Family then, we've got 30,000 now!--Only had about 700 Homes then, we've got 20,000 Homes now! We'd only saved 3 million then, we've saved over 6 million now! When was the RNR?--Only five years ago?

       5. I THOUGHT, "WELL, I GUESS I'VE LIVED LONG ENOUGH!"--BUT WHO WAS I TO BE TELLING GOD WHAT TO DO OR WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? I thought that was enough, in fact, I thought it was too much to lose all of our top leadership, & it seemed like everything was collapsing around our ears, with the RNR & all the rest! And finally not only Deb & Jeth deserting us, but Rachel & Emanuele, & it looked like everybody was deserting us!

       6. GOD BLESS DEAR TIMOTHY! I'll have to hand it to him for that, he stuck with us at least till we kind of got through the worst part of that period. And he helped Maria save my life when I wouldn't do anything but drink! And that's what ruined my insides & I'm still suffering for it.

       7. I'M MAKING A CONFESSION: IT'S MY OWN FAULT, I WAS TRYING TO END IT ALL! I was trying to do worse than ruin my stomach, I was trying to drink myself to death, believe it or not! Does that shock you? Well, now you know! Well, I was shocked, I was hurt, I was discouraged. I felt like, "Lord, this is too much, I just want to die! If everybody's going to quit, I might as well quit too!"

       8. WELL, THE LORD KNEW THERE WERE LOTS OF LITTLE FOLKS OUT THERE WHO HADN'T QUIT! You folks hadn't quit! Even my family in the same house hadn't quit! Some of you who didn't go through that don't know what we went through! They called people back from afar, some of my favourite lovers & women & friends & whatnot to come try to inspire me & encourage me to keep on living! And I think if it hadn't been for them, I probably would have died! And if it hadn't been for dear Tim helping Maria see me through! GBH!

       9. THEY EVEN TRIED TO PUT VITAMINS IN MY WINE!--Ha!--All kinds of stuff! And when they put too much yeast in it, that was the limit! I knew they were screwing it up somehow. It was horrible! It had all these gummy things in there & I said, "You're trying to kill me!" Well, I was trying to kill myself! (Maria: We couldn't figure out how you could possibly tell sometimes when we just put a little bit of water in & a little bit of grape juice, & you'd say, "What did you do to my wine?!")

       10. I DIDN'T EAT HARDLY A BITE OF FOOD FOR THREE WEEKS! I'm ashamed to admit it--but you might as well know how bad I am & how merciful the Lord is, how good He is to both you & me--I drank 69 bottles of sherry in 21 days! You figure it out. That's over three bottles a day! I lived on sherry for 3 weeks--& almost died on it too! That's what burned up my stomach & my esophagus & my throat.

       11. OF COURSE, I GOT AN INFECTION IN MY THROAT, that was one of the things that started it & got me discouraged, & I thought if I drank enough sherry maybe I'd kill it! And that came from some foolishness, and the one that the Lord always pinpointed to me was Tim's Deborah, I got it from her. Well, let me tell you, that's the last time I ever sucked a woman!

       12. THE GIRLS CAN HAVE THINGS DOWN BELOW THAT WON'T BOTHER THEM, but they'll sure bother you in your throats, Beloved! I caution you guys against sucking women! Of course, the boys can have things too that can bother the girls in their throats if you're not clean, so I wouldn't advise you to let'm suck you, fellas, if you're not sure you're clean. And girls, don't suck'm if you're not pretty sure they're clean.

       13. NORMALLY, YOU CAN TAKE ONE GOOD LOOK when you've got them peeled to be pretty sure they're clean, but that's not always a guarantee. It's a good idea to rinse your mouth good with wine or water afterwards & drink a lot of liquid to make sure, in case they have something they didn't even know they had.

       14. WELL, RIGHT AFTER SUCKING HER, MY THROAT GOT ON FIRE & I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BURN UP! I don't know what she had, but I got something like strep throat & it swelled up & I was on fire! I never had such a thing in my whole life, before or since, thank God! I thought, "Well, whatever it is, maybe 20% alcohol can kill it!"--& I guzzled down a few bottles of sherry. I don't know whether it did it any good or not.

       15. I'M SURE THE PRAYER DID IT MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING ELSE & the Lord finally healed me of that, but in the meantime I drank too much & I set my throat & my esophagus & my stomach on fire & I haven't recovered fully from that three weeks yet! But at that time I didn't want to recover, I was trying not to!

       16. DOES THIS BOTHER YOU FOR ME TO BE FRANK WITH YOU & TELL YOU MY MISTAKES & things I have done that I shouldn't have done? Maybe it will help you understand. You wonder, "How come Dad hasn't been healed?" or "Why hasn't the Lord healed me?" Well, I'll make a confession right now that I haven't made to some people who know.

       17. I'VE BEEN WANTING SPAGHETTI & BEGGING YOU TO HAVE IT FOR WEEKS. Well, you saw what happened. I kind of had a premonition that it might cause me a problem between the acid tomato sauce which causes those sore spots to be very sensitive & react, & then the hard gristly hamburger. I got a few bites down, but then it just stopped, period! Quit!

       18. AND OF COURSE I HAD A WARNING AT THAT CLUB THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN WE WERE EATING THERE, NOT TO EAT THE RICE. I had trouble with rice before. There's something about that rice, no matter how much you soak it & everything, it is grainy & hard, even well-cooked. And if it was as dry & hard as that rice was at that club, I should have known better! I sent the rice back the time we'd been there before, but this time I think they brought me some gravy or soup or something, so I soaked it & I thought surely I could eat it.

       19. I LIKE RICE! I WAS HUNGRY! I WANTED TO EAT IT! The chicken was delicious, melted in your mouth! I never had a problem with the chicken at all, no problem with the soup, no problem with the nice rolls, with the tea or anything else, until I lit into that rice! I was determined: "Well, I'm just going to try at least a bite or two"--& I ate about two or three bites & it seemed like that just plugged up my esophagus at the bottom so nothing would go through!

       20. IT WOULDN'T COME UP & IT WOULDN'T GO THROUGH! I went to the bathroom & tried to get it up, couldn't get it up, & I was in agony the whole time we were there. Even though the folks with me were praying for me, & they'd phoned home & you guys were all praying for me, & everybody was praying for me, I couldn't get deliverance!

       21. AND I SAT THERE & I ASKED THE LORD WHY: "HOW COME, LORD?" Before when they prayed, & especially when you guys at home prayed for me, I was almost instantly delivered. "How come, Lord?" Well, I'm going to tell you now why I'm never going to go back to that club again.

       22. I THOUGHT IT WAS AN INTERESTING PART OF YOUR EDUCATION to see those cute little girls & how they dance here, because we have dancing girls too & all that sort of thing, & I like to take a little time off once in awhile & have a little pleasure. They really are cute little girls here, & as somebody said, it really gives you a burden for'm, if you ever had a chance to meet'm or witness or something.

       23. BUT I WAS SITTING THERE ASKING GOD: "HOW COME, LORD? THIS IS THE WORST ATTACK I'VE HAD YET! It won't go down, it won't come up!" Just talking about it almost makes it squeeze. I think it's just the Devil! The Lord gave us a revelation about that while we were still at Villefranche.

       24. DID WE EVER GET OUT "THE TALISMAN"? We need to get that out! That's very important! It was Deborah! Tim's wife was like a witch! I'm sure she must have been into witchcraft or black magic or something, & something very strange happened about her. It was right then, that I got that stomach trouble, right after we got the picture of his little girl from her, hidden in a box with my radio, of all things!

       25. NOBODY KNEW HOW IT GOT IN THERE, NOBODY KNEW HOW IT GOT OUT! He even phoned home & wanted to know if she'd put it in the box, & she denied she ever had anything to do with it. She thought maybe her little girl put it in the box--the same little girl that always wet the bed even though she was about five or six years old! And Davidito got to wetting the bed fast & furious after visiting those kids down there who all wet the bed!--Tim's kids, Rachel's kids, all of'm wet the bed! Eight & nine years old, every night they wet the bed! Can you imagine? There's something spiritual about it!

       26. HE FOUND OUT ALL THOSE OLDER KIDS WET THE BED, so he came back & started wetting the bed too! He'd been potty-trained at about two years of age or so, & didn't wet the bed hardly ever, but right away when he found out all those older kids wet the bed, he started wetting the bed, & we almost never got him out of it! It's a long story & you'll read it in "The Talisman!" (See No.1369. Also Davidito Story, Chapter 78 & "Bedwetting," ML #1219.)

       27. BUT THIS LITTLE PICTURE OF THAT LITTLE GIRL GOT IN THAT BOX SOMEHOW & got to us & Tim then took it & put it on his dresser. He always had this array of his children's pictures sitting on the dresser, & let me tell you, that's not forsaking all! That's the worst thing you can do is to constantly remind yourself of what you've forsaken. If you want to remember to pray about them, that's one thing, but my Lord, I think I could remember to pray for my kids without having their pictures sitting in front of me all the time when I'm working & everything else reminding me of them!


       29. YOU SAY, "OH, YOU'RE GETTING INTO SUPERSTITIOUS STUFF about black magic & objects & talismans & stuff like that!" Well, let me tell you, the Devil uses'm! He sure used them on dear Timothy, & he sure used it on me! I think the first time I ever had that stomach trouble was at Villefranche. Even after all that drinking at the Swiss house I never had it, but it was after we got that Talisman from Deborah. It was the first time Peter met me after we'd just gotten rid of Tim that the same thing hit me.

       30. BUT THE LORD HAD TOLD US BEFORE WHILE TIM WAS STILL WITH US, THAT THE EVIL SPIRIT'S NAME WAS SPHINX! And do you know what the Sphinx Goddess was notorious for? She was a Goddess who strangled her victims! That is where you get the medical term "sphincter" muscles!

       31. YOU HAVE SEVERAL DIFFERENT AREAS IN YOUR BODY WHERE SPHINCTER MUSCLES ARE VERY USEFUL & which close up the tube that you urinate through or you'd be wetting all the time, leaking all over the place! Same thing with the rear end, you'd be shittin' all over the floor all the time, sittin' or standin' or walkin' or whatever! They only relax when it's time to relax at BM time, otherwise they keep that tube closed tight. You'll have a hard time pushing stuff through, even if you strain! Just be constipated & you'll find out!

       32. SO THAT'S THE WORD WE GOT ON THAT, & when this started happening to me later, it was just like a devil! I think the Lord let it happen the first time I ever met Peter & had a conference with him personally in a room at the Villefranche house. I was eating some nice creamed tuna just like this & had invited him in--always saving time by trying to talk while I'm eating, which isn't a good idea--& suddenly for the first time in my life it got stuck!

       33. I'D NEVER HAD TROUBLE VOMITING BEFORE. Usually I had bowel trouble & it went out the other end if I had any kind of trouble, & very few times in my life had I ever vomited. Even talking about it bothers me! As my Mother said, "Don't talk about the Devil!" Well, I'm making a confession to you tonight to help you understand. Maybe it will help you, I don't know. Well, you can read the rest in "The Talisman!" And that was before I ever gagged or ever had any trouble with it, when Tim was still with us.

       34. THE LORD SAID SOMETHING ABOUT SPHINX WHEN WE WERE PRAYING, & believe it or not, it helps to know the name of the devil or the demon & address him directly like I did with Tyndale that time. The name of that demon was Pride! You've read that, haven't you? How I was in prayer & demanded to know in my mind the demon's name? And Tyndale's mouth flew open & said: "Pride!" Just like that! He was startled himself, he didn't know what had happened!

       35. I WAS JUST PRAYING FOR THIS GUY, DR. MARTIN'S SON, WHO HAD GONE INTO BUDDHISM. He'd been a Christian & his father a minister who had loaned us this camp at Laurentide, but he'd gone plumb off the deep end into Buddhism & all kinds of deviltry! So I was praying for him & the Lord revealed to me it was a bad spirit, he had a devil, & I know from past experience it's good to know the name. I was really doubting the Lord, thinking, "Lord, how could that be? What devil could he have?"

       36. I HAD MY HAND ON HIS SHOULDER, like a friendly gesture, a parting prayer, & he was respectful & bowed his head. I don't know exactly what he did, maybe he didn't bow his head & had his eyes open for all I know, because I had mine shut! But at least he held still, & I was trying to be friendly & have a little parting prayer.

       37. I'VE FOUND WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS--WHICH IT HAD FAILED THAT NIGHT--PRAYER HELPS! So I put my hand on his shoulder & I was praying for him when the Lord showed me that he had some kind of a devil. While I was praying, all these things were going through my head, you know, thinking, "Lord, what could it be? What in the World could he have? A preacher's son who was a Christian! I know he's in Buddhism, but what could it be?"

       38. HERE I AM PRAYING, CAN YOU IMAGINE?--PERFECTLY SANE CIVILISED PEOPLE! He was a very intelligent guy & we'd had a nice friendly chat. I was trying to make friends with him because everybody else was against him & his father was against him & fighting him, & he was fighting his father & everybody in the camp was talking bad about him & what a terrible guy he was, & they weren't even giving him a chance!

       39. SO I THOUGHT I'D GO UP & SHOW HIM SOME LOVE! He wanted to meet me & I wanted to meet him, so we had a nice couple of hours chat & everything was rosy & we were departing friends. That was the main thing, it was a goodwill trip. I hadn't converted him, he hadn't converted me, & we had agreed to disagree! But we were departing friends, at least.

       40. DON'T ASK PEOPLE IN THAT KIND OF A CASE WHETHER YOU CAN PRAY FOR THEM OR HAVE PRAYER OR NOT, YOU JUST DO IT! I used to do that with people I was witnessing to, I'd just lay my hands on them & say, "Now Lord, you know so-&-so & You know his problems"--& I'd try to pray a friendly prayer.

       41. BUT RIGHT WHILE I WAS PRAYING, like it was almost dangerous for me to touch him, the Lord was warning me, "He's got a demon!" I thought, "Lord, how could that be? What kind of a demon?"--And right in the middle of my prayer his mouth flew open & he virtually shouted the word, didn't he?--"Pride!" He was so shocked he went pale! Out of his own mouth the devil spoke!

       42. IF YOU COMMAND TO KNOW THEIR NAME, THEY'VE GOT TO TELL YOU! You can command demons, you can command devils in the name of Jesus! They have to obey you, although sometimes they can be pretty stubborn & a little slow, like they were sometimes even with Jesus. They'd tear up the guy or throw him on the ground or something before they'd leave! They'd do their last damnedest to resist, but they had to go! Or they'd request to go into the swine or something! (Lk.4:35; 9:42; Mk.5:12)

       43. WELL, HE WAS STARTLED, I WAS STARTLED, MY EYES FLEW OPEN & I DON'T THINK I EVER FINISHED THE PRAYER OR SAID AMEN! I said, "What did you say?" And he suddenly caught himself & said, "I didn't say anything!" Well, Maria was there & Josh was there, three witnesses! That was right, he didn't say anything, but the devil did!

       44. SO THOSE THINGS ARE VERY REAL! I don't like to talk about them, but we have the Lord & they have no power over us, TTL, we can even command them, except under certain circumstances. And you can read all about the sphincter demon & all that in "The Talisman," so I won't finish that story here now.

       45. BUT IN THE CLUB, THE LORD EVEN WARNED ME THROUGH MARIA: "PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN'T EAT THE RICE!" And I shouldn't have! I had a warning but I went ahead & disobeyed it. I disobeyed in the first place. So I was praying, "All right, Lord, I'm sorry!" I was praying plenty & you guys were too, I'm sure! It happened before the show came on. I'd gone there to eat early, especially, so I could sit back & enjoy the show this time, & I never enjoyed a minute of it! I was in agony all the time! But I'm telling you the story & maybe it'll be a lesson to you.

       46. THE LORD SAID FIRST OF ALL, "WELL, YOU DISOBEYED. YOU WENT AHEAD & YOU WERE PRESUMPTUOUS!" Sometimes it's not faith. I was going to eat it & I thought, "Oh well, Lord, I should have the faith to eat it!" But when the Lord's warned you not to eat it, how are you going to have the faith to eat it? That's not faith! What's the word I want for it? Presumptuousness is just plain bull-headedness, disobedience! Everything else went down till I hit the rice, & the rice hit the fan right in my stomach!

       47. WELL ANYHOW, YOU GUYS WERE PRAYING, he phoned home & asked you to pray & everything else, & here I didn't want to get up in the middle of the show & walk out. I'll tell you, the main reason was not for your sakes, or I would have left. But honestly, I didn't want to hurt those poor little girls' feelings & make'm think that we didn't like their show & we were walking out right in the middle of it! Wouldn't that be the feeling you'd have gotten?

       48. SHOW BUSINESS PEOPLE ARE VERY SENSITIVE TO AUDIENCE REACTION, & they're such sweet little things, most of them, & they're almost all more or less amateurs. They have a big turnover, & I can imagine why. But I didn't want them to feel bad or the management either, to get the idea we didn't like the show & we were maybe resenting or prudish or blue-noses or narrow-minded, so I was determined to stick it out!

       49. SO I SAID, "LORD, ALL RIGHT, I DISOBEYED, OK. But they're praying for me & I'm sorry, how about healing me now so I can sit back & enjoy the show?" (Dad clears his throat.) TYJ! PTL! Rebuke the Enemy, in Jesus' name! He doesn't like to be exposed. He doesn't even like me talking about his shenanigans!

       50. I SAID, "LORD, THEY'RE ALL PRAYING & I'M PRAYING & I'M DESPERATE & I'M IN AGONY! I'M SORRY, WHY DON'T YOU HEAL ME?" I felt absolutely like a demon had ahold of me there & wouldn't let go!--Just like a dog bite! Have you ever had a dog bite you & hang on? You never did? You guys never got around much, did you? I was a newsboy door-to-door & I'd deliver handbills & all that kind of stuff, & let me tell you, so many bad dogs would try to bite me!

       51. ONCE THEY GET THEIR GRIP ON YOUR ANKLE OR YOUR LEG, THEY JUST WON'T LET GO! Some of them, if they're real determined, just hang on! You can kick the leg or the foot around & fling the dog in the air & he won't let go, they have such strong jaws! Or if he grabs your arm or something, you can hope to God you've got thick enough pants or boots or a heavy enough jacket on that the teeth don't sink through! And although I've come home with a few black-&-blue spots, they never got their teeth clear in. But they can hang on to your pant leg or your jacket tight enough that you can't shake'm off! You almost have to kick'm off or hit'm off with a stick or something else!

       52. WELL, THAT'S THE WAY I FELT IN MY STOMACH THAT NIGHT, LIKE SOMETHING HAD AHOLD OF ME THERE! And I said, "Lord, how come? Why don't You heal me? Why don't You make him let go?" I'm almost ashamed to tell you the answer. The Lord said, "You're on his territory! This is his territory!" In other words, this is where he's allowed to operate. "You're not going to get rid of this till you get out of here!"

       53. IN FACT, I DIDN'T GET RID OF IT TILL WE GOT HOME, REALLY OFF THE DEVIL'S TERRITORY COMPLETELY!--The whole car ride & the works, not until I got up in our room. I'd vomited & thrown up several times in the club bathroom & it hadn't done a bit of good, but the minute I did it here I was instantly relieved! There's something about it out there that the Devil's got more sway.

       54. I KNOW THE LORD CAN PROTECT YOU & THE LORD'S ANGELS WATCH OVER YOU, & I'm sure He does, or Alf & all of you wouldn't make all those town trips as safely as you do. Because they're really rife out there! There're angels about the House of the Blessed, the Camp of the Saints, that God really protects, & they're camped round about us guarding us night & day!

       55. BUT I'LL TELL YOU, WHEN YOU GO OUT THERE, YOU'RE INVADING HIS TERRITORY & you'd better ask for the Lord's protection every minute & pray every minute! So I didn't get relief until I got off his territory. And I just knew when I got that answer I wasn't going to be relieved until we got home. I had no faith for it any more at all. At first I was kind of blaming God: "How come You don't heal me, Lord?" The Lord said plain as day: "You're on his territory!" What are you looking at? I don't want to get you guys all skittish & scary now!--Ha!

       56. (HOPE: THERE'S THIS ONE VERSE I NEVER REALLY TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD UNTIL TONIGHT: "THE LORD IS A STRONG TOWER: THE RIGHTEOUS RUNNETH INTO IT, & IS SAFE.") (Pr.18:10) Exactly! Right! And that's the message we got. He went on then & said, "Some of you have been scorched with disease & with accident & with this & that because you have run outside of the tower of His protection & His will & His way. You've run outside onto the Devil's territory where he's allowed to scorch you!"--Stay close to the Lord wherever you are!

       57. WELL, THE LORD ALLOWS IT, IT'S A PART OF YOUR PUNISHMENT, it's a part of your chastening, it's your spanking for what you've done wrong. Well, I doubt if I'll ever go back to that club again! If that's his territory, I don't want to be on it any more! Of course, in a way, you're always on his territory out there, but if you have to go & you've got to go shopping & you've got to go do business, that's different, you've got to go!

       58. BUT THAT WAS A PURE PLEASURE TRIP! We didn't really have to go to that club. I thought, "Well, I've taken Peter & Maria, I ought to take somebody different, I want to show Pearl & James, they've been nice & faithful.

       59. (MARIA: MAYBE THE LORD WAS TRYING TO STOP US, because I had that stomachache immediately before we left.) Yes, but you didn't really tell me about it. If I'd known you were sick, I never would have gone in the first place! (Maria: I knew you'd be disappointed & you'd feel bad about it.)

       60. SEE, THE DEVIL HAD ALREADY ATTACKED HER, probably because the Lord wanted to try to keep us from going, but she wouldn't tell me. She failed to warn me. Of course, that's no excuse for me, because of course you know that kind of place is the Devil's territory. But we'd been there before & I had no trouble then, although I was a little more careful in my eating then too. I didn't even eat the chicken that first time, I don't think.

       61. SO BELOVED, ALL THIS BECAUSE OF DORA'S ACCIDENT: YOU SUFFER SOMETIMES FOR YOUR OWN SINS, YOUR OWN CARELESSNESS, PRAYERLESSNESS, HASTE & LACK OF CAUTION & heeding safety rules & all the rest. And most of all, somehow or another disobeying the Lord or doing something where, in a sense, bound by His Own rules & His Own laws, He can't protect you & He has to let the Devil spank you or punish you or scorch you or give you what you deserve for violating the rules!--Even if they're nothing but safety rules, health rules, whatever the rules are. And let me tell you, when it happens, you'll usually find out, He'll tell you what the rule was you broke! You know!

       62. THINK HOW MANY TIMES I WANTED YOU TO HAVE SPAGHETTI & ASKED YOU TO MAKE IT, & YOU NEVER DID IT. The Lord was trying to save me from that. Apparently I can't eat spaghetti. I don't know just what it was. I think the acidity of the tomato sauce probably inflamed or irritated it & caused it to swell--& sometimes it's fear. And boy, the Devil sure uses fear as a vehicle!

       63. I MUST ADMIT, I HAD THE WARNING & I WAS AFRAID WHEN I STARTED TO EAT THAT RICE! And even after the first mouthful of the spaghetti, apparently that tomato sauce was pretty strong & it burned like fire all the way down! It was already getting irritated. And then that hamburger was really hard. Even though it was ground up, the little pieces were hard & scratchy, & when the hamburger started going down--whew!--It was like I was swallowing rocks! I hope you keep praying for me! I'm trying to give the Lord a little cooperation & I only eat & drink liquids now except at this one dinnertime with you, & then I have to be very cautious to eat only soft food.

       64. SO I REALLY REALLY PRAYED ABOUT IT, & THE ANSWER I GOT WAS: "WELL, YOU CAUSED IT! You abused your body, you injured the tissues, it all began with that drinking bout in Switzerland." Are you cold, Honey? She's got a wrap, but she doesn't have it on, see? She's asking for trouble when she sits there & suffers in silence instead of complaining that she needs to be wrapped up!

       65. SHE CAN'T EVEN STAND A FAN ON! She can hardly stand a window open, God bless her.--Until we go to bed! It's the funniest thing, there's something about bed, whether it's day or night, even with the air conditioner on, she's not cold! I have to have the air conditioner on at night or I can't sleep, I just wake up in a pool of sweat, so we have it on low all night till early morning when we usually shut it off.

       66. I LIE THERE WITH A SHEET & A SPREAD OVER ME & ALL BUNDLED UP, because I can sleep better when I'm cold. I used to tell you that you can sleep better when you're cold, & it's true!--As long as you don't get too much draft or something. You can catch cold from these air conditioners & fans if you get sweaty & in a draft.

       67. BUT SHE'LL LIE THERE, NOT A STITCH ON, SHEET OFF, SPREAD OFF, EVERYTHING, & DOESN'T FEEL A THING! In fact she says, "I'm hot!" Maybe that has something to do with the Devil! All day long when she's got all this work to do, she's freezing & weak & everything else! And finally when she goes to bed, she gets hot & feels great! Sometimes she gets too hot! (Maria: Really?) Yes, Honey! (Maria: Too hot?) Well, you know what I mean, sexy!--Whew! She's a hot Mama!

       68. WELL, THERE IT IS ANYWAY, I HOPE YOU LEARNED A LESSON FROM ALL THIS LONG LONG TALK, the safety lesson & several stories besides. That's one reason I try to stay away some nights, so I won't get to talking & keep you up too late. But sometimes we get a few good lessons out of it. So if one poor typist can suffer through transcribing the whole thing, & then the other poor typist can suffer through trying to pull all the jewels out of the garbage, at least I've made a few confessions to you tonight!

       69. SOMETIMES THE LORD DOESN'T DELIVER YOU & YOU HAVE TO SUFFER. I've known cases where they had to suffer the rest of their lives for the damage they'd done, either to somebody else or their own body or life or wife or whatever! God can even forgive murder, but I've yet to hear of any victim that got brought back to life & the effect of the sin has been corrected.

       70. "THERE IS A SIN," GOD'S WORD SAYS, "THAT IS NOT UNTO DEATH." And yet at the same time He's implying there are sins which are unto death! (1Jn.5:16) Even though you're saved, you can commit sins for which God will require your life of you! Now normally I think most of that kind of sin is the kind of sin like backsliding & where some of our backsliders have become a bad influence on other people & their testimony was bad & the Lord just had to remove them because they were a bad witness, a bad testimony, an evil influence on others. "A sin unto death."

       71. PAUL INSINUATES--OR YOU GATHER FROM WHAT HE SAYS--THAT HIS SIN WAS PRIDE.--Although he doesn't actually come out openly & confess it like I'm doing with you tonight, & I hope the Lord maybe will be a little more merciful to me because I'm trying to be honest! God had given Paul so many revelations & such tremendous experiences, that he might have been too proud if God hadn't let a messenger of Satan buffet him in his body, a thorn in his flesh of some kind. We don't know exactly what it was, but it sounds like it was his eyes, that he had poor eyesight. (2Co.12:7; Gal.4:13-15; 6:11)

       72. OF COURSE, THERE'RE SOME PEOPLE WHO SAY, "WELL, HE HAD THAT EXPERIENCE ON THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS THAT PERMANENTLY DAMAGED HIS EYES."--I don't believe that! The Lord healed him when Ananias came & prayed for him. (Acts 9:17,18) Wasn't Ananias his name? There's one good Ananias & one bad one in the Bible. So I don't think it was that, I think the Lord apparently just allowed him to suffer--maybe it was from over-reading or whatever, poor light, or just the Devil--& he had to suffer with that for the rest of his life from what he says, maybe to keep him humble.

       73. I KNOW IT CERTAINLY HAD A HUMBLING EFFECT ON ME when I had to sit there in front of you guys in agony at that club for an hour while that was going on, & when sometimes it's happened right here at the table! I told Maria, "I don't even want to go back to the table & have that happen right in front of all those people! It's a bad testimony & it's hard on them & their faith & they wonder why I'm not being healed." Well, now I'm telling you so you won't have to wonder any more!

       74. I ABUSED MY BODY, I NEARLY KILLED MYSELF! I apparently permanently damaged my stomach, my throat & my esophagus, & I can thank the Lord I'm still alive! I can thank the Lord I can take any kind of nourishment at all, because I nearly died! At one time I couldn't & wouldn't eat anything. I was kind of like David was when he wished he had a drink from the Well of Bethlehem. (2Sa.23:15)

       75. I GOT TO THINKING ABOUT IT & THE ONLY THING THAT APPEALED TO ME WAS SOME OF THAT DELICIOUS KIND OF BARBECUED SHISH KABOB STUFF THAT DEAR BERNARDO HAD DOWN IN TENERIFE! Now mind you, we were in Madrid at that time! I said, "If Carmen would bring me some of that stuff, I think I could eat that!" I couldn't eat anything, didn't want anything, could hardly hold anything on my stomach, I was really sick! So what do you suppose Maria did? You couldn't believe it!

       76. UNBEKNOWNST TO ME, SHE PHONED CARMEN TO BRING ME SOME OF THAT DELICIOUS BARBECUED LAMB! And she got it, got on the plane with it & got there & they heated it up for me & I did eat it, didn't I? I ate just a little bite at a time & it lasted two or three days. I ate a little bit every day, & it strengthened me. And that was about the time that Techi came along & healed me!

       77. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WAS DYING OF PNEUMONIA! I got myself into that mess, I was on the Devil's territory in the army, so he was able to attack me & nearly killed me! But when I confessed my sin & asked the Lord to forgive me & promised the Lord if He'd let me live I'd serve Him, He forgave me & healed me!

       78. AND ON THOSE OTHER TWO OCCASIONS WHEN I CONFESSED & ASKED THE LORD TO FORGIVE ME FOR WANTING TO DIE, BOTH TIMES HE SENT TECHI TO HEAL ME! Can you imagine that? In the spirit, a little girl! Instantly after she touched me I began to get better! I stopped drinking in the Swiss house & the other time in the apartment in Madrid. (See "I Was Sick!" No.698.)

       79. SO LET THAT BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU! You'd better stay close to the Lord & don't get disobedient, don't run outside of God's will & His protection. That's why these poor backsliders don't have a chance! I mean, they have run out on God! They're strictly out on the Devil's territory & he can attack them all he wants & give them what they deserve, what the mercy of God would have spared them from!

       80. THEY'VE RUN OUT ON GOD, RUN OUT ON GOD'S WORK, RUN OUT ON HIS FAMILY, run out on us, run out on the lost, run back to the System & the ungodly relatives & their anti-Christ mates sometimes, & they're wide open for the Devil! The way of the transgressor, let me tell you, is hard! (Pr.13:15) He just gives them nothing but trouble! I think he's even killed a few. Some of them have even committed suicide--& I tried to!

       81. I READ AN ARTICLE ONCE IN LONDON ABOUT THESE BUMS, where they asked them why they did it, why they just kept drinking themselves to death? And they said, "Well, we want to die, & it's kind of a slow legal way to do it!" Some of them lost their business, lost their family, lost their wife, lost their health & they just give up wanting to live & so they try to die!

       82. THE WILL IS POWERFUL, IT'S IMPORTANT! Doctors will tell you, if a person doesn't want to live, he'll usually die, although the will to live could have saved them. "The spirit of a man sustaineth him; but a wounded spirit, who can bear?" (Pro.18:14) (To Joseph:) Just shut'm, Honey! Take a little nap! Shut'm! I command you, in Jesus' name, to shut your eyes! Quit trying to hold them open! Poor fellow, your eyes are precious to me & the Lord & His work--shut'm! And if I didn't know you'd probably refuse, I'd tell you to get up & go to bed! I'm gonna quit, God helping me!

       83. IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO GET OUT THIS CONFESSION, BUT I THOUGHT I'D BETTER! Maybe this is one of the conditions of the Lord's healing. Sometimes we've got to confess. "Confess your faults one to another that ye may be healed!" (Jam.5:16) That's a good Scripture for you! Yes, it's true, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivereth him out of them all" (Ps.34:19), but sometimes you have to confess it, & sometimes you have to meet certain special conditions before the Lord will deliver you. Well, every time that's happened, I've felt like it was really an attack of the Devil, but almost always there was something I did that was wrong, or I disobeyed, to make me vulnerable!

       84. IT'S LIKE I'M LIVING ON BORROWED TIME! It's like the Lord is saying, "You have now damaged yourself. I had to allow the Enemy to do it because you were disobedient & you were defiant & you were in rebellion against Me, you didn't want to live anymore, you didn't want to keep doing the work I gave you to do, you wanted to quit & you tried to kill yourself, so now you're suffering for your sin!"--And I've had to suffer for that for a long time! Most of the time, TTL, I'm well, hale, hearty & happy! It's only once in awhile the Devil hits me like that, & almost always I can think of some reason.

       85. WHEN I LOOKED AT THAT SPAGHETTI I ALMOST KNEW I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO TRY TO EAT IT! "Whatsoever is not of faith is sin!" (Rom.14:23) Faith is knowing & being sure that you can do a thing. You just know it! (Slams table!) (To Joseph:) Shut'm, Honey! Take a little nap! Did that wake you up?--Ha! I'm sorry! Poor fellow, he's the earliest one in the bunch! He gets up early in the morning, he's out there cleaning the pool at seven sometimes! GBH!

       86. HE USES HIS POOR EYES ALL DAY LONG READING THAT FINE PRINT, reading several times through on some of these things. I don't want you to abuse your eyes, Honey, & I don't want you to get too tired. I'd rather have you get up & go to bed. I mean it! You've heard most of the story, or do you want to hear the end? Do you think you could stand it? I'm really on the end, the last dog at the bone now! Do you know where they got that expression?

       87. DID YOU EVER SEE TWO OR THREE DOGS CHEWING ON THE SAME BONE? You guys never had a chance to watch nature in operation, huh? They will fight over it & then they'll chew on it, & sometimes they'll peacefully chew, one on each end. And they'll chew & they'll chew! Have you ever seen a dog eat a bone? This business of burying bones is not some crazy idea. They know where they buried it & they'll go back later & dig it up & chew on it some more!

       88. FOXES EVEN BURY MEAT & GO BACK & DIG IT UP & EAT IT! They store it. It doesn't matter to them, apparently, if it's worm-eaten or bug-eaten or maggot-eaten or whatever! All the more fresh meat! That's why foxes are unclean meat, by the way, & you're not supposed to eat'm. I sure like to shoot'm, though! They used to kill our chickens & suck our eggs! Oh, they're sly rascals! The nights when Aaron would sit up all night in the chicken shed waiting for them with a gun, they never came! They knew he was there. It wouldn't even matter if he sat 100 yards away on the porch & watched for them, they knew he was there. Very few times did he ever get a chance to get a shot at'm!

       89. WELL, IT'S A LITTLE HARD FOR ME TO GET THIS CONFESSION OUT, BUT I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU! I disobeyed the Lord, I damaged myself, it was my fault & it was in rebellion & disobedience & defiance, & may the Lord yet forgive me! I believe in a way He has forgiven me, but He has allowed me to suffer for it, maybe just to be a testimony to you & to warn you that you'd better not do it, or you may have to suffer for it for the rest of your life!

       90. WELL, JUST A MONTH OR SO AGO I ASKED THE LORD ABOUT IT & I WAS PRAYING ABOUT IT AGAIN: "WHY DON'T YOU HEAL IT, LORD?" I mean, the Lord could just do some kind of outstanding miracle! But did you ever notice that sometimes He didn't do it that way? Sometimes He told them to go dip in the River Jordan or go take a dip in the pool of Siloam! Or He spit on the ground & made mud out of His spittal & put it on the eyes of the blind man. What kind of a thing is this, anyway? Huh? And then told him to go wash it off & he'd see!

       91. WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE HE DID IT THAT WAY? Don't you think He could have healed him some other way? Do you suppose maybe the man's pride needed humbling? He had to stand there in front of this immense crowd & have God spit on the ground & then wipe His spit into his eyes, & the mud too! And then that wasn't enough? He said, "Now you go wash it off!" (Jn.9:6-7)

       92. OR TELLING THE PROUD HAUGHTY NAAMAN TO GO DIP IN THE DIRTY MUDDY JEWISH JORDAN! No wonder he didn't want to take seven dips in the Jordan. I think Amy Semple MacPherson was the one that preached on that. About that time, "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs" was on in the cinemas, & she said, "I'm going to preach on Seven Ducks in a Muddy Puddle!"--And she preached on Naaman! It wasn't exactly a puddle, but it was a muddy river!

       93. NAAMAN SAID, "ARE NOT THE RIVERS OF ABANA & PHARPAR BETTER THAN THIS? I could have stayed at home & taken a bath in one of the rivers that flows under our city walls & through our cities & furnishes us with water, pure crystal mountain spring water from the snows of Mount Hermon! Why should I come down here to this dirty Jewish country [DELETED] & dip in your dirty Jewish Jordan?" That was what he was more or less saying. But that's what he had to do. Apparently he needed humbling, & he needed to obey. (2Kg.5:10-12)

       94. IN EACH OF THOSE CASES, GOD GAVE THEM SOMETHING TO DO TO TEST THEIR OBEDIENCE. And Maria knows this, I told her I prayed about it & the Lord as good as said--like He told the Jew who was mad at God because he didn't win the lottery. God said, "Why don't you give Me a break & go buy a ticket?"--"Why don't you give Me a break? Why don't you give Me a little cooperation & quit eating all this junk that bothers you? Why don't you just give it time to heal? You spent three weeks wreckin' it, why can't you spend a few days or weeks eating a more bland diet, drinking liquids & give it a chance to heal?"

       95. WELL, THE FIRST THING I DID WAS QUIT DRINKING SO MUCH WINE. I drink a little bit at bedtime now to help me sleep, but I set a limit & I don't go beyond that any more, period! Well, I might have once or twice, & it's always when I get discouraged or mad at the Lord or something, & I always pay for it!

       96. I MEAN, IT'S TERRIBLE TO THINK THAT YOUR LEADER, A MAN OF GOD, A PROPHET OF GOD, COULD GET DISCOURAGED! Well, David got discouraged. He even thought that Saul was going to kill him & said, "Some day I shall surely die at the hand of Saul!" (1Sam.27:1) Was that faith? He had his times of discouragement. Maria has said, "Well, that's been very encouraging--it's sure good to know that you have these things happen too, to help us know that the fiery trial that has fallen upon us is not strange!" (1Pe.4:12) It's not something unusual.

       97. EVERYBODY HAS IT & GOES THROUGH IT SOMETIME OR OTHER. It's a part of your training & test of faith & all the rest. So if it even happens to me, you know it can happen to you! Of course, sometimes I think it's more apt to happen to me because I have more responsibility & the Devil's more interested in attacking me & killing me & hurting me & making me sick & all kinds of things! Let me tell you, every time before I dive under that water out there, I pray! (Lizard laughs.)

       98. LISTEN TO THAT DAMN DEVIL! Time & again when I'm really inspired or dictating or something has happened, that lizard will laugh like that! I think that lizard gets demon-inspired sometimes! He's done that in the middle of the night right over my head! I think he gets in the roof of the bedroom sometimes, almost like he's laughing at me. Any kind of a distraction!

       99. WELL, "ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD!" (Rom.8:28) He's trying to keep me from finishing this little talk, but I'm determined to make my confession & get it over with so I can get healed, Lord willing. I've never done this much confessing before & told you guys all these things before. I've dropped little bits & pieces, hints here & there, but now I'm putting all my cards on the table!

       100. THE LORD AS GOOD AS SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE COOPERATION? Why don't you quit eating the stuff that bothers you? First of all, quit drinking so much, now quit eating so much of that stuff & just drink liquids & eat bland foods, soft foods that won't irritate the lining, & give it a chance to heal. Give Me a chance to heal you!"

       101. WHY DOESN'T GOD JUST DO A MIRACLE & HEAL IT INSTANTLY? He could. Maybe it's a test of my obedience, to give God a little cooperation: "Give Me a break, go buy a ticket!" At least, that's what came to me. So ever since then I've been trying to give Him a little cooperation.

       102. BUT EVERY TIME I DISOBEY & I RUN OUTSIDE THAT CHARMED CIRCLE OF HIS WILL & HIS OBEDIENCE & I take that bite of rice I shouldn't have taken, & that bite of spaghetti, I suffer for it! I knew from the first bite I shouldn't have taken it, but I went ahead & tried to stuff it down anyhow. You know one reason I did it?--Pride!--Because I'd asked for that spaghetti so many times, & here you finally made it for me! Well, partly pride & partly concern for the poor cook!

       103. I THOUGHT, "POOR HOPE IS GOING TO FEEL SO BAD NOW! I asked for this spaghetti & now I can't eat it! Ah, come on, Devil, I'm not going to pay any attention to you! You're not going to keep me from enjoying this good spaghetti, I'm going to have faith & I'm going to eat this spaghetti anyhow!"--And the next bite I nearly choked! I started coughing on one bite, it even irritated my throat, & finally I couldn't even swallow it! And I guess you noticed that I finally just quit & fed Techi hers.

       104. BOY, WAS I EVER GLAD TO HIDE BEHIND THAT LITTLE GIRL THAT NIGHT! They used to say that the only person who's small enough to hide behind somebody else & their sins is a hypocrite! Think about that for awhile & you'll get the point someday! In other words, to pass the buck & blame it on somebody else. If you're going to hide behind somebody else, you've got to be smaller than they are.

       105. WELL, THAT NIGHT I WAS GLAD TECHI WAS HERE TO DISTRACT YOU & ME BOTH, & I COULD FEED HER EVEN IF I COULDN'T FEED MYSELF! And she enjoyed it! Isn't that funny? That's the first night she wanted to sit in my lap, & that was the one thing that really kind of brought me through. I never completely gagged, & I never completely threw up, & it finally went down. It stuck a long time but it finally went down. And at least I had enough sense to quit, even though I knew that you noticed I wasn't eating & I'm sure Maria noticed right away & some of the rest of you.

       106. WHEN I'VE STOPPED CHEWING, THEN YOU KNOW I'VE STOPPED EATING! If I don't chew any more, it's a pretty sure sign I can't swallow any more. And if I've eaten that kind of food, then I ought to quit & not be so God-damned proud & afraid of hurting somebody's feelings or whatever to keep on trying to eat! Thank the Lord this food tonight was nice & soft & bland & it went down very easily. Even in the hospital they tell you you can't eat coarse solid food like that right off the bat after you've been sick.

       107. SO THERE YOU ARE, THERE'S MY CONFESSION FOR WHAT'S IT'S WORTH! I brought it on myself years ago & never completely recovered from the effects, & whenever I disobey the Lord & overtax my system by eating the wrong things & not being especially careful & prayerful, or being on the Devil's territory or in disobedience or whatever, I suffer for it.

       108. SO SPAGHETTI'S OKAY--LIKE THE PREACHER WAS PRAYING ABOUT THE CUCUMBERS--"BUT NOT IN THIS WOMAN'S STOMACH! You made cucumbers, Lord, cucumbers are perfectly all right in their place, but not in this woman's stomach!" And that's about the way it is with some of this food! You can gobble it down & it doesn't mean a thing, but some of this stuff could kill me!

       109. WELL, IT'S LIKE LIVING ON BORROWED TIME. Once God's forgiven you & healed you, then you'd better be sure you stick to the limits & the regulations & the rules & His Will & whatever conditions He's laid down.--Maybe He'll just continue your chastisement to keep you humble & close to Him, knowing your life depends every minute on Him, because otherwise you'd be dead!

       110. YOU'D BETTER KEEP THE RULES, LET ME TELL YOU, especially when you have gone that far & broken them & He's had the mercy to let you keep on living. You'd better stay within the traces & not try to run away or kick'm off or something! You'd better not have to be turned about with bit & bridle--& that's where He bites me & that's my bridle! It really keeps me praying & close to the Lord & watching what I eat! (Ps.32:9)

       111. AND YOU KNOW? I FOUND OUT I CAN GET ALONG ON A LOT LESS FOOD THAN I THOUGHT I COULD! It's amazing! Lots of days that cup of coffee will last me all day long & I haven't eaten another thing! I think we all eat too much, really, just glut ourselves & gorge ourselves with a lot of food we don't even need to eat. But you get in the habit & your stomach is stretched, then you're hungry & you just stuff yourself!

       112. I HOPE GOD'S NOT GOING TO HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR THAT AFTER I'VE TOLD YOU THIS SEVERAL TIMES! What is He going to have to do to you to try to teach you not to eat so much? We have several big boys here & even some little ones that can eat almost more than the big ones! I've watched you! Maybe you're thankful I don't come down to dinner some nights. (Maria: But they don't eat much the rest of the day, they save it up to eat their big meal at night.) There's your mediator, Beloved! Your Saint Maria who is pleading for you. (Maria: I think most of them have really cut down, but you don't necessarily see it.)

       113. WELL, THE ONES WHO HAVE CUT DOWN & WHO ARE OBEDIENT, I'M NOT TALKING TO THEM. (Maria: They've lost weight & everything.) Fine, so have I. You don't have to wear the shoe unless it fits! (Maria: So don't feel guilty for taking a big helping of dinner just because you're hungry.) You probably go up to your room & eat a candy bar anyhow!--Ha!--Except I know you don't have any candy bars!--Unless some of you shoppers have snuck'm in! (Alf: No!) You'd never do a thing like that! That's exactly what Peter, Jesus' disciple, said just before he did it, Son, watch out!--Ha!

       114. SO THE LORD'S HOLDING ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR LITTLE THINGS NOW. I have to be really careful & watch my step--what I eat & what I drink & my attitude & all of it! I mean, when you have gone that far & incurred the wrath of God & His punishment & allowed the Devil to afflict you--His Executioner, His Policeman--& give you some stripes for it--well, Jesus took the other stripes & His stripes--but if you go ahead & take on some more, then that's your fault & you're to blame, & God may hold you accountable! So watch out!

       115. IN OTHER WORDS, I'M SUFFERING TODAY FOR PAST SINS, which although I have in a way repented of, God is still testing me. He is still wanting to know day by day, moment by moment if I'm going to really stick to it & obey Him & walk circumspectly right down the line & not deviate here or there or a little bit around this spaghetti or that bite of rice or that club or whatever it might be! He's not going to let me get away with it now. For some years He let me get away with it--until I got so naughty that He had to really spank me! Are you getting the point?

       116. A LOVING INDULGENT PARENT WILL LET THE CHILD GET AWAY WITH A THING FOR AWHILE, but as the child begins to get so cantankerous & so rebellious & so stubborn & disobedient & wilful that the only way you can stop him is with force & the rod & the spanking & the chastisement, then that's when even the most loving parent has got to use the rod!

       117. --AND GOD HAS USED THE ROD ON ME! I am suffering today for some of the sins I committed yesterday. I mean by yesterday, years ago, & I probably committed a few yesterday too! I get too intent on my work & I double up on my couch & get all tied up in knots, then I have problems. Or my old appendix hurts my side or something. Because now in my condition I have to be extra careful to baby "papa's delicate condition"!

       118. REMEMBER THAT OLD STORYBOOK & MOVIE ABOUT "PAPA'S DELICATE CONDITION"? It was about the husband who, after his wife got pregnant, he was the one they had to take care of! He got so concerned about her, he got sick!--Ha! Well, this Papa has a delicate condition that I have to pamper because of years of disobedience & damage done long ago that I'm still suffering for, & the Lord's not exactly letting me get away with it.

       119. "THERE ARE SOME SINS WHICH GO BEFORE YOU TO JUDGEMENT; SOME MEN THEY FOLLOW AFTER." (1Ti.5:24) You may not feel the effect or the punishment or the remorse of some of your sins until after you get to Heaven! "Some they go before": You start suffering for them here & now. As many a sinner I've talked to has said: "Hell? I don't believe in Hell! The only Hell I believe in is the Hell I'm living in right now, it's Hell on Earth! This life is Hell!" They're already suffering Hell!--Hell on Earth!

       120. YOU POOR FOLKS, I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN STAND ME, REALLY! But I hope & pray that maybe these little talks will do somebody else some good, maybe even you! Anyhow, "My Confession!" Maybe that's a good title. I told you quite a few different stories tonight! And about demons & devils & things like that too.

       121. YOU'D BETTER TAKE COMMAND IN Jesus' name & BE SURE YOU WALK CIRCUMSPECTLY WITHIN THE WILL OF GOD, or Satan can be allowed to touch you & scorch you & give you problems, as he has me. But TTL, I'm trying to do better. (Maria: Wonderful! You've been a shining example!) Honey, love is blind! I've cut off nearly all my other bad habits & sins, now I'm even trying to do better on the food. PTL! TYJ! (Joins hands to pray:)

       122. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE HANDS & HOLDING HANDS! I THINK IT HAS SPIRITUAL SIGNIFICANCE! The Lord led us to do this in the early days. In fact, even with my father we always did this as little children around the table & our Family's always followed this custom ever since. Who knows but maybe it has some kind of power, like completing an electrical circuit or something, you know?

       123. I'LL TELL YOU, IN THIS COUNTRY WHEN I GO TO PRAY FOR MY DRINKS, ETC., I TAKE IT IN BOTH HANDS! I figure if they can see an aura even in a photograph, & if in certain types of photography they can still see the spiritual arm of a person whose arm has been amputated & it's still there, its ghost is still there, there must be some power in the spirit!--Even in the spirit that's in your flesh & your aura!

       124. AND IT'S COME TO ME THAT MAYBE THAT'S WHY GOD SAYS TO LAY HANDS ON THEM, that there is an actual natural spiritual power in your hands, especially in prayer in the Name of Jesus!--Just wrapping my hands around my drink! I mean, if you can cook meat in that oven just by radiation with the fire unseen, microwaves that you can't even see can cook the meat, why can't your spiritual aura or whatever it is have the power?

       125. I FIGURE IF ONE HAND WILL DO IT, TWO HANDS ARE BETTER, SO I LAY HANDS ON IT! I wrap my hands around it & pray for it! I figure, "Well, who knows but what my hands are radiating some kind of power that's going to kill all the germs!" You say, "Oh Dad, you're getting superstitious! You're really going off the deep end!--Wrapping your hands around a glass of water & expecting it to kill all the germs! What are you trying to do, kid us?"--No! It's come to me lately, especially in this part of the World, & I believe it! Maybe you'd better start wrapping your hands around your drinks & you wouldn't have so much bowel trouble, stomach trouble & whatnot!

       126. I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF HANDS! The Bible has a lot to say about it time & again. Giving of the Holy Ghost, laying on of hands, laying on of hands on the sick, anointing the kings, laying on of hands, time & time again! Who knows but what that actually imparts some kind of power through that contact!--If for no other reason but just the obedience!--But maybe there's a certain natural spiritual power there too.

       127. I'VE NEVER TRIED IT, BUT YOU KNOW THAT THING ABOUT FORMING A PYRAMID OF HANDS ON TOP OF A HEAD TO LEVITATE SOMEBODY? Well, I don't know if it's true or not, but the book said so. I don't know as I'd ever want you guys to try it, because it sounds a little weird to me, & the Bible doesn't say to levitate people. Maybe it's some kind of black magic or something demonic. I'm afraid to try it, or I would have tried it already!--To put a stack of hands on top of somebody's head & have them rise up in the air!

       128. THAT'S GETTING A BIT WEIRD & I CAN'T SEE A BIT OF GOOD THAT IT WOULD DO! I can't see why it could be of the Lord. Maybe that's some kind of trickery or black magic or some of the demonic stuff that mediums do, like raising the table, etc. What good does that do? Or devils who lift tables or bend forks & spoons & junk like that. That's a ridiculous waste of spiritual energy, typical of some of the Devil's tricks! Well, it proves the power of the spirit & the power of the Spirit World & devils & demons, etc., but what good does it do? To me, if it hasn't accomplished some kind of good, if it's not good, then it must be bad.

       129. MAYBE URI GELLER WAS JUST HELPING PEOPLE TO BELIEVE IN THE SPIRITUAL & THE SUPERNATURAL THROUGH ALL THAT. After all, if you can believe in the Devil, then you can also believe in God! If there's a Devil, there must be a God! I think that's what the hippies found out through drugs & all, that there is a Spirit World, there's another World, & a lot of them came into faith in it, & faith in God through it. Some even claimed to meet Jesus & angels & God & whatnot! So the Lord did it, the Lord let it happen. Even though the drugs were bad, the end effect was good & the Lord accomplished His purpose, PTL!

       130. WELL, I HOPE THIS LITTLE LESSON & ALL THESE CONFESSIONS HAVE DONE SOME GOOD, & your staying up late will have some good effect & not all bad effect! Let's not have a reveille in the morning, that'll be your reward. Now who's your reveiller? He's not a reveller, but a reveillier! OK, let'm sleep in in the morning, because it's my fault for keeping them up!

       131. I EVEN LONG AGO ABANDONED ALARM CLOCKS--BY FAITH!--That is, after I quit going to school & jobs! I said to my wife, even my first wife, "I don't believe in alarm clocks unless I have a special appointment I have to keep, a television station or something where I have to be. God knows how much sleep I need or don't need, & God will wake me up when it's time to get up! I'm just going to let God start waking me up whenever it's time to get up!"

       132. WELL, HE TOOK ME AT MY WORD! Lately I've been getting up at 4:30, 5:00, 5:30, 6:00 o'clock in the morning, earlier than I ever got up with an alarm clock! God knows when I've had enough sleep & it's time to get up! I wasn't exactly expecting that result! I used that as my excuse for sleeping late when I first propounded that theory, but now it's sort of kicking back! Some of these guns I fire at you sort of backfire & kick back & I have to live my own lesson & live & act accordingly! So, PTL! Amen, we've gotta quit! I'm about to run out of breath, somebody else pray. It must be time for me to quit if I run out of breath, that's for sure! How about you, Honey? How would you like to pray?

       133. (MARIA: TYL! THANK YOU FOR SUCH A BEAUTIFUL EVENING & FOR GIVING THY SERVANT THE WORDS & THE HONESTY TO CONFESS TO US, & in so doing, helping us to learn these lessons that You want for us as well, Lord. And we pray that now that he's been honest with us, that You'll completely heal him & You'll continue the healing process until he's completely whole. We know You can do it, Lord, & that You want to do it, that this affliction not be a distraction or a bother to his work or a deterrent to his getting done what You want him to do.

       134. THANK YOU, LORD, FOR THESE BEAUTIFUL LESSONS LEARNED TONIGHT THAT CAN GO TO SO MANY THOUSANDS ALL OVER THE WORLD who will be able to benefit from them. Bless & keep him tonight, Lord, keep him healthy & give him a good night tonight, Lord, & a reward for having been obedient. Bless & keep us all, keep us safe & continue to help Dora, Lord. Strengthen her & heal her & help her to learn the lessons You want her to learn.)

       135. AMEN, LORD, & BLESS THE CHILDREN. Thank You for how You have, Lord. Do give us a good night's sleep & rest these poor tired bodies that worked hard all day & some up early. Forgive me if I have said too much, Lord, & kept them too long, but You know some of these things needed to be said. TYL! In Jesus' name. Amen.

       136. WELL, NOW I'VE GOT TO MAKE ANOTHER CONFESSION. While we were praying the Lord reminded me of something else that I promised to do years ago that I haven't done yet, & I think Maria knows what it is. I don't know whether the Lord's ever reminded her of that or not, but after that experience in Switzerland I vowed I was going to write a Letter to the Family & describe it & tell'm what happened & the results, & I was going to call it: "I Was an Alcoholic!"

       137. (TONGUES:) HALLELUJAH! AMEN! "THANK YOU FOR CAUSING THIS TO BURST FORTH IN THY FATHER!" TYJ! PTL! Even Abrahim's glad sometimes when I confess my faults! At last! He must have been waiting years for that! Remember? I said, & you agreed, "Well, some of the Family were having that problem!" And since then a lot of them have had it even worse!

       138. ALL THESE YEARS I'VE BEEN ASHAMED TO CONFESS IT & WRITE IT, & I've used as an excuse that, "Well, I shouldn't tell the Family because it might destroy their faith in me. The weak in faith wouldn't be able to take it if Dad confesses he was an alcoholic!"

       139. I HAD TWO UNCLES DIE OF ALCOHOLISM--IT RUNS IN OUR FAMILY, & if it hadn't been for my Grandfather's tremendous faith & guts, it probably would have happened to him. But both of his sons, my Mother's two brothers, literally died of alcoholism, drank themselves to death! I never told you that before, did I?--Because I didn't want you to know I was an alcoholic!

       140. TYL! I GOT IT OUT AT LAST! If you can get some of these things out in the open, you can fight'm! Face your fears & fight'm! I should have written that long ago when it was fresh & I could have described the experiences I went through--Hell on Earth! Hell of mind, Hell in body, Hell in the night & Hell in the day! I went through Hell! I had a little idea of what Hell's like!

       141. I WENT THROUGH DELIRIUM TREMENS! I'd always heard about'm but I'd never experienced them & I didn't realise what a horror of Hell people go through in that kind of withdrawal! You can have it from liquor, & let me tell you, after 21 days & 69 bottles of sherry, I had one hell of a withdrawal!--And I went through a hell of delirium tremens! I saw things! Talk about seeing pink elephants on the walls, I saw worse things than that I could describe to you! If that's what Hell's like, I don't want to go there! Whew! Maybe some of you have had experiences like that on drugs & been through something like that.

       142. BOY, YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT THE LORD AT HIS OWN GAME, THAT'S ALL!--Ha! While we were praying just now He said: "Oh, you think you're confessing everything? You're making everything right? What about that Letter you promised to write years ago? You've never written it yet!" (Maria: You just did it.) I haven't told it all yet, all the Hell I went through & what happened.

       143. I HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCES! I could hear the whole city talking! I've never been on a drug trip, but I can imagine what it must be like! I could see all kinds of monsters, demons, African animals! It was just like I was watching a movie show, it kept flashing pictures, flashing pictures, like somebody was changing slides, the craziest things you ever heard of: The rump of a zebra, the head of a deer, all kinds of crazy things like I was over in Africa someplace! Horrors! Some were just utterly without meaning, nothing, I could see bricks or part of a building or this or that.

       144. I THINK THE DEVIL WAS TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY, actually drive me crazy, I was seeing so many horrible things! I just wouldn't even want to tell you all the stuff that the Devil flung in my face during that horror when I was, in a sense, on his territory because of my sin! I think he really tried to drive me crazy! This is when I stopped drinking & I was determined to live after all, then he brought on all these things!

       145. I COULD HEAR THINGS, VOICES, I COULD SEE THINGS, I GUESS LIKE SOME OF YOUR DRUG TRIPS OR SOMETHING, VOICES. I got so sensitive in the Spirit that I could hear everybody in town talking in their houses & their apartments! I could have screamed! Maybe I did, I don't know! Did I? Almost! When you can hear everything, I mean, that's Hell! That's horrible!

       146. THANK GOD THAT YOU CAN'T HEAR OR SEE EVERYTHING, IT WOULD BE HELL ON EARTH! Thank God He's limited your senses within certain confines of reason & sanity & necessity!--That you're not so sensitive in the Spirit like I was under that influence that I could hear everything & see everything! It was horrible!--Hell!

       147. DOES THIS HURT YOUR FAITH? (Family: Not at all! It's faith-building!) Really? Do you really think it would do the Family any good if I would make this confession, if we'd write it down & publish it? (Pearl: It's like "by one man's obedience, many were made righteous.") (Rom.5:19) Hallelujah! TYJ! PYL! (Tongues:)

       148. "KISS THE SORROWS OF YOUR FATHER!" PYJ! Hallelujah! TYJ! The Lord wants you to have a little sympathy for me! I don't mind having a little sympathy! Doesn't the Lord, or whoever it was, have a marvellous way of expressing Himself?: "Kiss the sorrows of your father!"

       149. WELL, YOU'RE KIND OF A TEST TUBE AGAIN TONIGHT! This hasn't hurt you? (Family: No!) Do you think it's done you any good? (Family: Oh yes, tremendous!) Really? It hasn't hurt your faith in me or the Lord? (Family: No!) You don't think it might hurt people who are weak in faith? You think it might do them some good?--Especially some of those alcoholics & drinkers?

       150. I'VE HEARD OTHER SINNERS TESTIFY HOW GOD HEALED THEM, & I must say, I even got convicted watching that Alcoholics Anonymous Show! The Lord reminded me: "You've never given your testimony about how I healed you of alcoholism!" I had a battle with it even for years afterward, sometimes I drank too much. Some of you sitting here know that. I was still drinking too much sometimes when we were down in South Africa & Portugal.

       151. THE LORD'S HAD TO LAY IT ON! He's had to give me the whip to make me stop some things I shouldn't be doing. That's one reason I quit here, I had to quit or I knew it was going to kill me! So I don't get any credit for it! What I wasn't willing to do willingly & obediently, God put the screws on & I had to! The Lord showed me I was going to have to quit drinking or I wasn't going to keep living! If I wanted to keep working for Him, I was going to have to stay alive, & if so, I was going to have to stop drinking so much. It wasn't helping my stomach & my esophagus & my throat any.

       152. DOES THAT HURT YOUR FAITH IN ME? It doesn't bother you for me to confess I'm such a horrible sinner & failure & how wilful & disobedient & stubborn & defiant & how bad I am?--That God has to actually almost knock me flat & knock me down & spank & thrash the daylights out of me in my guts in order to get me to quit my bad habits & my abuse of my body?

       153. WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE'S HAD TO DO! I'm just that damn stubborn & wilful & I've been that disobedient! I have told Maria, "Oh, what's a little alcohol? It's not going to hurt me any! I'm tough, I'm strong! You know what Abrahim said: 'Your father is very strong!'" Well, yes, I am! What I've been through would have killed somebody else, & if it hadn't been for the Lord, it would have killed me! But here I am!

       154. SO DON'T LET ANYBODY USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THE SAME THING! Your job might not be quite as important, & you might not be quite as important that God will decide to let you live, or even help you live through it! If you're a bad testimony, a bad influence, or hurt yourself or others or the work, He might just decide to get you out of the way & let you die!--So take heed!

       155. I'M SURE HE JUST KEPT ME GOING FOR YOUR SAKE & THE SAKE OF THE FAMILY, & maybe to get me to this point where I'm willing to confess my faults one to another that I may be healed. (Jam.5:16) So, PTL! That's it! Hallelujah! TYL! Ah, I'm tired, but I feel relieved already! TYJ!

       156. NOW, LORD, HELP ME TO DO IT! HELP ME TO OBEY! I've confessed, but now I've got to repent! Now I've got to show some effects that I have done it & am doing it & bring forth works meet for repentance! (Mt.3:8) To show I've turned around & I have really had Godly sorrow, Godly repentance, & I'm going to do these things that I've long long said I would & promised I'd do, but have kind of let slide. Lord, forgive me! If these here can stand it, Lord, surely the rest of the Family could stand it too, in Jesus' name.

       157. THE LORD GAVE ME THIS ENCOURAGING THOUGHT: "All things work together for good to them that love the Lord." They say the bird with the broken pinion will never fly as high again. Well, since then I've accomplished more than I had before! So maybe if you can't judge me by my works or my life, maybe you can judge me by my fruits, that the results have been good.

       158. MORE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAVED, THE FAMILY IS LARGER, GOD'S BLESSED US MORE, we've gotten out more publications, we have accomplished several times more since then than I did before then! So maybe it did do some good! But maybe I'm not going to get healed or even keep on living much longer if I don't obey the Lord & finish the job!

       159. 99% IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Nothing short of right is right! There are several things that have been hanging fire for a long time that I haven't done & I need to do, & that's one of'm! I did one of'm tonight, & if Pearl puts it down on paper, then I'm going to be doing that one too! PTL!

       160. WELL, IF I DON'T COME DOWN SOME NIGHTS, YOU'LL KNOW IT'S PROBABLY FOR YOUR SAKE. What is this, Friday night? Oh well, Jewish Sabbath has started already! We had our Friday night Sabbath Synagogue! Now you can go out & live like Hell all day Sabbath like the Jews do!--Ha! Go to Synagogue on Friday evening, get that out of the way, & then go out & live like the Devil all day Saturday. Christians do the same thing, they go to Mass early Sunday morning so they can take the day off & live like Hell all the rest of Sunday!

       161. WELL ANYWAY, GBY! NO REVEILLE IN THE MORNING! How about that? Two days in a row: No reveille Saturday morning, no reveille Sunday morning! You're going to get to sleep in two mornings in a row! Isn't that wonderful? Well, that'll kind of make up for all the times I've kept you up maybe, especially tonight. GBY! Amen! "The Lord bless thee & keep thee: The Lord make His face to shine upon thee & be gracious unto thee: The Lord lift up His countenance upon thee, & give thee peace!" (Nu.6:24-26) In Jesus' name. Amen! PTL?

       162. GBY ALL! ARE YOU SORRY? (FAMILY: NO!) Well, I'm sorry that you had to stay up so late, but I can't honestly say that I'm sorry that it happened, even if it is 12:30, because if it wasn't for your sake, bear with me, it was for my sake! (Maria: For the Family's sake!) I don't know how the Lord finally gave me the faith & the courage to tell you, but I guess I knew I had to sooner or later!

       163. (PEARL: THE VERSE CAME TO ME: "IF ANY MAN LOVE GOD, THE SAME IS KNOWN OF HIM." (1Cor.8:3) It's like you don't have to worry that you're going to stumble anybody, because it's not, because everyone knows that you love God & that you're a man after God's Own heart.) ILY!

       164. PEARL ALWAYS GETS THINGS FROM THE LORD. SHE REALLY KNOWS THE LORD, GBH! You all do, I don't mean that some don't, but certain people have certain gifts, & I think she has a real gift along that line, she gets Scriptures & answers & thoughts & she passes them on to me. Don't ever hesitate to do it, Honey. I like those little notes & things you give me, ideas & interpretations & connections & things. Those are good for me. You're a handmaiden of the Lord! Hallelujah! TYJ! PTL! Upon whom He has put His hand for a special vessel anointed for the Master's use, for a special ministry.

       165. AREN'T YOU THE ONE THE LORD GAVE THAT PECULIAR BLESSING ABOUT THE EYES & THE EARS & THE NOSE & ALL THAT WHEN I WAS IN BED WITH YOU? I never had that before! That was amazing! Maybe she's going to be a real prophetess of God in the days to come to stand by my Maria! Maybe she'll be a Brunheld, our new Brunheld! Hallelujah! Praise God! Well, you're all Brunhelds in a way, GBY all! We couldn't do it without you. You all help make it possible! TYL! TYJ!

       166. WELL, I HAD IT IN THERE THREE TIMES, WHY DIDN'T YOU SHUT THE DOOR? (Reference to old joke about Mike & truck.) You'd better get up while the gettin's good! Just think of that, I was able to eat my whole supper tonight & give that talk as well, never coughed, gagged, choked, nothing! So that must be another sign it was of the Lord, even if you did get sleepy!

       167. AND IMAGINE, JOSEPH STAYED AWAKE THROUGH THE WHOLE THING! That was quite a victory! GBY, Joseph! That's nothing to be ashamed of, Honey, it's no fault, but a natural physical weakness due to your righteousness getting up early in the morning! So don't blame him for that! (Maria: He's more righteous than us all!)

       168. YOU'RE ALL SO WONDERFUL! I don't see how you could be so good to me & forgive me for all my faults! My oh my! If the Lord can use me, you know He can use you, because you've never been as bad as I've been!

       169. WELL, AS I BEGIN TO CONFESS MY SINS & TELL THE WHOLE WORLD, maybe the Lord will gradually take the screws off. I must be a terribly hard guy to get to obey, the Lord has to use such drastic measures with me! (Maria: Well, you've confessed several times, but not in as much detail, not as completely.)

       170. I'VE NEVER TOLD THE WHOLE STORY YET IN DETAIL, NOT EVEN TONIGHT. And that is some tale, let me tell you! Maria could probably tell it better than I can. (Maria: Do you think it's good to go into all those little details?) The gruesome gory details? We'll see. Maybe that's enough, I don't know. My vision at the time was to tell'm all the horrors that they might go through if they don't quit, & that they may yet go through if they do quit!

       171. I CAN HARDLY EVER LISTEN TO THAT "BILITIS" MUSIC ANYMORE because it brings back such horrible memories! They used to leave that playing all night for me because I couldn't stand to wake up in the night alone. I had to sleep with people all the time to watch me. I was under demonic attack! (Maria: The Devil tried to get you too! Especially that one time, something about "Son of Sam." Remember that?) Honey, you've got the records, you ought to know! You'd better dig'm up.

       172. MAYBE IT WOULD DO'M GOOD TO READ HOW DISJOINTED I GOT! My mind got disjointed! It's a miracle I'm here, Son. Of course, it's a miracle you're here too, it's a miracle any of us are here! PTL! Honey, I've got to quit, I'm tired. Don't encourage me to keep going. I'd better get up & go before I get wired again.

       173. ARE YOU SORRY I TOLD YOU ALL THAT? (Peter: No, not at all!) Are you sure it didn't hurt your faith? Well, I had to do it whether you liked it or not. Apparently I'm not going to get off the hot seat till I finish doing what I'm supposed to do, including make my confessions to get my absolution. (Maria: You put us all to shame!) Put you to shame? I'm ashamed! (Maria: You're a shining example!) I'm a pretty poor example!

       174. GBY! ILY! THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE & YOUR FORBEARANCE TO GRIN & BEAR IT! (Peter: Grin & love it!) Well, sleep in tomorrow. You're supposed to take a half a day off Saturday anyhow, why don't you take the whole day off? Oh, you haven't heard about that? (Maria: No!) I'm sure I've written on it somewhere. I only believe in the five-day week! PTL! GBY! ILY! Take a day off tomorrow & meditate on these things. Thanks for your faith! (Family: We love you!) GBAKY, IJNA!

Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family


Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family