Home » Children of God Publications » The Boy Who Wouldn’t! – If He Only Had! – One of God’s Disappointments!

The Family / Children of God

Internal Publications and Secret Directives

DISCLAIMER: The sole purpose of this page is to document the existence of a publication produced by The Family International a.k.a. The Family, Family of Love, Children of God and various pseudonyms (hereon referred to as TFI). It is provided for the record, for educational and research purposes, with the principal aim of promoting accountability by the TFI for its teachings and statements, which have proven detrimental to the lives of many. By replicating this material, exFamily.org neither endorses the views expressed in this publication nor justifies the existence of this publication and its statements. Reader discretion is advised. The material on this page may be unsuitable for minors and may contain disturbing words of racism, hate mongering, directives to unhealthy lifestyles and/or criminal activity, and/or contain plagiarized works.
THIS PUBLICATION MAY HAVE BEEN "SANITIZED." This digital format of this publication was extracted from TFI's HomeARC 99, which was subjected to encryption and editing by TFI, who, in order to hide its controversial writings and thus escape moral and/or legal accountability for past/present core beliefs and directives, sanitized (edited) and purged (deleted, destroyed, burned) its texts—both printed and electronic. Where possible, exFamily.org has compared this digital material with the cult's original paper-printed versions to ensure that this publication accurately reflects the original, uncensored version. Locations where the text has obviously or potentially been sanitized is hilighted with bright-red [DELETED] or [EDITED] markers.

THE BOY WHO WOULDN'T!        DFO 1651        9/83--If He Only Had!--One of God's Disappointments!

       (Dad's personal job invitation to the young man of "Hold On!" sometime before his enclosed letter of reply & refusal:)

       1. --GOD BLESS YOU, SON! YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB! BUT WE DO BELIEVE MORE PUSH NOW NEEDS TO BE PUT ON MWMI.--However, we have an even more important job in mind for you--a promotion!--Would you like to work with a WS Creations Unit?--Lots of humble mechanical tasks, but vital in a high-security Unit which can only use someone who can be highly trusted, but no public ministry personally, but a lit ministry to billions!--Think you could take it?
       2. YOU'D BE WORKING WITH SOME OF THE BEST TOP FOLKS WE KNOW, ALL VITAL TO OUR TOP LIT MINISTRY, BUT STRICTLY SELAH UNDERCOVER BEHIND-THE-SCENES--NO GLORY BUT FOR THE LORD! You'll even have to drop out, disappear, change your name, & cut all former personal ties, change your location & maybe even your appearance & have no former Family Fellowship!--Just the Lord's & the Selah Home--no others! Everybody there's gonna wonder, "Where'd he go?"--And they must never find out!--Think you could stand that?--And read notes like this? If so, you could give it a try & they'll try you!--OK? They say you're humble--this job will certainly find out!--Ha! GBY!--WLY! If interested, please let us know. Thanks!--Love,--D.-------------------------------------------------------------
       3. THIS WAS TO BE THE NEXT STEP IN THIS YOUNG MAN'S PERSONAL TESTING, before we hoped to promote him to the top job of overseeing our worldwide Radio Ministry! He seemed to have all the right qualifications: Such dedication & Jewish push & salesmanship, faith for pioneering, initiative & ingenuity, experience in pioneering & promoting his own extensive mass-media ministry, good PR, ability to organise & work with others, & the courage & stick-to-it-iveness to see it through!--But he wouldn't!
       4. --HE REMINDS ME OF THE STORY OF THE RELUCTANT GARDENER: The Gardener of a huge estate was tired of his job & wanted a change, so he asked his boss to write him a recommendation, which his boss, who knew him so well, obligingly did. The boss wrote a glowing letter that the Gardener could do this & that & the other & so many things so well & so skillfully etc., until it took up a whole page of the letter. But when you turned to the second page the only words on it were: "But he won't!"--Signed by his Boss!


Dear Ones,
       Well, today has been quite a notable day in my life. I just finished talking with & telling him of my decision concerning whether to continue to work in a WS Unit or to try to sort things out with my family. It has been a tremendous relief to have finally made a decision & I'm so thankful for the concern shown by _______. It all came to a crisis last night when I was unable to sleep for a number of hours. I kept trying to struggle through this great mass of confused thoughts, worries & fears & couldn't make any progress in the least. Therefore, when ______ asked me to tell him how I felt, I knew it was a tremendous blessing from the Lord. I've been trying to do my best & to stay on top of things, but it has been all in the flesh with my heart feeling like I have had lead weights holding me Earthbound.
       For the 6 months that we've been separated (from his wife, who'd had problems), I've found the trials getting larger all the time. I think the thing that this has hit the most is my self-confidence, as before this I thought that I could easily pull out of a trial like this. When I in fact found that it wasn't as easy as I'd previously thought, this really shook me up.
       Not having ______ (another woman he really loves) around at this time has probably magnified the whole situation as she's always been there to pick me up when I was down, GBH. It has shown me just how much I love & need her, too, although I imagine that it will be very hard for us to ever work together again due to circumstances being what they are.
       After talking with ______, I found out that he had helped me sort out a few main points from the hundreds that had been running through my head, & it is these points which I hope to explain here so that you will be able to see where I am at. I feel that if I was to go on to another Unit, at present it would basically stem from a sense of duty rather than a truly heartfelt decision. I have already seen in my short time here that this just doesn't work, as no matter how hard you try & how well you try to do the job, it just isn't near enough if even a part of your heart is missing. Until I can be sure that such will not be the case, then I hate to think of your wasting any more time or training on me. I know how I have felt when I have had such people with me in the past, & I don't want to be a burden like that on anyone, & especially on those with such important jobs.
       As for a more selah Home than this one, well, the more I think about it, then the more I wonder just how I could take that month after month. As I have mentioned earlier, I don't need an enormous amount of fellowship but I am always in need of lots of different scenery changes. Even though I was the one who set up my previous ministry & the office & all these technicalities, I was only too happy to be able to find someone else to do the day-to-day following of the method I had figured out. I guess in a way I felt like I'd conquered it & now needed to find something else which needed to be figured out & worked on. I guess that could be called pioneering, although I'm a little reluctant to use a word with such grand connotations, when in fact, it might be just that I have an independent streak in me. LHM. (Amen!)
       I have found many times in the past that a certain event or meeting can be built up in the mind & so over-anticipated that when it actually comes to pass it is a bitter disappointment by comparison. This could very well be exactly what could happen in the first 10 minutes of being with my wife again. My feelings toward the children have grown so much in the past months though, that without such a meeting I don't think I'll be able to fully shake such questions in my heart. So, it is probably best that they be either fulfilled or rooted out right now, & that then I will be able to attack more fully in whatever area I have the faith for.
       Things probably started to go this way right back when ______ first asked me to come & work with them. When my wife & I had first separated because of her spiritual problems, it was a decision I had made & I was positive that it had to be done, but I was also hoping & praying that she would get the victory. I took the new job with ______ because I knew it badly needed to be done & that I was probably the best person for it at that time & so I didn't want to fail them in that hour of need. It was hard to know that it was then going to be a number of months until we could get back together again, but I took it as my duty & was happy to do it. When being offered to work in a WS Unit I guess I felt even more forlorn, as I then knew it was getting to be very permanent. That's probably a weakness in me right there. I do want to be honest though. I could go on covering up & pretending to be somebody I'm not, or I can face facts & see where my strengths are & where my weaknesses are & make the most of it.
       I'm still not too sure just where my life is headed, but I'm feeling better about things & more on top of things at this moment than I have for a long time. Maybe it's just because I've finally come to grips with the real facts. Things could blow up in my face next week, but at least I am no longer stuck on the fence. If things should happen to go awry, then at least I'll be in a better position to decide what to do about it.--Basically because I'll have things a bit better sorted out. This indecision & all its accompanying fears & worries & doubts & every other manner of problem that it brings, will be more or less in the past. I will have made a stand, & be it right or wrong, at least the boat will be in motion & the rudder will be able to take effect. So, things can only get better & be up from here, even if it leads to more problems, at least it won't be indecision. TG! I feel so liberated from such an enormous burden that I can hardly do the subject justice. (How sad!)
       I'm sure that having me finally get this all straightened out is also going to be of help to everyone concerned. I'm sorry I took so long to get to the point where I was able to be honest with myself & also with you. I guess I just didn't want to fail you or let anyone down in regards to their expectations of me & my capabilities.
       Maybe in a few weeks I will see things in a totally different light & find out that in fact things are very different to what I thought. At present though, I feel a bit like a player who has been playing out of position. I know from my football past that this sometimes was the stroke of genius that made great coaches when they could see where a player could fit best. Sometimes a player would have played all his life in one position, only to find at a later date that he was much better suited to another position. Others would be tried out in a new place but just couldn't adapt & had to return to their former position. Which of these I am is yet to be seen. I guess I'll just have to try a few different things though before I'll ever really know. (Too late!)
       Thanks so much for your patience with me in this time & I'm sorry to have held things up. I also wanted to add that everyone here couldn't have been more helpful. I have no complaints at all about life here or the work that I've been doing. It has been a great opportunity to learn a lot, & there have been no events here that have forced me to come to such a decision. Quite the contrary, it will be a little hard to be away from all the excitement & action which fills the air here.
       I guess that is most of what comes to mind at present. I really am thankful for the opportunity you have given me & I don't want you to think that I'm not grateful for all you have done for me. I just don't want to be a hindrance either. I hope this helps you to see even more about what I'm really like & where I can be best placed.
       My love & prayers, J.
       + + + + + + +

       6. POOR BOY! HIS RELIEF AT MAKING THIS DECISION REMINDS ME OF THAT PROMINENT LAWYER in Detroit who ran out of our evangelistic meeting at the invitation to receive Christ & was found outside mopping his brow with relief & saying, "Whew! They almost got me that time!--But I won!"--And a few weeks later shot himself!--Some victory! (See No.1058:37-39.)

       "De Lawd had a job fo' me
       But I had so much to do
       I said, 'You get somebody else,
       Or wait till I get through!'

       I don' know how de Lawd come out,
       But He seemed to get along
       But I felt kinda sneakin' like
       'Cause I knowed I'd done Him wrong.

       One day I needed de Lawd,
       And I needed Him right away!
       But He never answered me at all,
       Yet I could hear Him say:

       'I'm sorry, Boy,
       I's got too much to do!
       You get somebody else
       Or wait till I gets through!'

       Now when de Lawd has a job fo' me
       Ah never tries to shirk,
       Ah lays down what I has on hand
       An' I does de good Lawd's work!"

       8. THE TROUBLE IS, THE GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY HAS NOW PASSED, THE POSITION IS NOW FILLED by another who was willing to "forsake wife & children" (Mt.19:29), & has now taken the crown J. could have had!--It's too late! We can't always be choosers unless we choose God's time, else we're more apt to be losers! "The Summer is past, the harvest is ended, & we're not saved!" (Jer.8:20)--Or more aptly in this case, the great radio harvest is just beginning, that he might have helped save!--What a sad case!--One of God's disappointments!--A Jonah!--Will there be a storm & whale?--How about you?

Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family