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In Reply to: life on your own posted by mattkeeper on October 05, 2003 at 01:09:09:
Dear Matt,
I relate to getting to a point where it is very anxiety provoking: Seeing the family as the answer and any doubts about it or inability to follow through with the high demands and dogma as being a personal weakness.
I hope you hang in there! Because I believe that if you keep letting things out and talking to supportive people that are not connected to the family, you will begin to lose, progressively, those "tapes" in your head that say you are "weak" or a "systemite" or "less than" or "defective".
Personally, i think you must have some incredible strength to do all that you are doing, and to have done all that you have done on the "outside".
I think that the more you will allow positive "systemites" (people that are encouraging and uplifting to you and have never been in the family or are exers) to be in your life, the more you will heal. We all deserve that!
I remember after I left I felt "wrong" and "weak". It took a long time to see that I was actually strong to be able to do that. It has also taken me a very long time to let other people into my life. I stayed on the outside looking in for many yrs. Scared to death of life. Blunted from it. It's called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder".
There were many freedoms that came with leaving, and also more responsibilities. I make plenty of mistakes along the way, but the biggest freedom came when I started to realize that the family was not exclusive to God and that there were so many other groups that were similar, following many different Gods, but all controlling. All saying they were the chosen.
I know this is not the journeys board, but since you are Christian, perhaps you can view Jesus as a loving presence who loves you unconditionally. Loves you more than the very best parent on earth, and wants you to love and be loved. He wants you to heal.
You are dealing with things that are hard on the strongest person that has never had much trauma! Taking care of a person severely disabled, holding all those jobs, doing all that work!!
It is NOT selfish (as in inconsiderate, egotistical) to take care of yourself. If I were your Dr. I would prescribe a long vacation and pampering!
When is the last time that you had a physical? It may be something to consider.
I look at the family's list of people that have passed on and I cry. It is sad to see people that died for want of simple things, and/or because they were persuaded to discontinue a medication. Look at people like Mary Tyler Moore, who is an insulin dependent diabetic. She has been since youth. But she has a healthy life and is elderly now, and very active! Insulin gave her a quality of life and also longevity which is satisfying.
The family teaches that physicians and other Drs. are wrong to use. Why? Berg used them. So did Maria. They also taught people to burn out early. I don't believe that is of God. Not at all.
Hope this feels supportive to you! If there is anything I have said that does not, please write about it! I ask this because sometimes things written are not read from the same perspective of the writer. Take Care!
