Crossfire Extravaganza

Jim Ross: From time to time Crossfire disputes become so involved, so convoluted, that the only way to settle them is in the squared circle. I’m Jim Ross along with Jerry “The King” Lawler…

King: That’s right, JR! Crossfire has been HOT! This month, and the hottest feud going has been Technical Manager, Joseph against Micron and his wife Mekka!

JR: That goes without saying, King. Right now we are going to go to Jesse “The Governor” Ventura who is with Joseph.

Jesse: Joseph! Why would a successful business man, computer genius, and member of the Screen Actor’s Guild want to get involved in the violent world of Professional Wrestling?

Joseph: Jessie “The Governor” Ventura, I am never one to boast of my accomplishments, so thank you for doing it for me. I guess I could ask the same question of you. Why is the Governor of Minnesota interviewing me about an Internet wrestling feud?

Jesse: Hey, I’m asking the questions here. Micron warned me about your style of argument, always answering questions with questions. Answer the question, damn it!

Jim Ross: Jesse, we have to cut away, because of unforeseen circumstances here in the arena. It appears that two women have started fighting at ringside!

King: A cat fight! Whoa! They just rolled into the ring. Is that? NO it couldn’t be!

JR: Yes it is! Lydia and Cancion!

King: Lydia is hot!

JR: Lydia and Cancion are rolling around in the ring, pulling each other’s hair!

King: This is a classic battle of Grace vs Works. I can’t wait to see who wins.

JR: Referee George Terrell has broken the two ladies up, and has taken Cancion over to the corner to caution her about her excessive posting on the NDN board.

King: Wait a minute JR! Lydia has just grabbed something from the referee. It is some kind of large black box.

JR: No, that isn’t a box, it is the Bible! The King James Version to be exact!

King: Oh, no! Lydia just knocked Cancion over the head with George’s Holy Bible!

JR: You are right about that kind. It appears that Cancion has been knocked unconscious by the combination of the old and new testament along with a broad swing from the woman from down under.

King: I have a feeling this battle is far from over.

JR: You’ve got that right, King. You can bet that the woman from Grandma’s Kitchen is going to be cooking up a whole kettle full of responses to this unorthodox use of the good book.

Jesse Ventura: I’m here with Micron and Mekka. Micron, tell us how the feud with Joseph got started.

Micron: All I said was that NDN should not commingle donations with money used to operate the website…

Mekka: Joseph! You are a Lamer! A LAMER JOSEPH! Give it up! You will NOT win! Take that tiny dick of yours and head back to your office!

Micron: (stone silence)

Mekka: Well.. that’s what I’ve heard.

Jesse: Back to you JR!

JR: The interest in this match on the part of the Ex-Member community has been huge. We have a crowd here that must exceed two dozen! A few moments ago, The King had the opportunity to speak with Anneke and her guest, a mysterious masked man.

King: Anneke! How was the ride up from San Diego?

Anneke: Just fine, Jerry. Have you met my friend?

King: I was just going to ask. What’s with the mask? Is this guy in The Family???

Anneke: My friend is a professional fund raiser, with an organization that is totally separate from The Family. He prefers to remain anonymous.

King: Holy Hosanna! This wouldn’t be....

Anneke: I’m sorry! This interview is OVER.

JR: King, I’m here with Barney, the lovable creator of New Day News.

Barney: (grabs the mic) Hello! Barney, Barney, Barney here. Barney. This is incredible! All of these burned again Christians in one place! Praise the Lord. Faithy, Mother Eve! And, Blah, Blah, Blah! Barney!

JR: Barney, who are you rooting for tonight?

Barney: Well, here at the NDN, we do not involve ourselves with the favoritism situation. Everyone gets treated like everyone else. If they are CM, FM, Ex-Member, whatever.

JR: That’s great Barney, but where do you stand personally? Who are you rooting for?

Barney: Many peoples, both mans and womans have asked me that question before. And as always, I will answer it now as I have in the past.

JR: Back to you King.

King: JR, a man has just rushed past security and gone into the ring. He has grabbed a microphone. It’s…. not it can’t be… It’s JAY!

Jay: I haven’t been allowed to speak in a long time.. I just want to say that the Illuminati runs (CLICK!)

King: Jay’s microphone has been turned off! Security is removing him from the building. Thank God the Masons own this arena, and always have excellent security. No telling what Jay might have said.

JR: I’m here with the General Manager of NDN, David C! David C, why would you allow your Technical Manager to involve himself in a wrestling match?

David C: I spoke to Joseph on the phone earlier this week, and all he would tell me is to rent the movie “Apocalypse Now”. I was no where near a movie theatre back when that movie came out, so I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he kept asking me something like, “Are you an assassin?”. That was totally over my head. He’s a good Tech Manager though, and a pretty decent Texas BBQ student. He went out and bought a whole rick of pecan just so he could smoke a brisket. I hope they don’t hurt him too bad, because he’s the only one who knows how to configure the WebBBS Scripts.

King: JR, the match will start in a few minutes, but I’ve got to tell you. This popcorn tastes stale and my Pepsi is flat! What is wrong with concessions in this arena?

JR: All the food and drinks were provisioned for this event from the local Wal Mart, King.

King: Oh! So, this pickle is really a hot dog?

JR: You got that right, King.

Jesse Ventura: JR, I’m here with Acheick. Acheick, is it true that you were once a professional wrestler?

Acheick: No, that is not true, but I did used to play one on Crossfire. But, that character was put on the shelf along with several others that will remain nameless.

Jesse: Oh, come on. Name some of ‘em!

Acheick: I SAID they would remain NAMELESS. If you won’t accept that from me, you’ll have to talk to marina!

Jesse: No thanks! You are one of the people involved in exfamily.org, is that correct?

Acheick: Yes. Exfamily.org is a collaborative effort of many people who are clearly out of the Family.

Jesse: Who is WC?

Acheick: WC? WC who? There has not now, or ever will be a person or persons known as WC, or Well Connected. DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? Tell him marina!

Marina: Governor Ventura, I have seen your particular type of delusion before. Let me assure you that anyone who even imagines that there would be a WC, is clearly suffering from a personality disorder and must be treated immediately.

Jesse: Thank you for clearing that up. Let’s go to Michael Buffer in the ring!

Michael Buffer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Welcome to the Crossfire Extravaganza! Now, for the dozens in attendance, and the four or five watching from around the world, Let’s get ready to RUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!

(The crowd cheers)

Michael Buffer: Introducing, wrestling out of the blue corner a couple who has taken Crossfire by storm. From the deserts of Arizona. MICRON and MEKKA!

(Micron and Mekka enter riding an a small all terrain vehicle, looking similar to the "Road Warriors")

(the crowd cheers)

Michael Buffer: And now, introducing, wrestling out of the red corner, a man who is known as the Technical Manager of the NDN web page. Loved by computer geeks and clueless lamers alike, JOSEPH!

(the crowd cheers)

Joseph: (grabs the mic) Introduce my MANAGER, Buffer!

Michael Buffer: As a special added attraction tonight only, Joseph will have a special guest manager. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome DAVID “BIT TITS” FREELANCE!!!

JR: Oh my God! Oh my God! Joseph has hired David “Big Tits” Freelance as his manager! Oh my God!

King: JR! Why do they call him “Big Tits”?

JR: Just watch, King!

Freelance: You wanna know why they call me “Big Tits”? King? Come here, I call this hold the “Knocker Locker”!

(Freelance whips off his shirt to expose two finely shaped Double D breasts, he grabs the king and forces his face between the breasts and shakes them back and forth, the King’s crown flies off his head, as people from the crowd fight for the crown).

JR: I guess you know why they call him “Big Tits” now, King.

King: My GOD! Those are some big titties! I think I’m getting aroused!

JR: Calm down, King. This is a man we are talking about. How Gross can it get! And they… yes.. they are leaking! This gives new meaning to the term “Slobber Knocker”!

Freelance: Come back here King, I’m gonna make you my Queen!

King: Ahhh! Get him off me, JR! Get him off me!

JR: Can we get security to please escort David Freelance to ringside?

Freelance: That’s okay. I’ve got a new girlfriend anyway. TIGHTNESS! Get over here and escort me to ringside.

Brightness: I keep telling you, David, my name is Brightness.

Freelance: Whatever.

JR: This is highly irregular. Joseph’s Manager, has a Manager? This guy really is Corporate! What does Brightness have to do with any of this, King?

King: I don’t know, JR. I’m still trying to catch my breath. That knocker locker is some kind of hold!

JR: I’ll take your word for that king. (Bell rings). Crossfire Referree George Terrell has called for the bell, the match is underway!

King: Micron and Joseph square off. No, Micron just backed off and tagged Mekka.

JR: (Wham! Mekka kicks Joseph in the groin) Oh no! That was a low blow. Joseph has crumbled to the canvass. Mekka tags Micron back in.

King: Man, Mekka really knows how to cut a man down to size. Joseph never saw that one coming. Now Micron is stomping him into the mat!

JR: What’s this? Brightness has snuck around the ring and dragged Mekka down to the floor. They are brawling into the crowd! Another Cat Fight!!!

King: JR! Look at this. David Freelance has entered the ring illegally! Micron is still stomping on Joseph!

JR: David Freelance from behind! He lifts up his shirt exposing his massive Man-Teats! And… Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD! OH my sweet LORD!

King: Freelance just poked Micron in the eyes with his razor sharp nipples!

JR: And now.. Oh no, this is too much. He’s squirting him in both of his injured eyes with the juice from those grotesque double D’s! That's got to hurt like battery acid in those two injured eyes!

King: Now the whole crowd is piling into the ring. It’s Anneke and her mystery guest! Look, here comes Barney and David C, but they are met from the other side by Acheick and marina!

JR: This thing is breaking down fast! From the stands, here comes Lydia, Cancion, Widdle Guy, Texas Ray, Charlie, Bob, Rocky!

King: And, I can’t believe it. It’s Joel Wordsworth! Joel Wordsworth, his wife Carmel, and who’s that with them. It’s SHEBUAH, fresh off the injured list from her motorcycle accident! And look, it's Daniel Sam Warner! Daniel and Joel back in the same ring!

JR: It’s Christian, Joshua Whitehorse, Ray, Andrew A joining the brawl!

King: George is calling for the bell. Ironsides is wacking the bell frantically trying to get this to stop. Look! It’s Sam Ajemian the only person on Crossfire who dares to use both his first and last name, he’s followed in by MG, MH and finally Lolo who is begging everyone to stop fighting and be friends!

JR: We’ve run out of time, but this thing is far from settled! Tune in next time for another CROSSFIRE EXTRAVAGANZA! This is Jim Ross for Jerry “The King” Lawler, signing off!