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In Reply to: There comes a point posted by Acheick on November 08, 2002 at 10:37:33:
well, I kind of left gradually, to save my conscience I guess. I was still tithing even though I really didn't want to have anything to do with living in a home again. i figured i could live that way as long as I tithed and it would mean God would be happy with me. See, all those years of indoctrination still had me scared to disobey the feared leaders or David Berg. I remember talking with my hubby and another member and we broached on the subject that what if Berg was a false prophet - oh, did the lights and bells go on, I wanted to say that so bad, but I was terrified to say it even though I thought it. I needed confirmation and I needed support. You're so right when you say that there is nothing out in the world to help us along, no exit counseling, no support. If I could I would love to do something to change that.
Thank God I had a new husband who shed the COG trappings as soon as he walked out the door. For me it was harder, I was such a dyed in the wool, loyal to the mission, believing in Berg to the end that I had to keep trying. Plus, I was so afraid that God would judge me something awful if I didn't obey the prophet of God. I needed to have it confirmed to me that Berg was indeed nothing but a dirty old man. Yes, I lived in fear for many years, but I never wanted to go back. Once I was able to admit to myself that Berg was a false prophet and I had been led astray, the blinders came off and my whole world changed. Although I was no longer trapped in that mind-set or fear that I wasn't being a 110 percenter, I was still afraid of God and everything that went wrong, everything that happened to me, I had to fight the feelings that it was God judging me for not being in the F. I think that might be why people return to the F. They are programmed to think that bad things happen to them because they are disobeying, so ergo, all those bad things are because they left the F. and they believe the lie all over again. It becomes a vicious cycle. i.e., bad thing happens, person gets depressed because of programmed fear and guilt, depression leads to unhappiness, person believes they were happier in the F.
We were not taught any social skills or how to get through the hard times that happens in a person's life, instead we were taught to see everything in a way that kept us trapped to Berg's message. One time I was bemoaning all the bad things that were going on, how hard things were since leaving and how much I was suffering to my mom - she looked at me and said, "well, do you want to go back then?" It crushed me and I realized that if I was going to make it I was going to have to stop wringing my hands and looking for a way out, I was going to have to grow up and act like a responsible adult and deal with the bad things, the unfair things, the troublesome things as they happen and believe that I just had to go on and tough it out and that things would work out and not by some miracle but by perservering and doing the right thing and taking things a day at time, trying different things until I got it right. We weren't taught to do things that way, we were taught to pray and find out why God was doing or allowing bad things to happen to us because of some perceived sin or shortcoming. If you did that, then everything was supposed to be fine, so we ended up living in our la-la land, pretending to be happy and upbeat and Ms. Polyanna 24/7 - like Mekka says in her above post - being all lovey-dovey, oopey goopy and kissy kissy. We would end up believing our own lies so we wouldn't have to keep going through that humbling and breaking process that leaders loved to rain down on the naughty or out of tune insubordinates. Like that movie a few years back, Pleasantville, it was so much like the F., sure everything seems so good and perfect but by not allowing any dissension or disagreements or walking on the edge of life, they lost any color to their world, they had no depth. That's the F., a boring, uneventful place full of the most shallow and clueless people, but happy in their deception. So, what happens to people when they leave that environment and face the real world, they fold because they can't handle it and they run back to that place where Berg said everything was roses and heaven on earth. They run back to mommy and daddy who will tell them what to do, how to believe, how to live, what to say and to whom. They think that's the only place they can live in peace, but they are so wrong. It's the fear that puts them back there and if they would shed that fear, they'd be so much better off. Then they might find true happiness.
