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exFamily.org > chatboards > genX > archives > post #7132

What's your focus?---a "risky" observation

Posted by MV on January 24, 2003 at 06:23:17

Hi everyone. Just started reading the posts again. At the risk of getting some flak or worst, ignored, thought I'd put in my 2-cent observation. For starters I'd like to make clear where my healing focus is. I believe that healing is a very personal experience. And my focus is on the NOW. If I stay on course, the future will take care of itself. The past I do not ignore or deny nor in any way minimize. It got me to my now. But itís past and it has its place. The past I just have to understand so I can recognize detrimental life patterns and break those harmful cycles in order to hopefully become a happier person. I am at the stage where I have accepted that I cannot save the world and am focused on saving ME. I finally figured noone else will. I like to keep it simple.

This is what Iíve observed: I notice most exers focus on the past with all its hurts and pains and go on a one-upmanship trip, sort of like I'm-hurting-more-than-you-so-I-have-more-right-to-heal-trip; as if personal hurts can be weighed by some universal measure. Or worse, Iím-guiltier-than-you-so-I-have-less-right-to-be-healed-and-please-beat-me-up-some-more-trip. Constantly making judgments on each other. Then when an SGA posts something, particularly the very strongly worded and highly opinionated variety, all the FGAs kowtow to him/her and back off----jeeeeeeezzzzzz! Any junior therapist or even a casual observer would see that here the guilt level is unhealthily high and the self-esteem level is critically low.

I think it's pitiful that many FGs have so little self-worth (I'm including myself in this for the moment. Iím working on it.). It's the GUILT that most of us can't get over. I also notice thereís so much self-medication going on here, which serves the purpose of venting issues. That is needful but very limiting. IMO, all this "self-medication" seems to be creating yet new cycles of guilt that most are powerless to break out of. Sure some people get an education and contribute to the analysis but how much progress is made really? Has fixing the blame helped exers come to a better understanding of themselves? Has that helped them move forward? How much do exers recognize the old familiar habits in their everyday lives? Can they break away? Have they? How many have seriously sought professional help (including the educated ones)? Some will debunk the pros and their value to our healing, as if ours were indeed a unique experience, where there is no known ďcureĒ. When the spotlight, as I see it, seems to be so much on the past, I begin to wonder if this is the right forum for me? I figure Iím worth much more than my past would tell me. Am I in the minority here? Please keep your responses simple. My brain cannot take too much exercise. Ok Iíll stop here and start heading for the hills now.