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Re: Since you're a guy & your stalker is a woman

Posted by anovagrrl on March 17, 2004 at 11:00:36

In Reply to: Re: Since you're a guy & your stalker is a woman posted by Q on March 17, 2004 at 07:52:06:

I am no expert on stalking, but this is what I was taught about it:

1) Even if she's a woman, take it seriously. The psychological profiles of stalkers can be really scarey.

2) Be consistent & brutally brief in all of your communication. "No. Goodbye. Leave me alone." If you engage in any discussion or try to reason with her, she will be encouraged and take it as a sign that you really ARE interested after all. Any time you engage in a two-way conversation with her, you give her hope that eventually you can be persuaded to change your mind.

3) Brutally brief includes warning her that you will file for a restraining order if she continues to make unwanted contact again. Be specific: If you call me, come within 100 feet of me, or show up at my place of work, I will file for a restraining order. Be calm and controlled in whatever you communicate. If you yell or get upset, she may interpret your emotion as a sign that you really care about her.

4) Create a record of all unwanted contact over the past few weeks/months. Date, time, place, description of the circumstances. Tell a close friend and/or family member the name and address of the stalker. Talk to a counselor or social worker who will provide moral and emotional support for your course of action.

4) Under NO circumstances should you negotiate with the stalker on the issue of a restraining order. Simply state that you will do it, and that you have zero tolerance for any further contact. The conversation is unilateral: You are telling her how it will be. If she starts to cry and act pitiful, walk away and don't look back.

5) If you have reason to believe she will become violent or unpredictable as a consequence of a warning, file for a restraining order without warning her. You are under no obligation to inform her of your intentions if you have told her plainly and directly on more than one occasion to leave you alone.

5) If she continues to stalk, file for a restraining order. Carry a cell phone so that you can immediately call police if she makes unwanted contact.

I know this sounds brutally harsh, but if she's a disordered person, this is really what it takes to shake her loose. Being nice to her or inconsistent in your message of "Go away, leave me alone" will only encourage more unwanted attention.

Good luck.