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In Reply to: Re: Ive forgotten my exfam name! ha posted by Jules (Jewlz) on October 21, 2008 at 20:55:00:
Hey, been missing you around here!
Only you can ultimately answer what you need to do about the situation. But if I were to go by personal experience, I'd say that situations like these are already too far gone and there is no putting humpty-dumpty back together again. I was naive enough to try to make the first move and trust my ex, and it resulted in the kidnapping of one of my children. My ex, though out of the cult, retains plenty of cult thinking.
There is peace to be found in letting go of anger and resentment, but it can be very unwise to think that there will be reciprocal efforts at healing coming from someone who is essentially the same person, and who still believes in the same things that led to your differences in the first place. If it was all about you or only between the parents, it would be one thing, but we're talking differences that can lead to child abuse, emotional abuse, and much more, as you well know by now.
Remember that you are not the bad one here. Unless your ex is downright remorseful and knows so much better now so that he would never do the same things to hurt you and your son again, I would say it is wiser to keep your guard up. If he is in anyway justifying himself, you can be sure he will also try to poison your son's mind against you.
There are many shades of "forgive." If you can find it in you to let go of your anger and resentment that is good enough, but it doesn't mean you have to "forget" and act like it's all OK when you might have reason to say it still isn't.
Yes, this isn't about you. You can show your son that he has his own reasons for his non-relationship with his father. You can teach him by example, not to be angry with his lot in life, to know that although he can't change the past, to always remember that it isn't his fault that his father was/is no good. And you certinaly shouldn't be telling him that his father is good after all, if you still have reasons to believe he isn't. Better to let your son process his own feelings about their (non-)relationship. Remind him that he doesn't have to carry any resentment on your behalf, because it's heavy enough if he has to carry his own. For there to be any meaningful father-son relationship, the same rule should apply: his father has to acknowledge to him that he was wrong. Very wrong. It's not about pride. It's about not getting hurt again, and you should respect that. Your ex is probably still very capable of hurting you and your son deeply.
