Posted by long time exer on July 07, 2011 at 11:36:35
In Reply to: Re: Slaves by choice? posted by Skep on July 05, 2011 at 23:26:46:
I guess accepting a little pull into evil would have been more evident to me if I'd come out of a loving family environment. I didn't. Neither was it a religious one. Still, there were times when I could feel that "pull" into something I did not like about myself and felt wrong about. In earlier days, it was realizing the politics within and the struggle for position within. I hated what I was becoming back then (in part- the competitive part). So there were awarenesses along the way. But there was also this indoctrination that I really beleived regarding sick doctrines, that I was rebellious or "weak" when I resisted. Those are the things that were strongest in battling towards getting out. It took so much to get the picture that we were descending into madness and destructive life, but I distinctly remember when I got out, that I felt wrong. I had to be away for awhile and get help outside of TF to start waking up from the poison in that past. Then, regardless of any internal motivation of mine, any damages I caused to self or others, needed to be reconciled to the best of my ability. In addition, I had to learn to give credit to myself for good decisions! I think a big part of recovery is acknowledging both bad AND good decisions. Good decision to get out. Good decisions to resist and rebel within. It put me on the fringes for some years, but that was a lifesaver for myself and my family. I guess that if I felt I could have done something (looking back, I could have done things technically, but would have been way too scared or felt very wrong to do it- to get out.) but I did not. There was a time when FFing was first introduced that I sought out help to leave and I don't know how or why it happened, but a van came in the night with one of those "you're leaving, get packed now" with just minutes to pack, and I was whisked off to a selah home. From there I was separated from two of my children and did not even know where they were and I would plead to be with them. Then got some harsh punishment for rejecting leadership child care worker position because I wanted to be with my kids. I remember telling a leader that "the overall war was killing all the sheep" and that I didn't want to do what was best overall, I wanted to be with my kids. I really went thru a very big ringer for that. We all have different experiences within the family and some that are similar. My "rebellious streak" led to many "dealings with" me. Maybe it is why it is hard for me to look at the past and say it was only "my bad decisions" that caused all my pain. I don't believe that at all. But some did. And some good decisions led to getting out.