Posted by long time exer on January 24, 2012 at 02:44:25
I don't know how long you have been out of the family or if you were or still are associated, or what and I don't want you to feel I'm fishing to figure it out- I'll be direct. The reason I am asking is because it would help me to understand more about you and avoid saying things that might trigger you more. After I got out of TF I went through stages of learning to cope with life. Coming out of a situation where there was so much control and programming about how to think regarding every subject- I first felt three basic feeling states: Numb- unable to feel much emotion about anything-a dead detached state, and then suddenly being triggered and becoming extremely anxious or extremely angry. I was an adult at the end of my twenties with small children and no close relatives coming back to the States. Everything was overwhelming and I was disappointed countless times with others- this was a huge challenge and the struggles were sometimes devastating. I was very burnt out and felt so dead inside.Then, sometimes I felt like there was a voice inside me screaming for help. Quite literally- almost audible. I think having kids is what held me together because they had no relatives- no one but me to count on. And here I was, no job, didn't know what a resume was and living in poverty working odd jobs with no references or experience to get them. I looked for answers and I think I was triggered by anything that felt negative or religious, and certainly triggered when people who were religious were hypocritical or just plain human- saying or doing things that I could easily spot as bull shite. I was hyper-critical because of all the anger piggy backing on the hurts in the name of God that I have experienced throughout my life. I am not religious today. That is my choice and what feels best for me. What I hope for you, is that you be gentle with yourself and I am glad you are going to some counseling where you have the space to express however much anger you have. Not sure what plan fell through for you- certainly I have had many many challenges in rebuilding my life. The fact is, it took me some time to let go of dependent tendencies, even though I abhored and denied that I had them. I guess it was sort of like "Shawshank Redemption" when a long term prisoneer gets out after years of being told to walk the line and follow commands, including during "parole".
But there is a whole world of perceptions out there- you can pick and choose or create the ones you want now. You can have the faith in God, Jesus, Buddha, Mother Mary or George Carlin. Or your own higher self, a hodge podge of all of the above-whatever you want. You may have already worked a lot of that out for yourself. For me it is fluid. I don't blame God for anything because I don't believe in a little man that sits on some throne in New Jerusalem toasting Jesus and preparing for a feast after the world is bathed in blood.