Now I'm really sticking my neck out


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Posted by CB on February 05, 2012 at 22:20:46

In Reply to: Re: Yes, my post was was loaded for bear posted by long time exer on February 05, 2012 at 20:16:48:

In the psychological literature, the term "weak ego" refers to self hatred. It is what it is.

I was referring to only one person in my post to PD, and that is IFT. If I had known she is not a Christian, I would never have posted to her as though she were. I made a faulty assumption about where she was coming from based on her talk about "leadings" and "signs" that a certain job opportunity was in God's plan for her. That sounds like goofy-ass Christianese to me.

Very quickly she set me straight: IFT isn't interested in working out a problem of faith in Christ (as her original post on Journeys suggested), but in dumping on anyone who presumes to suggest that maybe Jesus has something for her. That, at least, is my perception of her behavior, particularly her responses to PD.

Like I said, I could be wrong. IFT's most recent post on Why I said What I Did frankly hit me like someone who's on an emotional bender, lashing out at Christians because we're self-righteous assholes who never gave her anything but abuse.

I didn't bring up the term "weak ego" because I'm a Christian. I used that term because I'm a clinician. Sometimes there is no difference between a victim and a victimizer. Interesting you should bring up the issue of feeling safe on this board, because I don't feel particularly safe around IFT. I don't say that because I'm a Christian, and I don't feel persecuted on this board because I'm a Christian.

I'm telling you I feel unsafe about IFT because I'm an abuse survivor. Fortunately, I'm not IFT's clinician, so I can be straight up honest with her about my feelings as a survivor with a long, painful history of self-hatred. It's like one addict talking to another: I know the mind games we play. I've learned to trust my gut, and it's been jerked more than a few times by IFT's posts--as well as her studied non-responses. What she's shown me thus far is that she can dish it out, but the minute there's any push-back, she'll take the moral upper-hand of a victim stance. I feel compassion for the person in pain who's hiding behind the toxic bullsh*t, but some of the behavior still smells like cow pucks to me.

I don't feel unsafe around you, and I regret that you don't see what I see or that you felt in any way implicated by my remarks to PD. I could be totally full of sh*t, but thus far, I've seen nothing to convince me I'm dead-on wrong. You know I've been posting on this board for years, and now you're seeing me behave toward a particular poster in a way you've never seen from me. So maybe I'm the sick one here? Just remember, I'm not the one who came onto Journeys looking for help with self-loathing and shame, but conveniently chose to frame my problem as that of the Christian God hating me because He failed to fulfill my chance to do good in the world.


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