To: I Feel Terrible


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Posted by long time exer on February 06, 2012 at 01:13:32

In Reply to: Re: And Why I wrote what I did posted by I Feel Terrible on February 05, 2012 at 23:40:36:

There are certainly a lot of "types of Christians" and I certainly have a very different view of the world than Christianity, but I don't think anyone here means you any harm and we all want to encourage you and yet it makes sense that you are angry and don't trust anyone yet. Or maybe one person. Glad you have that and glad you see me as helpful, too.
Part of my journey has been to re-evaluate how I looked at "God". What I learned in the Family was that God was a hit man who knew my every thought and action and could take me out with one clean shot if he ever chose to, whether for punishment or for leisure. Look who was the core of TF. David Berg- a megalomaniac who believed himself to be the voice of God on earth- Gods king on earth- King David. And King David could take away anyone's wife, dispose of anyone he wanted to, rape the children of whomever he chose to and turn women out to be prostitutes. Why wouldn't I see God as a hitman? Hell, that would be a step up from what David Berg was about and what he made into doctrine. When I got out, I fully expected God might kill my children or me for having left. That was a slice of how I "thought" after leaving.
One time (after I had left) I was with a group of people and this one woman was talking about how God had it in for her because despite all her problems, she was in this really bad car wreck. It destroyed her car and way to get around. She and her children got out without a scratch. The wreck was not her fault. She asked, Why did God let it happen? I remember I spoke and said something along this line: Maybe it wasn't God that caused the wreck, but maybe God was there to help you all get out without a scratch..
Then, as time went on I became very angry with religion in general and felt like its all one big crap shoot. The "winners" talk about how to win because they are still here, and the losers, well- why do there have to be losers? I think a lot. My comfort was facing life as if it is a crap shoot and trying to be the best I can be (at least some of the time) and realizing that positive acts are what make me feel good. Most of the time anyway. I won't lie and say that sometimes acting out in anger didn't feel very good to me. It did at times.
Here's how I would feel now if I was a Christian. If God has more love for a person than the very best possible father and/or mother on earth has for a child, then he wouldn't burn me in hell forever because I turned my back on him and couldn't get past the anger or the pain related to his name.
So I don't fear "hell" or have to blame bad things on God OR on people in general. Shit does just happen sometimes. I hope you don't go away. I will say this, I am sure CB wants to support any person going though the bit you have discussed and she responded to you from the perspective she thought you were coming from. None of us are beyond being hurt by something said in anger but none of this has to be a right or wrong situation.
What I do believe in now is that there is negative and positive energy. Creative and destructive energy. Some things that are positive for one person may be negative for another and it doesn't mean right or wrong on either side, just different perspectives.
I know that CB is not a self righteous Christian, but surely there is some pain and raw nerves struck. Hope you keep posting here.


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