In Reply to: apologies posted by Singles anonymous on March 05, 2003 at 06:51:56:
That's okay. This is a sensitive subject, but it's long overdue. I am just surprised that ex brothers don't talk about this at all. I don't know if I am the norm. I imagine I must be, but this is my reality and maybe not everybody else's. If I am sensitive, I can't help it, but I really do want to write more about this, so please don't be afraid to keep asking away. I am here to stay and will ride this one out and answer as best as I can. We can have the heart-to-heart you never got to have.
I had one of those "beautiful" wives that all the brothers wanted to get their hands on and their dicks inside. For the most she kept them at bay because she had trials about sex. Hard to believe that someone who went out FFing would have trials about sex, but she actually did. She was pretty conservative to start with, and was driven into this for survival. I mean all the other families and homes (RNR time) were fairly wealthy while we were living in poverty. We were living in poverty because we chose to be in the Family and drop out of the system, and we had mouths to feed. Living by faith in effect became supporting yourself through prostitution. When it comes down to it, it was Berg's and the group's evil doctrines that did it to us, but yes, we enabled it, from having lost our minds. I personally enabled it too. Besides being young and stupid, I was generally more gung-ho and sold out than her, and she was considered the "weak" or "problem" sister that I had led to the group. To counter her conservatism I pushed for more liberalism. So when she started FFing I had painted myself into a corner and had nothing to say. That's the way the group manipulates and coerces people, it makes you burn your bridges and paint yourself into a corner, so that in the end you can't back out of anything.
Would you say that the ffing (and the sharing?), which had devastated you and your family, was in the long-run your 'saving grace' in that it jolted you into bolting?
Although my marriage to my first wife, the FFer, "beautiful" woman, was rough to start with, it was totaly destroyed by FFing. On top of being young and having a lot of issues to work out (we both came from rough backgrounds; she suffered severe abuse like being thrown off a 2nd floor balcony by her mother) we lost our intimacy and any chances of trust because of the group's constant meddling in our relationship. When that fell apart and she left the group, she dumped all our kids on me, and I became a single father for a couple of years. Initially she didn't desire any contact with her children, but later when she did, I was gone. She lost all contact with her own children as that is what TF teaches, that we should disappear to another country and hide from backslidden ex-wives. During the years she was out, she never stopped prostituting herself, and even though I was in I was trying to leave. How would a single guy with a bunch of very young children who ahs burned all his bridges find a way to leave and get set up and find a job somewhere? I was trapped in the group. That is what I mean that there are very much male victims too, as a result of the sexual practices of the group.
When I left, many times I wanted to make contact with my ex-wife but on top of needing to deal with the consequences of explaining why I'd disappeared on her for a few years, the difficulties were compounded by the fact that my wife was still prostituting herself. She was doing that for years after leaving, and still praying in tongues and justifying her life with the idea she was witnessing just by spreading her legs or swallowing semen. She was bitter and angry and threatening, and a prostitute with a bad attitude, thanks to TF, but that didn't make it any easier for me to deal with meeting her, as much as i wanted to re-establish a trusting relationship for our children's sake.
To answer your question if FFing jolted me into leaving, indirectly yes, and it was a big contributor to why I no longer trusted the group.
The fact is I moved out of an FFing environment, where homes generally supported themselves through other means. With young children and no money it's not like you can just buy a ticket and go somewhere. I was trying to find a way out with my young children. I was stashing away money secretly, saving the few scraps I could find. I was writing letters to ask for help.
I met and fell in love with the children of another single mother. One of them, a child of a fish, knew my voice so well and would stop crying when I walked in the room. This was because I was always talking to her while she was still in her mother's womb. I became a mate to this single mother, and for a year or so, we were all each other had. I'll refer to her as my 2nd wife from here. We would comfort each other after getting blow after blow of harder and harder hardships from being in TF. I couldn't bare to leave without making sure I could get out with everyone out.
One day, an FF situation came up with my 2nd wife, and I tried to stop it. She turned around and pointed me to the FFing book, some letter about how all wives are God's wives first, about jealousy, I can't remember the title. I knew stronger than ever that I had to get her out of there then. I am happy to report that I succeeded in preventing her from going FFing and we left together shortly after without anything more happening.
Unlike with my 1st wife, even though we are no longer together, my 2nd wife and I have excellent contact to this day, and she is not a bitter person. I believe my stopping the FFing episode and letting her feel loved and special, may have had something to do with it. I believe our contact wouldn't have been the same if FFing had come into the picture to spoil everything, and especially if it made her a bitter person like my 1st wife.
My pain is that I could not hold together the big family unit we had upon leaving. We took our children and split up. The children we had together suffer from identity crisis issues. I live with that pain to this day.
The consequences for males can be devastating.