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you don't have to shut up at all

Posted by A husband on March 14, 2003 at 01:18:14

In Reply to: What's love got to do with it? posted by Singleton on March 13, 2003 at 06:26:04:

As I wrote before, these subjects are way overdue. I'm sorry I missed answering you earlier.

You wrote: After leaving TF, how did you reconcile the "Law of Love" with reality?

From day 1 when I left, it was already pretty clear to me I had to dump the idea anyone could practice the LOL without hurting their relationship. As clear as that was, I was still not fully synchronized with reality, and the LOL was still some kind of ideal I held in the back of my mind.

Coming out after all those years in, I had no idea about a lot of things, there was so much to learn. The first few months out when I had my affairs, as ridiculous a notion as this is, my affairs were mostly "meaningful" relationships which gave me a lot. I was like a sponge, soaking in everything I could, and learning a great deal from some very special and extraordinary women.

I confided all my thoughts and worries, even my involvement with the Family, in this in one woman who really inspired me and helped get on my feet. I foolishly believed I could be together with her and my wife as a three-some. I don't think I talked about it with my wife, because the woman put a stop to it real fast. That was the last big lesson she taught me, and I am grateful for that!

It might have taken many years for me to fully realize that the LOL was really a law of lust and selfishness, I don't know. Maybe for while I was more chauvinistic and thought it was generally more okay for men to have more than 1 partner, I don't know. But within a few months, I was certain I wanted to be in an unspoiled exclusive relationship, and I got involved with someone who became my partner for more than a decade. There was a bit of an overlap in the beginning, and I broke up with my wife a few months after I started this new relationship. I think I was spoiled to have such an umbrella of good women in my life, helping me in my transitions. Maybe I was just using women.

You wrote: How is it now? Is it working for you now?

Well now, I'm pretty clear the LOL doesn't work and is a twist of the scriptures and is not a natural workable human-friendly ideal.

You wrote: Does having another exer as your wife/gf help?

In my case it really didn't. There was so much I needed when I got out that I couldn't get from her when she had to deal with her own exit process. I know I hurt her and made her feel abandoned, but I think she knew I really wanted to get on my feet and was tryiing to be responsible for her and our children still. Even though we parted ways, we are still very supportive of each other to this day, and she is like family to me, the real deal family, not the group.

You wrote: Did it work for you with a non-exer?

For me it's probably the only thing that can work.

You really don't have to shut up after this! These things need to be talked about!