In Reply to: you don't have to shut up at all posted by A husband on March 14, 2003 at 01:18:14:
You said "I foolishly believed I could be together with her and my wife as a three-some." That's exactly how it was with me too, but with roles reversed. I fell deeply in love with a married man, the first serious affair I had years after leaving TF. Like you, I considered it a "meaningful" relationship. He inspired me to have a life. We talked about everything including my cultic experience which didn't bother him at all, relegating it to the past.
I too foolishly believed and did my best to make him believe that a threesome with him and his wife would work. Of course it didn't. That's when he pulled the plug and we said our goodbyes. He never talked with his wife about me either. You'd think I'd learned my lesson after having my heart broken so. But no. I kept holding on to that belief. It had worn a deep groove in my mind, altho' looking back, my instincts did kick me now and then but I was programmed to ignore it.
It took a few more affairs with a few more married men and some singles . Until finally, after one affair too many with my heart broken again and again, the full realization that the "Law of Love" is really the "Law of Lust & Selfishness" dawned on me like a ton of bricks. I guess I was ready by then. That was my turning point.
It’s been a year now since and I’ve purposely stayed away from men. There’s so much rubble I have to sort thru. This board and my therapist have been my constant companions in my journey towards recovery. I could go into a discussion on self-worth and validation but I’d like to stick to the topic of love.
I’m thankful for our dialogues as they’re helping me identify the dangerous behavior patterns that I need to break in order to be more in touch with reality. You’ve also provided a different perspective from that of those married to other exers. Theirs seem to be a lot simpler. More clear-cut. I wonder if there are others out there who share the same complex experience as ours? Wo/men of like passions? And dysfunctions?
I guess how you discover love in your life, after the very concept has been so abused, depends so much on your personal individual make-up and that there is no set formula for finding it. For some fortunate enough to have found the real deal, it seems quite simple. And please no clichés.