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Re: Sticking to the esoteric subject of "love"

Posted by A husband on March 15, 2003 at 15:44:07

In Reply to: Re: Sticking to the esoteric subject of "love" posted by Singleton on March 15, 2003 at 00:52:24:

You wrote: would you say that the TF in its own warped way has indeed contributed to that wisdom? having done it all, knowing where it ain't? Would you have discovered that any other way? would you even consider that the "burning out" on "love" was what moved you to seek the real deal? I am asking in earnest as these same questions have been bugging me for a good while now.

We're all looking for the real deal.

When I look back at my life, I was in a state of transition all the time. As a child I was seeking what I thought was love then (Marrying the first childhood girlfriend I kissed). Those ideas changed as a teenager (marrying the first girl I had sex with). That degenerated into what TF taught (I don't need to explain that one do I?). When I got out, I had everything I wanted in a wife, and yet it wasn't enough because of other intense internal conflicts I had, from wasting so many years in the group and being anxious to get going again with my life. Back then I think I subconciously pictured the type of partner I wanted to have who would help me on a journey. If I could describe the girl I met (the one that ended up being my partner for more than a decade) as a function (just for self-analysis' sake), I would have described her as someone who simplified things in my life. I came from a very complex past, and she was like a calm, soothing, healing balm. Maybe I wanted a clean slate, maybe I was running away, or maybe it was just simply too heavy carrying not only the burden of dealing with myself but my 2nd wife's process (I was largely responsible for her leaving). When I was with this partner, I thought she was it, that we'd grow old together. The problem is we grew apart, or at different rates, and we started doing things to hurt each other and mess it up. Problems were also compounded by the fact that I brought a lot of luggage into this relationship, and the poor girl had to put up with a lot. I had leftovers from traumatic experiences I suffered while in TF, and it spilled over into my family life.

When I broke up from that long term relationship, it could have been part of the process of shaking off the last bit of excess luggage that had to do with my past in TF. I don't think that's because I'm a runaway or escapist type, but it's just what people who are recovering from a evil past do, they deal with things, engage the people around them to support that, then they need to leave it behind (also engaging the people around to support that), they need a clean slate, a new chance. My partner wasn't supportive enough in that final stage, and continued to relate to me as the old me with my luggage which I had already shed or was trying to shed, so I wasn't getting my clean slate.

That is so ironic becuase when we met, my defintion of a "real deal" was someone who could absorb all of me, my complicated past, and love me despite. When we parted, my definition of a "real deal" was a relationship where someone could see me for the new me I was becoming.

All this is really saying, is that every relationship I've had has been affected by my time in TF. Even my current one is affected by it. There's just no getting away. Screwed for life as I call it.

I think I wasted a lot of time in TF learning things I didn't need to learn, learning a whole bunch I needed to unlearn in TF about "love", but who is to second judge choices I made and say I would have learned faster or slower, or if it was all detrimental or a benefit in some way?

It doesn't feel like much of a benefit at this point, but then I met people I loved, truly loved despite the group's twisted ideas about love. I can't sweep over my past and say it was ALL a waste. Afterall, maybe I am a little wiser for it like you say.

I'm trying to answer your question about seeking the real deal, and all I can say is my idea of what a "real deal" is has been changing and will probably continue to change as I learn more about myself. I will probably forever be affected by my experiences in TF.

At present I am at a point where I despise consumerism, seek permanance, stability, and I seem to have found my matching neurosis. I'll try to keep it simple it bite size chunks. Love is a complicated enough business, with or without TF's interference.